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Cat: Difference between revisions

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{{cg|Newfag shit|Newfag Cat gallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
{{cg|Newfag shit|Newfag Cat gallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Brushing the cat.gif|Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
Image:Brushing the cat.gif|Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
File:CatPounce.gif|Beware their hypnosis
File:ActionCat.gif|Diabolical, aren't they?
File:OMGItWasYou.gif
Image:Dancing cats.gif|Isn't it sad what people do in their spare time these days?
Image:Dancing cats.gif|Isn't it sad what people do in their spare time these days?
File:OMGItWasYou.gif
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File:Surrender cat.jpg
File:Surrender cat.jpg
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File:Cat Machine Gun.gif
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Image:Imlink.jpg|He's Link.
Image:Imlink.jpg|He's Link.
Image:Linkcat girl.jpg|Also Link
Image:Linkcat girl.jpg|Also Link
Image:Linkcat sleepy.jpg|zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Image:Linkcat sleepy.jpg|zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Image:Kittyaww.jpg|[[^_^]]
Image:Kittyaww.jpg|[[^_^]]
Image:Cat Hat.jpg|Warning: Doing this will result with your IQ dropping ten points
Image:Cat Hat.jpg
Image:Willitblend cat.jpg|[[Will it blend?|Nutritious and delicious!]]
Image:Willitblend cat.jpg|[[Will it blend?|Nutritious and delicious!]]
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{{cg|More newfag shit, "Memes" to be exact|Cat memes gallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
{{cg|Memes|Cat memes gallery|center|<gallery perrow="5">
Image:Longcat.jpg|[[Longcat]]
Image:Longcat.jpg|[[Longcat]]
Image:Ceilingcat.jpg|[[Ceiling cat]]
Image:Ceilingcat.jpg|[[Ceiling cat]]

Revision as of 21:30, 25 July 2012

Cat: n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. -Ambroce Bierce
Insert at your nearest river

Cats are furry ornaments signaling someone who fucks up in life and will die alone. Being child-substitutes for lonely homos and dykes, said fags like to photograph their cats and post the pictures in Facebook. And because all internet users are antisocial, egocentric, never-satisfied, pussies that overreact to everything, cats became the official animal of the internet.

Dangers

Until recently, it was believed to be bad luck if a black cat crossed your path. However, recent research has consistently shown that it is only bad luck if a black man crosses your path, as cats are completely useless.

Because their claws and teeth are just for show, cats' main weapon of attack is their anus, which looks like an asterisk. Pointing it at their target will cause most people to weird out; most, not all. Once they turn away, the cat will be free to further his diabolical deeds, the greatest of which are eating unwatched leftovers and causing irreversible damage to furniture. Recently, their tactics have evolved to include getting people arrested by downloading thousands of kiddie porn pics onto their hard drives and eating their owners.

Keep out of reach of children
Montecore (center) took umbrage at two German buttbuddies' making flamboyant coats from his Schwester
Tatiana: Her penchant for SOUSAge was to be her ruin

"Killing" Cats for Fun and Profit

Your cat is trying to kill you. Take it out before you're the next thing buried in its litter box.

As City glitter has proven to us, cats are not entirely useless. You can pretend to people you know on LiveJournal that your cat has been set on fire and ask them to donate money to your PayPal to pay the vet's bill, even when this isn't true. This is a good idea because:

Note: There are a variety of options for raising money on LiveJournal by saying your pussy is on fire.

For some, simply pretending to kill cats is not enough. Kitty gore can be found on any Caturday thread on 4chan, and moralfaggotry and rage typically follow.

An especially effective tactic is to videotape the act, and upload the video to the Internet. Here is an incomplete list of people who have utilized this method to great effect:

Excerpts From a Cat's Diary

The following journal was recovered from a safehouse in the Republic of Catagonia (formerly Topeka, KS, following a brief clash with occupying rebel forces on the fourth of May, 2038. The information contained herein is to be used strictly as (fictional) satire, written by an overweight, micropenile weeaboo, deep in the hazy convulsions of a permanent jenkem diet.

Day 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their pillow.

Day 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768: I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771: There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774: I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured, alas. But... HAH! it is only a matter of time...

Galleries

  • Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
    Aw yeah, bitch. Rub that shit in there nice and fast.
  • Beware their hypnosis
    Beware their hypnosis
  • Diabolical, aren't they?
    Diabolical, aren't they?
  • Isn't it sad what people do in their spare time these days?
    Isn't it sad what people do in their spare time these days?
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]



See Also

Man blames his cat for CP downloads.

Cat is part of a series on Internet Cats

A Cat Is Fine Too • Almost-Chan • Arguecat • Arrow Cats • Basement Cat • Berry And Friends • Bikecat • Bincat • Binkers • Bonsai Kitten • Bukkake Milk • Burger • Business Cat • Cat in Microwave • Cat on a keyboard in space • Catnarok • Caturday • Ceiling Cat • Chase 'No Face' • Colonel Meow • Covercat • Dangerous Kitten • Death Cat • Dodge Cat • Drillcat • Emo Cat • Fishing Cat • FLOATERCAT • Frinkle • Garfield • Grumpy Cat • Happycat • Hipster Kitty • If it fits I sits • Inception Cat • Jarcat • Jewcat • JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION GET IN THE CAR! • Keyboard Cat • Kitler • Lasercat • Lenincat • Lil Bub • Limecat • Lioncash • Longcat • Maru • Monorail Cat • Mutant Cats • Nyan Cat • Octocat • Orvillecopter • Peter • Poko Ono • Pusheen • Scuba • Secret Kitty Club • Serious Cat • Shironeko • Shocked and Appalled Cat • Shortcat • Shotacat • Silencer Cat • Spaghetti Cat • Speedycat • Stalking Cat • Standing Cat • Starecat • Stalking Cat • Stubbs the mayorcat • Tacgnol • That Fucking Cat • Trollcats • Tubcat • Tulip • Weathercat • Wisdom Cat • YOUR CAT • Zippocat

Featured article October 24, 2006
Preceded by
Jake Brahm 		Cat Succeeded by
Wigger
Featured article August 7, 2009
Preceded by
The Real Chris Chan‎ 		Cat Succeeded by
Bug Chasers‎
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