Duke Nukem Forever
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Duke Nukem Forever, Aka DNF (Did Not Finish), so named because that's how long it took to finish it, was a game released in 2011 after a whopping 15 year development cycle, which only resulted in a abortion of mediocrity of a game. The game was thought to never be released and was the butt of many jokes, and only became a bigger joke when it was actually released to the dismay of the Duke Nukem fanboys who couldn't even defend this crap.
—Official DNF Press Release, 6 Feb 2008. | ||
"When it's done"
DNF's Creative Director George Broussard is famous for having mercilessly abused the phrase "when it's done". Doing so was a smart move on his part since he never actually intended to release anything other than screenshots of the game. Saying you won't release a game until its "done" implies, in the video game industry, that you won't release it until you are totally happy with the quality of your product and will therefore be a good game. This stance has earned them a permanent seat in interweb history as a completely unintentional meme.
How to Fake a Game: A History of DNF
The real genius behind DNF is that it doesn't really exist at all. It's all been an elaborate hoax from day one. Luckily, 3D Realms was clever enough to realize that the promise of another orgy of boobies and violence is all that it that it takes to stir internets fanbois into a masturbatory frenzy. Thus, the fairy tale of Duke Nukem Forever begins...
Step 0: Make up some fake in game footage
At least 10 years ago, while PC Gaymer's own Coconut Monkey was laboriously working on his magnum opus, Gravy Trader, the fags at 3D Realms tossed them some 'screenshots' of what DNF was looking like... which were, of course, completely fake - composed entirely of modded Quake levels.
—George Broussard on the early DNF screenshots, May 2003. | ||
Step 1: Announce it
The first step in this grand scheme was to make up some way for the game to exist in the first place. The idiots at PC Gaymer were more than ready to take on this task by making this elaborate forgery their cover story.
That's what they get for trusting an inanimate paperweight with a conflict of interest.
—George Broussard, the original DNF 3D Realms Press Release, April 28, 1997. | ||
Of course, Duke Nukem Forever's announcement came as no surprise even to the ancient interwebs. A sequel was eagerly anticipated and Duke Nukem 3D was one of the hawtest Doom rip-offs that nobody actually paid for.
Evar.
However, the fact that the game was not going to contain buttsecks with either alien mutated pigs or pixelated wimmenz enraged the furfags and 13-year-old boys. Everything was going perfectly according to plan.
Step 1.5: 'Tard around.
The next stage of the hoax was to bullshit the public into believing the game was in development hell. 3D Realms decided to do this under the pretense of constant engine switches.
—George Broussard on the switch to the Unreal engine, 3D Realms Press Release, June 15, 1998. | ||
Thus, after making up screenshots styled after Quake, they switched to making screenshots for Quake II. Afterward, they decided they were bored making screenshots with Quake II and decided to make them with Unreal instead. After a short "adjustment period" they released their next batch of bogus screens to a starved public. Fans were dismayed to find that there were no polygonal boobies featured in this latest round of fakes. The charade would continue for three years:
—3D Realms 1999 Christmas card. | ||
—3D Realms 2000 Christmas Card. | ||
Step 2: Goatse your publisher
Meanwhile, when Infogamers acquired GT Interactive in 2000, they were actually smart enough to see DNF as the nefarious bait-and-switch scheme that it was. Thus they shoveled the rights for the game onto the poor and naive Gathering of Developers (aka G.O.D.) for good ol' cash/money. GOD promptly folded after releasing, like, 2 shit games and managed to pass the buck to Take Two Interactive.
Being the fun loving criminals they were, Take Two didn't put up with Broussard's bullshit. In their yearly earnings statements from 2002 to 2005 they repeatedly questioned 3D Realms publicly about the status of the next batch of screenshots. In a fit of prepubescent rage, Broussard responded by trolling 3D Realms' own forums:
—George Broussard on Take Two Interactive in an actual forum post, May 2003. | ||
Step 3: ????
No one really knows what happened over at 3D Realms from 2004 to 2007. Some argue that 3D Realms had actually closed up shop entirely. Then they came out with Prey, a crap FPS about some prairie nigger who gets kidnapped by Xenu. However, it turns out that they were, in between alternate bouts of buttsecks and trolling, in fact working on their most convincing fake yet.
Step 4: PROFIT!
Note how that meme is also used in the demo
—George Broussard's T-shirt, December 19, 2007. | ||
Whether any of this footage is actually taken from actual gameplay remains to be seen. However, if DNF's history is any indication, this is just another in a lucrative series of bogus videos thrust into the limelight over the years. At this point, if the game ever actually does come out, it will most likely be a tremendous pile of dog shit like its brother in hell, Daikatana.
Step 5: Or maybe not
After 12 years of hard work, and money spent on development and artwork, 3D Realms has finally announced they are shutting down for good. Duke Nukem Forever will go down as the biggest failure in video game history. Chances that the game will be released now are pretty much zero, not like anyone ever thought any differently. George Broussard is likely in the process of deleting all evidence that the game ever existed giving Sending Concept Art, Screenshots, and the entire plot to every major video game website and magazine in existence. The End.
Step 6: Take 2 suing Microsoft
Following the closure, and leaks, Take 2 quickly pulled $30 Million Dollars out of their asses in order to bribe George Broussard for the rights to Duke Nukem, while there has been rumors Microsoft has bought out 3D Realms after quietly selling off $4 Billion dollars worth of bonds out of the blue, while Take 2 still holds the publishing rights.
Take 2 has decided to sue 3D Realms for utterly failing to deliver DNF, which was vaporware from the start.
Step 7: The Truth Comes Out
Now that the Duke Nukem Forever team have been laid off, the truth about some of the "in game footage" came to light on the 3D Realms forums from pissed off ex-employees, although unsuprisingly it was deleted:
—Anonymous 3D Realms Ex-staff Member. | ||
Duke Nukem Forever gameplay footage released following the closure of 3DRealms in May 2009. This leaked video was to serve as a demo reel for animator Byan Brewer.
Shit that didn't take Forever
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World War II, the entire Manhattan Project and going to the Moon took less time than DNF's development. |
A metric shit-ton of stuff has happened from 3D Realms announced DNF to the shit was released.
IRL
- Enron went down in flames.
- The Euro has been introduced.
- The preparations for nine-fucking-eleven and the fucking aftermath and then some, plus Hurricane Katrina, London Bombings, second coming of Columbine, another depression, nigger in office, the list goes on...
"Popular" Culture
- In 1997, the fastest consumer internets connection was a 33.6 kbps modem. On average, tubes are 300 times faster today and clogged with 99% more useful information.
- When Duke Nukem Forever was announced, the fastest processor available to consumers was a 233Mhz Pentium.
- In October of 2001, the elitist faggots at Apple announced the izzlePod and Slashdot in all their infinite fayel, dismissed it as an immediate failure. Not that anyone cares.
- Steve Jobs was still running NeXT when Duke Nukem Forever was announced.
- Geeks invented every single known method of stealing from the RIAA, including Napster.
- Some jackhole invented MySpace and gave /b/ about a hundred billion new targets and inflicted uncounted pedos and furries on the internets.
- Valve releases Steam and pwns Vivendi.
- The concept of Bullet Time has been developed, pioneered, and completely run in to the ground.
- Cell phones ownership has become commonplace, whereas in 1997 they were viewed as luxurious expenditures and drug dealing tools.
- The entire cult following of Family Guy! It has debuted on FOX, been canceled, entered syndication, been released on DVD, redebuted on FOX, the birth of his sister show American Dad!, and seen the release of a feature film. Too bad Family Guy is tame, but I digress.
- The creation of Adult Swim
- The entire Harry Potter series as well as six movies.
Games
- The following consoles: PSP, Nintendo DS, 3DS , Gamecube, Xbox, Game Boy Color, Game Boy Advance, Game Boy Advance SP, Game Boy Micro, Playstation 3, Wii and Xbox 360
- Over 75 games based in the Megaman universe, and 12 games featuring Megaman universe character cameos.
- Over 50 games based in the Star Wars universe.
- Mario has appeared in 58 different video games.
- Every Call of Duty game coming out
- Every Battlefield game coming out
- Every Halo game coming out
- Every Massive Multiplayer Online game
- Every Pokémon game released outside of Japan.
- Every Unreal, every Unreal Tournament, and every game that has used any of the Unreal engines.
- Quake 2, 3, 4, and countless games that have used their engines.
- Every Tony Hawk and extreme sport spin-off game.
- Valve released both Half Life 1 and 2, with several expansion packs and countless mods for each. Later they released The Orange Box, which included HL2: Episode 2, Portal and Team Fortress 2 (which was actually considered vaporware itself).
- Every version of Counter-Strike and Counter-Strike: Source were developed.
- Grand Theft Auto I, II, III, Vice City, San Andreas, Liberty City Stories, Vice City Stories, IV , and innumerable shitty spin-offs.
- Tomb Raider sequels dying then rebooting then dying then getting retooled yet again, with Lara Croft's breast implants.
- Every good Uncharted game coming out
- The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and IV: Oblivion, and the entire Baldur's Gate series.
- Every installment of Metal Gear Solid released to date, as well as Ghost Babel (MGS for the Game Boy), the Metal Gear Acid series and Peace Walker for PSP. Even Guns of the Patriots was released before DNF.
- Aside from Wolfenstein 3D, every single First Person Shooter based during World War II, including the entire Medal of Honor series.
- While DNF has been in production, Blizzard Entertainment, another studio famous for delays, has released five full games (Starcraft, Diablo 2, Warcraft 3, World of Warcraft and Starcraft II), with expansions for all of them.
- Every game but one from BioWare, where among the most known are Baldur's Gate 1 & 2 with two expansions;
- The entire Halo trilogy was inflicted on an unsuspecting public.
- Every Gran Turismo game.
- Every Resident Evil game but one and various spin-offs.
- Every Silent Hill game and various spin-offs.
- Every Fallout game and the spawning of the most inbred and venomous fan-forums known to man.
- Every Guitar Hero game and various clones.
- The heavy metal game, Brutal Legend with Jack Black.
- The releases of .
- Final Fantasy had 5 more games, spinoffs uncounted.
- Doom 3 and its expansions.
- ...and lest we forget... Sonic 06.
Release Date
According to Amazon and Gamestop, the release date has been set for February 1st May 3rd, 2011 June 14, 2011. Gearbox has stated that this date is a place holder for now. Only time will tell whether another twelve years will be needed to complete this game.
IT LIVES!
On September 3, 2010, Take Two allowed 150,000 people to play a copy of the game as one of the greatest acts of trolling in history. Consequently, 150,000 people subsequently vanished from the face of the earth, never to be heard from again. Initial reports from the PAX floor is that the game isn't anything special and is your bogstandard FPS with the best bit being Duke's one liners with no strippers. Whether the game will be released in 2011 as said by 2K and Gearbox is yet to be seen. The game was released in 2011 and was a standard run of the miller shooter, which nobody liked.
Gallery
See also
- Duke Nukem 3D - the good duke nukem game.
- Doom 4 - the shitty reboot of the Doom series. DNF 2.0
- Darkfall, the MMORPG counterpart of DNF
- Daikatana
External Links
- 3D Realms Site
- Duke Nukem Official Site
- Gearbox Software Forums
- [1] 2k Games Forums
TOW Page- The Duke Nukem Forever List
- Playable at PAX, for those few dozen remaining fans
- A similar project that bears the "when it's done" due date. Expect more of the same.
- A Baldur's Gate clone that is going down the same path.
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