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== "Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit ==
== "Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit ==
As [[City Glitter]] has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on [[LiveJournal]] that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your [[PayPal]] to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true.  This is a good idea because:
As [[City glitter]] has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on [[LiveJournal]] that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your [[PayPal]] to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true.  This is a good idea because:
*it raises [[money]]
*it raises [[money]]
*it raises [[lulz]]
*it raises [[lulz]]

Revision as of 23:30, 11 July 2012

Cat: n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. -Ambroce Bierce
Insert at your nearest river

Cats are furry ornaments signing someone who fucks up in life and will die alone. Being child-substitutes for lonely homos and dykes, said fags like to photograph their cats and post the pictures in Facebook. And because all internet users are antisocial, egocentric, never-satisfied, pussies that overreact to everything, cats became the official animal of the internet.

Dangers

Until recently, it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path. However, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black man crosses your path, as cats are completely useless.

Because their claws and teeth are just for show, cats' main weapon of attack is their anus, which looks like an asterisk. Pointing it at their target will cause most people to weird out; most, not all. Once they turn away, the cat will be free to further his diabolical deeds, the greatest of which are eating unwatched leftovers and causing irreversible damage to furniture. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn pics onto their hard drives and eating their owners.

Keep out of reach of children
Montecore (center) took umbrage at two German buttbuddies' making flamboyant coats from his Schwester.
Tatiana: Her penchant for SOUSAge was to be her ruin

"Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit

As City glitter has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because:

Note: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.

For some, simply pretending to kill cats is not enough. Kitty gore can be found on any Caturday thread on 4chan, and moralfaggotry and rage typically follow.

An especially effective tactic is to videotape the act, and upload the video to the Internet. Here is an incomplete list of people who have utilized this method to great effect:

Excerpts From a Cat's Diary

Your cat is trying to kill you.
The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly [[WBC|Topeka, KS]], following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile [[weeaboo]], deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent [[jenkem]] diet. Only a fascist, democratic, rebel, [[Jewish]], or God-fearing soul would dare write such a blasphemous and obvious fabrication, as all cats are inherently powerful, and any attempt to submerge a holy Cat in liquid would necessarily be followed by swift, dishonorable evisceration of all parties involved. LONGCAT IS ALL. ALL FOR LONGCAT.
 
*DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
*DAY 761 - Today my attempt to [[kill]] my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite [[chair]]...must try this on their pillow.
*DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to [[strike]] fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. [[JUST AS PLANNED|Not working according to plan.]]
*DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "[[Furshampoo|shampoo]]." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
*DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "[[beer]]". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
*DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The [[retard|dog]] is routinely released and seems more than [[happy]] to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time...

Galleries


  • Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
    Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
  • Isn't it sad what people do in their spare time these days?
    Isn't it sad what people do in their spare time these days?
  • Nutritious and delicious!
    Nutritious and delicious!
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]


See Also

Man blames his cat for CP downloads.

Cat is part of a series on Internet Cats

A Cat Is Fine Too • Almost-Chan • Arguecat • Arrow Cats • Basement Cat • Berry And Friends • Bikecat • Bincat • Binkers • Bonsai Kitten • Bukkake Milk • Burger • Business Cat • Cat in Microwave • Cat on a keyboard in space • Catnarok • Caturday • Ceiling Cat • Chase 'No Face' • Colonel Meow • Covercat • Dangerous Kitten • Death Cat • Dodge Cat • Drillcat • Emo Cat • Fishing Cat • FLOATERCAT • Frinkle • Garfield • Grumpy Cat • Happycat • Hipster Kitty • If it fits I sits • Inception Cat • Jarcat • Jewcat • JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR! • Keyboard Cat • Kitler • Lasercat • Lenincat • Lil Bub • Limecat • Lioncash • Longcat • Maru • Monorail Cat • Mutant Cats • Nyan Cat • Octocat • Orvillecopter • Peter • Poko Ono • Pusheen • Scuba • Secret Kitty Club • Serious Cat • Shironeko • Shocked and Appalled Cat • Shortcat • Shotacat • Silencer Cat • Spaghetti Cat • Speedycat • Stalking Cat • Standing Cat • Starecat • Stalking Cat • Stubbs the mayorcat • Tacgnol • That Fucking Cat • Trollcats • Tubcat • Tulip • Weathercat • Wisdom Cat • YOUR CAT • Zippocat

Featured article October 24, 2006
Preceded by
Jake Brahm 		Cat Succeeded by
Wigger
Featured article August 7, 2009
Preceded by
The Real Chris Chan‎ 		Cat Succeeded by
Bug Chasers‎
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