Cat

A cat is a small, ornamental, furry automaton often used to provide you with love and companionship when you fuck up your shit life. The substitute child for lonely spinsters and fags, a cat is a household pet that people like to photograph and post in communities, and the official animal of the Internet. Jameth has two cats that he very much loves to photograph.

Lore

Cats were worshiped by ancient Egyptian cultures, which isn't so great considering that they weren't very smart. They inspired the naming of the sixth planet Caturn, the Greek city of Cathens, and a day in our weekly calendar is devoted entirely to them.

Internets relevance

When John Atanasoff and Clifford Berry developed the first digital computing machine at Iowa State University in 1937, little did they know that their invention would become an integral part of a sophisticated worldwide cat picture distribution system.

— Iowahawk, 12 March 2004

The cat is the official animal of the internet lol. Macros are generated, blogs are blogged, and many, many photographs are taken of cats. It is generally accepted that cats are the only thing /b/tards have any love for in their lives, because they remind them of their antisocial, furry-loving selves. It is well documented that a cat is the only thing a /b/tard won't rape, except for one particularly lonely one. Cats haven't ever been unlike rental furniture, the main difference being that one day they will die horribly in front of you and leave you alone forever, just like everyone else.

Are good for... ?

File:UnDrowned Cat.gif

Justice

Unlike large dogs, cats are useless for sex. A domestic cat's junk is too small for even the smallest Asian person's penis. And a large cat can attack you like Siegfried and Roy's tiger. However when a cat hisses at you, it is telling you it wants to give you a blow job which can be quite pleasurable because their tongue feels even better than a vagina. Interestingly, talking about sex with cats is quite distasteful to lovers.

There are rumors that cats are conspiring to take over the world. This is a bit sus. Their main plan of attack is showing people, other animals and inanimate objects their anus a cats anus looks like this * . By doing this, they weird out most normal people, animals and inanimate objects (except furries), causing them to turn away so they are free to further their own nefarious goals, the greatest of which is eating unwatched meals of food. Their plan of attack may also include tripping people up by winding between their legs, irreversible damage to furniture, hanging out on stairs and peeing on carpets. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn pics onto their hard drives.

In September of 2006, an obese orange cat (not to be confused with Garfield) exploited a vulnerability in LiveJournal's video subsystem to redirect people attempting to load LiveJournal eating disorder communities to pictures of the Donut Girl. Every time they loaded the page. Invite a bunch of drama whores to ED, some of them probably even want to take a look around. Oops.... The cat then proceeded to attempt to invite people to lulzcon.

Scientology

Like Scientologists, Cats are known to be organized anti-semites

Scientologists are rumored to despise cats, and have accused them of being in cahoots with the Marcab Confederacy. Rorschach's cat, Mudkips, was poisoned shortly after he (Carasov) was identified on a CO$ video. Naturally the cat, a stray whom Carasov fed, was a mortal threat to Scientologists everywhere and was also most likely a suppressive feline, therefore it was immediately designated fair game and was terminated by Tom Cruise. Cruise failed to destroy or even affect the cat using his OTVIII mind control powers, proving yet again that the cat itself was a deadly conundrum for CO$ followers everywhere, so he instead resorted to poisoning Mudkips by adding ammonia to the food that Carasov was leaving out for him - no, srsly. These events were documented in the forthcoming Mission: Impossible-IV which, like its predecessors, was a box office smash.

Excerpts From a Cat's Diary

The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly Topeka, KS, following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile weaboo, deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent jenkem diet. Only a fascist, democratic, rebel, Jewish, or god fearing soul would dare write such a blasphemous and obvious fabrication, as all cats are inherently powerful, and any attempt to submerge a holy Cat in liquid would necessarily be followed by swift, dishonorable evisceration of all parties involved. LONGCAT IS ALL. ALL FOR LONGCAT.

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their pillow.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time.......

Ancient Folklore

Nazicat, from Leni Riefenstahl's TRIUMPH OF THE WILL (1935)

Cats have been associated with a variety of superstitions for over 9,000 years, and some argue that this is due to them having a mysterious nature, while others maintain that it is simply because all cats are badass motherfuckers with special powers and shit.

Cats are often even associated with the ancient asian art of zen.

Indeed, there have been several very influential cats revealed on the Internets, including Longcat and Ceiling Cat. Others, such as Serious Cat or BIKECAT are merely henchmen with less significant abilities.

Until recently it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path. However, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black person man crosses your path, and subsequently you will die.

Ship Cats

It is a long standing tradition to get a cat when going away to sea. There are multiple reasons for this.

They pwn mice
They are lulzy
They stop the crew from going batshit insane
They keep everyone happy

Objections to the continual sodomy on board can be answered with, 'Hell! at least we are not swiving the CAT!!!'
(Later, the speaker will swive the cat.)

They are AWESOME
They can play the piano, like Keyboard Cat.

"Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit

“	CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.	„
—Ambroce Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

You can also pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because:

it raises money
it raises lulz
it creates Internet drama
as long as you claim later it's all a social experiment then it's okay, right?

NB: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.

You can make money on Facebook by pretending to kill your neighbor's cat then waiting for reward money for your name and outing yourself!

~~It is illegal to kill cats on Caturday.~~ It's always illegal to kill cats.

Fun Fact: /b/tards are jaded husks of human beings, able to crack jokes at everything from 9/11 to Rodney King, but will go apeshit if you harm a cat. I guess when you're at your computer with nothing but a 2 hour break your only friends are your IRC channel and your diabetic cat. Top scientists are still speculating why this occurs, but leading studies usually point out they're basically full of shit, considering the typical Btard mocks PETA mercilessly.

Sometime, Kitty Kill U

Galleries

Namecats About missing Pics

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Computer Cats About missing Pics

delicious
Microsoft certified
Spam machine!
MacCat is pwning Windows

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Just Watching... meaoooo
It'll cost you, though
LOGGING IN WITH HIS MIND
Don't be fooled!
Lol, pwned
Kitty fixxes you up!
HAX
MOAR RAM
MacCat is laughing at you
Follow instructions, plzkthx
1337 cat!
Haxxorcat
Eh, still better than AOL tech support.
Lol, n00b
What a disappointment you became
miauu..2U understand?
This cat suffers from a victim complex. Take pity on the kitty.
Piracy is bad

Other Cats About missing Pics

^_^
Gentlemen
Felis Erectus.
Huntercat knows the score.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

D'AWWWWWWW
Fucking ghey saudi cats.
New Animu Speedy Long Cat
But even after being subjected to animal abuse, your pussy will still love you. heart*heart*
Vagina Cat Does Not Want
bitches don't know bout snipercat's magic bullitz.
wetcat does not want
I is legion
Cat 2.0
Don't make me kill it.
It's a trap!
Travoltacat

Travoltacat
Nobody Luvs Him, whaaa!
The warning came a bit too late

The warning came a bit too late
Submarinercat wants your periscope up.
Submarinercat and his blueprints.
PedoCat
WTF cat is WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK
o_O
Fuck off n00b.
A free cat
Heil Kitler
Jew
Bedcat: in ur bed, strokin' harbl
Seriose kitn
Kaisercat

Kaisercat
Schrödinger's cat
An easy way to transport your pet
~~Zombie Cat~~ Longcat
Pooperkitten is not happy
PETA Cat
Cramped Cat
Beer Glass Cat
b00bzCat wants UR n00dz.
Fagcat is a faggot
O I C wut u did thar
Kung fu cat will show you his moves!
Hallwaycat is in ur hallways, eatin ur children
Supcat wants to know, Sup.
Giant Mutant Cat
Elton John cat is FABULOUS
Lucky cat
Lord Happycat of Happyciecster

Lord Happycat of Happyciecster
Rapecat is about to get imminent on that ass.
File:CHANGECAT.jpg
Juggercat wants you to stay out of his head.
The floaty-light
Some cats liek to read dictionaries.
Some cats have gambling problems.
Catbus is everybody's favorite mode of transport.
Cat sandwich
Japancat is stuck in a tree :-(
=(
Boozer cat needs his fix
Kitty's confused
Spamcat got gipped!
Teh Santa Cat noes waht joo want 4 xmas!!!1!
Moar!
Lololol
Inly an Osia
:)
moar Mooncat
Public education cat needs to learn more
Yiffcat is not amused!
VTEC Just Kicked In Yo
Sonic suicided with bricks and knives
BIKECAT senses danger
Hurry!
Every dogs worst nightmare.
Kitty works hard for her money
WTF!!! This are not Caturday!!!
Sportycat knows you are holding the team back
Cyclops cat is watching you.
...proceed.
Y U DO DAT?
halp meh
Sand cat is not amused, either.
No niggers
STFUcat says STFU
Dr. Kinsey-cat sees through your lies, woman
Nomnomnomnom
ZOMG realdoll
Pissoffcat says "Piss Off Bitch!"
Nobody escapes ethe masterlock!!
Double-check your gardens.
Pussy- n; sperm receptacle.
RAGE CAT hates you too.
OMG NO!
Desu
File:Callouscat.jpg
A simple cat.
Bacon cat
Terror
Typical muslim cat.
Eventually, cold hard reality sometimes sets in.
Cats deliver pizza
Cute incarnate in Shrek, to draw the ladies to a movie about a fat disgusting ogre.
HURRRRR
AnonCat
Asian cat is asian
Cavities don't fuck with cats.
Some cats are actually ninjas in disguise
It Are Cat
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Call a Plumper!
DESU!
BEHOLD I AM CAT JESUS
Reaction cats
Pocket kitty
File:HOW DO WE KILL SUPERMAN?.jpg
The guy that makes all these horrible macros
For Great Justice.
"Hurro...I'm 33 PoundCat and here is the news."
HESA FIRIN HIS LAZER
Invisible deep throat
delishuss sawsidge
Better not tell the fundies
JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION! GET IN THE CAR!
Fourth Year Theoretical Physics Degree Cat
Difficult to spell

Difficult to spell
Mr. Kat
A domestic house cat.
Sometimes gets mad

Sometimes gets mad