James Bond

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Bond discovers the latest Bond Girl isn't a girl.

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Daniel Craig whips out his secret weapon.

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Spies leave secret signals to each other at special "drop points".

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If in doubt distract SMERSH with your tits.

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Spies like to blend into the background.

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MI5 provides a suitable role model for little girls.

According to Wikipedia, Commander Sir James Bond, (RSPCA, RNLI) - an officer of the British Special Overseas Service (SOS) - has long been a household name and remains a huge influence within the genre like Angelina Jolie. The "James Bond Theme" - Yakety Sax - was written by Sheena Easton and was first orchestrated by the Barry Norman for 1962's Film '97, although the actual authorship of the music has been a matter of controversy for many years. The author, Ian Fleming, based the character on himself but unlike ordinary Mary Sues made a fuck load of money.

Dr. No

On April 5 1958 the New Statesman published a review entitled "Sex, snobbery and sadism" [1], part of which reads;

“	The plot can be briefly described. James Bond, an upper-class Secret Service Agent, is sent by his sadistic superior, M., to Jamaica, to investigate strange incidents on a nearby island. By page 53, Bond's bodyguard, a faithful and brutal Negro called Quarrel, is already at work, twisting the arms of Chinese girl to breaking point. She gouges his face with a broken flash bulb, and in return, he smilingly squeezes the fleshy part of her thumb (described by Fleming as the 'Mount of Venus', because if it is well-developed then the girl is 'good in bed') until she screams. ('She's Love Moun' be sore long after ma face done get healed', chortles Quarrel.) Next, Bond's mysterious enemies attempt to poison her with cyanide loaded jenkem, and then insert a six-inch long venomous centipede in her vagina. (She could feel it nuzzling at her skin. It was drinking! Drinking the beads of lady juice!').	„

The book immediately soared to the top of the charts, and has been a favourite on the exam syllabus of English schools ever since.

The Films

The first Bond film, "What's New Pussycat" starred Jewish pedophile Woody Allen and saw him having madcap adventures on the set of "War and Peace" in South America whilst being chased by a giant GM banana armed with an orgasmotron or something. It starred Tom Jones as M, Diane Keaton as daft hippy spy "Vagina Cunt" and a young Michael Myers as "boy sex toy number two".

The second Bond film, "Casino Royale" starred David Niven and Daniel Craig as two different Bonds vying for the affections of Sean Bean, probably, whilst the Bond girls were Jane "Honest gov I was born in New Orleans" Seymour as "Anal Rimjob" and Halle Berry as "Topless Hand Shandy".

The last Bond film, "Goldfinger" ... oh for fuck's sake go look it up on Wikipedia.

The Gadgets

The BangBus. Bond cruises the streets look for dumb jailbait to fulfill his beastly public school boy sex on camera.

The Umbrella. First hint of rain, and Bond whips out something that looks like an ordinary sword stick but which, at the press of a button, forms a miniature canvas roof.

Rollerskates

CAPSLOCK

The real James Bond

1939: Sir Joseph Madeupname ("M" in the Bond novels) devises a plan to rid Britain of upper class homosexuals and the Nazis in one fell swoop. He founds SOS - the Special Overseas Service - and using the enticement of a free blowjob and an enamel badge saying "I licked the Nazis", rounds up all the communist poofs in Oxbridge University and sends them to the country to be roughed up by beefy Marines.

1940: "M" gathers up all the train and plane spotters in the UK and drops them into Nazi-occupied France to "report back on troop movements" thus ridding the UK of that particular sort of weirdo for at least two decades.

1941: British spies sneak into Luftwaffe Headquarters and write "London" over the city of Coventry on the giant wall map in indelible orange crayon, thus diverting the German bombers away from important rich people.

1942: Alan Turing, in between bouts of bumming and being emo, cracks the infamous Nazi Letter Substitution Code.

1943: British spies sneak into Tokyo Imperial High Command and using Letraset (British Empire Wog Typeface Number 23 "Kanji") re-label Pearl Harbour, Hawaii as "Singapore" on all the maps, thereby allowing the British troops in the real Singapore to surrender without a fight.

1944: British intelligence dress a dead sheep in the uniform of a British officer named Brigader-General Joseph Madeupname (DDT, BAA) and float him into Rotterdam harbour. In "his" coat is a letter to "his" Welsh lover that reads "Dear Dyfed, We will be invading Germany through Finland or possibly Albania but definitely not Normandy. Yours for eternity, Fluffy."

1945: Polish patriots under the direction of the Special Overseas Service ride a bicycle very fast towards Amon Goeth, OberJewlighter of Upper Szczebrzeszyn in an assassination attempt. When he hears the news Goeth put his eye out with an overly dramatic Nazi facepalm.

1966: England defeats Germany in the Soccer World Cup putting an end to the Nazi scourge for at least four years.

James Bond

Contents

Dr. No

The Films

The Gadgets

The real James Bond

See Also

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James Bond

Dr. No

The Films

The Gadgets

The real James Bond

See Also

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