Motorcycle

Typical motorcyclist.

Do you ever wish that you were a torture technician but find that a little thing called the Geneva Convention stands in your way? Do you see Guantanamo Bay closing and wish that you hadn't been a lazy fuck and joined the military? Too proud to live in a shithole like Turkey or Egypt where torture is still legal? Well, there's always the motorcycle. It's completely useless as a vehicle. You either have to eat bugs as you go or else wear a helmet and look like you never comb your hair. You can't carry anything you buy with it like even the smallest car can. And you're quite likely to get seriously injured from it. Hospitals in fact lovingly refer to these literal cock rockets as "donor-cycles", due to the fact that accidents involving them pretty well always result in a dead rider with ripe young organs ready for the taking (provided they aren't splattered all over the pavement in 38 different directions).

The only actual use of these things is for your vehicle to sound like weed-whacker while being 50 decibels louder than a .44 handgun, which after you've lived next to a neighbor who "repairs" motorcycles all day, sounds like a tiny firecracker going off in comparison. Motorcycles never have any mufflers ever and every single person that rides one will alter the tailpipe so it's as loud as possible. This of course doesn't keep them safe from accidents because the low frequency sound is non-directional so it sounds to other drivers like it's coming from all around them. Every single person who owns a motorcycle is guaranteed to spend at least an hour warming it up in the morning and will spend 100% of their free time revving it. Every motorcycle repairman who does his repairs in a residential neighborhood instead of a real shop will repair the mobile torture device not by changing parts, tuning things, or any realistic work but by simply revving it nonstop until this action magically fixes it.

Ultimately riding a motorcycle, like ass crack diving with ten-year old Filipino boys, is not without its risks, lol...

If only he had worn a helmet.

How did this accident happen, you ask? Motorcyclists ride illegally between two lanes of traffic and try to run people off the road with their bikes as if they were giant trucks, and then when they get in accidents which they caused, they have the nerve to go around saying, "Cars are always trying to hit motorcycles!"

Another typical way they ride around is after first warming up their bike for an hour, then sitting in it revving it for several more hours, then when all their neighbors are all tortured, they like to ride through residential areas at all hours of the night and day. Drivers will roll up their windows or stick a finger in one of their ears from how loud it is, and motorcycles will see this and then harass these drivers acting like were oblivious to the fact that a motorcycle which everyone can hear 10 miles away was nearby. This is done purely with hand gestures and beating on the car since no conversation can be heard over the sound of the motorcycle.

Women of course love motorcyclists because there's nothing women love more than a man with intelligence. Those helmets aren't protecting anything valuable. Plus there's the fact that these bikers chimp out far more often than blacks and far worse.

Cruisers

Cruisers are ridden by pretend badasses. They're heavy, low to the ground, and force the rider to put his legs forward so that all of the force of an impact is transmitted through his crotch. Many cruisers have raised handlebars, or "ape hangers," so called because the KKK used to tie niggers to them and drag said monkeys through the streets. Most cruiser riders consider their cruisers to be expressions of their personalities and will customize them as much as possible, but they all look alike anyway.

Dirt Bikes

Dirt bikes are specifically designed to be as dangerous as possible so that they appeal to the redneck consumer base. Dirt bike engines are usually two-strokes, which means that they run off of a 50/50 mixture of gasoline and cum. The large amount of jizz required to power them for even short lengths of time means that the riders will engage in homosexual activities before, during, and after riding. A dirt bike helmet even has an enlarged area under the chin so that the wearer can suck cock without taking it off.

Sportbikes

The preferred choice of stupid teenagers and suicidal veterans with PTSD, sportbikes are jap motorcycles with extremely powerful engines that run on high-octane rice. Insurance costs are ludicrously high because every single rider under 25 will total his bike within a week because he tried to pull a wheelie. A typical rider will wear flip-flops, shorts, a t-shirt, and no helmet, because he's 2kool4school; if he survives his first crash, he'll have road rash on over 90% of his body from sliding down the freeway at 130 mph.

Harley-Davidson

Harley-Davidson is technically a company that makes a couple of kinds of motorcycles, but Harleys deserve their own group because of the monumental retards who ride them. There is no reason whatsoever to choose a Harley over any other bike unless you're in the middle of a mid-life crisis and want to be part of a "cool kids club."

When asked about why they chose to ride Harleys, HD worshipers will always respond with something about the image it presents, which just goes to show you that they're all brainless sheep. Sometimes, they'll add a comment about it being made in America; to generate maximum butthurt, point out that Kawasaki, Suzuki, and Honda all have plants in the US, and that Honda's motorcycles actually use more US-made parts than Harley-Davidson's do. Be sure that you're speaking to a wannabe biker gang member and not an actual one, though your odds of meeting the real deal are slim to none since most HD riders are fake ass punks.

"But are they really that bad," you ask? YES. HD motorcycles are absolute trash that sell on nostalgia alone since the company hasn't had an original idea since before 1960. Their antique air-cooled engines burn the riders and are deliberately designed to vibrate as much as possible so that the bike rattles itself apart; this is evidenced by the oil slicks found under parked Harleys. On top of that, the engines will always shit themselves somewhere between 15k and 40k miles, and the only way to prevent that is to regularly tear the entire engine apart (at the dealership, of course) and inspect it. The problem is so bad that a class-action lawsuit was filed about it. Harley-Davidson's solution? Implement a quick-fix in all new engines that postpones the problem to just after the warranty runs out. All HD motorcycles are actually sold with free roadside assistance, food, lodging, and rentals for when the bike breaks down; without this, HD would go bankrupt within a year.

Ride Nude

Motorcycles are DANGEROUS mmmkay? As such, in order to ensure maximum safety you should always ride with an incredibly hot naked chick straddling your butt side, preferably flailing her arms all about in order to attract as much attention as possible.

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Akira Bike

The most collectively renown motorcycle known for sheer bad-assery is the one featured in the Japanese fapime movie "Akira". For years animu fan boys and motorcycle squids alike pined for this proverbial cock rocket wet dream to become a reality. Eventually enterprising entrepreneurial engineers made this a reality and first started producing near replicas of the bike, much to the collective load blowing of tweenage muppet fucks the world over. But it didn't stop there. Once they realized the sheer marketing potential to people with pokey penises looking to overcompensate they soon began ripping off aspects of the base design and incorporating them into nearly every new bike that's made.

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  Pissing off motorcycles... generally not a good idea.
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Video

Mainstream Media Cycles

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Monowheels

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See Also

• Bike - Pedal-powered, safer alternative
• Car - Enclosed, four-wheeled alternative
• Jonathan Kendrick Lewis - Fake motorcycle rider & an hero.
• Scooter - Fat-powered, homosexual alternative

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