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Elden Ring
Currently Unfinished Article, will finish soon.
Elden Ring (a.k.a. Dark Souls 2-2: Electric Boogaloo) is the latest in the saga of From Software's Dark Souls series, a shitty action RPG that is primarily known for being as crack rocks and lore so obtuse you have entire channels dedicated to explaining the lore. Like its predecessors, Elden Ring is an extremely unfair game, with all the tropes from the previous games, like enemy spam, cheap deaths, and camera fuckery. Unlike its predecessors however, the bosses this time decided to stop having windows to permit counterattacking, having combos that never end whilst they stick to the player like cum on a nendoroid, and massive attacks that cover the entire arena, leaving little to no room to dodge the attack, which they will continue to spam until the player is inevitably shown large, red text stating "YOU DIED".
Additionally, unlike it's predecessors, Elden Ring is "open world" and allows players to go around raging at multiple bosses before finally deciding to smash their console and go outside to get a fucking life. There's also the addition of Spirit Ashes, which are ghosts one can summon to lessen the pain of getting your teeth kicked into your asshole, however due to their shit AI and poor stats, they serve as a distraction if anything else. Spirit Ashes have caused great deals of gamer rage and lulz across the community, since they can sometimes trivialize bosses, and can therefore make the game ez.
For some inexplicable reason, Elden Ring managed to become the most sold FromSoftware game ever, clocking in at over 20 Million sales.
Gameplay
Much like Dark Souls, the gameplay loop is simple in concept, but due to being made by TEH JAPS, was made unnecessarily convoluted. Normally in these games you'd just smack around everything with your toothpick of a weapon until the enemy dropped dead, but this time that's not gonna work, as due to the aforementioned point of bosses never stopping to rest, you'll need to approach the game differently, like cheesing bosses, and slapping the bosses ass. If one is a casual, they can also spam magic and "incantations" to avoid all the bullshit the game has to offer. Additionally, a new mechanic called Ashes of War were introduced to permit you to add various special abilities to your weapons.
Due to the nature of the game being open world, you now have Fast Travel by default, and have the ability to summon Torrent, a horse goat thing that was blessed with the ability to double jump and fuck with fall damage, causing you to die inexplicably. Torrent was likely named Torrent to prevent noob pirates from getting the game for free. They also added a Stake of Marika mechanic, where certain locations allow you to respawn at the small statue that are often located next to the boss fogwall, rather than the Site of Grace.
Unlike the goal of becoming a living torch of the previous games, your goal in this game is to go mend the Elden Ring and become the Elden Lord, but there are even more options one can do this time. While the game is open world, there's several linear dungeons throughout the game to explore, which are more reminiscent of the older games. There's also more prominent stealth mechanics, since you can now crouch down and rape enemies from behind if you sneak up on them, ala alleyway style.
Finally, you can craft items by collecting a crafting kit, which allows you to utilize several, often shit consumables, and by proxy, is the reason why most people don't craft items.
Starting Classes
There's a total of 10 starting classes to choose from, but for most of them, don't really change anything in the long run, due to how you can level up all stats to an equal level. Additionally, one has starting gifts to choose from, which also don't usually matter, since almost all of them are acquirable later on. There isn't exactly an objectively best class or starting gift anymore.
Each stat is associated with a certain trait, such as Health, Stamina, Magic Points, etc...
Vigor: Affects your health stats, also cushions the blow when you fail to dodge
Mind: Affects your magic point stats, used in tandem with intelligence
Endurance: Affects how long you can run for, how many dodges you can spam, and how much you can wield
Strength: Affects strength scaling weapons, and allows you to bypass strength gatekeeping
Dexterity: Affects dexterity scaling weapons and casting speed, don't tell anyone you leveled it up, otherwise you're a weeb
Intelligence: Something most are lacking, allows you to cast magic and shit
Faith: Demonstrates how fanatical you are, permitting you to use God's powers
Arcane: Wack ass stat that affects your luck and how quickly you can build statuses
| Class | Image | Stats | Description |
|---|---|---|---|
| Warrior |  |
Base Level: 8, Vigor: 11, Mind: 12, Endurance: 11, Strength: 10, Dexterity: 16, Intelligence: 10, Faith: 8, Arcane: 9 | Has the highest dex, wielding duel scimitars. Usually overlooked for more weeby options. |
| Bandit |  |
Base Level: 5, Vigor: 10, Mind: 11, Endurance: 10, Strength: 9, Dexterity: 13, Intelligence: 9, Faith: 8, Arcane: 14 | The emo fgt class. Unlike the previous games, no longer starts with the best gift in the game, but in exchange gets a bow. |
| Confessor |  |
Base Level: 10, Vigor: 10, Mind: 13, Endurance: 10, Strength: 12, Dexterity: 12, Intelligence: 9, Faith: 14, Arcane: 9 | The other emo fgt class. For the edgier sort of folk and the stealth players. |
| Vagabond |  |
Base Level: 9, Vigor: 15, Mind: 10, Endurance: 11, Strength: 14, Dexterity: 13, Intelligence: 9, Faith: 9, Arcane: 7 | The Tank class. For people who have no skill and just run through shit. |
| Wretch |  |
Base Level: 1, Vigor: 10, Mind: 10, Endurance: 10, Strength: 10, Dexterity: 10, Intelligence: 10, Faith: 10, Arcane: 10 | The best class in the game. You start off nekkid and get a tactical wooden club. |
| Prophet |  |
Base Level: 7, Vigor: 10, Mind: 14, Endurance: 8, Strength: 11, Dexterity: 10, Intelligence: 7, Faith: 16, Arcane: 10 | Orderfags #1 starting class. For pussies who like to heal with incantations and throw fireballs at people. |
| Samurai |  |
Base Level: 9, Vigor: 12, Mind: 11, Endurance: 13, Strength: 12, Dexterity: 15, Intelligence: 9, Faith: 8, Arcane: 9 | For all the Wapanese players out there. Has a katana that bleeds things, making it a solid choice, since Bleed is overpowered. |
| Prisoner |  |
Base Level: 9, Vigor: 11, Mind: 12, Endurance: 11, Strength: 11, Dexterity: 14, Intelligence: 14, Faith: 6, Arcane: 9 | Class with a fuck ugly helmet, and can't specialize into any niche, making him bad. |
| Astrologer |  |
Base Level: 6, Vigor: 9, Mind: 15, Endurance: 9, Strength: 8, Dexterity: 12, Intelligence: 16, Faith: 7, Arcane: 9 | Second gayest and shittiest of all of the classes. Uses magic which is |
| Hero |  |
Base Level: 7, Vigor: 14, Mind: 9, Endurance: 12, Strength: 16, Dexterity: 9, Intelligence: 7, Faith: 8, Arcane: 11 | The strength focused class, useful if you wanna level everyone down to your intellect. |
Additionally, this game has a character creator, permitting you to create some lovely creations:
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Kratos, from a better game -
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Another Unfunny Modern Meme -
Rick, from a worse tv show
Weapons
To double down on the clusterfuck of weapons that existed in Dark Souls, Hirohito Miyazaki decided to add a whopping 308 weapons to this game, making it so you'll basically never run out of options to utilize (granted most are shit). As an improvement to the original trio, the cool looking weapons have actually become useful.
List of every weapon in the game
Previous Video | Next Video |
List of widely accepted GOOD weapons
- Eleonora's Poleblade
- Icerind Hatchet
- Vyke's Warspear (Madness in a nutshell)
- Mohgs Area Denial 101 Spear
- Nagakiba (A blade so long you'd think this was Final Fantasy)
- Lusat's Glintstone Staff
- Star Fists
- Bandit Curved Sword (The only good curved sword)
List of shitty weapons
- Rivers of Blood
- Almost all bows
- Almost all whips
- Almost all curved swords
- Every other weapon
Magic
Magic is among the most overpowered thing you can utilize in this game, alongside breaking the games terrain and hurling your PS5 through the wall. Like Dark Souls, it's used for people who want to wipe your poor ass of the face of the earth in PvP, and for nuking sick fucks like Mohg, who we'll get onto later. Magic is primarily split into two categories, Sorcery, and Incantations. They decided to just lump pyromancies into Incantations, thereby removing it of whatever coolness it had.
Sorcery
This category of magic took the "plain old magic" from the previous games, and made it significantly more anime, with big showstopper spells like Comet Azur (the most overrated thing in this game), Zamor's Ice Storm, Astel's Meteorite, etc... It also includes less showstopper but more practical spells like Glintstone Pebble, Glintstone Pebble but bigger, and Glintstone Pebble but black. It's mainly used by the uppity scholars in Raya Lucaria Academy, although unlike Dark Souls, it no longer has the overpowered mess that was Dark Bead, but in place it has Night Comet[1]. Naturally, it being overpowered allows you to one shot people in PvP, which makes people think you're hacking. To complement this, continue to do so until they rage quit or leave a long winded reply on how they're trying to have fun and you're ruining it for them, whilst you bask in your sultry ways.
Incantations
The orderfags form of magic, has a bit more variety than the last time, since Pyromancy was lumped in with this one. Better balanced for PvP due to their generally lower range and power. It also allows you to do things like turn your head into a dragon and spew aids everywhere, make the endgame a joke, throw rocks, become what Gywn always wanted, snipe people from half a mile away, and other stuff that's useless.
How to play teh game
- Choose your class
- Get told you have no bitches
- Fuck around the entire map for two hours whilst getting healing and weapon upgrades
- Grab the dectus medallion halves
- Grab a bow and a shit load of arrows
- Head to aidsland and cheese a bird to get your stick
- Invest in vigor and some weapon levels
- Witness as your low level character decimates other players with impunity
- Become an hero
How You Will Probably Actually Play The Game
- Die trying to fight the tutorial boss
- Get lost trying to explore the first area, Tree Sentinel raped
- Try to explore the lake, Dragon raped
- Head upwards, Margit tells you to fuck off
- Explore more of Limgrave, Bear raped
- Somehow manage to beat Margit, take the main gate, arrow raped
- Waltz your way into Godrick, rape him
- Get lost, raped by something
- Hurl console through the floor, kill yourself
Story
If you bought this game expecting a deep story, well bad news cause if this game had a conventional story, it wouldn't be nearly as good as others in the same genre. According to the man himself, Miyazaki made these games as convoluted as they are because he grew up reading a bunch of books in English, which naturally, he didn't understand how to read them. So in other words, he has decided to throw his ineptitude upon the world with these obtrusive shit shows of a story. George R. R. Martin was involved in the creation of this games story, which is why the game is less dark fantasy and more "generic fantasy". It's also why the game's lore is even more convoluted than usual.
Some bitch named Queen Marika used to rule over these lands, but that changed when she smashed the fuck out of something called the "Elden Ring" that shat out magical golden rays called "grace". This pissed off God so much that he left the entire universe. Additionally, a group of assassins murdered someone known as "Godwyn the Golden". This in tandem with the shattering of the Elden Ring caused all of Marika's inbred dipshits to go ballistic and start an all out war, killing 6 Million and counting. You play as a Tarnished, a complete fucking loser who's been cast aside by the grace, and are tasked with restoring the Elden Ring in order to become Marika's new boy (or girl) toy and claim the title of "Elden Lord".
NPC Characters
| Character | Image | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Melina |  |
The spectral whore/aspiring arsonist who you meet at the start of the game, and gives you your horse thing. She's also the person who gives you the ability to level up, and will either become an hero and burn down the Erdtree, or hunt you down if you decide to become the Frenzied Lord. |
| Ranni the Witch |  |
Supposedly the daughter of Rennala and Radagon, but is actually one of Marika/Radagon's unholy selfcest spawn. She stole the Rune of Death, was responsible for Godwyn dying, and turned into a doll for reasons, and is also responsible for making Rennala not a complete pushover. |
| The Two Fingers |  |
Literally two, giant, hairy fingers that just sit in a room next to some old psychic hag who claims to understand them. They serve as the primary antagonist of the game, despite the fact you cannot fight them. |
| The Three Fingers |  |
Literally three, giant, flaming fingers that will embrace your fully nude body and grant you the power of the Frenzied Flame. Basically the Two Fingers but chaotic evil instead of lawful evil. |
| The Dung Eater |  |
The grandest shit eater and troll this world has ever seen, and a pretty cool guy. Like you, he's also a Tarnished. Unlike you however, he knows how to have fun, mainly by killing people and ripping their souls out of their ass. He wishes to do this grand plan to everyone and everything, and wishes to do it for all of eternity. It's up to you to decide whether or not you'll fulfil his desires, or become a bitch trying. |
The World
Thought you'd get an immersive world this time didn't ya, well tough luck cause in reality, it's full of cliffs, flat plains, and mountains. Really the only good area is Leyndell, and even then it's flawed in many ways. There's also some pretty hidden areas you may want to get to, like Mohgwyn Palace, and the upper portion of Liurnia. By far the worst area one needs to go through is the Lake of Rot, and you have to go through this hellhole if you want the "community coveted ending". It's a area where the floor rapidly fills up your Scarlet Rot meter, which is like Toxic from Dark Souls, except worse because it's health based and a fixed rate of damage. The lizard things from the Ash Lake are also back to inflict death to you. So much like the original Dark Souls games, the world has gone to shit. Anyways here's a brief description on most of the important locations:
| Location | Description |
|---|---|
| Limgrave | Limgrave, also known as Memphis, is the starting area of the game. Here you can find all sorts of wonderous things, such as trees, giant bears, "demi-humans", and the white man who tells you that you lack maidens. There's also a sub area down south known as the Weeping Peninsula. Limgrave is also where you can obtain one of the 4 Great Runes obtainable pre Leyndell. |
| Siofra River | An underground location, known primarily for being nextdoor to Smurf Hell, and as such, you'll get railed to death by the archers that inhabit this area, similar to the Anor Londo Archers. It also has things like sentient lightning balls, and overall is an area that should be avoided at all costs. |
| Liurnia of the Lakes | If there are two things guaranteed in this franchise, it's poison, and swamps, usually mashed together. In this game, we now have Miyazaki's largest swamp to date, comprising at least 30% of the entire map. You can find what could be best described as Lobsterfest, with crayfish like enemies having similar accuracy to the previously mentioned Smurf Archers. |
| Raya Lucaria | Welcome to Hogwarts how may I take your order. The magic area of this game, you'll find all sorts of so called intellects who deny the Golden Order despite the evidence to the contrary. Here you'll fight two main bosses, Red Wolf of Radagon, which is a big bitch of a dog who can cast spells at you, and Rennala, the stay at home mom who is too focused on her egg to notice you killing her kids in a manner not too dissimilar to American schools. This is where you can obtain another one of the Great Runes. |
| Caelid | An accurate representation of Brazil, this is what happens when an entire landscape gets infected with Covid. This is the primary poison zone of the game, and as such includes beings never meant to see the light of day. Around the center of Caelid is the "Swamp of Aeonia", a swamp area filled with Scarlet Rot. Near the bottom of this area is Redmane Castle, a sublevel that primarily hosts the "Radahn Festival", a festival of war dedicated to trying to kill Radahn. This is the third possible location for a Great Rune. |
| Altus Plateau | Prototype Description |
| Mt. Gelmir/Volcano Manor | Prototype Description |
| Leyndell, Royal Capital/Leyndell, Ashen Capital | Prototype Description |
| Mountaintop of the Giants | Prototype Description |
| Consecrated Snowfield | Prototype Description |
| Miquella's Haligtree | Prototype Description |
| Crumbling Farum Azula | Prototype Description |
| Nokron, Eternal City/Deepwood/Ainsel River Main | The underground city of the stars, Nokron and it's inhabitants were consumed in one of the many cultural and physical annihilations/assimilations that the Yehudim were responsible for. Full of naked white whimnz and skinwalkers, this desolate wasteland doesn't exactly have much going on, but what it does contain is a mimic of your own character as a boss, thereby allowing you to experience what it's like killing yourself without doing it (which you should promptly do afterwards). |
| Lake of Rot | Prototype Description |
Endings
Here's what each of the endings does:
| Location | Description |
|---|---|
| Age of Fracture | Prototype Description |
| Age of the Duskborn | Prototype Description |
| Age of Order | Prototype Description |
| Blessing of Despair | Prototype Description |
| Lord of the Frenzied Flame | Prototype Description |
| Age of the Stars | Prototype Description |
The Enemies/Bosses
Every game that wishes to be among the best needs to have a good variety of challenging enemies. Well like it's predecessors this game fucked up in old and new ways, as while the uniqueness of the enemies may have been improved somewhat, they fucked it up by spamming the same types of enemies over and over again, since they couldn't fill up this map with unique stuff and have it release when it did. The variety of enemies include things such as worthless NPCs of an enemy who know their place, various animals like boars, goats, deers, and other stuff you'd find in an amish village, at least 300 variants of dogs and dragons, and demi humans.
List of Notable Enemies
| Enemy | Image | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Dogs | Sample Description | |
| Eagles | Sample Description | |
| Land Octopus | Sample Description | |
| Demi Humans | Sample Description | |
| Soldier | Sample Description | |
| Living Jar | Sample Description | |
| Omen | Sample Description | |
| Kindred of Rot | Sample Description | |
| Sample Enemy 9 | Sample Description | |
| Sample Enemy 10 | Sample Description |
Every enemy here that isn't listed here suck in their own unique ways.
List of Important Bosses
| Boss | Image | Description |
|---|---|---|
| Margit the Fell Omen/Morgott the Omen King |  |
One of the two children born by Godfrey and Marika who should've been euthanized from birth, he serves as the "come back when you're better" boss that's guarding Godrick the Grafted. Morgott is an omen, who were made a slave race by the Golden Order (Surely there's no parallels here). |
| Godrick the Grafted |  |
Godfrey and Marika's NEET incel son who is addicted to plastic surgery. He murders Tarnished and attaches their limbs onto his own body because he's a sick fuck. |
| Rennala: Carian Queen of the Full Moon |  |
Radagon's ex-wife whom he left to go fuck Marika. Much like Godfrey, Rennala is a super cuck who is now reduced to a hapless incel who tends to her amber egg. |
| Starscourge Radahn |  |
One of Rennala and Radagon's sons and a huge motherfucker who rides a scrawny-ass horse and dual-wields great swords. He has a crush on his mother's ex-husband. |
| Rykard, Lord of Blasphemy |  |
Rennala and Radagon's grossest child and a giant mass of snekky tentacles. He wants to devour the very Gods and would very much enjoy devouring them together with you. |
| Mohg, Lord of Blood |  |
Satan, literally satan. I mean just look at him he's got all the works: Pedophilia, Incest, big fuck off trident, black wings, blood rituals and massive shrine dedicated to him, and speaking in Latin. He's the second child of Godfrey and Marika that should've been euthanized from birth. Mohg's gameplan whenever fighting you is to utilize a variety of sanguine schemes and blunt force trauma to pound your ass to a bloody pulp (which he promptly feeds to his consort). Mohg additionally has an attack that's unavoidable in any sense of the word, since it outright ignores invincibility. |
| Malenia, Blade of Miquella/Malenia, Goddess of Rot |   |
A ginger bitch with a nasty case of Scarlet Rot. Was responsible for turning Radahn into a feral animal. She's Miquella's twin sister and you get to see her nekkid. Unfortunately she has no tits and her nipples have fallen off. She's also Malenia, Blade of Miquella, and she's never known defeat. |
| Maliketh the Black Blade |  |
Queen Marika's pet dog, who was tasked with guarding the Rune of Death. After failing to do so, he decided the best method of guarding it was to make it a tattoo and embed it into his skin. He's required to beat into order to progress the game, and he's the primary example of never letting you counter attack. |
| Dragonlord Placidusax |  |
Was the original Elden Lord, before his God decided to fuck right off and Queen Marika took over. He additionally had two extra heads that were cut off by something. To get to this boss, you need to go to some side off path in the Crumbly Windy Zone, keep dropping down without dying to fall damage or falling off the world, then find the specific empty gravestone and lay down in it, and if you die, there's no Stake of Marika and therefore you need to do all that again. |
| Sir Gideon Ofnir: The All Knowing |  |
An autistic nerd who claims to know everything about anything. He serves as a handholding guide for players who don't inherently know how to play games like this, telling you who to kill and what to do. Much like all autistic people however, in the end he's a psychotic bastard who wants to find the albinauric women and commit genocide upon them. Additionally, you fight him towards the end of the game, and most of the time he happens to be a pushover, as he rants for minutes on end about how you're not good enough or something. |
| Godfrey, First Elden Lord/Hoarah Loux |  |
Marika's cuck ex-husband whom she left for Radagon (who is actually herself, making this a MEGA ULTRA CUCK). He was the first to be told to GTFO by grace and became the first Tarnished, after which he joined a group of tribal warriors and became Hoarah Loux, Warrior. |
| Queen Marika/Radagon of the Golden Order |   |
The hermaphrodite god with bipolar disorder and narcissistic personality disorder who kickstarted the events of the game by shattering the Elden Ring, then promptly attempted to repair it. Also cheated on their own husband with themselves, as a demonstration of their narcissism. They serve as the final boss of the game. |
Artificial Difficulty
Spam
Cheap Deaths
Bosses, Cheap Gimmicks, and Unlimited Attacks
"Those" Enemies
Enemy 1: Pages
Enemy 2: Crabs/Crayfish
Enemy 3: Ulcerated Tree Spirit
Enemy 4: Wormface
If one has not seen the following enemy before, I'd advise looking away from it, to spare your sheepish mind of the absolute wretchedness of this enemies design:
Y'all thought FromSoftware couldn't manage to outdo how annoying dogs were in this new game, well you're shit out of luck cause they've managed to perfect what makes an enemy annoying and create this vile abomination.
Behold, the perfect representation of a jewish person in the (human) flesh. Holy fuck nuts how does one manage to perfectly craft such a piece of shit enemy. They knew exactly what they were doing here because every time you're next to a Revenant, Spirit Ashes are enabled, because they knew you'd need them for the pancaking you're about to receive, and they're the kind of enemy you'd see in something like a Ubisoft game.
The revenant manages to find a way to counter whatever strategy you're using. If you try to use melee it'll ramp up the ass slapping machine and rip your health asunder. If you try to close distance it will close distance faster with it's leaping attack that's so fast that it rivals the teleporting dogs from Dark Souls 3. Even trying to use the overpowered magic in this game won't help because it has a teleport if you try to close distance, and it'll follow up that teleport with a spitting attack that sprays poison and deals heavy damage at the same time, cause one wasn't enough.
Frankly I can barely even call this an enemy, and it'd be better to describe it as an interrogating technique. If I wasn't so infuriated at the existence of this thing I could write up a 5000 page demonstration on why this is an awful enemy, so I'll leave it at this: If you see one of these things, run as far away as possible, for fighting it is a losing battle and you will lose a piece of yourself if you try to fight it.
Camera, Warrior of Bullshit
Videos on this game
Gallery
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One of the variants of the Maidenless meme -
Same thing but with woman -
What the Dung Eater does when he's not killing people -
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A nerd calculates the speed of Malenia's Waterfowl Dance sword swings -
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Mohg isn't that different from the players who play this game -
See Also
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Elden Ring is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
