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Retsupurae
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This article is poorly written, full of inconsistency, plotholes, spelling errors and grammatical mishaps. 7/10 |
Retsupurae is a collaboration of various Something Awful basement dwellers who get paid to comment over video game footage that they themselves didn't record. They also get paid to ban people from their subforum, and have a fanbase consisting of 14 year olds who use their allowance to buy their shitty merchandise. The main faggots behind the magic are Slowbeef and Diabetus. Occasionally, they also include other dribbling SA retards in their videos. The kind of humor they employ revolves around taking awful LP videos, rambling over them, and praying that their audience will think they're hilarious (even though the humor really comes from the stolen footage rather than their idiotic commentary). This is also known as the Ray William Johnson Effect.
Slowbeef is credited with the creation of Let's Plays on the SA forums where he now rules with an iron fist, banning anyone and everyone who dares to speak badly about games he loves or Retsupurae. Ever since Slowbeef had the brilliant idea to record himself failing at The Immortal, while speaking over slideshows of the game. Since then, his recording skills seem to have deteriorated, which isn't saying much. He soon realized how much of a cancer he unleashed by commenting over games, and joined forces with a goon by the name of Diabetus. They were soon joined by other SA members in a glorious circle-jerk. Since then, they have attempted a form of chemo by criticizing and commentating over videos that are only marginally worse than their own.
History
The Retsupurae channel started in 2008 when Slowbarf decided he wanted to make fun of retards who couldn't afford expensive audio equipment doing shitty Let's Plays. The channel quickly became popular as all the Something Awful goons praised it. During this time, the channel could be considered "decently funny", as they actually mocked the faggots behind the videos by calling them gay. With popularity comes sponsors, and in this case nothing was different. RP quickly jumped in and asked for the jew golds. In exchange, they had to make their channel PG-13, thereby forever removing any lulz. Other and funnier Let's Players quickly surpassed Retsupurae, much to Slowyiff's dismay. So what else could they do, other than try to attack the big channels and hope to cash in on their success in an attempt to look original and edgy? Oh wait. The channel also became more and more politically correct as they introduced the Social Justice Warrior Cherrydoom to the team. The attacking of other LPers didn't work as well as planned, so they had to think of some other way to make money, instead of getting a job. This resulted in podcasts, which require no effort or talent. They invite YouTube superstars onto these podcasts, then proceed to suck their dick. They hardly ever do LPs anymore, and in fact, they have their own fans record the game for them so they can proceed to talk over it. Mocking bad LPs is even more of a rarity, and they won't do it unless the victim is famous. They gots to make money somehow.
Members
Slowbeef
Slowbeef (Powerword: Michael Sawyer) is the one to blame for all this. An overweight video-game programmer hailing from New Jersey, he's sure to let you know this, you know what I am saying, y'know? Much like the losers that are the victims of his constant cyberbullying, he can't pronounce even the simplest words due to of all the dick he has sucked. Like many hipsters trying to be edgy, he claims his favorite game is Contra 3.
He is also an admin on Something Awful's Let's Play board, where he spends all his time banning people and watching horrible LPs (praising them, we might note, since they shelled out the 10 bucks for his approval). Somehow, this guy got married and I can't even get a date.
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Diabetus
Diabetus (Powerword: Ben Whitfield) is the slave and butt buddy of Slowbeef. Wherever Slowbeef goes, Betus goes as well. Where Slowbeef is Fatman, Betus is his Robin, since he will always be in the shadow of his mentor (sucking him off, amirite). Betus is from the shithole known as Alabama. Ol' Betus is so piss-poor at gaming that he has spent over 20 months completing Super Mario Galaxy 2. Which is a game for kids. He is also known for loving and LPing Battletoads.
His Facebook
Other members
- Psychedelic_Eyeball The only non-native English speaking in the crew, and boy does it show. His accent is stronger and more unintelligible than a retarded black toddler's. Known for blowing at games, so he only plays the harder ones, which he edits and save-states the fuck out of, so he can actually look good on the YouTube. He doesn't.
- Proteus49994 Tries to RP games by himself. Doesn't succeed. He only uploads video to LParchive so he avoids receiving any negative feedback.
- ProtonJon Exactly like all the bad videos that are getting RP'ed. The most popular of the crew, but usually not associated because of his massive subscriber base.
- Dave_O A Norwegian stoner with the ability to render framerates asunder. He has never completed an LP because he's too busy getting stoned off his tits.
- Chip Cheezum Young boy, with a massive erection for Metal Gear Solid. And Ironicus. Was devastated when Ironicus turned out not to like dick. Once had a female fan offer her vagina to him, but he rejected it and ran away scared. Has a collaboration channel with Ironicus called ChipCheezumSA, to show their boner for Something Awful.
- Ironicus BFF (Butt-fucking friend) of Chip, also has a massive erection for Metal Gear Solid as well as Doctor Who. Got tired of cumming in Chip's overeager ass, so he found a fat hoe instead.
- Voidburger The second on the list with a vagina, the first being ProtonJon. Except ProtonJon most likely isn't a trap. Some argue she's named Voidburger due to her black hole of a mouth that sucks in anything. Only ever plays Silent Hill (and doesn't shut the fuck up about it, either), and absolutely sucks balls at it. Voidburger also frequents DeviantArt where she draws funny renditions of herself, because she is afraid to show her picture since she is fat and ugly. Suffers heavily from Girl on the Internet Syndrome.
- CherryDoom The one with the smallest tits, so it's no wonder she became a SJW. Completely uninteresting. Has a voice like a mouse being raped against a blackboard. Too much of a pussy to do LPs as she might be criticized, and might not be able to use the old "BUT I AM A WOMAN" defense.
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Voidburger is used to getting it between the buns. -
Nobody is going to want to LP Cherrydoom. -
No, ProtonJon, no girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed twat. -
Chip.
Let's Play Categorized
Here is what the following version of LPs these retards have concocted:
- Wrongupraes - Shitty drawn-out LPs of boring games.
- Retsufrash - Irrelevant LPs of Flash games.
- RP'ing The LP's - Riffing on famous people with infinitely more success than Retsupurae.
- Guestupraes - The same as above, only without Diabetus.
How to make a Wronguprae or Retsufrash
Record an unknown game.Steal it from World Of Longplays instead or have some goon record it.- Makes sure it looks like shit.
- Don't mention where to find the game.
- Make zany observation.
- Make "funny" voices such as the cacophonous "Ridley voice", despite hating people that do funny voices.
- Attempt a weak pun.
- Attempt deadpan humor.
- Make sure the video extends to a point where every joke has been completely exploited.
How to make a "RP'ing The LP's or Guestsuprae
- 1 Get two commentators. One has to be Slowbeef. If RP use Diabetus, otherwise use Facebook.
- 2 Find someone using a camcorder to record his footage.
- 3 Suggest that he should buy a capture device and an expensive microphone.
- 3½ If he has this, still proclaim to the 1%, with the fact that he has either 100 times more or 100 times less subscribers than you.
- 4 Protest that the game is too unknown, too famous or just boring.
- 5 Drown out his commentary with your own.
- 6 Steal his video.
- 7 Partner your new video with Fullscreen.
- 8 ?????
- 9 PROFIT!
Drama Wars
Stealing Ideas From AVGN
Being the unoriginal fucks that they are, they decided to comment over a shitty game known as "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties". This was of course already done by the Angry Video Game Nerd. Slowquiff and Diabeatoff strenuously deny this, because Fullscreen still gives them their precious golds. To the right, you'll also see the video's thumbnail features a cleavage shot. This was done intentionally to bring in the 13 year olds who could find Retsupurae funny. This scene only happens for a split second, and yet somehow that's what ended up being the thumbnail of the video.
Retsupurae vs. PewDiePie
Last Thursday Retsupurae decided they wanted to get in on the success of PewDiePie. So they made a video called Adults React To PewDiePie (Note: Most of them aren't even adults) where they assembled some of their most loyal fanboys (including a nigra woman) to do a reaction video. It was of course manufactured anger, as nobody really cares about a children's entertainer.
PewDiePie, of course, saw through their obvious jealousy, and replied with a gracious and well thought-out response, admitting he didn't care and that he was simply in it for the money. Massive lulz, butthurt and drama poured from the internet in response, causing many of PewDiePie's fans to hate him, and even publicly denounce him. For one brief, shining moment, Retsupurae was seen as a god, and the internet bowed graciously.
A proper response to the jealousy
One of the fangirls (who got rejected by PewDiePie for being too much of a cumguzzler) tries to read the post. It ends poorly.
vs. OMFGCata
In another desperate attempt to leech off more popular users, Blowbeef had the idea to take on OMFGCata by redoing the same video, minus the cursing and screaming. Instead, he announced it as if he was reading a script aloud. Of course the fanboys of RP thought this was hilarious and completely innovative and never seen before, but then again, most of them have the mental power of a tapeworm.
When Slowbeef's big idol, Totalbiscuit made a similar video, RP unexpectedly went silent. Slowbeef didn't want to spoil the option to suck the pristine Britfag cock come next PAX. Rumors are that TB developed ass cancer soon afterwards, which just goes to show there really is a God.
Somehow worse than both the RP and the OMFGCata videos combined.
vs. BillyMC
Because going after capable LPers was too hawd for widdle Beef and Betus, they decided to search for special LPers, so they could gain the upper hand. After browsing YouTube for hours, they finally found their stool pigeon; enter BillyMC, an aspiring young man with a love for the underdog film The Karate Kid. After multiple videos highlighting Billy's failures, Slowbeef and Diabetus successfully bullied him off the internet.
Their main attack point was that Billy was terrible at Super Mario. This is, of course, mere projection, as Diabetus and Slowbeef can't edit away their own incompetence at games:
vs. cr1tikal
Amidst the Retsublitz, an attempt to pump out 3 videos a day for a month, Slowbeef and Chip, made a video directed at cr1tikal also known as penguinz0, that was pulled down within seconds, as they found out this nigra actually donates his YouTube gold to charity, instead of spending it on watermelon. So unlike RP he isn't doing it for the money. This made Retsupurae very upset, and they quickly removed all traces of it. So much for doing the videos for shits and giggles. It should also be noted that cr1tikal is way more popular than Retsupurae, as well as being genuinely funny, and not relying on memes or other people playing the shitty games.
—Slowbeef, On Formspring |
The removed video
ChipCheezum Vs The Let's Play Convention 2010
—Hugh of FMH, not even fooling himself. | ||
—OurLivesOnline on LPC2010 | ||
Sometime during August 2010, the Youtube LPers, led by the After Effects-abusing Fusion Media Network, decided that they had become so famous that they should hold their own convention! A sort of E3 for LPs where you could see the trailers for their upcoming LPs and participate in Q&As with your favorite Youtube LPers. Knowing that Youtubers don't have money, instead of renting out a convention hall, they got themselves a ustream account and set themselves up to do a Livestream on the 14th.
On top of not realizing the fact that an LP convention is in and of itself a fucking retarded idea, the guys at FMH forgot to do one crucial thing: invite the goons.
Cue a horde of trolls spamming the stream's chat asking where goon LPer X was, if they could be in the stream, and generally mocking the stupid questions that Youtubers are prone to asking. Sometime during the whole proceedings, goon Baldurk, who is responsible for running the Let's Play Archives, joined in on the trolling and, noting the fact that many of the featured LPers had pokemon in their channel icons, started to ask the innocent question of what the hosts' favorite pokemon were. When no one would answer him, the rest of the goons began to demand an answer. After humoring him for a bit, Baldurk was banned from the chat and anyone who uttered his name in any context was banned as well. Baldurk, distraught, committed pseudocide, shutting down the archives for a few days.
Aside from that, the stream turned out as well as one would expect something like this to: plagued with technical issues, needless circle-jerking, general dumbassery, and Hugh overusing the words epic and fail until they lost all meaning. At its peak, the stream gained a little over a whopping 200 viewers (50 of which were goons trolling). You can watch a recording of part of it here. (Protip: Scroll to 2:20, that's when the actual audio starts.)
About a month later, after a Retsupurae video (with a list of advice on how to not blow at using After Effects and Magic Bullet) was made for some of their videos and the convention's intro, FMH went on hiatus with no explanation. Looks like the "hopefully annual" event won't be annual after all.
Previous Video | Next Video
Mighty Number Retsupurae
Because of the bad rep. these retards have gotten for being overtly abusive towards fat and gay people, they have decided to go full Social Justice Warrior and come out in favor of Dina Abou Karam and her horrible feminist propaganda on the shitfest known as Mighty Number 9. The video is an unfunny skit with Slowbeef playing both a therapist and a frustrated gamer. The punchline of the shitty skit being that only male gamers complain because they don't want to play as a female robot. They are of course missing the entire point in order to gain brownie points, now they have gathered quite a following and "famous" people come to their podcast.
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Animal Crossing
To cater to their 10-year old fanbase, Retsupurae supplied them with various Animal Crossing in-game merchandise.
"Memes"
Throughout their many bad Let's Plays, Retsupurae has given birth to a slurry of shitty memes. Here are but a few:
- "X, did you kill Rita?" from Darkseed 2.
- Speaking in a high-pitched voice, à la Ripley from Metroid.
- Meet n' Fuck X, from their Retsufrash videos.
- Shrimp baby from Darkseed 2.
- King Graham's voice from King's Quest 5.
- Ring toss from Darkseed 2.
- Unregistered Hypercam2 logo.
How To Troll Retsupurae
- Upload an LP without posting it to the Something Awful forum.
- Use a physical video camera to record your screen.
- Or for bonus points, use your webcam (make sure it gets knocked over at least twice).
- Include scan lines.
- Record from an angle. Also obscure part of the screen.
- Have an accent.
- Play Contra3 poorly and denounce it entirely.
- Include yourself as a scare cam, with over-the-top reactions.
- Scream very loudly.
- Ask if Retsupurae killed Rita. Slowbeef hates this meme, so repeat it. Often.
- Include the Hypercam2 logo.
By following these helpful tips, Slowbeef and Diabetus will be on your ass like a nigger on a watermelon in no time at all. Happy hunting!
Gallery
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Slowbeef and his waifu. -
Tonight, on To Catch a Predator... -
Anime doesn't make anything better. -
The only ambition fans of RP has in life
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Now you can show the world that you are an idiot. -
Only 25 bucks for a black shirt with a red stain on it. -
Dave O looks really stoned. -
Voidburger showing her drawing skills. She shouldn't quit her day-job. -
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Wow, just pay $39.99 for this authentic Slowbeef masterpiece!!! -
Makes a fedora look stylish. -
More DeviantArt shit by Voidburger. She just doesn't get it, does she? -
Slowbeef is secretly a trap. -
The fact that he had the gall to sign it... -
I bet there's fanfic of these two. -
Oh, so that's why Proteus rarely guests on Retsupurae nowadays. -
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External Links
retsupurae Their YouTube channel which should be trolled
retsupurae The Twitter, please them how much their videos suck
danmickyatheist A tumblr dedicated to show how unfunny they are
atheistsagainstrp Another tumblr to show how sexist and racist they are
Respective Channels
Diabetus Please visit and reassure him it is time to take his insulin-shot.
Slowbeef Tell him that Contra3 is a horrible game, that killed Rita.
Psychedelic Eyeball Watch him and you will Krijg de kanker (get the cancer)
proteus49994 Who?
ProtonJon We wish he would run away
Dave_O Hvor er narkval?
Chip and Ironicus' let's play channel
Chip and Ironicus' Retsupurae rip-off channel
VoidBurger
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Retsupurae is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
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| Featured article July 29th & 30th, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by Roosh V |
Retsupurae | Succeeded by Luigi's Death Stare |