Dead Space
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Dead Space is a survival action-horrorguro video game that requires the player to not only kill the enemies, but literally rip the enemies to pieces creating beautiful bloodbaths. This game was a surprise to everyone since the game's developer, EA, makes all of their games with no gore in them. EA was clever enough to put some dark humor into the game, but most of the people that bought the game did not understand this type of humor. Therefore, the dark humor was completely lost on them. Some gamers were irritated at the fact that that the game was either too short, the puzzles were too hard, the gore was repetitive, or too scary (even though it wasn't at all). Fortunately, there was always a troll on any review website that put them in their place.
General fps fags play deadspace DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS
Soon after he will rage the game sucks because teh pusle rifle doesn't even and there is are no noob tubes
Storyline
The story starts off with the player as Isaac, an engineer sent to investigate and repair the Ishimura, the ship that the player will be jogging very slowly through for the rest of the game. Isaac and his crew, Zach Hammond (who DIES) and Kendra Daniels (who ALSO DIES), Johnston and Chen (who DIE), exit the wormhole in their ship the "Kellion" and see how badly the Ishimura was raped. The rape meter detects high levels of rape on the Ishimura and, like fucktards, they decide to board the ship. Isaac is also there to find his bitch, Nicole Brennan (who WAS ALREADY DEAD). While traveling into the butthole of the Ishimura, the Kellion goes out of control and crashes into the docking bay.
After this event happens, Isaac, Zach, Kendra, Chen, and Johnston miraculously get out of the ship without any wounds. As they run into the lounge of the ship, the whole place turns into a shithole (as if it wasn't already) and all hell breaks loose. Isaac stands and watches through a window as his crew is attacked by creatures and Chen and Johnston are killed. Isaac has to run his unarmed ass out of there and go into an unstable elevator, then acquires a hideously overpowered futuristic staple gun that cuts most enemies into gory chunks in seconds. Later on, Isaac meets up with Unitologists who are batshit insane over the Marker which caused all of the shit on the ship to happen in the first place. One of the Unitologists, Dr. Challus Mercer (FUCKING DIES), releases his "prototype/hunter" to kill Isaac. This creature is a pain in the ass due to the fact that IT CANNOT DIE unless you KILL IT WITH FIRE. It follows Isaac around throughout the rest of the game until he finally arrives at the shuttle where it can be burned. During all this, Isaac is constantly annoyed by Kendra, Zach, and his imaginary girlfriend, Nicole.
Eventually, Kendra becomes a Jew and runs off with the marker so she can sell it to some other colony. Fortunately, you pull that slut back into the ship and fly down to the planet that the ship is orbiting. Isaac then plants the marker on the planet because his (DEAD DEAD DEAD) girlfriend told him to. Being the bitch that she is, Kendra reveals to Isaac that Nicole had killed herself and all this time he's been hallucinating, as the Marker used her image to control him and bring itself back to the planet, where it turns out Isaac made a giant vagina monster wake up. Kendra gets eaten by it, the player kills it and escapes from the planet, the planet explodes, and Isaac is killed by his zombie girlfriend who inexplicably boarded the ship IT WAS A HALLUCINATION.
All in all, the entire fucking thing is pointless. You did not save a single soul, the monsters would have died of AIDS eventually, no one will know anything of what happened on that damned ship, and Isaac is still a tool who does whatever the shit people tell him to do DEAD ALIVE, SEQUEL ANNOUNCED.
Dead Space 2: Electric Boogaloo
Dead Space 2 was announced at E3 along with a trailer and some of the story line. Isaac Clark has managed to survive being raped by his dead girlfriend and has now gone utterly batshit insane from dementia. You're rescued and taken to a space station called "The Sprawl" in the middle of nowhere. Soon after a black guy arrives, he gets killed in the first 5 minutes of the game as a necromorph outbreak occurs due to retarded Unitologists believing in "the next stage of human evolution". Shitstorms happen, gov'ment wants to keep you down and you keep having bad acid trips. Oh, you also get to kill children in this one.
Dead Space 3
After recovering from his acid trip, Isaac turns emo and gives zero fucks that the universe is collapsing. Ellie calls Isaac a bitch and leaves to become a plot device. Later, Carver and Norton show and rape some sense into Isaac. Guess who's fucking gone missing? After fighting their way through some neocons, Isaac and Carver get captured by this game's resident psychopath, Danik. Turns out that Earth's government is gone, and Danik wants Isaac to GTFO. After turning the colony into a guro rape party, Isaac and the gang escape out to space. Unsurprisingly, shit hits the fan, Norton's team of redshirts get pwnt, and the rest of the group lands in some frozen shithole. After fighting through even moar neocons and vomiting epileptic abortions, Isaac discovers that The markers put a signal in yo signal so you can hallucinate while you hallucinate, and that they need to TURN IT OFF. Some useless negress gets killed, Norton gets skullfucked, and Ellie gets left behind. After fighting some big fucking aliens, they discover the moon is actually a giant ball of rape and tentacles, and that the Machine activates it. Danik turns it on anyway. Isaac and Carver decide to fight the MOTHERFUCKING MOON to save humanity or some bullshit. They win, but end up lost in space. Ellie decides that she can't wait five more fucking minutes to see if this guy she cares so much about is even really dead. SURPRISE SURPRISE, he's not.
Unitology
Unitology is a religion in the game that revolves around the Marker (a big dildo with writing on it). The followers of this religion believe that the Marker brings eternal life and that human life started somewhere other than Earth. The Church of Unitology has great political and economic power, allowing the religion to buy ships, weapons, and colonies. Later on in the game, Isaac realizes that the ship is not a mining vessel, but a combat ship designed to kill stuff and things. After Isaac finds this out, he stumbles upon more audio logs of people bitching and moaning about how there are illegal activities going on, or the occasional psychopathic follower whispering into the mic.
Some people think that EA put Unitology in the game in order to stick it to Scientology for the lulz, but that is a mystery.
Dark Humor
Most of the humor in this game is "dark humor". In other words, the humor is lulzy. This humor is shown in various ways throughout the game:
- When entering one of the rooms in the beginning of the game, a man will be bashing his head into a wall repeatedly like a retarded person.
- A blind woman will be hugging and talking to a corpse with no limbs. The dumbass will somehow magically die a few seconds afterwards even though she has no wounds. This is when the player gets the power of telekinesis and will be able to pick up her dead body and do things with it.
- As the player enters the child care center, they will meet up with monsters that resemble mutated babies. The player will be able to stomp on these baby monsters. This makes Dead Space unique in the fact that it is one of few games where you are actually allowed to kick and curbstomp babies for the lulz.
- In the medical ward of the ship, a man is lying down on a table while a doctor is chopping him up with a saw. For sick fucks, this is probably the hottest thing going on in the game. The doctor will then look at you and smile. Shortly afterward, she will become an hero and slice her throat with the saw instead of going to you for help.
- Isaac's psychopathic imaginings of other crew members saying, "MAKE US WHOLE AGAIN".
- Near the end of the game, Kendra, the Jew bitch in the game, tries to get off of the planet. Instead she literally becomes a guro rape toy for a tentacle-monster.
Stomp Everything, FTL
NECROS & NEGROS |
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| WHEN IN DOUBT  STOMP IT OUT |
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The Ishimura
The S.S. Ishimura is the piece of shit ship where the game takes place. It is reinforced by more ribs than a mutated cow and probably took the 3D designers over 9,000 years to create. Despite all this designing and making everything look "pretty", it was completely useless due to the fact that it is so fucking dark and every other room is littered with blood and dead bodies.
The designers ripped off the Alien films and made the ship a maze of vents and other places for freaks to crawl through. The player never really gets to look in these vents, even though it would be seriously scary if the player was forced to navigate them while avoiding the cluster fucking of being jumped on by multiple necromorphs. It can be assumed that the vents are the equivalent of your college dorm room--full of dead bodies, bongs, piss stains on the rug, a large turd in the bathtub, and over all good times that you will later regret on your 40th birthday.
Dead Space: Downfall
Dead Space: Downfall is a failure of an anime American-animated movie showing how the necromorphs came to be and how they fucked everything up. The people at EA thought it would be cool to allow the player to see what happened before Isaac boards the ship. This ruins the fun of the player be able to wonder how and why everything is messed up in the beginning of the game. The idea of buying this movie is retarded in itself. For every win, there is always a fail...
On a side note, this is every guro-lover's wet dream. There's more gore in this movie than there is violence in all Gears of War games combined.
Bring spare underwear, since you're watching it.
SPOILERS: Everyone DIES. Any dipshit with a brain knows that if they play a game in which everyone is ALREADY FUCKING DEAD a movie set as a prequel will have EVERYONE DEAD AT THE END OF IT.
Dead Space: Extraction
Another fucking prequel coming out for the Wii. It's going to be a first-person shooter without free movement. You play as a bunch of other losers no one cares about. First there's this miner named Sam Caldwell, and he and his buddies extract the marker. Then, shit goes wrong, and they hide like pussies. After getting lost, they find that people have gone batshit insane. After riveting people for ten minutes, the next character you play as, a rent-a-cop named Nate McNeil, and his gang shoot him dead. Days later, Nate and his butt buddy Gabe Weller, a GAR tough guy from the Ishimura, decide to rape some bodies. After seeing even more people go insane, they run around and find some slut named Lexine Murdoch. After failing at getting off the planet, they find some pompous tart named Warren Eckhard. The they FINALLY find a ship and go to the Ishimura. After more TL;DP action, Warren betrays you and then dies. Nate gets his hand impaled on a spike from an alien, and you have to cut off HIS FUCKING ARM to free him. Then Nate, Gabe, and Lexine get on the shuttle, and there's buttsex all around.
Necromorphs
Necromorphs are the living dead that Isaac fights off throughout the whole game. Most of the necromorphs originate from humans infected with space AIDS. In order for a person to turn into a necromorph, the person has to be dead gay. Then, a piece of flesh fucks the dead body of the person, stretching the flesh and making all of his or her limbs blades. There are multiple types of necromorphs in the game. All are extremely annoying.
Types of Necromorphs
- Slashers - Slashers are the most common necromorph found in the game. Being weak, these enemies are cannon fodder and a waste of time. These enemies are amusing though because of the fact that they run into malfunctioning doors and get chopped up to bits. Yum.
- Leapers - These fuckers jump all over the place like a kid who has ADD. Complete with blades for arms and a tail that is used for whipping attacks, it can do massive damage to Isaac. Fortunately, this type of necromorph can be easily raped with a cutter or sawblade. Turn that muscle into mush.
- Lurkers - These are simply babies. All they want is for Isaac to hug them but instead he shoots them with his space hammer, so three massive cocks pop out of their backs and fling razor sperm at him. The only satisfaction that the player will have from these monsters is the curbstomping and kicking of babies.
- Guardians - Guardians are mutations of pregnant Russian women. They cling to the walls and cannot move. They shit out baby necromorphs every few seconds, and will rape your head off with their tentacles if Isaac gets too close, making the difference between them and normal Russian pregnant women impossible to notice. Once the player kills one, though, it lets out a climactic cry and dies.
- Pregnants (aka Preggorz) - Pregnants are post-eat attack fatties. Once they come close to Isaac, they will shit out small octopus-looking creatures called "swarmers".
- Swarmers - AIDS infected feces that scuttle around and latch on to Isaac. Isaac must have a self-induced seizure to shake them off.
- Divider - Dividers are a pain in the ass to kill. The player will start shooting at one just like any other enemy thinking that it will die. Instead, the thing breaks up into multiple pieces which whip the shit out of Isaac. When killed by a divider's head, Isaac gets skullfucked then decapitated, replacing his head with the divider's head, producing what could be described as one of the most lulzy deaths in a video game.
- Brutes - Plows through everything like the killdozer. Raping the hell out of everything, this necromorph does tons of damage and will fuck you up.
- Infector - A piece of flesh that flies over to dead corpses and brutally skull-fucks them until they turn into a slasher. These slashers are normally the color of crap (nugget brown, not baby green) and are hard to kill.
- Twitchers - Extremely fast slashers. They shake their head all over the place and attack in packs. Battles with this enemy will make the player frustrated.
- Black Slashers - Same as regular Slashers, but they are twice as strong, twice as fast, and have twice as much health.
- Exploders - Mutated humans with a giant explosive tumor for an arm. Shoot the arm and enjoy the fireworks.
- Wheezers - A collection of eight huge-lunged almost-an-heroes blowing bongsmoke all over the place. Largely considered to be the easiest monsters in the game, due to being weak and rooted into the ground. You have to kill all of these as part of a mission in order to prevent the utter rapage of the ship's oxygen.
- Pukers A giant lumbering open chested gooey piece of vomating shit that, you guessed it, PROJECTILE VOMITS ALL OVER ISAAC AND SOMEHOW THAT SLOWS HIM DOWN. And when it kills him it
pukesSPEWS ITS HOT MOUTH SEED ALL OVER ISAAC AND DOWN HIS THROAT then lets go and watches Isaac (effortlessly) try and puke up the puke, because it burns him on the inside sobadgood untill hediesFalls asleep from his orgasms.
- Stalkers A stalker is what happens when a slasher fucks a dinosaur. They hunt you in packs, play peak-a-boo, and whistle Lady Gaga tunes before they take off screaming towards Isaac. If the player manages to injure a Stalker it runs away like a little bitch, and lulz are had until a second one you didn't even see rams its skull up your ass. If the player is killed by a Stalker it dismembers Isaac before dragging his body away for later fucking.
- Wasters These freaky motherfuckers want to introduce Isaac and Carver's faces to the business end of their axes. Nevermind how space zombies can suddenly wield axes. When playing co-op, let your partner get surrounded by these guys, then shoot off their top half for maximum trolling.
- Feeders Skinny bastards who are the result of the awesome idea to eat Necromorph flesh when food ran out. They can't see for shit, so you can sneak around them, you pussy. Open fire on a crowd of the fuckers and enjoy the fun.
Characters
- Jew - The player's character. Isaac will be all of the other characters' slave, doing stupid tasks that they can do themselves, such as turning off the reactor even though they are right near it. Isaac finds out that he is psycho because, even though his girlfriend is dead, he keeps seeing her.
- Kendra Daniels - The stupid whore who is really nice in the beginning of the game and then tries to backstab Isaac in the end. She fails it though, and gets pwnt by the Hive Mind.
- Zach Hammond - The man who tells Isaac to do tasks so that the crew can get off the ship. He tries to meet you every chance he can but is always interrupted. Whenever Isaac does meet him in the game, though, Zach is always hurt because he's a little bitch who doesn't even know how to use his weapon. Finally, he is ripped apart into tiny little pieces by a brute (because in any good work of horror, the black guy ALWAYS dies first).
- Dr. Challus Mercer - A fucking idiot who thinks that the necromorphs give everlasting life. He is so fucked up that he creates a "prototype/hunter" to kill Isaac. Of course Isaac pwns the monster two times and Charles goes an hero via letting himself be skull-fucked brutally by an Infector.
- Doctor Terrence Kyne - A Unitologist who tries to help Isaac, but the dumb fuck gets shot by Kendra. Like Isaac, he seems to still be seeing his dead lover.
- Nicole Brennan - Isaac's dead girlfriend. Isaac sees her throughout the whole game and at the end of the game has zombie sex with her.
- John Carver - A badass who is Isaac's butt buddy throughout Dead Space 3. Has crazy acid trips like Isaac did in the last one, but he's seeing his family, which includes his wife who doesn't know her fucking place, and his son who misses his father's cock up his ass. All the while they tell him to MAKE THEM WHOLE.
Bosses
- The Leviathan - A giant goatse in an even more giant tumble dryer. When weakened, it shoots exploding loogies at you.
- The Hunter - A magical, giant necromorph that CANNOT DIE!!OMGWTFBBQ!! The only thing you can do to keep this thing off of your tail is to cut all of its arms and legs off, which will only act as a minor annoyance as it instantly grows them all back. Eventually you lead it into an LG brand refrigerator and freeze it, but that bastard Mercer predictably thaws it. Then you have to KILL IT WITH FIRE just to prove you won't put up with Mercer's bullshit anymore.
- The Big Thing That Throws Shit At You - Why doesn't this monster have a name? The writers were lazy. Basically all you have to do is shoot the fuck out of it with a laser turret gun. (You have to do this because it's blocking the signal to some other ship that crashes into you because it picked up an escape pod that had just ONE of the EASY necromorphs in it.)
- The Hivemind - The final boss of the game. the Hivemind is a really, really, really, REALLY big penis shaped tentacle monster that will fuck you up if you don't kill it fast. All it really does is smash its tentacles at you and scream in your face. Some of the
ScientoUnitologists say that it controls every single necromorph. Then when you kill it, how is your girlfriend still alive?
To make things simple, here is walkthrough on how to kill these things.
- The Leviathan - First shoot the glowing things on its tentacles, then shoot into its throat.
- The Hunter - Run, cut off limbs, run, cut off limbs, run, cut off limbs, burn. Done!
- The Big Thing - Like I said, shoot the fuck out of it.
- The Hivemind - Okay, this one is really complicated, so pay close attention. First you have to HNNNNNNGGGGG
In Dead Space 2 there is only one boss, the final boss. Isaac walks towards the light and gets harpooned by Barack Obama. After you impale that nigger with his own cock Isaac's dead girlfriend pops up again. Just as Isaac is fixin' to motorboat 'dem titties, she force feeds him over 9000 mics of LSD. He must then run around inside his brain repeatedly killing small children and beating his old lady until the marker divides by zero. Isaac runs home and eats a xanax to ease his comedown before choking his chicken to CP and that one-eyed cunt Ellie.
If you get to close to Nicole at any point in the fight she grabs you and screams in your face until Isaac pulls a Kurt Kobain with a Javelin Gun. Clearly EA wanted to demonstrate that women shouldn't open their fucking mouths.
- Regenerator - This motherfucker returns with a vengeance in Dead Space 3, and this time he's got friends. Same as last time, hack, slash, stasis, run like hell. Later you get to SHOOT THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN HIS FUCKING FACE WITH A FUCKING GATLING GUN.
- The Nexus - This HUEG bastard shows up to fuck up your day and haunt your dreams. If you think shooting the weak spots is gonna win this, think again, faggot. Isaac and Carver get sucked in by this fucker, and they have to kill it from the inside. Really fucking original, guys.
- The MOON - That moon you saw on the way in? Yeah, that's the final boss. If you don't know what it takes to kill this thing, you shouldn't be playing this game. In case you are retarded, gouge out it's eyes with the markers. Boom. You win. Now go play Crysis 3.
Weapons, Upgrades, Gadgets, and Utilities
Weapons
- 211-V Plasma Cutter - A Future Fucking Staple Gun from the Fucking Future. Isaac finds it in the ship's Home Depot. This is the first weapon that the player will pick up in the game.
- SWS Motorized Pulse Rifle - This gun does
hardly anyMAXIMUM damage and runs out of ammo extremely quickly. Most people beg to differ by saying that it's great for small enemies, but those people are retarded.
- PFM-100 Hydrogen Torch Flamethrower - KILL IT WITH FIRE. In Dead Space 2 if FIRE does not KILL IT, you can just light the entire gun on fire and chuck it at things.
- IM-822 Handheld Ore Cutter Line Gun - This gun is meant to cut things in half. Guts will go all over the place when this thing shoots.
- C99 Supercollider Contact Beam - IMMA CHARGIN' MAI LAZOR!1!11 But don't be fooled. This gun sucks so fucking bad, you'll kill more shit if you shoot it at the ground.
- Force Gun - A space age leafblower, used like a shotgun. Also, HOLY SHIT IN DEAD SPACE 2 YOU CAN CHARGIN' YOR LAZOR WITH THIS TOO!
- RC-DS Remote Control Disc Ripper (AKA Sawblade Gun) -THIS MOTHER FUCKIN' WEAPON WILL NOT ONLY RAPE THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR ENEMY, BUT ALSO SLICE AND DICE THAT MOTHER FUCKER. YOU SEE THAT MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT THERE AND SHING, DONE!!!!
- The Javelin Gun - New weapon in Dead Space 2 that shoots titanium spikes that pin enemies to walls. The alt fire electrifies said spikes.
- Detonator - This piece of shit gun shoots proximity mines that will divide the entire goddamn room by zero if ANYTHING FUCKING MOVES. Using it as a poor man's grenade launcher will drastically reduce your chances of becoming an hero.
- 711-MarkCL Rivet Gun - Semi-automatic bumblebee pistol. Incapable of killing anything. Good for piercing your nipples. Alt fire makes confetti.
- Seeker Rifle - All teh lulz in Dead Space is derived from raping space zombies with power tools. Ergo, this weapon is full of aids, fail, and unfunny. Meant to be a sniper rifle, however, you can't use the scope. The best use the player will get out of it is zooming in for a better look at the mutilated naughty bits of female necromorphs.
Gadgets
- Stasis Module - A device that allows you to slow stuff down a little, so you can either run away like an overcharged speed-freak or get a better shot at the more vulnerable parts of an enemy.
- Kinesis Module - Another doohickey that enables the ability to move stuff around with your mind. Used to move the corpses of female crewmembers into erotic positions by freaks who get off to dead chicks.
Upgrades
- Weapon Upgrades - It's not even worth the trouble of trying to find power nodes to upgrade the shitty weapons.
- Suit Upgrades - The suit can be upgraded in two ways: the level (one to five) or with power nodes. Upgrading the level of the suit makes the suit look awesome while the power nodes upgrade armor and damage. This is ridiculous, though, because of the fact that the upgrades do nothing.
Utilities
- Shop - The player buys stuff here (you should know that by the name of "shop", fucktards). The player has to spend money that is virtually useless on guns that suck ass.
- Bench - No, you do not sit on the bench (unless you want your ass ripped open). The bench is an upgrade station to make your equipment from bad to worse.
Quotes and Bitching
—Obviously someone who's a Jew. |
—A failure calling a game a failure. |
—Pussy that is afraid of monsters in a video game. |
Videos
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Related Links
- Guro
- Metroid
- EA
- EADM
- Gamer
- Death
- Scientology
- Extreme Advertising
- Killdozer
- Rape
- OM NOM NOM
- Resident Evil 4
- Resident Evil 5
External Links
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