Stargate

The Stargate itself

Stargate is a SciFi television show where four (sometimes five) people get into trouble and always somehow miraculously escape (the editors always cut this bit out).

Shows

Stargate SG-1

So, Daniel, are you up for an away mission?

SG-1 is a team that always fits the above criteria (miraculously escaping some "hostile" threat). In the first eight seasons, their enemy is the Goa'uld who they can never seem to be able to defeat, but manage to do so that the editors once again cut out. The last two seasons (9-10), they face an even powerful enemy (100 times more powerful than the Goa'uld), but manage to defeat them in only two seasons and a movie by sending a bomb through the "super-gate" which can wipe out a whole galaxy full of energy which makes up ascended beings, which the Ori are apart of. And having orgy sessions with Samantha Carter. Thor is also first to anal probe.

Stargate Atlantis

Stargate Atlantis is a horrible series spin-off of Stargate SG-1, where a team of four members constantly miraculously escape a threat which the editors choose to cut out. They face a much weaker enemy than the Ori, but more powerful than the Goa'uld and manage to defeat these "Wraiths" in 5 seasons and a movie (upcoming).

Stargate Universe

Is a terrible mistake that should never of been made which focuses on character development and relationships. There's this kid, called Eli, who plays this video game called Prometheus which was supposedly developed by a single man, Dr. Nicholas Rush, which has embedded within it a millennia old mathematical problem, which Eli manages to figure out (despite him dropping out of school five years premature). He then gets a visit from this U.S Air-force General (O'Neill, with two L's) and Rush which had tracked him down, and ask him to join on a crucial mission which is the most important human discovery since the Stargate programme itself. Then shit hits the fan and they get trapped on a ship, ironically called Destiny. On a good note, You know you'll watch the show for the whore with the big tits to fap too. Some argue that the fans said the show was getting good before it got banhammered by season 2. It's basically a rip off of Battlestar Galatica.

Allies

Asgard

A species far advanced compared to humans. Made up of nothing but clones due to their ancestors somehow getting the idea that sex was overrated, thus seeking to rid themselves of distractions of the flesh. Taking a page from popular culture, the Asgard are your basic alien in design; short, hairless and lacking any manner of sexual organs. This allows them to run around without having to wear pants, much to the chagrin of everybody else.

Following the same brilliant concept of everybody else in the show, the Asgard play the role of gods, only this time they're playing NORSE gods! They claim to be doing this because primitive humans need god figures to explain everything, but this is bullshit. They just enjoy having power over everybody.

When not playing god to a bunch of black person, Asgard enjoy lying to everybody to enforce their meaningless treaties to protect the tender, squishy bodies of humans from snakes, getting the shit kicked out of them by machines and abducting people to do experiments on them.

Despite being so advanced, the Asgard need humans to fight their wars. They claim this is because they're so advanced that they can't think simply, but the real reason is that they're all incompetent. This is actually proven true in the series finale of SG1, when they all killed themselves because they couldn't figure out how to go back to making babies the normal way.

They also rape people with technology.

Tollan

Former slaves, these people took smug to a whole new level. Thinking themselves superior to everybody else, they assumed that they could never be beaten. Until they were wiped out from orbit by the Jew for not giving them all of their gold.

The first encounter came when a group of them were found dying on a planet that was being destroyed by volcanoes. Upon being saved, they thanked their saviors with insults and mockery about how inferior they were, preferring to die than be amongst the common folk. When it was decided to try and give these ungrateful fuckers a new home, the Tollan then proceeded to mock and insult every single other person that offered them a place to stay. Finally, hoping to get rid of these assholes, it was decided to contact another super powerful alien species and let them handle it.

After that, all contact with them was simply an excuse to rub their advanced technology in the faces of their saviors, then Jew because of fears that the people of Earth would blow themselves up with it.

Except for when they decided to let Earth humans blow themselves up with advanced technology when they found out that it would no longer keep them safe from the Goa'uld, much less keep Earth safe if they decided to attack.

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