eTD

Electronically Transmitted Diseases (or eTDs), are a group of physical and psychological ailments that have been identified as being spread through use of internets. This wide range of illnesses has been present for over 30 years, but has recently reached pandemic proportions. Not all eTDs pose serious threats to public health and hygiene, but some can be quite devastating. It is expected that, within the next 5 years, everyone on the planet will have an eTD, or will personally know someone who does. Internet Disease is the most widely know example of an eTD.

How eTDs are Transmitted

Warning! Unprotected contact with internet tubes may be hazardous to your health.

Pac-Man Fever

The first illness to be classified as an eTD was Pac-Man Fever. This malady was quickly transmitted through groups of people as they came in close proximity to each other while lined up at arcades of ill repute. A later strain of the disease was actually propagated using radio airwaves as Ted Nugent's arcade anthem of the same name was forced upon the general public. Symptoms commonly included: a slight limp caused by carrying $25.00 in quarters in a single pocket, increased reports of ghost sightings, complete loss of control in one hand, and an overwhelming urge to eat everything in sight. Pac-Man Fever was not a chronic condition, it could be easily managed by a dose of Dragon's Lair.

Himpes

Himpes is a mutated strain of Herpes and is spread when an internet user becomes ensnared in an internets trap. There is no cure for Himpes, it is 4evar. This strain is not widespread due to the severely limited sexual activity of most netizens. If you contract this disease, the only treatment available is courtesy of Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

Persistent Argumentative State

This disease arises from constant flaming, edit-warring, and forum participation. This habit of disputing every minor detail will then slowly spread to IRL. PAS is considered a gateway disease because symptoms of other eTDs will go unnoticed due to the fact that noone in the real world is willing to associate with you. Physical symptoms include a marked increase in scrapes, cuts and bruises resultant from constant IRL ass-kickings. Diarhhea of the mouth occurs in typical cases, and often requires the victim to have someone rip them a new asshole in order to alleviate the extreme pressures caused by being completely full of shit. A current hot spot for this condition is wikipedia. The only way to stop the occurrence of PAS is to quarantine the entire wikipedian community and apply a Hades Bomb directly to the source. Common STFU treatments fail to cure this disease and often times will only encourage the victim to bury their head in the sand and begin talking out of their ass. If you come into contact with someone in this condition you should 'pull the plug' as quickly as possible.

Wiki Break with Reality

This psychological condition occurs when someone commits every waking hour to spreading vast amounts of misinformation via wikipedia. The victim is unable to determine fact from fiction. Victims are also found to commit acts of Idol Worship. This condition is technically an "umbrella syndrome," as it is the result of multiple diseases. Dyslexia, Brackets, Dangling Participle, Autism, Conjunctionitis and drama dependency all are factors that contribute to the overall condition. People suffering from this disease are very difficult to treat as they require that you produce supporting citations for everything that you say. Original research has show that the only effective way to bring someone back from wikiworld is to perform a Complete Personality Transplant. CPTs are potentially fatal so it is a win-win situation.

Dangling Participle can be effectively treated with an application of Prepostion-H, which will reduce the swollen run-on sentences employed by the victim in an effort to appear credible.

Multiple Personality Disorder

A person who constantly employs sockpuppets will eventually be unable to distinguish actual discussion from the conversations he has with himself. This disease can actually be beneficial to the general public as victims are quite content to stay in seclusion and entertain themselves, thereby sparing others from their invariably occurring PAS. Sock Puppet Bi-polarism occurs when two of the puppets become so entrenched in their pitching/catching roles that the victim no longer knows, or cares, what their intentions are. Severe physical harm is possible when an MPD interacts with the public, as they are so used to a strength-in-numbers mentality that they forget they have no back-up. Real world people are not intimidated by your avatar's fangs, scars and laser-eyes.

The Game

Users of teh internets may become players of The Game. You should probably look that up now, because not only are you now playing The Game (as of at least 100 years ago), but you have just lost The Game.

Common Symptoms

Some general symptoms are indicative of many different types of eTDs. They go largely unnoticed as society has completely shunned the carriers of such diseases.

The list of indicators include:

• Extreme paleness of skin. This is often accompanied by a transparent personality.
• Permanent ocular glaze.
• No longer their speech coherent is.
• Fingers have been worn down to the first knuckle.
• The constant use of back doors.
• Frequently trying to start conversations with house plants.

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ETD is part of a series on Body and Health

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ETD is part of a series on Psychology