Fallout

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT YOUR DAD KILLS HIMSELF!!!1

The Fallout series is a watered-down version of Rogue set in America during the 1950s, despite the games taking place hundreds of years in the future. The supreme and courageous Amerifag government of this time decided the communist citizens of China needed to be taught a lesson and fired every nuclear ICBM in their arsenal at the commies. However, China got the same idea and fired their ICBMs at the homeland. Soon, every country with nuclear weapons joined in to protect themselves. Some people survived this apocalypse by hiding their families in private banks called "Vaults", emerging only over 100 years later. The first game casts you as one of these Vault-dwellers. You are so pure due to the awesomeness within the Vault you can barely walk, taking every step in a side to side stagger. Unable to walk in diagonal lines, you are a social outcast and are spat upon by even the foulest inhabitants of the Wasteland.

Fallout 1

The game can best be described as a DMV simulator in that you get to move and perform actions only when every other Down syndrome fucker gets their move first. This can lead to the game trolling the fuck out of players, especially when someone important dies and you can't reload until everyone has had their turn. The story itself involves getting a chip for some pedophile that will help avoid a disaster and purify the water in your civilization... only once that's done you're then expected to fix everything else that's fucked up with the Wasteland--namely, mutants. There's also some sort of plot involving a viral strain caused by 'The Master', but really, who in the world would do that?

As this is a role-playing game you can savagely murder children and take their money, but then every last person will try to spank your child-murdering ass. Lamentably, children were removed from the British and German versions of the game, and you will receive greater rewards for being a moralfag. The only noteworthy aspect of the game (other than the infanticide) is having the option to play as an aspie, but even then the hilarity is in short supply.

Fallout 2

As if the first one wasn't bad enough, Interplay decided to come back with another game, this time with more bugs and issues without a patch, yay. If you have played this game and compared it to the first game, you may ask yourself what the difference is. The answer is nothing. Same perk system, same attributes, some new skills,nothing interesting. Even with all the patches, there are bugs everywhere, all substantial.

There are also OMG SO RANDUM encounters in which you meet the bridge keeper from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail, encounter a crashed away craft from the Starship Enterprise, and other random shit that makes the game take years to beat. The penultimate boss is the President of the United States, and the only way to defeat him is to dress up as an intern and give him a hummer, then tell some disgusting, old, fat whore about it while she records the conversation. While escaping, you run into the actual final boss, a super mutant in power armor named Frank Horrigan, with 999 HP, weapons so badass they are not usable by the player without editing the game's code, and a shitload of turrets ready to fuck you right up.

You could get laid in this game and drive a car too. You could also screw yourself over by becoming a slaver, after which all the butthurt moralfags in the wasteland won't do shit for you. You could become a porn star and get AIDS, join the Mafia, get raped by a super mutant, or even become a Scientologist. No, seriously.

Despite the horrible leveling system, the tedious and boring errand boy quests, the failed attempts at humor, and unenjoyable combat system, the basement dwellers at No Mutants Allowed still claim it was the best rpg ever made and refuse to acknowledge Fallout 3 as a sequel, mostly because all the people who made Fallout 2 got shit canned. Apparently, making a game different from its predecessors, despite the drastic improvements, automatically renders it shit. They are extremely butthurt that it didn't follow the same isometric,text based, turn based, boring as hell style as its predecessors, despite being better designed, written, and choreographed.

Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel

...Not to be confused with Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel.

After releasing two games in the main series, it was time for a spin-off and as a result came Fallout Tactics. The graphics are improved from the previous games (you can now play in a screen resolution greater than 640x480), and now the game focuses on combat alone, with cumbersome squad controls and a revised semi-real time combat system that is so fucked up that the player must switch back to the tedious old turn-based system of the previous games. There was also an editor included, which no one has ever figured out how to use. Oh, and you can't bang hookers and kill kids, like you could in previous games.

Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel

..Not to be confused with Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel.

Following the release of Fallout Tactics, Interplay head honcho Herve Caen decided that it would be a great idea to produce a crappy Diablo knock-off as the next installment in the series instead of focusing on the development of Oblivion With Guns, which was at the time known as "Fallout 3" but was changed to Oblivion With Guns to more suit the style of the game. The title Van Buren or some faggy German shit like that was also considered. Brotherhood of Steel was built on the same game engine as Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance, which, coincidentially, was also a shitty Diablo clone of a well-known CRPG series.

Needless to say, nobody bought BoS (more like PoS, amirite, lol) and Interplay went bankrupt. For some reason, everyone at Interplay kept working, despite being evicted from their office and going without pay for at least 100 hours.

Van Buren, The Real Fallout 3

After years of planning for the next entry in the franchise, Black Isle Studios (the makers of the games), suddenly went into bankruptcy. Apparently not releasing a new product for several years can lead to financial ruin. Who knew? They also claimed that the game was OMG ALMOST FINISHED, but alas, no one cares. Their headquarters were gutted, the company disbanded, and their financial executives were anally raped by Super Mutants.

So with the loss of the developers, the child-murdering nuclear apocalypse rape game officially died. And so it remained for the better part of a decade, until with a trusty G.E.C.K. in one hand and its penis in the other, Bethesda officially acquired the rights to the Fallout franchise.

Fallout 3

This may look intimidating, but one shot to its head with a shotgun and you win.

Fallout 3 is the highly successful revival of the franchise by Bethesda Softworks, who realized that the only way to revive a completely dead franchise was to completely disregard any sort of lore from the original games and make up their own, shitty storyline. Bethesda even fucked up so hard that they forgot that Harold, a character from Fallout 2, died in an explosion, yet he comes back as a tree in their own installment. Give a bunch of uneducated developers who don't know what the hell they're doing the rights to a game, a short deadline, and bunch of crack, and you have Fallout 3.

Quests

One of the many praised aspects of Fallout 3 is the variety of quests. Unlike most RPGs, this game doesn't bore you to death with redundant quests like finding things and killing this dude. The majority of the side quests are well-written, with reasonable lengths and many paths to take. The quests have good and evil options to them, along with many ways to end the quest.

The main quest goes like this: You are born in the Jefferson Memorial. Seconds afterward, your mother dies from cardiac arrest after pushing your fat ass out of her vagina. Your dad is too much of an alcoholic to raise you by himself, so he seeks shelter in a Vault. You grow up in the Vault, and all is going well until your dad leaves you behind and heads out to the Wasteland to finish your mom's project she started a long time ago. You escape the Vault and track him down, encountering many of the excellent side quests on the way. Eventually, you find your dad trapped in a dream simulator, and you help him escape it by either killing everyone else or releasing a bunch of Chinese commandos to do it for you.

Is it Rule 34 if it's an unaltered image from the game?

Dad is butthurt that you left the Vault, but decides you have proven yourself worthy of helping him with Project Purity, an attempt to create purified water all across the Wasteland. Either help him, or tell him to fuck off for leaving you in the Vault (which you deserved). If you choose to help him, a wannabe group of Internet Tough Guys find their way to the purifier and attempt to use it for themselves. Your dad, being a moralfag, sacrifices himself to keep the purifier by releasing large levels of radiation upon himself and the Enclavefags. The leader, Colonel Autumn, injects himself with modified Rad-X to survive.

You escape with the other scientists to join up with the Brotherhood of Steel. You are required to hunt down a G.E.C.K., a necessary key for the purifier. After you get it, you are date-raped by the Enclave and are taken to their base. President Eden asks you to use a virus that will kill any mutants, ghouls, or irradiated people (pretty much anybody that was not in the Enclave) with the purifier. You then haul ass out of the base, join back up with the Brotherhood, and prepare to take back the purifier. You fight your way through the Enclave's defenses, kick Autumn's ass, and reclaim the purifier. However, the asshole Enclave tampered with it. It must be activated immediately or ~~the universe will explode~~ it will never be usable. You are faced with one final decision: Wat do? You can be brave and sacrifice yourself to activate the purifier, get that bitch Lyons to do it, or a ghoul/super mutant to do it. If you choose to do it, you can activate the FEV virus to kill fucking everybody, or not. Either way, you die unless you have the DLC.

V.A.T.S.

Allows the player to target Vaginas, Anuses, Tits, and Shit on an enemy while time has stopped. This enables you to do critical damage to the enemy or shoot the gun out of their hand when you ejaculate. Most of the time the player will just do headshots to try to end the fight faster, which isn't fun at all. V.A.T.S. is percentage based, so if your weapon is a piece of shit and your weapon skills suck ass, then you will miss consistently even at point blank range(WTF?). If you do make contact and kill your enemy, they will be decapitated in the most spectacularly gory way ever as a way of thanking you for putting up with V.A.T.S.' non-removable slow-mo.

Don't even try to use melee weapons though. Bethesda decided to make V.A.T.S. in melee FUCKING USELESS (except for The Shiskebab which skeets hwat fiyar!). Not only can you not target a specific area on the enemy's body, but every time you decide to V.A.T.S. with melee you will hit them once and then use all of your AP like a person with a very high I.Q. waving your laughably ineffectual weapon at nothing. Instead, only use melee weapons to quickly drain the health of stronger enemies by playing ring-around-the-rosie with them, continuously slashing them in the back.

If you manage to save up 9000 caps, you'll be able to get a blowjob from one of these lovely ladies.

S.P.E.C.I.A.L.

Having been around since the first game, S.P.E.C.I.A.L. is a character creation/leveling/skill system. When the player first creates a character, they can apply stat points to different attributes. For example, you can make a character with low intelligence (and watch him grunt his way through the game's conversations) and low charisma, but very high strength and endurance. With Fallout 3, Intelligence is the number one skill to level up, as apparently being smart equals moar learning. You can also choose to specialise in three skills which range from essentials (big-ass guns), to useful (Steal), to just plain useless (Outdoorsman).

Actual Gameplay

What happens when you play Fallout too many times.

Fallout 3 is a boring and neverending cycle of killing raiders who use crappy weapons and the same armor. That, or reloading your game because of all the game-breaking bugs it has.

Characters

Fallout 3 has a fuckton of characters, but most just spout TL;DR shit and only want to show you their skill at catching your shotgun shells with their faces.

Dad: After you murder your mother, good ol' dad abandons you in the vault because of personal issues. He even leaves you a note describing in detail that he fucking hates you. Because everyone set their S.P.E.C.I.A.L intelligence to 1, your character sets out to find him. Dad honorably sacrifices his life to save his only child, but not before he castrates you for awsomely blowing up that shitty ghetto (which everyone did).

The Overseer: Dad's decision to GTFO makes the head nigga in charge rage, and he decides to kill everyone in the vault. After having a civil chat with him, you then depart the vault after getting blown by his daughter. Alternatively you can just waste his crazy nigga ass.

Amata: HOW ABOUT I SHOW YOU A REAL TUNNEL SNAKE, AMATA?

Butch: Leader of the Tunnel Snakes and a total Internet Tough Guy. In the chaos of the vault escape, he is in dire straits and asks for your help because he hates bugs. Your character promptly tells him to fuck off and proceeds to gang-bang Butch's mother with four other ~~rad~~cockroaches. In the unlikely event that you let this 'badass' loose on the wasteland, he lives up to his gang leader status and becomes a hairdresser.

Sheriff Simms: Seeing a lot of black person leader figures in this game? Lucas Simms took advantage of the post-apocalyptic scenario, in true black style, to steal some fine-ass threads and a sweet gat in order to reign supreme over the poor innocent white inbreds in Megaton. A natural uppity coon, he confronts you at Megaton's gate and makes you his bitch (doesn't matter if you're a guy or not).

Dogmeat: The companion dog found in all Fallout games. In almost all the games, Dogmeat is typically killed within minutes of acquiring him. However, in Fallout 3 he is fucking invincible, so send him to do your shit for you.

Mister Burke: Megaton's closed, but it would seem Mister Burke had other ideas. The character that everyone wanted to be upon first meeting him. As the story progresses, Simms decides to arrest him and interrogate him for any useful information. Burke reminds Simms that black people cannot amount to anything before streaming a torrent of lead into his stupid ass. Asks you to pwn Megaton for the lulz. Seriously, this guy is a fucking badass.

Three Dog: Host of GNR (Gay Nigger Radio) who hates the government and doesn't afraid of anything. He sends you on a quest halfway across the world map just to tell you the information you ask for(along with a TL:DR rant about the good fight). That information is only about three fucking sentences and you could have figured it out yourself if you had used your fucking brain. He strongly believes he is a brave, noble voice of his generation, despite the fact he's just an uppity nigger shouting into a microphone from the safety of his tower.

President John Henry Eden: President of the Enclave. President of America. President of your heart. He loves America. Really, really loves America. And he loves YOU, darling American. Becomes an hero after talking to him for two sentences.

Dr. Stanislaus Braun: An insane Nazi scientist who wanted to be little girl, so he used computer science to make his own incredibly gay and buggy MMORPG so he could have a fugly loli as his avatar. Since he didn't have any friends to play his super awesome game with, he lured a lot of people into his basement with promises of candy, and forced them to join his server. When you meet him, he has used his admin abilities to turn your father into a dog in order to brainwash him into thinking he is a furry, and he then proceeds to turn you into a child (possibly to fulfill a dream of having underage cybersex).

Scribe Yearling: A tranny member (no srsly she has a mustache!!!) of the Brotherhood of Steel, a group of people with a technology fetish who live in the Pentagon and fap to a bigass robot that says anti-Communist cliches and gets nuked (ZOMFG SPOILER ALERT!!!!11One!! etc.) Scribe (read: pencil pusher) Yearling has a learning fetish, and if you bring her books that are in perfect condition (all 3 of 'em), she will suck your cock and you will get to have an orgy with her sex slaves in "Power Armor".

Fawkes: The ultimate reward for choosing to go the good karma rout of the game. Standing well over 7 feet tall and, with broken steel installed, having an HP count of 15,000! Picking him up will pretty much break the game as he is stronger than Fucking everything. Being the company filled with fair and balanced business men concerned with you overall gameplay experience Bethesda Studio is you would think that they would even the payload by giving Fawkes a shit weapon... Nope they give him a FUCKING GATLING LASER, so pretty much how every battle goes with him as your follower is you run into a group of raiders, you *plink* one with your tiny 10 mm pistol, and then Fawkes yells some shit, pulls out his Gatling laser and kills every one of them not letting you gain any experience. Combine with Dogmeat for maximum game break.

DLC

Bethesda, deciding that they could suck even more money out of the retarded kids who play their shitty games, has released five content packs for Fallout 3. Each one is nothing more than a few more items, achievements, and bugs.

Operation Anchorage

The first Fallout 3 downloadable content pack takes place in a virtual reality military simulation in the main game where the player character is stripped of their equipment and is forced to use the replacements provided. Based in Alaska, you are a military grunt set with the task of liberating Alaska from its Chink invaders with your fellow soldiers who are all fucking stupid and cannot kill a thing on their own. This DLC isn't worth ten dollars, so don't buy it. It is boring and short, requiring you only to shoot and blow up stuff. The only good thing about this is afterwards you get an indestructible and fucking awesome suit of armor, and another suit that is basically invisible when you squat. However, this armor was stolen from Metal Gear Solid 4. Sony is writing a lawsuit as you read this.

The Pitt

Literally the worst program ever made, there were so many bugs in this that it was taken off the Xbox Live marketplace to be re-released. Once it was playable, all that there was to offer was more 'moral' choices (~~if you call picking between two dicks a moral choice~~ it's called grey morality, retard) and the new area of Pittsburgh itself, now a huge black person complex. Not recommended for purchase, though it isn't as bad as Anchorage, as you can return any time you want and unlock more crappy retextured items.

Broken Steel

Created after the developers realised they fucked up the original game's ending when they had three radiation-immune characters who SHOULD have gone in your place. Also, the fans were BAAAAWING that they were too fucking stupid to read that the game has a definite end. They needed a plot device to continue the story so they decided that exposure to radiation just puts you to sleep for two weeks. Extends level cap to 30, breaking the game's difficulty into tiny pieces and adds new main and side quests to the main game. Sadly, they are all about shooting people with guns with the good guys, therefore screwing people who like having decent stories.

Point Lookout

You take a boat ride to Hickville, Maryland. The boatman, Tobar, is revealed to have a brain fetish (not an ED joke, but fact), and takes a chunk of your brain out. The DLC itself is surprisingly decent. If you're looking to buy one of the DLCs, this is the only one that will give you more than five hours of gameplay, plus you get to shoot hillbillies with a double-barrel shotgun while wearing a confederate hat, and completely trip balls after taking drugs. This is one of the lulziest moments in gaming history because you get to see the corpse of your dead mother and a message saying, "If I had a baby that ugly, I'd abandon it too!" Also, the northern hillbillies have developed southern accents because Bethesda could not find a real hillbilly in the north. (They obviously never looked in upstate New York or Southern New Jersey.) Sounds cool, right? Well get ready to be disappointed, motherfucker, because it's still a piece of shit.

Yeah, blowing an inbred mutant hillbilly's head off with a double barreled shotgun does sound awesome doesn't it? Well, good luck hitting him. That double barreled shotgun is a glitchy piece of shit that can't hit anything further than ten feet away or closer than six inches. Unless you're positioned just right, you're guaranteed to miss. However, it does have some kind of magical property to it that somehow causes it to become extremely accurate and deadly as soon as an enemy gets their hands on it. They can knock off a third of your health from another fucking county with that shit. So be prepared to spend a lot of your time in Point Lookout getting raped in the ass even on a low difficulty setting. Oh, and assuming you somehow managed to get enough of them to repair one to full condition, it'll still start to jam after just fifty shots. Chances are you won't even bother with it since the terrible shotgun's much more accurate, does much more damage, and is much more durable.

You'd also better enjoy the section where you're tripping balls, because you're going to spend a lot of time on it. This particular part which is part of the main quest is nearly impossible to complete due to the 360 version being ridiculously unstable. If you're playing this shit on the 360, just about everything you do will crash the game on this part. Looking at something the wrong way will crash the game. Moving too fast will crash the game. Moving too slow will crash the game. Breathing on the controller will crash the game. Holding the controller the wrong way will crash the game. At this point, the best thing to do would be to smash your 360, charge in to Bethesda's headquarters, and go on a killing spree.

Mothership Zeta

Your Pip-Boy picks up a signal from a crashed recon craft. You arrive and get abducted for some aliens' anal experimentations. After the buttrape, you meet up with more prisoners of the loveship and form an uprising. Here, you meet quite an ensemble of other confused abductees, such as a possibly psychic and demonic little girl, an old timey astronaut who drops dead immediately, a cowboy who only wants to shoot aliens, a pussy medic who only serves as a healer and cryonade factory, and a samurai who speaks no Engrish. After going killzone on all the extraterrestrials, you can use their ship as your own personal shit-storing station. Too bad your space house doesn't have a fucking bed and 70% of the ship is rendered unexplorable. The characters are all boring and exist only to be shot in the face and looted for unique armor. The weapons are as weak as a cripple's kicks. In fact, a revolver from the 1800s beats Alien shields made in 2277. Overall, a joke Bethesda played on Fallout 3 after consuming large quantities of alcohol.

Fallout: New Vegas

Boone, one of the companions in Jew Vegas. Wears this expression throughout the entire game, even when he's dead.

Fallout: Jew Vegas is essentially a Fallout 1 and 2 themed Fallout, developed by Obsidian Games. Many of the developers for Fallout 1 and 2 worked on New Vegas, and as such, is more like the first two games, and the lore isn't all fucked up like in Fallout 3. However, it does have moar bugs and a seriously broken difficulty curve. Unlike the other games, this one has nothing to do with vaults. You play as some shit delivery boy who's kidnapped by some douche bag named Benny (that guy, Chandler from Friends) because you were delivering a poker chip to an old dying guy who runs the New Vegas strip. This chip would allow him to pretty much take over the Mojave Desert, but you don't know that yet (except now you do, lulz). Chandler, with the help of some inbred tribal guys, boasts about what a dipshit you are for a few minutes, and then shoots you in the fucking face. You survive the shot (because he did not use VATS), though, because pretty much everyone in Fallout can usually take about 5-10 headshots before going down. Chandler, unaware that you're still alive, has his tribal lovers bury you, but then some robot named Victor digs you up, the actual game begins, and it all goes downhill from there. It's also interesting to note that with the right perk and being a female you can have hawt buttsecks with Chandler.

Fallout: Jew Vegas' story goes beyond your encounter with Chandler into a full-scale rape-fest between two douchebag factions known as the NCR and Caesar's Legion. You can join one of these factions, or secure Vegas' independence with the help of either a creepy robot or horny old man. Unlike Bethesda, Obsidian actually used their brains and made four possible endings, resulting in massive Bawwwing from jealous Fallout 3 fans.

The game plays like most Fallout games in that it starts off as complete bullshit, but becomes so easy towards the end that combat is just an annoying occurance that prevents you from wrapping up the story line and START PLAYING IT ALL OVER AGAIN!!! OMG WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF I FUCKED VICTOR IN THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL AT THE BEGINING OR SAID "NO" INSTEAD OF "YES"??. The first two main quests start you off fighting fairly easy enemies and then all of a sudden, you find yourself in some rocket facility with invisible super mutants raping your ass, knocking off a third of your health with each thrust while you desperately try to pick away at their health with your moans. Then almost as soon as you're done with that, it's back to walking north until you do something stupid like wander into a herd of Deathclaws, or a swarm of Cazadors which are retardedly overpowered and can inexplicably kill you by ramming into you and dealing over 9000 damage in less than three seconds, at which point you discover they were following you since before your last save, so you have to start over again.

Then there are GLITCHES. The game has become notorious for crashing every 15 minutes, chugging whenever NPCs are in sight, and characters getting stuck in the environment. There have been a couple of patches released so far, but they don't seem to do anything. It gets better, though. Quite a few of these glitches existed in Oblivion too, and on top of that, they had been fixed. The most notable and crippling one is the NPC framerate problem. Whenever NPCs with facial expressions such as ghouls and humans are on screen, the framerate drops significantly. This was a problem in Oblivion as well, and an unofficial fix exists that allows the players' GPUs to render the facial expressions instead. The fix was a simple DLL that Obsidian probably could have just included with the game.

Some argue that Obsidian improved upon Fallout 3 substantially, one of the most notable changes being voice acting. Now there are three voice actors for everyone instead of only the two Bethesda used in Oblivion and Fallout 3. The more unimportant characters have considerably less dialogue than in Fallout 3, so you'll often pass by a patrol of NCR soldiers muttering "Patrolling the Mojave Desert almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter" over and over again. It gets even more ridiculous when you come across murderous Powder Ganger members who scream "MURDERER" over and over again when you attack them, despite the fact that they're enjoying blowing the shit out of people with dynamite for the lulz. Plus, the radio stations make GNR look good. One's got a computer DJ with a speech impediment and another is run by some crazy guy who lives up in an old military radio post that got nuked. They both play the same five fucking songs over and over again till they make you want to do this number.

Oh, and in case you didn't realize, this game is superior to Fallout 3.

	“	Please assume the position.	„
	— Fisto on raping you with a pneumatic dildo. No, really.

Characters

This game has so many characters it's a miracle the disc doesn't explode and send every shard flying up your ass each time you load it up. Behold:

You: Shot in the MOTHERFUCKING HEAD and BURIED ALIVE DURING THE INTRO, just to remind you how much money you spent on a game that tells you that you're too gay to play it before you even have the chance to press a single button. Somehow, you survive just long enough to fuck up the world.

Benny: Prefers to be called Mathew Perry. Used to be a spear-chucking savage; now chucks bullets, like the one he puts in your fucking face at the start of the game.

Mr. House (Not to be confused with Dr. House): Undead cyborg with a neckbeard; confined to some variety of stasis chamber and tries to get you to fuck up the NCR and Caesar, but you're actually more likely to suck his 200-year-old robo-wang and help him rule the Mojave Desert in exchange for a swanky hotel room.

Arcade Gannon : A homosexual follower who is stuck in the past and wants you to gather up a bunch of old geezers who are washed up enclave soldiers to help the war effort.

Veronica : Another sexually confused follower who used to have an affair with a bald and mute chick. She tried to alleviate the brotherhood's status, but due to being the basement-dwellers they are, she fails.

Caesar: Old, misogynistic homo with a cross-dressing fetish, considering that he and his followers wear skirts. He keeps a gay doctor as his pet, has a brain tumor and will fucking die within a year, making this character pretty much useless. Raping his face with a shotgun has no effect on the game's story, even though he's basically the main bad guy.

Legate Lanius: Caesar's right-hand man. Will fuck your shit right up, unless you use that special move you learned from a crippled old nigger to knock him down and leave him defenseless while you unload over 9000 bullets into his face.

Cass: Alcoholic hillbilly bitch with no tits and a bad habit of killing the absolute fuck out of everyone and everything when given explosives.

Craig Boone: Shot his pregnant wife and doesn't afraid of anything.

Victor: Whacked-out robot stalker that thinks its a cowboy and follows you across the desert. Serves absolutely no purpose other than annoying the almighty fuck out of you.

Joshua Graham: Indestructible Mormon mummy who was set on fire and tossed into the Grand Canyon, but still managed to crawl his burnt ass out of that hole and cockslap a tribe of savages into being his bitches, spending his days in a cave at the back of their camp polishing their guns.

Vulpes Inculta: Skinny faggot who wears a dog on his head and wiped out an entire town like a boss.

Julie Farkas: Fugly, mohawk-sporting dyke; every second person to whom you speak seems to send you back to her for more regretful buttsexing.

Doctor Klein: HAND PENISES!

Raul Tejada: Emo Mexican zombie who constantly whines about being such an old bastard. Had a sister who was raped to death.

Ulysses: OLD WORLD OLD WORLD OLD WORLD OLD WORLD ROAD ROAD ROAD ROAD COURIER COURIER BEAR BULL BEAR BULL BEAR BULL BEAR BULL BEAR BULL HISTORY HISTORY HISTORY HISTORY HISTORY HISTORY HISTORY AMERICA FUCKING SLEEPS, NIGHTY NIGHT AMERICA!

The Factions

The Powder Gangers: Thugs who operate out of the local prison. At first, the idea of blowing up shit with dynamite, raping women, and taking drugs is awesome, but then you realize their terrible secret. STEAL THEIR TNT AND BLOW UP EVERYTHING.

Caesar's Legion: A bunch of middle-aged men who run around in Roman outfits and football padding, so it is no big surprise that they are the only faction that accepts open male homosexuality. Their women, however, enjoy few privileges, such as the ability to choose to go the kitchen willingly or die. Their normal day includes burning villages, going on raping sprees, and nailing anyone they hate on a cross for the lulz. Their quests also give you shitty rewards and make every other faction want to make you eat shit and die. It should also be noted that their leader is butthurt over a tumor in his head, which you can exploit to kill him with after you're done carrying out his commands.

NCR: Post-Apocalypse Republicans who consider themselves the real government of the wasteland and almost wish for a nuclear winter. The local battalion in the Mojave is led by a nigger diplomat, an Asian who has been given the crap job of keeping the local junkies at bay, a PMS ridden butch lesbian who wants you to royally fuck up everyone who calls the NCR mean names, and a lazy bum who, despite siting on his fat ass all day, has achived the rank of general by giving out free blowjobs to every senator in the NCR government. You can assassinate their president for great justice.

The Boomers: Paranoid psychos led by an old woman called Pearl who like to blow stuff up with their explosives. If the Player gets enough shit done for the Boomers, they gain their help and fly a fucking bomber that royally shits on all who oppose you.

The Brotherhood of Steel: Formerly awesome motherfuckers who took high-grade energy weapons away from the uneducated masses of the post-Apocalypse and had cool suits of armor, they have been relegated to basement-dweller status because they lost a war to the NCR, who were using 5.56's, weren't trained from birth to fight, and were using fabric uniforms. Years after said war ended, they are still stuck in their basement and only an outsider who has nothing to do with them can get them out of their bender

The Kings: A bunch of Elvis wannabes who are even weaker than the Powder Gangers. The only reason you'll ever do any of their quests is so you can acquire a metal dog so you can have it lick peanut butter off your dick.

DLC

Dead Money

You get roofied by a Super Mutant, ass-raped by his second personality, and then get an explosive collar locked on your neck and are forced to be an old fuck's bitch. He makes you run through a depressing villa avoiding gases and annoying-as-hell radios and speakers. First, you have to meet up with the Super Mutant named Dog and listen to his constant complaining.

Later, you meet up with a British ghoul who has a stashing fetish. He was apparently formerly a singer, but got trapped in the villa because nobody liked his ~~cockney~~ uppity, rich accent. He tries to kill you later, unless you give him tea and crumpets.

You also meet up with a bald, fugly bitch named Christine in a cylinder who was stabbed multiple times in the face and then run over by an 18-wheeler. She lost her voice after swallowing too much semen.

So you get these bitches together to try to find the Sierra Madre Vault that contains a shit-load of M0N1ES!!!1 Then, you realize that you're too fucking weak to carry the treasure, leave the old guy that enslaved you in the vault to fry, and GTFO. Since you were too fucking weak to carry the treasure, you just wasted about three hours of game time! WAY TO GO, FUCKNUT!

Honest Hearts

You follow a bunch of caravaneers into the Grand Canyon, where you and your friends are assraped by a bunch of Indians. They kill everybody but you, as you are lucky enough to be spared since they knew that fighting your wimpy ass wouldn't be a challenge. You are sent to a ~~Mormon missionary~~ mummy who was set on fire and thrown into the Grand Canyon by Caesar, and survived (Yep, even after the world ends, fucking Mormons still come knocking). He forces you to do a bunch of shit nobody cares about and run into a bunch of BIG ASS MOTHERFUCKING MUTATED FACE-RAPING ZOMBIE STEROID MURDERBEARS and more illiterate Indians who make you want to turn the game volume off.

Eventually, you get a choice of how to help the Indians: fight the tribals or be a fucking pussy. Of course, you choose to fight through hard-ass tribals that somehow got their hands on advanced military weapons. You kill a shit-faced tribal leader who gets captured by the mummy in a matter of seconds, and kill him or spare him. Then an ending begins, telling you every single fucking detail about the aftermath of your decisions. Whoopity-fucking-do.

Old World Blues

Probably the best of the FNV DLC so far (not saying much). Upon finding a crashed satellite in the middle of the desert, you get beamed off to a massive crater called the Big Empty. Here, you'll meet some scientists who have their brains stuck in jars and can do nothing but float around and browse /b/. One will even cyber with you, while another mistakes your fingers and toes for penises. Another brain, Dr. Mobius, steals your internal organs for no apparent reason, and you are required to retrieve a long, erect antenna, a special suit, and a thing that emits loud noises.

It turns out Mobius has tricked the other brains into thinking that there is nothing beyond the crater, so that they won't terrorize the wasteland with their experiments. This is evidently unnecessary, as the brains, after leaving the comfort of their underground lab, would be raped in every possible way by the combination of raiders, NCR, Legion and, of course, THOSE FUCKING FLIES, and thus would not last ten seconds. You can attempt to coax your brain to return to you but, like everyone else, it hates you, and you're better off with the perk you got from having tesla coils put into your head, so why would you do that? After convincing the other brains to be less batshit insane, you're free to run around the Big Empty, collecting items and completing bland quests. You know, what you did all the time in the vanilla game without paying ten dollars for DLC?

Lonesome Road

Some pissed off nigger contacts you to tell you why he pussied out when delivering the Platinum Chip. But there's a catch: he wants you to go to the earthquake and tornado ridden Divide for one last mission down the Lonesome Road. Somehow all of humanity rests on your shoulders for an unspecified reason in this one mission. Turns out, he wants to fire a nuclear weapon because you delivered a package that you had no clue what was inside, but apparently detonated dormant nuclear warheads. Said nigger tries to kill you and is at nigh-God levels of health. ' Courier's Stash

Gives you the items from the pre-order bonus packs for two dollars. Pointless, as they were identical to items already existing in the vanilla game.

Gun Runner's Arsenal

As you can see, Bethesda learned their lesson about not charging real money for tiny content packs after Oblivion. Basically, more guns. Whee.

Fallout: Shadow of Boston

Fallout: Shadow of Boston, AKA The Sims: S.T.A.L.K.E.R., is the highly-anticipated sequel to Fallout 3. It is scheduled for release on November 10th, 2015 and it has already generated more than enough drama to warrant its very own article.

Fallout: The Movie

Last Thursday, Fallout: The Movie (AKA The Book of Eli) was ~~released to~~ dumped upon the public. This movie will probably be the greatest thing since Raptor jesus because all movies that have been based on games have been the best thing evar. It's a 2012 (srsly) movie about an old black person that was apparently too goddamn stupid to figure out that walking west is the best way to go west. Instead, it took 30 years of wandering the desert for him to reach Nevada or something and find a hooker with a truck to take him to prison. Eli, the titular nigger, hauls an old Bible around with him, because trudging through a near-lifeless wasteland your whole life with an 8-pound book is obviously so much more important than carrying an equivalent weight of food and water. Being a nigger, Eli is shown robbing dead people, breaking into houses and generally taking shit what don't belong to him, yet he reads his magic book every day and says says he's on a mission from God, despite the fact that he kills more people in 20 minutes than your average basement-dweller faps in an entire lifetime (all 27 years of their Cheeto-munching, Ramen-slurping, hentai-watching miserable existence) and likes to watch white wimminz getting raped. Apparently, Eli is also blind, which would explain why it took him so fucking long to reach the west coast if he were white. This twist fucks the whole movie in the ass so hard even YOU won't be able to sit for a week. Fortunately, the movie has a happy ending: Eli dies in prison. Because he's black.

However, since this movie is obviously completely original, it has several key differences:

Too many shitload characters
Only two color schemes were used: Brown and light brown (clearly not the same as Fallout's brown, light brown and gray)
Overt religious themes (as opposed to Oblivion With Guns's more subtle ones. See? Totally different.)
Really, really fucking bad music
Kindly old couple who are actually murderous cannibals (Andale, anyone?)