Marriage

A sanctimonious experience for two very special people.

Look at her facial expression. Who would have thought this marriage would end in divorce?

File:The wedding crashers.jpg

How most marriage ends, more or less.

Now goes interracial

Marriage is an IRL meme designed by Christfags to ruin your life. You get nailed to an annoying whiney bitch or emo fag for the rest of your life unless you're smart and in it for the money.

History of Marriage

For unknown reasons, some people remain unmarried.

Marriage was created over 100 years ago by a king who wanted some land, but lacked the balls or ability to go out and conquer some. So instead he would marry off his son/daughter to some other ruler so that the new land would technically belong to both of them. Some people would disagree and say that marriage was and is meant as an expression of true love, but those people are usually virgins who have never gotten any, much less been married.

That being said, the purpose of marriage hasn't changed much over the centuries, but the practice has. A woman will often see a man with a nice house or a nice car and will attempt to trick the man into "loving" her. This ensures that the lazy bitch will own half of the man's property even though she didn't work for it. That wouldn't be so bad for the man (he does get constant pussy) if the woman actually did something instead of sitting on her ass at home all day. If the man tries to put the woman in her place, she will immediately divorce him and take half of his hard earned shit.

TL;DR Marriage was created as a way to get new shit, and it is still used for this purpose today.

What marriage actually changes in people's lives

1. Sharing Losing your wealth with to your partner after divorce
2. Being recognized by governments during international travels, thus making getting visas for your partner is easier.
3. You can sue your partner for profit if you can prove being cheated on.

Theoretical Truth About Marriage

The necessity of marriage comes from distrust. Here are some facts.

• If you trusted your partner you would not need the protection from the government so that one can sue the other after breakup.
• You actually do not need a recognition of your relationship by some authority.

Female behavior after marriage

• Get fat
• Quit job everything
• Stay home all day and pretend to take care of kids.
• Tell everybody how hard being a mom is.
• Take the kid to parties to meet other guys and tell your husband you were taking the kid outside.
• Get fat
• Tell your husband you got fat because of the pregnancy, make child making look like his decision only
• Get fat
• Cheat on your husband with somebody who tells you you are not fat.

Steps in Trailer Park Courtship and Marriage

Why going to prison is no different from being married.

1. Man meets a slut on the street
2. Woman notices that man has money, so she woos the pathetic man.
3. Man bangs up woman, who then sleeps with another guy who doesn't suffer from impotence. She then gets pregnant.
4. Man feels guilty, so gets engaged so he can help raise the child. He wears a ring for the ball and chain to be attached to.
5. Man gets shackled to his new ball 'n' chain in a ceremony known as marriage.
6. Women saps mans wealth, youth, and joy for her own.
7. Man finds out his bitch was cheating on him, so he pwns her, generating many lulz - but she was asking for it. He goes to prison and gets raped by Bubba.
8. ?????
9. PROFIT!

Steps in Geek Courtship and Marriage

The correct attire for the bride at a wedding.

File:FatWifeTardHusband.jpg

Happily Married.

File:MarriageFatGirls.jpg

Too true.

1. Basement-dweller meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fangirl in #buffy IRC channel
2. Basement-dweller is awestruck by Fangirl's eloquent and heart-wrenching fanfiction
3. He sends her anonymous virtual roses from the LiveJournal gift shop
4. Fangirl gushes effusively to her friends list about her exciting virtual flowers, and wonders, at length and visibly, who they are from
5. Basement-dweller finally drops a subtle hint in his own LiveJournal
6. They take it to MSN and he asks for pictures plz and she sends pictures infected with internet disease
7. They announce they are in love to their respective friends lists
8. An online wedding is planned. The fact that he is a 13-year-old boy and she is an 80 year old Chinese man in panties seems entirely irrelevant.
9. mmmmmmmmmmm http://mismarriage.ytmnd.com/
10. ?????
11. PROFIT!

Maintaining a happy marriage

Keeping your wife happy

• Lie. Lie, lie and lie again. Trust us, she's worrying too much about herself to worry about you.

Keeping your husband happy

• NEVER let your husband get his every last sexual whim. Save a few for when he's pissed off. Did you fuck up the bank account again with a week until payday? Time to let him have that anal sex he's been asking about for ten years. Buck it up and take it for the team and you'll find he'll cut you slack.

How To Beat Your Wife

If your wife gets too uppity, beating her is a completely appropriate way to keep her in line. The Saudis explain the proper way to do this:

How to Beat Your Man

(Anyway you please, he can't fight back)

It is generally accepted in egalitarian Western society that if a psychotic sadistic bitch-harpy sees fit to smack, stab, shoot, or pull any other BDSM shit her husband, she obviously had a damn good reason for it. Remember: If it's a woman striking a man, it's not sexism - it's empowerment!

Staged experiment, real reaction.

Exit Plan

In every young man's life, he’ll wake to find himself with his girlfriend acting in a very 16-year-old-girl way. Vaguely through the worst hangover of his life, the sketchy memory of asking his girlfriend to marry him in some drunken mad plan to get a sex is dragged screaming to the forefront of his mind.

There are many elaborate plans to get out of this situation such as suicide for example; however a simple fast and painless way to exit is to upload those romantic movies you made together to yuvutu. Then over a romantic celebratory dinner explain that now you have the deepest love for each other, you have decided to share that love with the whole world making it a better place for your first wife to live.

Ways to GTFO of a Marriage

File:Happily Married.jpg

Bawwwww

Typical marriage.

• Divorce
• Go out to buy cigarettes and never return
• Kill the bitch
• Kill the bitch and her family
• Be like Kevin Federline
• An hero
• File for divorce, kill her and her family, but forge document to make it look like they were secretly in a cult that made them kill themselves

Celebrities and Marriage

It has been seen countless times in the media. Whenever a famous actor is accused of being gay, he quickly reacts and finds the most whorish woman to marry. Quickly, they "consummate" their marriage, usually out of the country. When they come back, the allegations disappear! Score!

Tom Cruise is a major offender of this.

Gay Marriage

Gay marriage leads to gay divorce.

Why Gay marriage should be illegal.

For more information on the above, see rule 34.

See also

• I got married last weekend
• Marry Your Favorite Character Online
• Alternative: Marry Your Pet
• If you get divorced, your wife makes the court have you pay $2000 a month, but you got laid off, can't get unemployment, have to pay another $2700 on mortgage, and have no money at all, then there is only one thing to do.

Marriage is part of a series on Sex Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.