Cat

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A cat is a small, ornamental, furry automaton often used to provide you with love and companionship when you fuck up your shit life. The substitute child for lonely spinsters and fags, a cat is a household pet that people like to photograph and post in communities, and the official animal of the Internet. Jameth has two cats that he very much loves to photograph.

Lore

Cats were worshiped by ancient Egyptian cultures, which isn't so great considering that they weren't very smart. They inspired the naming of the sixth planet Caturn, the Greek city of Cathens, and a day in our weekly calendar is devoted entirely to them.

Internets relevance

When John Atanasoff and Clifford Berry developed the first digital computing machine at Iowa State University in 1937, little did they know that their invention would become an integral part of a sophisticated worldwide cat picture distribution system.

— Iowahawk, 12 March 2004

The cat is the official animal of the internet lol. Macros are generated, blogs are blogged, and many, many photographs are taken of cats. It is generally accepted that cats are the only thing /b/tards have any love for in their lives, because they remind them of their antisocial, furry-loving selves. It is well documented that a cat is the only thing a /b/tard won't rape, except for one particularly lonely one. Cats haven't ever been unlike rental furniture, the main difference being that one day they will die horribly in front of you and leave you alone forever, just like everyone else.

Are good for... ?

Justice

Unlike large dogs, cats are useless for sex. A domestic cat's junk is too small for even the smallest Asian person's penis. And a large cat can attack you like Siegfried and Roy's tiger. However when a cat hisses at you, it is telling you it wants to give you a blow job which can be quite pleasurable because their tongue feels even better than a vagina. Interestingly, talking about sex with cats is quite distasteful to lovers.

There are rumors that cats are conspiring to take over the world. This is a bit sus. Their main plan of attack is showing people, other animals and inanimate objects their anus. A cat's anus looks like an asterisk, but you already knew that. By doing this, they weird out most normal people, animals and inanimate objects (except furries), causing them to turn away so they are free to further their own nefarious goals, the greatest of which is eating unwatched meals of food. Their plan of attack may also include tripping people up by winding between their legs, irreversible damage to furniture, hanging out on stairs and peeing on carpets. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn pics onto their hard drives.

Those pesky cats..

In September of 2006, an obese orange cat (not to be confused with Garfield) exploited a vulnerability in LiveJournal's video subsystem to redirect people attempting to load LiveJournal eating disorder communities to pictures of the Donut Girl. Every time they loaded the page. Invite a bunch of drama whores to ED, some of them probably even want to take a look around. Oops.... The cat then proceeded to attempt to invite people to lulzcon.

Scientology

Like Scientologists, Cats are known to be organized anti-semites

Scientologists are rumored to despise cats, and have accused them of being in cahoots with the Marcab Confederacy. Rorschach's cat, Mudkips, was poisoned shortly after he (Carasov) was identified on a CO$ video. Naturally the cat, a stray whom Carasov fed, was a mortal threat to Scientologists everywhere and was also most likely a suppressive feline, therefore it was immediately designated fair game and was terminated by Tom Cruise. Cruise failed to destroy or even affect the cat using his OTVIII mind control powers, proving yet again that the cat itself was a deadly conundrum for CO$ followers everywhere, so he instead resorted to poisoning Mudkips by adding ammonia to the food that Carasov was leaving out for him - no, srsly. These events were documented in the forthcoming Mission: Impossible-IV which, like its predecessors, was a box office smash.

Excerpts From a Cat's Diary

Your cat is trying to kill you.

The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly Topeka, KS, following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile weeaboo, deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent jenkem diet. Only a fascist, democratic, rebel, Jewish, or God-fearing soul would dare write such a blasphemous and obvious fabrication, as all cats are inherently powerful, and any attempt to submerge a holy Cat in liquid would necessarily be followed by swift, dishonorable evisceration of all parties involved. LONGCAT IS ALL. ALL FOR LONGCAT.

• DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
• DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their pillow.
• DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
• DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
• DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
• DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time...

Ancient Folklore

Nazicat

Jewcat at bay

Cats have been associated with a variety of superstitions for over 9,000 years, and some argue that this is due to them having a mysterious nature, while others maintain that it is simply because all cats are badass motherfuckers with special powers and shit.

Cats are often even associated with the ancient asian art of zen.

Indeed, there have been several very influential cats revealed on the Internets, including Longcat and Ceiling Cat. Others, such as Serious Cat or BIKECAT are merely henchmen with less significant abilities.

Until recently, it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path. However, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black man crosses your path, and subsequently you will die.

Ship Cats

It is a long standing tradition to get a cat when going away to sea. There are multiple reasons for this.

• They pwn mice
• They are lulzy
• They stop the crew from going batshit insane
• They keep everyone happy

• Objections to the continual sodomy on board can be answered with, 'Hell! at least we are not swiving the CAT!!!'
• (Later, the speaker will swive the cat.)

• They are AWESOME
• They can play the piano, like Keyboard Cat.

"Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit

“	CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.	„
—Ambroce Bierce, The Devils Dictionary

You can also pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because:

• it raises money
• it raises lulz
• it creates Internet drama
• as long as you claim later it's all a social experiment then it's okay, right?

NB: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.

You can make money on Facebook by pretending to kill your neighbor's cat then waiting for reward money for your name and outing yourself!

It is illegal to kill cats on Caturday. It's always illegal to kill cats.

Fun Fact: /b/tards are jaded husks of human beings, able to crack jokes at everything from 9/11 to Rodney King, but will go apeshit if you harm a cat. I guess when you're at your computer with nothing but a 2 hour break your only friends are your IRC channel and your diabetic cat. Top scientists are still speculating why this occurs, but leading studies usually point out they're basically full of shit, considering the typical Btard mocks PETA mercilessly.

Sometime, Kitty Kill U

This is Yoda the Satan Cat in a stare-off with the Ceiling Cat over our very souls.

Montecore (center) took umbrage at two German buttbuddies' making flamboyant coats from his Schwester.

Tatiana, RIP. Her penchant for SOUSAge was to be her ruin.
Who's laughing now, chulo?

Galleries

Namecats About missing Pics

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  Longcat
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  Limecat
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  Serious Cat
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  Trashcat

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  Bincat
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  Speedycat
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  Tacgnol
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  Kitler
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  Nazicat
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  Zionistacat
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  Happycat
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  Covercat.
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  BIKECAT
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  Fishing Cat
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  Ceiling cat
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  Factcat
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  TOW cat has replaced Fact cat.
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  Arguecat
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  Tankcat
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  Monorailcat
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  Frinklecat
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  Tulip
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  Gravitycat
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  Octocat
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  Hovercat
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  That Fucking Cat
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  Death Cat
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  Awecat
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  Burger the Angry Cat
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  Basement Cat
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  Dusty
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  Peter
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  Keyboard Cat
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  Grammar Nazi Cat
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  Mr. Kat
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  Garfield
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  Party Cat
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  Stare cat
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  Get in the car!
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  IS IT CAN BE HUGS TIEM NOW PLEES?
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  He has Mudkip on his team.

Computer Cats About missing Pics

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  delicious
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  Microsoft certified
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  Spam machine!
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  MacCat is pwning Windows

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  Just Watching... meaoooo
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  It'll cost you, though
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  LOGGING IN WITH HIS MIND
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  Don't be fooled!
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  Lol, pwned
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  Kitty fixxes you up!
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  HAX
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  MOAR RAM
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  MacCat is laughing at you
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  Follow instructions, plzkthx
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  1337 cat!
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  Haxxorcat
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  Eh, still better than AOL tech support.
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  Lol, n00b
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  What a disappointment you became
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  miauu..2U understand?
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  This cat suffers from a victim complex. Take pity on the kitty.
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  Piracy is bad
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Other Cats About missing Pics

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  ^_^
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  Gentlemen
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  Felis Erectus.
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  Huntercat knows the score.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  D'AWWWWWWW
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  Fucking ghey saudi cats.
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  New Animu SpeedyLongCat
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  But even after being subjected to animal abuse, your pussy will still love you. heart*heart*
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  Vagina Cat Does Not Want
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  bitches don't know bout snipercat's magic bullitz.
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  wetcat does not want
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  I is legion
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  Cat 2.0
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  Don't make me kill it.
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  It's a trap!
• Travoltacat
  Travoltacat
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  Nobody Luvs Him, whaaa!
• The warning came a bit too late
  The warning came a bit too late
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  Submarinercat wants your periscope up.
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  Submarinercat and his blueprints.
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  PedoCat
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  WTF cat is WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK
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  o_O
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  Fuck off n00b.
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  A free cat
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  Heil Kitler
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  Jew
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  Bedcat: in ur bed, strokin' harbl
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  Seriose kitn
• Kaisercat
  Kaisercat
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  Schrödinger's cat
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  An easy way to transport your pet
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  Zombie Cat Longcat
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  Pooperkitten is not happy
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  PETA Cat
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  Cramped Cat
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  Beer Glass Cat
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  b00bzCat wants UR n00dz.
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  Fagcat is a faggot
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  O I C wut u did thar
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  Kung fu cat will show you his moves!
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  Hallwaycat is in ur hallways, eatin ur children
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  Supcat wants to know, Sup.
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  Giant Mutant Cat
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  Elton John cat is FABULOUS
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  Lucky cat
• Lord Happycat of Happyciecster
  Lord Happycat of Happyciecster
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  Rapecat is about to get imminent on that ass.
• File:CHANGECAT.jpg
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  Juggercat wants you to stay out of his head.
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  The floaty-light
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  Some cats liek to read dictionaries.
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  Some cats have gambling problems.
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  Catbus is everybody's favorite mode of transport.
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  Cat sandwich
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  Japancat is stuck in a tree :-(
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  =(
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  Boozer cat needs his fix
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  Kitty's confused
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  Spamcat got gipped!
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  Teh Santa Cat noes waht joo want 4 xmas!!!1!
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  Moar!
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  Lololol
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  Inly an Osia
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  :)
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  moar Mooncat
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  Public education cat needs to learn more
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  Yiffcat is not amused!
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  VTEC Just Kicked In Yo
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  Sonic suicided with bricks and knives
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  BIKECAT senses danger
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  Hurry!
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  Every dogs worst nightmare.
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  Kitty works hard for her money
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  WTF!!! This are not Caturday!!!
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  Sportycat knows you are holding the team back
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  Cyclops cat is watching you.
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  ...proceed.
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  Y U DO DAT?
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  halp meh
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  Sand cat is not amused, either.
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  No niggers
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  STFUcat says STFU
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  Dr. Kinsey-cat sees through your lies, woman
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  Nomnomnomnom
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  ZOMG realdoll
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  Pissoffcat says "Piss Off Bitch!"
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  Nobody escapes ethe masterlock!!
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  Double-check your gardens.
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  Pussy- n; sperm receptacle.
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  RAGE CAT hates you too.
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  OMG NO!
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  Desu
• File:Callouscat.jpg
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  A simple cat.
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  Bacon cat
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  Terror
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  Typical muslim cat.
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  Eventually, cold hard reality sometimes sets in.
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  Cats deliver pizza
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  Cute incarnate in Shrek, to draw the ladies to a movie about a fat disgusting ogre.
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  HURRRRR
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  AnonCat
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  Asian cat is asian
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  Cavities don't fuck with cats.
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  Some cats are actually ninjas in disguise
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  It Are Cat
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  zzzzzzzzzzzzz
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  Call a Plumper!
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  DESU!
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  BEHOLD I AM CAT JESUS
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  Reaction cats
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  Pocket kitty
• File:HOW DO WE KILL SUPERMAN?.jpg
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  The guy that makes all these horrible macros
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  For Great Justice.
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  "Hurro...I'm 33 PoundCat and here is the news."
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  HESA FIRIN HIS LAZER
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  Invisible deep throat
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  delishuss sawsidge
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  Better not tell the fundies
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  JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION! GET IN THE CAR!
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  Fourth Year Theoretical Physics Degree Cat
• Difficult to spell
  Difficult to spell
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  Mr. Kat
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  A domestic house cat.
• Sometimes gets mad
  Sometimes gets mad

See Also

cats hate water for a reason...

• A cat is fine too
• Amber Baird
• Bincat
• Bonsai Kitten
• Business Cat
• Camrose Cat Killers
• Cat fight
• Catnarok
• CATS
• Caturday
• Crusadercat
• Inception Cat
• Invisible
• JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR!
• Kenny Glenn The Animal Abuser
• Kittens
• LaraTheDarkAngel
• Meow Wars
• NEDM
• OMGWTFBBQCATS
• Schrödinger's cat
• Sea Kittens
• Sean Lynde
• TrashCat
• Tyler Weinman
• Urlesque
• Wang Jeu
• Zippocat

External Links

• Many cats, oh yes.
• Catster: a place for scratching furniture.
• The Infinite Cat Project.
• The Sleeping Cat Olympics
• Kittenwar!
• OMGWTFBBQCATS?
• Stuff + Cats = Awesome
• Panty Cat: "I don't understand why a cat sniffing panties is funny... it just is."
• Moar catz
• NoBeliefs
• Some semi-decent ones without the lols that will some day make it to the galleries above
• You can literally waste hours of your life here.
• There is a community of cats called Catland
• lolcatbible.com ... Recently discovered texts show cats may have written the bible

News

• Man blames his cat for CP downloads.
• New study finds that cats are taking over the world

LiveJournal

• Cruelty involving cats will offend even borderline trolls. OSCAR: NEVAR FORGET
• "help me or kitty gets it"
• Just Cats.

Cat is part of a series on Internet Cats

A Cat Is Fine Too • Almost-Chan • Arguecat • Arrow Cats • Basement Cat • Berry And Friends • Bikecat • Bincat • Binkers • Bonsai Kitten • Bukkake Milk • Burger • Business Cat • Cat in Microwave • Cat on a keyboard in space • Catnarok • Caturday • Ceiling Cat • Chase 'No Face' • Colonel Meow • Covercat • Dangerous Kitten • Death Cat • Dodge Cat • Drillcat • Emo Cat • Fishing Cat • FLOATERCAT • Frinkle • Garfield • Grumpy Cat • Happycat • Hipster Kitty • If it fits I sits • Inception Cat • Jarcat • Jewcat • JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR! • Keyboard Cat • Kitler • Lasercat • Lenincat • Lil Bub • Limecat • Lioncash • Longcat • Maru • Monorail Cat • Mutant Cats • Nyan Cat • Octocat • Orvillecopter • Peter • Poko Ono • Pusheen • Scuba • Secret Kitty Club • Serious Cat • Shironeko • Shocked and Appalled Cat • Shortcat • Shotacat • Silencer Cat • Spaghetti Cat • Speedycat • Stalking Cat • Standing Cat • Starecat • Stalking Cat • Stubbs the mayorcat • Tacgnol • That Fucking Cat • Trollcats • Tubcat • Tulip • Weathercat • Wisdom Cat • YOUR CAT • Zippocat

Featured article October 24, 2006
Preceded by Jake Brahm	Cat	Succeeded by Wigger

Featured article August 7, 2009
Preceded by The Real Chris Chan‎	Cat	Succeeded by Bug Chasers‎