Doctor Who Companions

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How did a time traveler miss this obvious sign of someone's impending doom?

The Doctor, or rather The Nurse's companions ar a lot like the red shirts on Star Trek, they're usually played by an up and coming actor or actress that can either grunt like a professional potn star when they're taking a tiny dick in the ass, give good oral or they are a has been (Matt Lucas) that is was past their prime and looking to add a few more seconds to their 15 minutes.

Like the red shirts of Star Trek, it comes as no surprise that one of the Nurs's companions will either die or be lost in the time stream forever.

So much for that omnipotent god angle that they try to play with the Nurse. Half the time she's like a [[loli|14-year-old girl giving her first blow job and doesn't see it coming.

Companions And Playtoys

Billie Piper and your Mum

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Captain Jack Harkness

Jo Grant liked rubbing herself on Dalek bathroom plungers

The Nurse dragged along numerous passengers on the TARDIS over the years. Most of them were lame at best, but some stood out as either being lamer than lame, or at least had looks, tits and ass worth sticking around the whole episode to see. Among the notables include the following:

Nurse 1 to 8

• Susan Foremanskin - Depending on whether the Who fan you lower yourself to listen to is either of the people who read Lungbarrow, may or may not be his biological granddaughter. She later got left behind on another planet because she was so fucking wishy-washy. Carole Ann Ford played Susan, and subsequently retired from acting in order to get pregnant and barefoot as all British women want.

• Barbara Wright and Ian Chatterton - Played by Russell T. Davies and Jackie Tyler respectively, they were Susan's teachers at the school she attended while Nurse Who was hiding from the Nonce Squad on Earth. They were initially kidnapped by Nurse Who as punishment for stalking Susan and trying to convince her to have a sexy illegal underage threeway with them. But since Barbara and Ian were so fucking boring, they were kicked off the series when he dumped them back on Earth sixty years after they left, without an explanation as to where they'd been, or what happened to Susan's virginity. Thinly fictionalized analogues of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady.

• Jamie McCrimmon - Frazer Hines, having lost a bet over a soccer match, played a kilt-wearing Scot who came from the 1700s and was raised by cruel parents to play the bagpipes as part of the family band. Jumped at the chance at leaving his backwater hometown to travel through time and space with the Nurse Who, showing a remarkable ability to adapt to living in the future despite being from a time period without electricity and indoor toilets; the Nurse would regularly lay about his head with his recorder for relieving himself on the TARDIS console and defecating on Zoe's pillow like a senile, incontinent dog. Ultimately was mindraped by the Time Lords and sent back home, though later it was shown that he reunited with Nurse Who and his rape victim Victoria Wakefield and continued to fight evil until killed off by Grant Morrison.

• Zoe Heriot - A hot Mod Go-Go Chick from teh Far Future who was too fucking brainy for her own fucking good. Zoe was played by the then-shaggable Wendy Padbury, she became the Companion that fans were vehemently divided about. Half of them wanted to fuck her 5'0" brains out in all holes, the other half wanted to toss her out an airlock after they'd finished fucking all of her holes. She also got mindraped by the Time Lords when the Second Nurse Who got butthurt and exiled to Earth as the Third Nurse Who.

• Liz Shaw - The Third Nurse Who's first Companion, played by Caroline John. Liz was your typical bimbo-turned-scientific adviser assigned by UNIT to be the Nurse's assistant. Despite the fact that the only time Liz was interesting was when her Nazi dyke counterpart from a gay parallel world appeared on one episode. The *real* reason she left the series was that she was blind as a bat, and couldn't move -and- act without her glasses, which were about 1" thick and permanently smeared with Pertwee's Old Peculiar. With or without glasses, she wasn't all that attractive anyway.

• Jo Grant - Katy Manning once again gave the Who fanboys something sexy to masturbate to - a sexy, short blonde bimbo who was about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. Or, to put it another way, the type of shaggable babe that would never have *anything* to do with the average Nurse Who fan even if their life depended upon it. Jo wound up running off to the Amazon with some hippie scientist, which left room in the TARDIS for the Companion who would, three decades later, remain the most shaggable Companion of all...

• Sarah Jane Smith - Played by moth-eaten hagfish Elisabeth Sladen. An adventurous female reporter who became Kleenex to the third and fourth Nurse Whos, before Tom Baker accidentally got the poor girl fired by way of constantly bugging the writers to let xim do a serial without a sidekick. Returned for the 2005 revival series as a decrepit crone who still made fanboys cum while screaming "GRANNY! GRANNY!!!!!!" Was ultimately given her own spinoff show as a GILF with one foot and four toes in the grave, drooling over an assortment of underage children and regretting her vow to save her virginity for her imaginary alien boyfriend.

• Leela - The Tits & Ass Cavegirl who replaced Sarah Jane Smith. Like Nicola Bryant some years later, Louise Jameson was hired for her tits and ass and willingness to play a murderous cavegirl dressed only in an animal skin bikini, who the Fourth Nurse Who tries to civilize. Leela's culture obliged her to leave Nurse Who in order to shack up with a guard she met on Gallifrey after she forced him at knife-point to masturbate to a picture of '70s Porn Colin (as pictured above). According to the spin-off books, Leela eventually murders her boyfriend two hours after Nurse Who left and she becomes Romana's lesbian lover before God strikes her blind for spying jealously on Nurse Who and Romana getting it on and was killed off during the Time Wars. NOTE: Not to be confused Leela, the purple haired cyclops played by Peggy Bundy on Futurama.

• Julius Romana - An actress of no particular talent save for the ability to fill a dress remarkably well, Mary Tamm played the first version of Romana, an upper-class snob/over-achiever rookie Time Lord assigned to Nurse Who to help xim recover the McGuffin known as "The Key to Time". Despite or perhaps because of her great chemistry with Tom Baker, Mary Tamm quit the show after a single season when he got her pregnant, although the child denies either Tamm or Baker were the parents.

• Augustus Romana - The second Romana was less of a ball-breaking bitch than the original Romana, and was actually better looking once you got past her Joker-sized teeth. Lalla Ward was extremely shaggable, and as luck would have it she got ruined when she began fucking Tom Baker in real life. She ultimately married xim and left the show due to some bullshit RADA rule that said actors can't fuck one another and stay on the same show if they're married. Romana II and K-9 went to live in an alternate reality, and were never heard from again until the British tabloids picked up on the divorce story and the "irreconcilable differences" - Baker loved getting head, and Ward wouldn't let xim remove her excessively large teeth with pliers to streamline suction access. In the spin-off books, Romana II came back to Gallifrey and became President. Nurse Who ultimately blew up the planet when she denied xim a divorce so xe could marry Rose and was subsequently tormented by the guilt of killing the many innocent Daleks who were on vacation there at the time.

• Nyssa of Traken - With both Romanas pregnant and kicked off the TARDIS, the Nurse Who needed a new fucktoy. Much to the delight of the younger fanboys of a mere sixty or so and the indifference of the children they kept chained up in the cellar, xe picked up Nyssa. Sarah Sutton was actually of legal age when she played Nyssa, but looked young enough to turn on the adolescents just learning what to do with their John Thomases for relaxation and release. While she may have been a pedophile's wet dream, she made the BBC censors a bit nervous, and a second, slightly older female companion was soon to be picked up as most of the Nurse's companions tend to be acquired - kidnapped and seduced with the assistance of Stockholm syndrome and handcuffs.

• Tegan Jovanka - It wasn't until the Fifth Nurse Who arrived that the show was given a second female companion, one who served two purposes: to allow male Who fanboys to masturbate to companion with a "pleasant boyishness", and to make fun of Australians. Janet Fielding played Tegan as a typical Stewardess Bimbo from Oz to such perfection that no other screen actor managed to duplicate the accuracy until Yahoo Serious played Young Einstein. Tegan was actually kicked off the TARDIS twice; the first time for being stupid and missing the TARDIS when it left, the second time because she became a chickenshit bimbo and was too scared to continue fucking around the universe with Nurse Who. Actress Janet Fielding was the first South African to undergo female-to-male gender reassignment therapy.

• Adric - Matthew Waterhouse was a kid actor who pissed off someone at RADA, and was forced to play Adric, an alien who wound up being the prototype for Wesley Crusher. Unlike Crusher, Adric was killed by the Wu-Tang Clan in an exploding space freighter that also ended up killing off the entire fanbase of the original series (both of them) and other dinosaurs. His death haunted the Fifth Nurse Who mainly because John Nathan-Turner wanted Nyssa to die instead but got overruled by Davison, who really didn't like Waterhouse's constant bitching that Tom Baker was a better actor than Davison and the fact that he was fucking Sarah "Nyssa" Sutton off-camera.

• Turlough - Punk was dying, but nobody told the BBC or John Nathan Turner. Though Mark Strickson didn't have spiky hair or safety pins through his nostrils, it was obvious he was based on the type of punkassed British schoolboy that devolved into the likes of Johnny Rotten. With Punk dead and the character really droll and uninteresting (and fanboys realizing that they were masturbating to skinny redheaded twink), Turlough was sent off to whatever planet he hailed from to return as a draft dodger of some sort. According to the spinoff books, Turlough later went on to have a successful career in porno, specializing in gay bondage in honor of his travels with Nurse Who.

• Perpugilliam "Peri" Brown - As mentioned earlier, Nicola Bryant played the companion with the biggest tits before John Pertwee. Peri was the first American companion, despite being played by a Brit, and her name was a source of embarrassment for American fans because not even John Nathan Turner could explain where the name "Perpugilliam" came from. The character grew lamer as her stay on the TARDIS progressed, so she was killed off when Ian Levine transferred her mind into her body, only to be brought back for Nurse Who to force her into an arranged marriage with a warlord at gunpoint. NOTE: The lameness of this Companion is probably best exemplified by the fact that not even the Wikipaedos have allowed an article for the character to be created over on TOW.

• Melanie "Mel" Bush - Established Brit lulzmistress Bonnie Langford played an ultra-annoying vegan exercise freak/computer programmer who was actually an inbred cousin of George W. Bush. So annoying, that we never saw how she became the Sixth Nurse Who's companion and that the Seventh Nurse Who put the psychic whammy on her to make her leave him for a no-good conman with a heart of gold.

• Ace - Sophie Aldred played fat bulldyke neo-Nazi Dorothy "Ace" (No-Last-Name-Given), a lezbo look-alike for Alf Moyet of Yazoo with no discernible talents whatsoever save for her explosive flatulence. She was the Seventh Nurse Who's companion who just happened to be descended from a gay Viking who died getting butthurt by a werewolf or something. Like Peri Brown, Ace was so fucking lame that her final fate was never revealed before the original series was put out of its misery in 1989. The BBC, though, found out there were a few fuckwits fapping to her and even more fapping to the father-daughter thing she had going with the Nurse. To put a stop to both, they commissioned a series of books where she became about as ugly as a Deep South policewoman, told the Nurse to piss off, and pretty much word-for-word copied his bit, but kept her jurisdiction to a few hundred years on Earth instead of over the entirety of time and space because she also became a huge pussy.

Nurse 9 to Present

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• Rose Tyler - Billie Piper - Known to many as the Britney Spears of England - was a "singer" who had no vocal talents whatsoever. As Rose Tyler, Piper appeared on the show from 2005-2006, and shocked fans in both America and England for having the gall to think that she could share herself between two Nurse Whos, Jack Harkness, a black person boyfriend and a short-lived computer geek with a modem in his forehead for a fucktoy. She was actually the one who killed Third Master Who Anthony Ainley and drank of his blood in a traditional English ceremony as part of a publicity stunt for her casting. Of course, the BBC doesn't want you to know that, which is what ED is for.

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Captain Jack will get you high tonight/ And take you to your special island/ Captain Jack will get you by tonight/ Just a little push, and you'll be smilin'

• Captain Jack Harkness - John Barrowman plays the first confirmed bisexual companion for Nurse Who. He appears in about half of the first year of the New Series, and wound up getting exiled to the spin-off series Torchwood because Moffat felt that Barrowman's ability to cause fangirls to scream daddy in ways that could only be described as creepy would translate into spinoff Euros. Harkness returned for Series Three in order to be dumped by Nurse Who all over again, as well as being chained up by third fourth Master, John Simm. Fanboys hate him for turning them on and fangirls can't have him because he is a 100% homosexual IRL. His character can never die no matter how hard homophobic fans wish, and will eventually become the billion-year old giant Face of Hillary Clinton, which might very well be the only time an editorially-mandated retcon was not decried by the fans. Later on in life he went on to have a gay relationship with a queer wimp called Alonso Frame.

IF I SEE THAT FUCKING MARTHA ONE MORE TIME-

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You'd duck her

• Martha Jones - black person played the first black Nurse Who evar. In the show's only successful casting decision ever, she was hired specifically to make Billie Piper look like a good actor. As she was the first black to appear on Nurse Who, the Nurse was amazed by the sight of a black person and spent her entire series making monkey noises and throwing bananas at her. When she compounded the ridicule attracted by her acting deficiency syndrome by making a crude drunken pass at Derek Jacobi on set while cameras were still rolling and endured the indignity of her bum being used as a socket for a spark-spewing livewire. Once sacked she took the opportunity to call show boss Davy T. Russell "a fat, Welsh, gay homosexual nancy boy fat homo queer" since "there's nothing more you can do to me now". Tragically she was wrong about this and Davy condemned her to appear in Torchwood for all eternity. But then she gave Russell T a blowjob and they allowed her to guest star in The End of Time- Part Two, where she married a hairy pervert Mickey Mouse, and hunt's down and castrates peados for all Pedophiles for all eternity.

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You'd even fuck this screaming, Scottish Cow

• Donna Noble - A loud, obnoxiously self-absorbed office worker suffering from unwarranted self importance who, on one Christmas special in 2006, ironically was saved on her wedding day by the Nurse from being fed to a giant alien spiderwoman by her fiance. The irony is that the character is 100% exactly like the actress performing the role, Catherine Tate. Since she's essentially playing herself, one must question whether this is is really acting. She then returns in Partners In Crime, where she looked for The Nurse all over the internet like a sad cow, and kept walking past The Nurse, without even realizing him, cos she's such a stupid ginger whore, but then she does run into him, and helps him battle a nutty pervert woman and lots of lumps of shit, made by fat people, she then travels in the TURDIS, helping The Nurse destroy Pompeii, helps stop The Pood from being sold off as sex slaves, and then The Nurse ends up getting her pregnant with his child, and then he ends up getting post-natal depression and lets his daughter get shot by an old pervert, until eventually Donna, like the idiot we all know she is, gives birth to a clone of The Nurse, who wipes out the Dalek Fleet, and end up gangbanging with The Children of Time, until she cums so hard, she forgets the past year of her life, and ends up moving back in with her mother, and her pervy old grandad. Later in life, she becomes a prostitute and wins the lotto. Putting her in a nutshell, all Donna Noble is is a rip off of the party whore character, most popularly seen in Absolutely Fabulous or AbFab to a fag Brit like you, that is always conveniently passed out when something of importance is happening.

• Jackson Lake - A man in the 1800s, who ends up having his wife and kids taken away by the Cybermen cos he was deemed unfit, and ends up losing his mind, he then, kidnapped a nigger called Rosita, and then kept her as his "assistant"- see Rape. He hen thinks he's The Nurse and goes around, acting like Sherlock Holmes, solving murder cases, until eventually he meets the real Nurse, who beats the shit out of him, in an alleyway until he remembers he's not The Nurse, but a single, middle-aged fucked up man who runs around raping furries with his "Sonic Screwdriver", and then the REAL Nurse destroys The Cybermen.

• Christina De Slater - An 18 year old posh slag, who slept with loads of men, and ended up stealing a cup, (she thought it was a dildo,- thick bitch), from the International Gallery, but then the coppers follow her, so she gets on a bus, full of fucktards, and ends up teleporting to Arabia, where they get captured by mutant sand-niggers, eventually they manage to fly the bus to safety, cos as we all know, buses DO fly. She then flies the bus away, avoiding arrest, of course, she was on her way to America next, and the bus lost fuel and fell into the North Atlantic ocean, thus, drowning the whore.

• C'ptn Adelaide Brooke - The woman in charge of The Mars base, she helped The Nurse battle water zombies, then, she went back to Earth, where she died by injecting herself with heroin, just like Heath Fucking Ledger.

	“	IT IS SAID, THAT IN THE FINAL DAYS OF PLANET EARTH....EVERYONE HAD WET DREAM'S, OF THE NURSE, AND THEY FORGOT BECAUSE THEY MUST, EXCEPT ONE MAN...	„

• Wilfred Mott - Probably the best companion to date, Wilfred is the only companion who actually does something useful. Wilf is having wet dreams about The Nurse so he gets together with a group of elderly perverts and stalks The Nurse, The Nurse ends up getting xis arse fingered by none other than June Whitfield, The Nurse then goes on a date with Wilfred to the cafe, and then leaves, to find The Master, who has been resurrected by a cult of Satanist's, and end's up giving head to the Master, before The Master is captured by Joshua Naismith, Wilfred later on get's a gun, and goes on a killing spree, eventually running into The Nurse and hunting The Master down, meanwhile Wilf keeps having erotic hallucinations of Claire Bloom, then The Master turns everyone on Earth into himself, except Donna, Wil, The Nurse, and 2 deformed spazzos call Addams and Rossisster. Wilf then escapes The Master, and is transported to a spaceship, they then land in the Naismith mansion, defeat The Time Lords, and Wilf is about to get killed by radiation, so The Nursegives his life to save Wilfred, and Wilfred then goes back to normal life, with Donna, who prostitutes herself into winning the lottery, and they all went on to become serial killers.

• Amelia [Amy] Fish Pond

The Nurse, only just having regenerated into the new Time Twink Matt Smith, could not control the TARDIS, in these event's, the ship ended up crash landing in the back garden of ugly ginger scottish lolita , "Amelia Fish Pond". This little girl, had been raped by older "men" many times throughout her shortlived Scottish life, and due to this, trusted the Nurse with all her stupid little heart. She clothed xim, fed xim and tried to overall nurse xim back to health. This included feeding xim fish fingers and custard, mouldy baked beans, and bacon with her Scottish shit smothered all over it. After being raped to the extreme by the new homosexual time twink, The Nurse had to leave her, to go and fix xis time machine. Xe said he would be back in 5 minutes, but ended up coming back 12 years later, when the disgusting scottish animal had grown into a ginormous sexy whore slut strippogram. Together, it was their mission to save the village of Paedoworth, from incineration, by the tennis balls from outer space, who were searching for a fish at had escaped from Amy's fish pond. Amy and her pedophilia helped The Nurse save the world, with a gayman's laptop. The Nurse then took Amy to the future to see a big fat Star Whale, and Queen Elizabeths great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great granddaughter, who was somehow black. Then they went to the past to meet fatty Winston Churchill and the Daleks. After that they went back to Amy's bedroom where the Nurse surprised everyone by rejecting her advances and preferring to stay a 900 year old virgin even though she's the single most fucking gorgeous person ever to appear on the show; thereby proving that the Nurse is a raging faggot. (see above) wait nope it turns out in season 6 she's preggers with the Nurse's kid. so she must have cheated on Rory with the Nurse during the 6 hours several months just before her wedding. As she has all the acting abilities of a plank of wood, needs the Nurse to save her ass every two seconds and has the I.Q of said plank, she is essentially, the perfect companion.

• Rory Williams

Rory is Amy's inexcusably pussy boyfriend/husband. He is horribly deformed in the face, and as such had very little choice of partners. However he somehow managed to score with a total fucking hottie, which scientists claim is nothing short of an Act of God. He gets pwned after two episodes by a scaly loli, and was subsequently b& from existence. No one in the fandom pretended to give a shit. Then in the series finale (ZOMFG SPOILERS) he comes back as a giant plastic dildo (wtf?) and proceeds to beat the living shit out of anything that remotely pisses him off. His respect in the fandom suddenly grew to over 9000 after seeing him in full-on bondage gear, and suddenly his fugliness was not as much of an issue as his Kong-sized plastic balls. Many agree that he and The Nurse are 100% ghey for each other, unfortunately the Eurofags who run BBC refuse to endorse ghey pron on their network. Today, Rory spends most of his time fucking Amy senseless against the walls of the TARDIS while making the Nurse watch, right after she makes him a fucking sammich.

• Professor River Thames Song Ping Pong MackaDongDong Thong

Some unfunny fatass who was raped then murdered on an electric chair by David Tennant in an old abandoned library in 2008, and spoke of the future (which is actually her past) in which she would return to rape the Nurse once more. She seems to think she's black person and that the Nurse and her are married in the future. She drastically overuses the phrases, "SPOILERZ," (even though she practically told xim right out that he's in love with the bitch and they're married) and "Hello, sweetie," making the Nurse even believe they have some kind of frightening relationship in his near future. Dumbass fans often suggest that she's regenerated versions of Romana, his own daughter Jenny, and somehow Rose? She was revealed to be the child of Amelia [Amy] Fish Pond following a frozen-spunk version of the ginger fap-magnet melting onto the floor of the TARDIS.

• Vastra, Jenny, and Strax

As if Jack Harkness wasn't enough gay influence, Mr. Moffat sought fit to turn a lizard chick lesbo, and have her marry some unsuspecting girl the Nurse saved prior. They also have a talking idiot potato as their butler, or something. Either way, anyone into bestiality will get really hot with it.

• Clara Oswin Oswald

Played by British actress Jenna Coleman who looks like a cross between Katie Holmes and Christina Ricci who was famous for playing a lesbo in some other show, and dating Robb Stark. At least she has a nice pair of tits. First met the Nurse as a Dalek. Then again in Victorian-era London as a barmaid governess whore that gets cut up by Jack the Ripper. Then again in present day. She has a fetish for souffles. Fans speculated as to why she could exist in three different time periods. Many fans were speculating that she was Jenny, the 10th Nurses wife, daugher, wincest twin and were majorly dissapointed when it was revealed she jumped into some weird light thing to save the Nurse, which was basically a reason to set up the 50th anniversary nope, just a shitty story arch that was never finished or talked about again that only succeeded in pissing off the shows loyal fans because it retconned her into all the Nurse's pasts. Yet, some fantards still think it's brilliant writing. The 12th or [[pervert|Dirty Old Man Nurse)] also wants to sex her which pisses off the fantards to no end because they say he's way to old to be acting like a horny fool over some stupid coal burning cow. Hope River doesn't find out... On the other hand, knowing her, she might want to 3 way.

_{Just how gay is Master Who? Here's your answer!}

See Also

• Celestial Toystore
• Doctor Who
• Science Fiction
• Sherlock
• Star Trek
• The Unknown Autobot
• The Shadow

External Links

• Crap based on the show made by the losers from Glitter's Cap-Page Board.
• Play Dalek Attack (1992) online.
• theNursewhoguide2012 - An eBay vendor with a fetish for both Nurse Who and The Führer

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