Joss Whedon: Difference between revisions

Revision as of 12:55, 13 May 2015

You would be forgiven for assuming this hairy potato creature has yet to experience the touch of a woman.

Joss Whedon is a fat excuse for a director who, with a combination of plagiarism, woman-hating and pandering to pathetic nerds, was able to build a successful career in spite of multiple failures and no talent, before abruptly turning into a fedora wearing, propaganda spewing, subservient hyper-feminist who spends his time sucking up to irrelevant internet celebrities in hopes that they will let him forget the fact that everything he has ever produced contains half-dressed bitches and whores, and that his most favorite character that he ever created would threaten to punish women by raping them.

In fact, quite a lot of Whedon's productions contain rape. Besides the aforementioned character in Firefly, another one of his shows contains multiple rapes and, if you think this is all in his past, you should know that, even before the movie came out, the trailers for the recent Age of Ultron (which SJWs are already calling sexist) already contained a subtle rape joke. So it's safe to assume that Whedon's obsession with feminism is probably the result of guilt over having some kind of rape fetish.

Who is "Joss"?

A rare photo of Joss after being captured by terrorists

The plump, geeky, comic book loving cancer that is killing screenwriting, Joss Whedon is exactly what Quentin Tarantino would be like if raised by Mr. Rogers. Beaten senseless and robbed every day of high school by the girls' chess club, Whedon attended college in England where he was only thrashed once a fortnight by the girls' rowing team. Some have speculated that these formative events were the inspiration for his subsequent works that featured scantily clad women who are unafraid to use violence to plow through large numbers of foes: Buffy Summers, Illyria, River Tam, Melaka Fray, etc. etc. (when they aren't crying naked in a corner, begging for a man to save them, that is)

Whedon began his professional career in the Los Angeles entertainment industry, freelance writing for sitcoms and eating from the garbage cans behind doughnut shops. Finally, he wrote a screenplay titled Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It bombed in theaters and Whedon decided that his failure was better suited for television. He was correct: BTVS ran for seven successful years, keeping the streets safe from goths, emos, 16-year-old girls and necrophiliacs for one hour a week or more if a marathon was running. Syndication and a DVD collection of the series ensure that BTVS will continue.

Whedon is now unspeakably rich and spends much of his fortune hiring contract killers to commit major slayage on the jocks who flushed him down the second floor toilet in his junior year. He was tapped to write and direct a Wonder Woman movie by Warner Brothers. Rumors that Wonder Woman will become a 16-year-old girl who can mop the floor with hordes of minions remain unconfirmed.

"It's not MY fault ;_;" - Whedon's mantra

Whedon fucks up a lot, and when he does, it is never his fault.
When he ruined Runaways, he blamed director Jean-Pierre Jeunet. For the stupidity of his Alien: Resurrection script he blamed everyone but himself, saying: "They said the lines ... mostly ... but they said them all wrong... They cast it wrong. And they designed it wrong. And they scored it wrong. They did everything wrong that they could possibly do", as if the stupid plot that he wrote where the main bad guy looks like a dried up turd wasn't the reason the movie flopped. He also shifted the blame for the the idiocy of the script (which, again, he wrote) in X-Men on "Halle Berry's wooden performance". More recently, Whedon has failed at creating a remake of Gerry Anderson's Joe 90 for Fox called Dollhouse (but would have been more accurate as "Dullhouse"). ~~We eagerly await to see who he will blame for his own shortcomings this time.~~ HE'S BLAMING FOX! Of course. The fact Fox cancelled a better show to make room for a second season of this ratings repellent, Whedon still accused them of somehow fucking up the show that he made.

Stealing Movies

Joss and LionsGate are currently being sued for $10 million dollars by someone who claims that Whedon stole a movie's entire plot from a book he wrote. The guy's book Little White Trip was released for free online and is nearly identical to Whedon's film Cabin in the Woods, including plot, themes, characters and pretty much everything else besides names and the cabin being a reality show instead of a government program. The only question that remains to be answered is: If this guy is lying, why not at least take credit for a movie that wasn't a massive flop?

The face of a thief

Career as a Rapist

Every Joss Whedon character ever created.

In addition to his career in film and television, Joss Whedon is also gainfully employed providing surprise sex to his wife nightly, as unquestionably ugly and talentless bulldyke Allecto has fantasized in hyr LiveJournal. Note to the reader: as you read this excerpt, keep in mind that, in all probability, Allecto was fapping to the vision of rescuing Mrs. Whedon from this patriarchal servitude and whisking her away to a Sapphic paradise for intense re-education.

“	I feel awful for Joss Whedon's wife. From what I've read about him and the interviews I've watched, I'm fairly certain that he rapes his wife and abuses her in various other ways. I honestly can't think of anything worse than living with a man like Joss who thinks of women like the way he portrays in his tv shows. How awful. The comment about the money was meant to be about how I personally could see no benefit from being with a man like Joss OTHER than money. Joss uses and abuses her. Probably rapes her and thinks of women as whores etc, etc. Obviously, Ms Whedon has her own reasons for staying. Fear, patriarchal concepts of love, etc. But I would argue that she gives everything and gets nothing. Money is the only concrete thing that she could possibly gain. But as I said money is worth nothing compared with self-integrity, self-esteem, love (sister/lesbian/gynaffectionate love) etc. So she still loses out. Poor woman.	„

Undoubtedly, the Whedons have been cut deeply by the truth inherent in this character examination; Wifey's probably weaving vulva-shaped dreamcatchers to use as propellers for the vaginacopter she'll escape in, while Joss sprays bitter tears all over his dadpaste factory. Another uncontested victory for radical feminists who keep their ears plugged up with organic tampons to keep dissenting viewpoints from contaminating their womynenergy circles.

Joss and "Feminism"

	“	Joss shoots his actresses most lovingly when they're wet and crying and curled up in the fetal position, pressed up against a wall, broken, mascara running, bleeding, and reaching out. And what are they typically reaching out for? Some dude (or vampire or werewolf) and the dick he's attached to.	„
	—Cracked.com, Back before Cracked were raging feminazis.

In recent years, Whedon has been desperately trying to get rid of the stigma of being a woman hater, assigned to him by crazy, internet feminazis. However, cooperating with these cunts is never the right way to go about it. Sensing that the prey is weak and realizing what a pathetic, spineless individual Whedon is, the feminist community has used an array of articles and shaming techniques that would fail on anyone with a backbone to mold Joss into a pitiable, fedora-clad white knight.

Since then, Joss has been constantly involved in various, minor controversies that revolve around him trying to defend the helpless damsels in distress, all the while dressing up Scarlett Johansson in a skin-tight leather outfit with ridiculous cleavage and preaching his insane theory of "Womb Envy".

Yes, "Womb Envy". Joss Whedon's entire world-view about feminism revolves around the theory that men hate women because they're jealous that they can't pop a little brat out of their assholes (he probably just has an Mpreg fetish), and not because say... women are stupid and useless for anything besides cooking, cleaning and sucking dick.

Here you see Joss proving his feminism by having Scarlett Johansson do the "Look at my ass and tits at the same time" pose on the Avengers poster.

Joss fires a woman for being pregnant

In a show of true feminism, Whedon fired Charisma Carpenter from his (failed) show "Angel".
Charisma, who played the millionth incarnation of an unrealistic strong woman named "Cordelia", was booted off the show as soon as she got knocked up faster than Whedon ejaculates, thereby allowing Whedon to preform a miracle by losing charisma despite never having any in the first place.

The feminisphere roared and whined but, for once, Whedon didn't cave to the feminazis and even went a step further by intentionally screwing Carpenter over. How did he do this? By inviting her to participate in the show's 100th episode, promising not to kill off her character in that episode because she refused to take part otherwise, and then promptly "changing his mind" after she has already signed the contract and then lording over her about it as she literally cried (like the strong, independent woman she portrays).

If anything, this ordeal proves that the only person who has "Womb Envy" is actually Whedon himself (and literally no one else), and that his entire feminism shtick is a result of guilt about his perverse jealousy, manifesting itself as angry, delusional projection onto the entire male sex.

Joss hates "Feminist" then backpaddles like a bitch

In stark contrast to his usual fear of saying anything to offend his feminist overlords, Whedon once made a speech at a benefit dinner about equality where he gave a 15 minute long, rambling dissertation about how he hates the word "Feminist". In his delirious mumbling he discusses wanting to replace it with calling people who aren't feminists "Genderists" and briefly mentions how people don't like to use the word "Feminist" because it isn't something they want to "deal" with, thereby reluctantly admitting he is aware everyone hates feminists and thinks they are annoying.

Although he was greeted with rousing applause from people in the room who wanted his money, the next day the internet was flooded with articles on feminist websites calling him a misogynist racist because, by implying that you should denounce sexists instead of coddling women, he acknowledges they already have all the rights and denies them their victim status. Furthermore, using a word like "Genderist" might give people the wrong impression that feminists want equality.

Whedon quickly receded like his own hairline and is now calling himself a feminist again.

Whedon Vs. The Mary Sue

In one of his most recent, and most pathetic displays of how crazy he has become, Joss responded to this tweet by feminazi website The Mary Sue:

I think you misspelled "Fapping"

A logical person would have probably pointed out the irony/hypocrisy in a site that constantly whines about objectification tweeting about them all fingering themselves at the sight of a shirtless Chris Pratt. But not a beta like Joss. No, Joss instead chose to complain that they are overlooking the misogyny of the Jurassic World trailer, the true victim of which (according to Whedon) is Pratt's fully clothed co-star.

Unlike what the whores over at TMS usually do, they did not take this laying down. The Mary Sue responded with their own article (their second one about Joss. Their first article calling him a sci-fi rapist from a few years ago is probably the reason he was following them in the first place) saying that they aren't a reactionary feminazi shitholes unlike Buzzfeed or Jezebel (forgetting to mention We Hunted The Mammoth in their lineup of feminazi outrage blogs or the fact that TMS is by far the worst of the 4), and criticizing Whedon for criticizing them because him telling them how to be feminists is misogyny, mansplaining and harassment. The ordeal ended with Whedon apologizing to them and they are presumably still jerking off to the poor, sexualized Pratt while writing articles about "The male gaze" (yes, Joss too).

On a more comical note, The Mary Sue is the site that Sarah Butts wrote for until it was discovered that ~~she~~ he fucks dogs. At which point the site tried to deny Sarah ever wrote for them (but forgot to delete the evidence) and then tried to claim it was actually some other person called "Sarah Butts" who just so happens to also be obsessed with GamerGate. None of this has anything to do with Whedon per-se, but it's still amusing to see what kind of highly respectable feminist figures he chooses to suck-up to.

Whedon Vs. His own actors

Pretty much everyone who has ever been on set with Whedon has grown tired of his tedious browbeating to the point that his former colleague Adam Baldwin openly contradicts Whedon's delusional opinions on Twitter and his current coworkers did this:

In an interview about the upcoming movie, both Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner refered to Johanson's character "Black Widow" as a slut, whore and a trick. Whedon responded by saying that he is "Disappointed" in them and Evens ended up having to apologize for diplomacy's sake. But it was clear that the joke was the result of them blowing off some steam after having to listen to Whedon's bullshit all day. Renner, on the other hand, acted like he has some actual balls and continued to laugh about it when he was a guest on Conan O'Brien's show that week.

Obviously, the first to take the opportunity to get a few more cheap-shots in on Whedon was, again, The Mary Sue.

Whedon Vs. Twitter feminists

This little interview must have left a mark on people's impression of the movie because, soon after the release of "Age of Ultron", Whedon was bombarded by complaints from his false, feminist idols that they are disappointed that the movie isn't feminist enough. I guess, judging from Whedons sad and desperate attempts to placate them, the feminists assumed that "Avengers 2" would be some kind "S.C.U.M Manifesto" of film-making. When all they got was a bunch of dudes fighting and more of Johanson's tits, they lashed out at Whedon on twitter who, at the sight of his feminism being doubted by the internet whores he's so eager to please, quit twitter. One of his most vocal detractors was his idol's puppet master, Jonathan McIntosh.

Soon after, every entertainment news site ran a story about it lamenting his departure as if it was real news, including (you guessed it) "The Mary Sue". Joss then had to quickly do damage control by doing an interview with Buzzfeed and saying it wasn't feminists or Anita who drove him off, mentioning that she was the second person to call him, which only makes everyone suspect she contacted him right away, asking him to do the interview to protect her reputation. During the interview, Joss had a slip of the tongue (much like the time he accidentally admitted he doesn't like the word feminist because everyone hates them) and said it couldn't have been feminists who drove him off twitter because they already attack him on twitter all the time!

The attempt at backpeddling convinced no one and only made Joss look like feminism's battered wife, telling her friends that her husband only hit her because he loves her.

With friends like these

The Sarkeesian Connection

After Adam Baldwin coined the term "GamerGate", Joss became heavily involved in it, comparing people participating in it to the KKK. Becoming more and more embroiled in the shitstorm, he later tweeted this about Anita before actually meeting her in one of her many photoups:

An innocent, unbiased opinion, right? Not so much. The first, obvious connection between Whedon and Anita is the fact that her first video was a criticism of his shit show Dollhouse, calling it sexist. And, much like his interactions with TMS who wrote articles about him in the past, Whedon once again establishes a pattern of willingness to throw himself at the feet of any woman who accuses him of sexism and beg for their validation. Their second connection is not as obvious...

Jonathan McIntosh, Anita's boyfriend/director/puppetmaster once won an award from Whedon's scholarship fund for some video he made for a contest he was running (it was something about Buffy and Twilight). It got a lot of attention when Youtube pulled it down thanks to a DMCA and McIntosh had all of Anita's news-site friends publish articles about it until the video was put up again.

In the end, according to unconfirmed reports (we haven't watched this shit movie yet), Whedon ended up putting a small glimpse of Anita's Youtube channel in the second Avengers movie, being read by Black Widow who is using her 1337 HX0R powers to give a stereotypical MRA criticizing her video a million downvotes in an act of childish vengeance and unintentional irony, considering the character would be considered by Sarkeesian's own definitions a "Fighting Fuck-toy".

Hilariously, Thunderf00t (doing something not retarded for the first time in his life) made this video to show what Anita would think of Whedon's videos if she didn't need him for publicity or he didn't need her as a meat shield against other feminists:

Joss Whedon Fan Sites

Accurate description of all female characters in a Whedon film as told by Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner

Over time, Whedon's shameless pandering had earned him a following of borderline retarded fans. It consists mostly of grown, female feminists who praise him when he does everything they ask and berate him like a dog that peed on the carpet when he doesn't, 13 year old girls (or grown women with the mentality thereof) who write gay fapfiction about his films 10 times longer than the actual script and then masturbate to it, and adult, male feminists who are trying to sleep with those 13 year old girl.

To this day, these people obsess about Whedon and his bald head, defend him at any cost whenever he fucks up (always) and wonder when Firefly will be un-cancelled (never). Thanks to this, they are all incredibly crazy and thin skinned, and therefore ripe for trolling (below are some common tactics).

BuffyWorld
- Conversation Starters:
  - That guy who plays Spike looks gay to me.
  - I saw Joss's titties when he was in a drunken catfight with Shannen Doherty.
  - I like Charmed better.
Fireflyfans aka the "Brownpants"
- Conversation Starters:
  - Science fiction is stupid.
  - What were they using for fuel?
  - I like Dr. Who better.

Haters

This was from before the entire staff turned SJW and began defending anyone they see as a member of the cult.

Google search of "Whedon" and "Feminist"

Here you can find the hundreds of articles by radfams calling him a fake feminist, misogynist, a rapist, and going batshit over him trying to change the word "Feminist" (seriously Whedon, just give up. They will never accept you as long as you have a penis).

@@ Line 46: / Line 46: @@
 Since then, Joss has been constantly involved in various, minor [[drama|controversies]] that revolve around him trying to defend the helpless damsels in distress, all the while dressing up Scarlett Johansson in a [[S&M|skin-tight leather outfit]] with ridiculous cleavage and preaching his insane theory of "[[batshit|Womb Envy]]".
-Yes, "Womb Envy". Joss Whedon's entire world-view about feminism revolves around the theory that men hate women because they're jealous that they can't pop a little brat out of their assholes, and not because say... [[fact|women are stupid and useless for anything besides cooking, cleaning and sucking dick]].
+Yes, "Womb Envy". Joss Whedon's entire world-view about feminism revolves around the theory that men hate women because they're jealous that they can't pop a little brat out of their assholes (he probably just has an [[Mpreg]] fetish), and not because say... [[fact|women are stupid and useless for anything besides cooking, cleaning and sucking dick]].
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