Marriage

Marriage is an IRL meme designed by Christfags to ruin your life. You get nailed to an annoying whiney bitch or emo fag for the rest of your life unless you're smart and in it for the money.

File:The wedding crashers.jpg

How most marriage ends, more or less.

History of Marriage

For unknown reasons, some people remain unmarried.

Marriage was created at least 100 years ago by a king who wanted some land, but lacked the balls or ability to go out and conquer some. So instead he would marry off his son/daughter to some other ruler so that the new land would technically belong to both of them. Some people would disagree and say that marriage was and is meant as an expression of true love, but those people are usually virgins who have never gotten any, much less been married.

That being said, the purpose of marriage hasn't changed much over the centuries, but the practice has. A woman will often see a man with a nice house or a nice car and will attempt to trick the man into "loving" her. This ensures that the lazy bitch will own half of the man's property even though she didn't work for it. That wouldn't be so bad for the man (he does get constant pussy) if the woman actually did something instead of sitting on her ass at home all day. If the man tries to put the woman in her place, she will immediately divorce him and take half of his hard earned shit.

TL;DR Marriage was created as a way to get new shit, and it is still used for this purpose today.

What marriage actually changes in people's lives

~~Sharing~~ Losing your wealth ~~with~~ to your partner after divorce
Being recognized by governments during international travels, thus making getting visas for your partner is easier.
You can sue your partner for profit if you can prove being cheated on.

Theoretical Truth About Marriage

The necessity of marriage comes from distrust. Here are some facts.

If you trusted your partner you would not need the protection from the government so that one can sue the other after breakup.
You actually do not need a recognition of your relationship by some authority.

Female behavior after marriage

Get fat
Quit ~~job~~ everything
Stay home all day and pretend to take care of kids.
Tell everybody how hard being a mom is.
Take the kid to parties to meet other guys and tell your husband you were taking the kid outside.
Get fat
Tell your husband you got fat because of the pregnancy, make child making look like his decision only
Get fat
Cheat on your husband with somebody who tells you you are not fat.

The Program

Sooner or later, your wife will place you on The Program. It may be as soon as your first day of marriage, or even as soon as you are engaged, or just move in. Or she may be happily married for years, and only place you on The Program when she gets hungry for new cock.

Regardless, you will be put on The Program. Eventually.

The Program has four phases.

Phase 1 - you have no friends

Your woman will isolate you socially. Men who permit their wives to organise their social calendar are setting themselves up for this. Within a short space of time, the only peple you will see outside work will be her friends, her family. People who you don't like, dont want to spend time with, and have her interests closer to heart than yours. The warning sign is when she begins to schedule things that conflict with your regular nights with the boys, or your hobbies, and turns on the waterworks when you won't cancel. Or when she simply starts bitching incessantly about those losers you hang out with. She will be especially keen to isolate you from single guys. The married guys are well under the thumb and not as much of a problem.

Phase 2 - you have no money

You woman will take extraordinary amounts of care and attention to see to it that you never, ever have any spare cash. If you put $20 in the car ashtray, she will find it and spend it. She will make certain to spend more than you make, to keep you continuously in debt.

The warning sign is when you tell her that you are getting a wad of extra cash from somewhere, and the first expression on her face is worry. She is thinking "Shit: I have got to find a way to spend that." Priority 1 is that you not be allowed to keep that money, no matter how much or how little.

Why? Because a man with $100 in his pocket is a man with options. He can go out, he can rent a shitty hotel room for a night. A man with no money can only either be at work or at home. And home is where your woman wants you. Why? For stage 3.

Phase 3 - you get no rest

With you safely at home, your woman will see to it that you never, ever relax. She will give you a continuous dribble of annoying, time-consuming little jobs and check up on you to make sure you do them. Possibly around the home, or maybe car trips and shopping. But you will never, ever get a moment to yourself. If she catches you sitting in a chair, just chilling for 30 seconds, then it's bitch time.

Final Phase - you get no sleep

The final phase is straight out of the CIA torture handbook. Sleep deprivation. To set this up, your woman must be better rested than you. To accomplish this she will quit her job so that she can sleep all day. She will plead housework, but housework takes half an hour a day. As soon as you are out the door, she will head back to bed and sleep till midday.

Then she will see to it that you never get a full night's rest. She will fight until 3am. She will nag. She will nag. She will shake you awake out of your deep sleep phase and scream at you while you are disoriented. She will fake jealousy - wake you and say "You had a hard-on, who were you dreaming about?", and start crying. Maybe she will sex you until dawn. Sounds great, but if you refuse and plead tiredness, then the crying and the blaming and the fighting starts. After a while, you won't be able to get it up, and she will nag and humiliate you about that.

Rule #1 that you will live by is: if she is awake, you are not allowed to be asleep. Bad enough trying to sleep on someone else's schedule, but remember: she gets a solid 9 hours while you are at work because you were dumb enough to agree to support her as a SAHM. You will get 4, 5 hours max. You will be a zombie all day. Maybe you can sleep somewhere else? Ha - go back and reread Phases 1 and 2. The only place in the world you are permitted to be that isn't work is home, and at home - she is there, ready to give you 9000 little jobs to do (that she didn't do while you were earning a fucking living for her to spend), ready to start screaming at you if you don't do them.

She will win. After two, three, four, sweet Jesus five or six days of this, you will agree to anything, anything at all, if you can just get some fucking sleep.

The Goal

See those pussywhipped guys? The henpecked ones? The ones that don't dare put a toe out of line, the "yes, dear" guys? Why do they do it? Why are they such wusses? Because they know that if they so much as have the wrong expression on their face, then it will fucking start, and it will go on for days and days until they wished they were dead.

The Program works. It always works. They use it at camp X-ray, they use it in hellholes they won't even admit that they run. They do it to terrorists, to spies, to political enemies. And women use it on the men they are married to. It breaks men reliably. Stronger men than you have been reduced to shells by it.

The first sign, the very first motherfucking sign - DTB. Oh yes, you will be reamed in divorce court, but the reaming will be worse the longer you leave it. Get out. Get out now.

Steps in Trailer Park Courtship and Marriage

Why going to prison is no different from being married.

Man meets a slut on the street
Woman notices that man has money, so she woos the pathetic man.
Man bangs up woman, who then sleeps with another guy who doesn't suffer from impotence. She then gets pregnant.
Man feels guilty, so gets engaged so he can help raise the child. He wears a ring for the ball and chain to be attached to.
Man gets shackled to his new ball 'n' chain in a ceremony known as marriage.
Women saps mans wealth, youth, and joy for her own.
Man finds out his bitch was cheating on him, so he pwns her, generating many lulz - but she was asking for it. He goes to prison and gets raped by Bubba.
?????
PROFIT!

Steps in Geek Courtship and Marriage

The correct attire for the bride at a wedding.

Faggots can't get married.

Basement-dweller meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fangirl in #buffy IRC channel
Basement-dweller is awestruck by Fangirl's eloquent and heart-wrenching fanfiction
He sends her anonymous virtual roses from the LiveJournal gift shop
Fangirl gushes effusively to her friends list about her exciting virtual flowers, and wonders, at length and visibly, who they are from
Basement-dweller finally drops a subtle hint in his own LiveJournal
They take it to MSN and he asks for pictures plz and she sends pictures infected with internet disease
They announce they are in love to their respective friends lists
An online wedding is planned. The fact that he is a 13-year-old boy and she is an 80 year old Chinese man in panties seems entirely irrelevant.
mmmmmmmmmmm http://mismarriage.ytmnd.com/
?????
PROFIT!

Maintaining a happy marriage

Keeping your wife happy

Lie. Lie, lie and lie again. Trust us, she's worrying too much about herself to worry about you.

Keeping your husband happy

NEVER let your husband get his every last sexual whim. Save a few for when he's pissed off. Did you fuck up the bank account again with a week until payday? Time to let him have that anal sex he's been asking about for ten years. Buck it up and take it for the team and you'll find he'll cut you slack.

How To Beat Your Wife

If your wife gets too uppity, beating her is a completely appropriate way to keep her in line. The Saudis explain the proper way to do this:

How to Beat Your Man

(Anyway you please, he can't fight back)

It is generally accepted in egalitarian Western society that if a psychotic sadistic bitch-harpy sees fit to smack, stab, shoot, or pull any other BDSM shit her husband, she obviously had a damn good reason for it. Remember: If it's a woman striking a man, it's not sexism - it's empowerment!

Staged experiment, real reaction.

Exit Plan

In every young man's life, he’ll wake to find himself with his girlfriend acting in a very 16-year-old-girl way. Vaguely through the worst hangover of his life, the sketchy memory of asking his girlfriend to marry him in some drunken mad plan to get a sex is dragged screaming to the forefront of his mind.

There are many elaborate plans to get out of this situation such as suicide for example; however a simple fast and painless way to exit is to upload those romantic movies you made together to yuvutu. Then over a romantic celebratory dinner explain that now you have the deepest love for each other, you have decided to share that love with the whole world making it a better place for your first wife to live.

Ways to GTFO of a Marriage

File:Happily Married.jpg

Bawwwww

Typical marriage.

Divorce
Go out to buy cigarettes and never return
Kill the bitch
Kill the bitch and her family
Be like Kevin Federline
An hero
File for divorce, kill her and her family, but forge document to make it look like they were secretly in a cult that made them kill themselves

Celebrities and Marriage

It has been seen countless times in the media. Whenever a famous actor is accused of being gay, he quickly reacts and finds the most whorish woman to marry. Quickly, they "consummate" their marriage, usually out of the country. When they come back, the allegations disappear! Score!

Tom Cruise is a major offender of this.

Gay Marriage

Gay marriage leads to gay divorce.

Why Gay marriage should be illegal.

For more information on the above, see rule 34.