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Final Fantasy XIII
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This article does not need any more minor character info, not at all. You can help by not adding anything, especially not minor character info. |
Square-Enix, being the brilliant developers that they are, came out with an innovative new battle system that consists entirely of repeatedly mashing X. Much like rush mode in other games, the AutoBattle command will stock abilities that are super effective against the generic palatte swap enemy you happen to be grinding, No thinking required. Much to the dismay of PS3 fanboys Square-Enix announced that Final Fantasy XIII would no longer be a PS3 exclusive and would released on the 360 due to the fact that The PSTriple has no gaems, The 360 version includes 3 discs primary due to the limits of Microsoft tech. Drama ensued after the revelation that there are no towns, and that the over world map consists entirely of a series of tubes. Code word Linear, A myriad of threads had emerged bashing the games for areas that were complete shit with shiny graphics along with the standard n00b topics of which console had the better version. SE also had the brilliant idea that transformation sequences are balls to the wall awesome, so all the summons now have gestalt mode. The game doesn't even let you pick your party until about 20 hours in, fully heals you after each battle, has no mp, and lets you revive after any failed battle; FFXIII assumes you are a complete retard and if you bought this game you probably are. In all honesty this 'game' is easily the worst in the Final Fantasy series to date and is equally as dissapoint as Bioshock 2.
Story
The story is a war of two worlds, Cocoon a gleaming utopia built by fal'Cie and Pulse the hellish lower world which is pretty much New Zealand. Hokay so here's the Earth once upon a time everyone lived on New Zealand and shit sucked so the fal'Cie created a magic happy land in the sky, sound familiar, but only certain people got to live in paradise. Well Pulse was fuckin' pissed so they waged war the only way Azns know how, by turning into a giant monster. The fal'Cie have the power to steal men's souls, and make them their slaves! The slave is hereby referred to as l'Cie and is given a focus, if it is completed the slave will petrify into crystal if not the slave will turn into a zombie abomination. Our main bro Snow is on a chase from Chris Hansen after he asked his 14 year old girlfriend to marry him. Being the genius he is, Snow puts Serah on a 500 foot high ledge which just happened to belong to a fal'Cie. Our heroes valiantly attempt to rescue Serah by killing all military personnel in their way. They end up getting cursed by fal'Cie, Oh and also Serah dies but no one cares about that. The space pope reveals that he is fal'Cie and wants to destroy the world for no adequately explored reason. So after the typical rpg final boss rant, "come on guise this thing doesn't have a right to exist!" "Lol, that's just what I said at my last abortion" our righteous heroes manage to break the final boss's immortality with their special move and save the world. But without the fal'Cie Cocoon fell out of the sky. The two lesbians from Pulse activated their wonder twin powers and transform into a giant tentacle monster and manage to freeze the world to the sky and save the day. Aren't you glad you read all that? It's from Japan. What did you expect?
Main Characters
The technical leader and head bitch in charge, an ex-commando who wants revenge because her sister died. She is a strong independent woman who is afraid to show off her softer side. Light is loose cannon who doesn't play by the rules, she does what she wants, how she wants, and who she wants. She uses the alias Lightning to sound edgy and mysterious but the bad guys have a secret weapon, Powerword: Claire (And in japan Eclair... cuz that's a legitimate name) She wields a fancy new weapon that is a blade that fires bullets as well as elite advanced technology that allows her to defy gravity. When Hope tells her he plans to kill Snow she gives him a knife. Lightning doesn't need any friends cause they will only slow her down.
- Odin
- A white knight that attacks enemies with his mighty lance. He transforms into a horse and Lighting mounts him for a fierce assault. He is similar to Ixion from FFX, and shares the same lighting attribute... oh he is a lighting type cause her name is Lightning, hahaha that's funnay guise. Lighting summons him when she tells Hope to Fuck off and she doesn't want to babysit him anymore.
The first nigra to appear in the series (uh Barett) due to affirmative blacktion. Seeing as how there are no black people in Japan, he is a compilation of what Azns assume black people are like, the creator admitted to basing him off Lionel Ritchie. Sazh is the comic relief party member as he has a chocobo that lives in his fro and is supa kawaii. Sazh is the only person to understand that guns>swords. He goes to an amusement park with Vanille while everyone else is trying to save the world. After leaving the petting zoo, Sazh learns that Vanille is the reason the government confiscated and ate his son. He considers shooting her but pussies out saying, "lot of things can be excused, shooting kids ain't one."
- Brynhildr
- A contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race, he/she/we is a flaming queen complete with high heels and crown. It carries a giant executioner's axe, It's the new black, Sazh is the old black. It transforms into a drop top car so that the not racist nigra can perform drive byes. The trap appeared before Sazh after Vanille accidentally his son. Sazh was going to shoot her, but he learned from OJ that killing a white woman wouldn't end well, for her at least.
A Seifer wannabe, he started his own militia but that doesn't matter as they aren't seen after the tutorial. He is nicknamed Mr. 12cm (that's 4in for the murkans) by the crew. Snow is engaged to Lightning's little sister and frequently calls Lightening his sis. Lightning is not amused with Snow's faggotry and proceeds to assault him in the face. Snow frequently raises his fist in the air and punches his palm which means it's go time. Snow serves no purpose other than to take off his shirt.
- Shiva Sisters
- Double your pleasure double your fun. Since Shiva is an extremely overused summon, there is now 200% moar Shiva for your enjoyment. Many believe that their names are Nix and Stiria, but that is incorrect as women do not have names. Shiva came to Snow when the military confiscated Serah's body for scientific testing, but Snow wasn't done with it yet. The sisters transform into a motorcycle that rides on ice beams.
The typical anime airhead that always overreacts with weird gestures, her weapon is a fishing rod and she believes all of life's problems can be solved with friendship and the power of positive thinking. She and Fang have spent hundreds of years in frozen carbonite after completing their primary objective, and they somehow ended up on Cocoon for no apparent reason. She is also the narrator which is very unfortunate as you have to hear her speak lots and lots, she has a very hard time maintaining an Australian accent and somehow mixes it up with a touch of southern gentlemen. Vanille decides it would be a good idea to follow a black man alone into the woods. Somehow she ends up not getting raped and goes to an amusement park with her new black friend while everyone else is off trying to save the world.
- Hecatoncheir
- A monster whose name is unpronounceable, Vanille only says the first half and gives up. It has over 9000 arms that he can shoot into the ground for a surprise attack. He transforms into a double barrel Gatling gun that attacks with lazers and missiles. His special attack is a nuclear explosion that gives Vanille an orgasm. Vanille summons him when Fang learns the truth behind the attack on Cocoon hundreds of years ago.
Fang is one hardcore lesbian and will fuck your shit up. She apologizes to Lighting for ruining her sister, then says that she doesn't feel any better. Lighting raeges that Fang only apologized to relieve guilt and doesn't actually care, which is the only reason anyone apologizes ever, so she punches Fang and says that didn't make her feel any better, for the lulz. Fang was originally developed to be a man but the developers decided that hot lesbians would sell better. She works with the military because Cid Raines is a l'Cie sympathizer. She doesn't really care about anyone except, she'd "tear down the sky to save Vanille". The final boss repeatedly kills fang and revives her to piss off Vanille
- Bahamut
- Every Final Fantasy gets a free Bahamut!!!1!11! Another summon obligated to please the fans which is ironic since SE doesn't seem to care about their fans(see rest of article). A kickass dragon whose attacks cause a lot of lensflare and inverted colors. Its special attack is a giant lazer that creates a massive explosion. He transforms into some kind of hover scooter and comes to Fang when she decides that she really doesn't care if the world dies in a nuclear explosion as long as she doesn't die with it.
A 13-15 year old boy whose clothes and personality suggest he is an avid crunkcore fan. His mom volunteers to be in Snow's militia but Snow tells her to gb2 kitchen. She saves his ass with a rocket launcher only to die seconds later (Bitches don't know bout phoenix down). Since Hope's mom volunteered and since Snow is the leader of Team NORA (a japanizu reference to a stray: the English version just gets the acronym No Obligations, Rules, or Authority), it's his fault the bitch didn't duck and cover. Also Hope's mom is named Nora (OMG Irony). Hope descends into the darkness that is Cloudsyndrome and decides to murder Snow for great justice. He of course fails and decides that Snow is an pretty cool guy.
- Alexander
- Alexander is a standard non-elemental golem. Like Hope he is generally considered useless and transforms into a castle that fires lazer cannons which may sound cool, but doesn't deal very much damage. Hope is the only character whose summon does not change into a vehicle so it will be useless in the soon to be announced Final Fantasy Kart: Versus Grand Prix. Hope first awakens Alexander when he realizes that he is useless and only holding everyone back and that there is no hope(bad pun used a lot in game) and all is lost.
An elderly gentleman who is the Primarch, which is really just a fancy word for space pope. He is perhaps the lamest final boss in all of final fantasy as he is a steaming pile of plot hole and has no personality. His job is to protect Cocoon, but he wants the l'Cie to destroy it because he isn't allowed to harm people, even though he killed all his own henchmen. He wants to asplode the world to cause the rapture and bring back the one true lord and make a perfect new world. He wants Lighting to jihad Coccon and yet he still attempts to murder her numerous times. He is teh ultimate bad guy mainly because the heroes couldn’t find anyone better. When the final boss of a game is suicidal and has been so for the past 20 hours, you really have to wonder whats the fucking point.
Barthandelus has also been know to declare code white.
Any other characters are not important enough to warrant their own section. Mostly because they only have 5 minutes of screen time and this game has no plot. See graph for details.
Game Mechanics
Game play consists of running through a series of tubes until you find X. Don’t be fooled however, as X can only be:
- A short cutscene where everyone talks about their feelings
- A needless uninspired boss fight that leads to the next area where you
- The only button you press in the whole entire game
Rinse and repeat for about 25 hours until you get to the wide open spaces where you have generic kill the enemy quests, or you quit playing this trash and do something better, highly unlikely.
Why this game is particularly special.
Square decided to troll the fuck out of their fans by removing a great deal of attributes that previously seemed to be a requirement for a successful RPG, such as role-playing, towns to explore, and NPCs to talk to. No backtracking allowed(why would anyone want to), and no MP so the game isn't too hard for the dedicated fans. Aside from not being able to escape battles SE also thought save points are still a good idea, despite the fact that dying causes no penalty whatsoever. Exp comes in the form of item drops which upgrade weapons, although the game can easily be beaten with level 1 equipment making this unnecessary and useless. Newly added is a ranking system that gives you a star rating out of 5 for how fast you kicked ass, the rating doesn't increase exp or rare items drops and is only really there for achievement/trophy whores.
Paradigm System
It's a grid where the player activates nodes to learn abilities and increase attributes... wait this sounds kinda familiar. The class system has been removed for a more user friendly version in which any player can do anything whatsoever but only in theory. In reality each character will only be decent at 2 of their 3 default jobs as the others are watered down with no useful abilities and spend an absurd amount of time earning exp called Crystal Points yes rly(when out of exp the game states "you have no CP", although we all know that isn't true). On top of this the characters can't even use their non default classes until right before the final boss at which point there is no reason to know said spells in the first place. SE encourages players to be creative and experiment with different class combos although 99.9% of the time you will be using warrior/mage/healer. The only time to really use different classes is to have a sentinel guard while you spam death, Innovation!11!!!1
TL;DR: Instead of Healers casting support skills there are now two separate classes just for casting status spells.
Gil and Shops
One common complaint about the game is that there are no towns to actually explore. Another crime against RPG standards is the inability to grind against monsters for MAX MONIES, since they are just as broke as your rag-tag team. The fanboy explanation for this is that your party consists of fugitives, meaning it wouldn't make sense to have them walk around town in search of shops. This explanation, however, does not explain why the hell your fugitive party can just buy the fucking items over the phone internet in seconds without having the authorities trace said purchases back to them. Either the bad guys are too fucking stupid to check sales logs and IPs, or each of these conveniently placed network-port-a-shops-for-runaway-slaves use proxies. DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS! It explains why it isn't tracked in the game itself.
Theme song
Square-enix is proud to announce that the theme song is a power ballad called "My Hands" by Leona Lewis, that chick that sang Bleeding Love. Even though it sucks compared to the original theme song.
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Warning! This song will cause irreversible faggotry. |
Sequel
Despite bankrupting thousands of weeaboos with the first game, Square Enix was nowhere near done. The imaginatively named Final Fantasy XIII-2 came out last Thursday. It boosts such improved features as the ability to return to tubes you've previously run through, and use weaksauce monsters in battles, destroying any hope that Square Enix learned from the past.
Its story follows Serah and her new boyfriend Noel as they travel through time looking for Lightning. Along the way they encounter a tortured villain named Caius and his sex slave who keeps getting reincarnated for no apparent reason. When they finally find Lightning, she's become a goddess or something and tells them stuff that sounds really profound but means nothing, then fight Caius for the 9,001st time. Caius becomes an hero, but then in the end sequence Serah dies of AIDS and the sky turns into black smoke. There's a secret ending where Caius is still alive.
Then it ends with the words "To be continued."
But it's okay, because there's DLC. Lots and lots of DLC. You can add interesting stuff like easy set-piece fights against characters like Omega, and an episode where Sazh wanders around and plays poker for ten minutes. Then it ends.
Gallery
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No Final Fantasy would be complete without one of these -
And one of these
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And some of this
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And perhaps some of this
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Hope likes wearing women's panties, shocking -
Only sazh hentai in all of rule 34, can't imagine why -
Pretty much sums it up
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Snow gets some help preparing for a date with his wife Serah
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Fingering, You are doing it wrong
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Pool's closed, nigra -
Lightning and Fang pair off in ch 7
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Cid Raines, brigadier general of the fleet, and proud sponsor of Red Bull
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Why is Snow's mouth sticky?
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Snow and his 15 year old fiancee
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What, I always cosuprayu on a train
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And at the national park
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Suckin on my titties like you wanted me
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Lezbions is srs bzns -
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Vanille's imitating sailor moon, real pic sadly
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Vanille and Fang naked in crystal, again real pic, this game has as many cannon lesbians as rumble roses
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heterosexual hentai is the equivalent of consensual sex in the missionary position
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standard reaction to previous pic -
Why carry around a cane if you aren't going to smack black people with it
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Fang knows how to treat a man.
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The sequel nobody was asking for is finally announced!
See Also
- Final Fantasies: 4, 6, 7, 8, 11 or Tactics
- Kingdom Hearts
- The World Ends With You
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Final Fantasy XIII is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
