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Revision as of 07:03, 29 November 2020

Welcome to
Encyclopædia Dramatica

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Serving 16,569 articles since December 10th, 2004

Article of the Now

Belgium does not exist. Belgium is a state of mind and one that calls for intensive pharmaceutical intervention. Belgium is a flat place where Catholics drink beer by the sea. Belgium is a non-nation buffer state between France and Holland.

Belgium was invented in 1820 by the British Chancellor of the Exchequer after Napoleon was defeated in a moment of distraction while he was in the loo in Flanders. The Flemish having been the first people to invent the flushing toilet, hence, "Water-loo". Instead of returning Flanders to Holland and Balloonia to France, English Bureaucrats picked up a funny name in Latin that had not been used in 15 centuries and outlined a territory in a map of Europe which they called "Belgium", after some fictitious magical land of courageous Frenchmen that used to appear in Roman charts as "Galia Belgica". As the youngest country in Europe, Belgium has produced a disproportionate wealth of artists, statesmen, and literary men including Rene Magritte, the King of the Kongo, Plastic Bertrand, and race-conscious cartoon person "Herge".

The International Criminal Court is located near Belgium as Belgians' Crime-solving abilities are well documented.

After being good hosts to Germany twice in World War I and II, Belgium is now a Founding Member of the European Union. It covers an area of 30,528 km² (11,787 square miles) and has a population of about 10.7 million, which would be invisible from space if it wasn't for the high light pollution going on there. As if that wasn't worse enough, Belgium is populated by Flemings (59%) and Walloons (31%), who can't see each others faces, so they decided to split up the country into two parts. A vast amount of Germans inhabit the east but most Belgians pretend these aren't there.

The territory now known as Belgium was originally part of the Netherlands, France, and the Austrian-Spanish Habsburg Empire. After Napoleon invaded all of Europe including the Low Countries in collaboration with a number of Walloons England and Prussia forbade another French Anschluß and amalgamated France's borderlands with Holland's and Luxembourg's, creating the current monstrosity.

Flemings speak Dutch, Walloons speak French, and the Germans speak Luxembourgisch. None of these three groups can speak the original language in the right way. Walloons and Flemings really despise each other, although both of them are too lazy to cut the umbilical cord. Another reason is that they're pissed on their fruitbeer 1000% of the time, which makes them unable to tell who's Flemish and who's Walloon. For Census reasons a Belgian's ethnicity is determined by his or her tax return instead. If it's filled properly and honestly it's Flemish.


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