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 | This article has been cleaned up, and it was a trip to hell and back.
Please, don't fuck it up. |
Yes, it has fucking Sonichu on it.
In all the time since Christian Weston Chandler came into our lives that fateful chilly autumn day of November 2007 here at ED, he has managed to affectionately touch a lot of us (some more than others) by pulling many a lulz in our hearts- er, inner psyche.
Chris somehow managed to make us forget what pathetic basement dwelling trolls each of us truly is and made us realize that no matter how worthless our sad little lives are, they're still more poignant than Mr. Weston Chandler's will ever be.
Luckily, thanks to modern technology, we have a billion miles of internets wires to protect decent society from his autistic ways. Unfortunately, the poor inbred rednecks of Ruckersville and Charlottesville, Virgina have not been so lucky.
So come with us as we meet and honor the brave few who have somehow had the misfortune to make physical contact with Christian in the last 42 years of his existence on Earth.
—Alleged Uncle, Coach Jim Tressel, on Chris Chan | ||
Family Members
Parents
Barbara Chandler (Mother)
 |
Barbara Anne Weston Chandler is Chris's fatass mother, born 1 October 1941. Nickname: Snorlax.
She constantly babies and tells Chris how handsome he is. Believing that he is so irresistible to women, she also says PandaHalo will not stop kissing him once she meets him (something that will never happen as PandaHalo is now dead). She is also the mother of Cole Smithey but has no idea who the father is because she's Maury Povitch trash.
Barbara was Chris' date to his seinor [sic] prom. She refused his advances and wishes to help him lose his virginity on prom night.
She is extremely neurotic about Chris's online misadventures. While this ruins the fun for trolls, it does seem to indicate that she's not a total idiot.
- While having a special needs child is stressful in any marriage, rather than getting genetic counseling and family therapy to cope with raising an autistic child, they've gone the old fashioned route of expecting little to nothing of Chris, shrugging off even his most revolting and bizarre actions as the deeds of an innocent imbecile. This would have worked great in the days before psychology, like when Bob was growing up, while nowadays even sufferers of Down Syndrome can lead healthy and fulfilling independent lives with firm, supportive parenting and appropriate professional help. Barb and Bob, predictably, have always opposed this idea, since it might produce criticism of their general laziness, filthiness and decision to casually pop out an infant when both of them were middle aged and at high risk of producing a retard baby; even after the psychologists and teachers at Chris's elementary school observed his tard rage in action and insisted they enroll him in a special-ed school for autistic kids, the Chandlers instead opted to accuse the principal of being a pedo, sue the school district and then flee the county when the lawsuit failed. Clearly, they knew what was best for their son.
- According to Chris, Barbara has not had sex with Bob for at least two decades, most likely because he can't get a hardon. They have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years.
- It is now known that Snorlax has AIDS of the ass, also known as "colitis", apparently 1 of several complications of what happened 9 months before Chris was born.
Bob Chandler (Father)
Full name: Robert Franklin Chandler Jr, Bob was Chris' father. Born 4th of September 1927, died 6th of September 2011. Nickname: The Internet Lumberjack.
Bob never washed his hands. This caused Chris as much, or perhaps more, stress than the slanderous trolls. Chris has said he started more arguments "than flies on a garbage dump." He also invented a control panel for plastic molding machines, and declared that Barack Obama would paint the white house black as soon as he became President. Robert's step-son, Cole, despised him and would only contemplate a family reunion once "that fuck Bob finally drops".
Despite being a racist, homophobic redneck, Bob became a firm favorite with trolls in the CWC world, due to his infamous cameo in the 
"Chris-chan caught fapping" incident and cutting down Chris' internets.
It should be noted that Bob was the only parent doing what a parent should do, parenting their child, no matter how retarded it is. There were cases that showed him participating in more disciplinary actions such as mentioning how Chris is a fat lazy fuck who had been living in their house nine years too long, which is something Chris really needs to acknowledge. Unfortunately, this isn't saying much, because if he were a real parent, he would have forced Chris to get a job, and/or kick him out of their house. But why do that when you're getting half of a $800 monthly tugboat check?
—Bob Chandler, on niggers (actual quote) | ||
But if you really want to poke into Bob's bread-oven, the following video really summed him up. Bob talks to a troll about his education, and at 7:04, he has a moment of TRUE AND HONEST full disclosure of his links to the Ku Klux Klan, and later how he invented the computer (and then let Al Gore have it to make the Internet with.)
On September 06, 2011, Robert Franklin Chandler Jr., Chris' father and Internet Lumberjack, died and went to that Great Klan Rally in the Sky. Chris has numerous times used his undead spirit to haunt those he strongly disagrees with
Siblings
David Alan Chandler
Dr. David Alan Chandler is an ophthalmologist (glorified optician) and older half-brother to Chris and son of Bob Chandler.
Very little is known about him apart from Chris had an eye exam with him on January 6, 2004 and that Chris wasn't aware that he had a daughter by the name of Savannah, making him an uncle and his parents grand-parents.
Suffice to say, this is further evidence that the Chandler family bonds can only be described as "strained" at best.
Considering that Chris fantasizes about fucking his imaginary daughter Crystal and has in the past shown pedo tendencies, it's probably for the best that Chris remains as far away from his jailbait niece as possible.
Cole Smithey
Full Name: Joseph Cole Smithey, Cole is Chris' half-brother and Barbara's first son, who despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother seems to be a pretty normal guy Nah, disregard that, he's a douche.
Cole doesn't get along with the Chandler family and isn't on good terms with Robert or Barbara. Cole hated Bob so much, the only possibility of a touching family reunion between Chris and Cole would have been as soon as "that fuck Bob finally drops".
During Cole's childhood, Barbara abused Cole along with her then-partner Jerry. Then came Bob, who made Cole rage even harder with his mean-spirited Republicanism. Based on experiences with all these men, Cole thinks that Barbara has a "proclivity to isolate herself via scurrilous mates." The translation would be: "She likes to date guys who curse a lot, and obsesses over them." The relevancy of her partners' vernacular is a little puzzling. He's probably just being sesquipedalian. What he was probably trying to say: "She tends to go clubbing with men of questionable stature".
Chris sent Cole an email asking Cole to vote for him in the Parappa The Rapper contest he entered. In return, Chris offered to get the truth out of Barbara. Chris did ask his mother about it, but apparently she lied once again. Chris himself was more interested in the Parappa contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is. This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris.
- Cole currently lives in New York with his wife Katherine, is a movie critic, plays guitar in a mediocre jazz band and holds auctions on eBay so that people can pay $250 to buy him beer. He is now grinning from ear to ear after hearing that the Old Lumberjack has finally gone to that great pine forest in the sky. In a recent posting of Twitter the Chris posted that he wants Cole to come home and take care of their fatass mother, so that he can continue his hopeless Love Quest. The cueball has yet to reply (and for GOOD reasons too).
UPDATE
Some people speculate that Cole has disowned Chris and wishes no contact with Chris because simple observation shows that Cole has blocked Chris on twitter as Chris has to tweet his brother through other people, or worse, it is another of Chris' gay games thinking he can force money out of his brother by embarrassing him in front of others.
Carol Suzanne Chandler
Chris's half-sister and daughter of Bob Chandler.
Carol, according to Chris, is a math "Geinus"(sic) (she won the 1988 Mathematics department McShane award in Virginia).
As with all of the Chandlers' loose family bonding, virtually no information exists about her, but Bob claimed that the last time he spoke to her, she was a government official in D.C.
Pets
—Phil Ken Sebban | ||
Patti Chandler
Patti was Chris's childhood dog who died in 2006 of unknown, but suspicious causes. In an attempt to look like he was attempting to exhibit some sort of affection for Patti, Chris decided to move her dog house to the spot where she was internally bludgeoned by Chris' fist. Of course, this being Chris, the house was only moved a few steps before being abandoned in favor of a refreshing Fanta.
Aside from regularly exhuming and violating her remains, Chris brought Patti back to life in one of his comics, where she somehow gained the ability to walk, talk, and apply for welfare in CWCville.
It was also known before her timely death that Chris, desperate to have a sweetheart, fucked her. Her soul now wanders in CWCville as she is not allowed to rest in peace.
Newfags have often attempted to troll the internet's most famous asspie by making plans to 
dig up his dog. Chris-chan, horrified at the thought of having yet another sex-toy taken away from him, fell for it hook, line, and sinker and warned the trolls (under the username JenkinsJinkies) that the dog's vengeful demonic spirit would attack them. To prove he was not bullshitting, Chris warned them her soul had already attacked him, presumably after burying his penis in her decaying asshole.
Desi Chandler
Cat number one, named after Desi Arnaz.
Not much is known about Desi other than he's fucking huge like the rest of Chris's family.
Desi is not house trained and the Chandlers freely let their cats shit all over the kitchen, which Chris on several occasions has slipped on. This adds further proof (along with Bob's refusal to wash himself and Chris' stench of sweat and piss-stained underwear) that their family is incredibly unhygienic.
Desi does enjoy quite a bit of trolling himself. He enjoys coming in while Chris is fapping and starts screaming his fucking head off, denying him his "comeuppance".
Scamper Chandler
Scamper Chandler, also referred to as Scampers, is the second of Chris's cat petrilogy, and is the only pussy Chrissy will ever see.
Originally confused with Desi, Scamper is a black and white coated cat (obviously).
Very little info about her exists, other than like Desi, she's also not house trained and shits everywhere.
Lucy Chandler
Lucy is the third cat of the Chandlers (Note Barbara is one of those crazy old women types that keeps lots of cats).
Lucy is named after Lucille Ball, (of "I Love Lucy" fame, as it is one of Chris's favorite TV shows).
Suffice to say that Chris vastly preferred his dog as a pet to their many cats.
Skittles Chandler
The fourth known cat of the Chandlers. Nothing is known of Skittles, but given the name it has it can be assumed that it is one of the Chandlers' as only someone batshit crazy or over the age of 50 would name a cat Skittles.
Well, either that or Chris, being the fat cunt that he is, named it after his favorite candy (at least "Skittles" is more dignifying for the cat than to be named after a Sonichu character).
Skittles looks like a half-dead Lynx on crack.
Kitty Chandler
Cat number 5, the final cat (or at least the last cat that there are photos of.) Kitty Chandler seems to be the cat no one really gives a shit about, evidenced by the fact that it is simply named "Kitty". The relationship between Kitty and Chris is hard to make out, because in the first video where Kitty was seen, he/she just looked at Chris and went inside. But in a more recent video, Kitty is seen growling furiously at Chris (like any sane creature would if they were in the hands of a horny autistic virgin willing to fuck anything). Chris acknowledges this by saying "You know how kitties can be sometimes". It is unlikely that Kitty was just in a bad mood and just really, really hated Chris.
R.I. P. Sorbet Chandler
Another one of Fat-ass' pets that follows the food motif showing that lard tard only thinks about food and why he has such a champion, sit and eat all day, buffet champion, grazes all day like a cow, lady-like, obese figure. Recently died after Chris threw a tard fit over Doopie DoOver's rejecting him by throwing Sorbet at a wall.
To be fair, many of Chris' soft in the head fans are saying Sorbet is still alive despite Chris's lack of video evidence which opens up the thought exercise of Schrödinger's cat.
Girlfriend Chandler
Chris' newest cat, making this cat number, we quit counting when he had over 9000 cats, and officially propelled himself into the ranks of crazy cat lady. Much can be inferred from his naming a a hairless cat girlfriend but I am not an arm chair psychologist that could even begin to understand Chris' subtle wit.
Since this is his newest cat and hasn't received the tard hugs, 500 PSI petting and being constantly forced to endure Chris' belief that animal's are property, like his toys, and should always be at the ready to be subjected to whatever batshit crazy game he has come up with it is probably the only thing on this planet that can put up with being in the same room as him.
Other Family Members
Aunt Corrina
Aunt Corrina, (alternatively spelled "Aunt Karina" by Chris for no real reason (and also called Aunt Ocarina by the newfags on IRC)) was one of Christian's favorite aunts and was also the person the Chandlers bought their dog Patti from.
Aunt Karina died on February 21, 2009 and was buried on February 24, 2009, thus ruining Christian's birthday as a post-mortem troll.
The day she was buried was also the Christian holiday Shrove Tuesday (AKA "Pancake Day"). Chris cared more about eating pancakes than the funeral of his own aunt, proving how much of an utter self-centered piece of shit he is.
This is the first stiff Chris has gotten hold of without resorting to a sex doll. (*rimshot*)
Aunt Herriet
Chris' mother's other sister. very little is known about Aunt Herriet (mainly as like the rest of Christian's family, they want to stay the fuck away from him), but she is of true Weston Chandler blood judging by how fucking fat she is and the absolute batshit insane things she does, such as instead of decorating Christmas trees with tinsel and fairy lights, like everyone else does, Herriet loves to cover them with black and white photos of ex-American presidents.
Savannah Chandler
Savannah is Chris's niece and daughter of David Alan Chandler (Chris' half-brother).
Virtually zero information about her exists other than she was eight years old as of 2004 (making her date of birth: 1996 - and current age (as of 2009) to be twelve or thirteen).
It's assumed that Chris has never met Savannah, as he has never provided any further information about her since his January 6, 2004 blog entry about him discovering that she existed.
Jonathan Carey
Jonathan Carey (no relation, they're spelt differently for starters, retard!) is Chris' cousin, who was married on the last weekend of June, 2009 and lives in Red Oak, Virginia. It can be assumed Jonathan is the son of Uncle Raymond.
According to Chris in his interview with ScrewAttack Europe, his presence at the wedding is proof enough that he did not murder Billy Mays.
Uncle Raymond
Uncle Raymond is Chris' uncle, and presumably Jonathan's father. According to Chris, Uncle Raymond can be contacted as a witness to Chris at Jonathan's wedding. Raymond is the brother of Barbera, making Jonathan her nephew.
Coach Jim Tressel
A fairly fuckable and decent football coach who took a piece of shit College Team from Youngstown to championship wins and rode it straight to head coach at OSU. That alone is testament to his skills as a coach. To reiterate, While at YSU he was coaching college football's version of the short bus team. He took a bunch of drool cups and made them champions, this guy should be gazed upon as a god.
Much like Chris, who claims that this is an Uncle, Tressel is no stranger to controversy and corruption and has been bit by life's reset button more than once.
Children
Crystal Chandler
Chris has no children, Cthulhu be praised.
This is worthy of mention not because that Chris has said he will name his daughter Crystal after some Sailor Moon shit if he ever finds anyone stupid enough to spawn with him. We may be safe from this coming apocalypse because Chris feels himself too good for the retarded hatchet-cut, effectively ensuring his virginity long before his tranny phase and experimental entry into assplay.
His future or alternate timeline daughter is being mentioned because when Chris writes or speaks about her, he can't seem to keep her role straight.
In one sentence he will talk about Crystal as how she will be his daughter and then out of no where, she becomes his lover and he starts telling everyone how they'll spend their time fucking all day like Zebras in a Mutual of Omaha Wildlife documentary. Sometimes, she also has a magical power to change age at his whim. Chris will start a sentence with her being an infant that his Mother or someone else is taking care of and at the end of that same sentence, Crystal will be 18 and giving him a hummer.
This shows that Chris has no concept of family or its societal norms as he can so easily flip from seeing a character in his imagination as his daughter to a lover. Thinking back on some of the people who have reported about his whining on youtube about his mother bitching about his getting grabby with her when they were forced to spoon in the same bed after his house fire, I can only thank GOD he doesn't have kids.
Friends
Internet Friends
#CWCProtectSquad
The CWCProtectSquad is another attempt by Chris Chan to convince the world that the internet is his very own plaything and answers to his every whim.
It's best compared to his past ideas where he believed sites like Encyclopedia Dramatica or the retard collection over at Kiwi Farms should be his personal armies and obey any and all his orders because Chris Chan gives the precious gift of laughter with all his recorded sperging events.
Unlike other attempts at a personal army or pretending that he has friends like Sock Puppetting made up fans like newwaveknight1 all of Chris' so called protectors are women. Chris Chan is the human equivalent of Shark Repellent when it comes to women and he wants us to believe that he has an army of girls that will defend him when he can't even get a girl to come near him IRL without Paying her first.
If anyone has observed Chris for some time you can start to see many of these self appointed protectors of Chris all have the same speech eccentricities as Chris when they speak in sentences of more than 3 words. Some if these people on Twitter include: Desiree Delightful @MissLadyLikely, Katie @PrincessPony222, Night Star @NightStar2891 and Derpi 'Andi' Hooves @MLPGal. Most people with an IQ over 20 have realized this because this Protection Squad only seems to post when Chris is being trolled, none of them have any pics in their media, they all seem to live in Virginia and have names that deal with and obsession of Chris'.
IRL Friends
GodBear
Leonard Bearstein✡, aka "The Bear," and more commonly known as "GodBear" to trolls, was a jobbing English actor in a bear suit who played in the Bear Band at the Regency Square Shopping Mall during Christopher's childhood. When the young Christopher told Bearstein his name, Bearstein misheard and called him "Christian".
The young Christopher apparently interpreted this as a sign from God, rather than a mis-hearing from an unemployable Limey in a furry suit, and decided to change his name to Christian, which happened in late 1993. Christopher's father Bob had originally wanted to name his son Christian anyway, but pussied out.
During the Liquid saga, Chris frequently used his birth name to differentiate himself from the "impostor," stating that he's the only Christian Weston Chandler who was born Christopher Weston Chandler (though Liquid made no claims to the contrary).
This name change has also apparently given him split personalities, which is bullshit because multiple personality disorder doesn't work that way, unless this other personality emerged much earlier in his life when he was abused as a child. But then again, this is probably a bunch of made up shit that Chris made up to get the trolls to somehow have sympathy for him. If none of those reasons, this is probably a sign that he's finally gone off the deep end, but then again only Chris would befriend a limey-furry and change his life around because of him.
Rocky Shoemaker
Rocky Shoemaker (real name: Rochelle Shoemaker) is a pastoral counsellor (actual title - "Assistant Pastor for Care Ministries") at the Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church, who advised Chris on several matters, and is best described as the only IRL White Knight in Chris' life. Rocky is responsible for prematurely ending many a lulzy saga going as far back as the Miyamoto Saga. Bitch.
In the year of Our Lord 2009, Rocky brought about the end of the Ivy Era by pushing Chris to go to the police about Ivy. This wasn't the first time she wanted to call the cops, either - Julie and PandaHalo have both incurred her wrath in the past.
The last straw came in the form of Joshua Martinez, (aka Vanessa Hudgens), who tried to swindle some money out of Chris by trading him a PSP. After that, Shoemaker made Bob Chandler and Barb contact the cops who tried to find Ivy and even managed to get a background check on her and came up with nothing, mainly because she didn't exist.
In a recent IRC chat Chris, under the belief the trolls did not know who he was, suggested that the trolls force him to rape Rocky. Thus proves Chris has carnal feelings towards his church counsellor and possibly material for a future saga.
Enemies
IRL Enemies
Mary Lee Walsh
Mary Lee Walsh is the real life Dean of Student Affairs at the Piedmont Valley Community College.
In the past, Chris had been scolded by her for passing around photocopies of his Sonichu News Dash newsletter, and finally the crushing blow was delivered when Chris was loitering with his usual Boyfriend-Free-Girl-attracting signs, and Walsh tore down his sign and told him that he would never get a girlfriend this way, or ever.
Ms. Walsh has since become Chris' arch-nemesis throughout the whole Sonichu series, and solely blames her for not having a boyfriend-free girl. She is depicted in his comics as a bald old woman with a viking hat, a pitchfork, a scepter which contains her evil powers, and occasionally a flying broomstick. At her disposal is a battalion of jerkops who she has parade around Virginia, ruining all relationships. It is also made evident that she has outlawed love and has a personal vendetta against Chris and his hedgehog-Pokémon pals.
Joshua Martinez
Joshua Martinez was a friend who carpooled to James Madison University for special education with Christian (although they may have met at a church function). They hung out after school in Harrisonburg, where they would eat at a restaurant called "Country Cookin'" and mull about an abandoned airplane. Josh claims to have cousins in a fairly popular band, which is the supposed basis for meeting the likes of Jessica Alba, Britney Spears, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox, and Jessica Simpson.
Long before BlueSpike appeared, Joshua was the first troll to pretend to be a woman to fuck with Chris. He faked a hookup with a girl named Lori Lopez, chatted with Chris as her, and sent him supposed photos of her. These images were actually of Vanessa Hudgens. The truly hilarious part of this is Joshua closed communication as her by confiding her love for Josh to Chris. Eventually Chris discovered that he was trolled, and (as he does about everything that happens to him) wrote about it in his comic.
After Chris discovered he was a lolcow, he tried diverting attention from himself to Joshua by getting trolls to attack him. Of course, no one obliged.
In early 2009, Josh served as a sort of Eastern front for the trolling war on Chris, as he impersonated pop star Vanessa Hudgens of "High School Musical" fame.
- The trolling culminated in Josh attempting to sell a special PSP to Chris for "Vanessa", yet trolls started to suspect that Josh was doing so for personal gain and not for the lulz. Furthermore, involvements with Vanessa were interfering with the success of Ivy, not to mention Josh isn't exactly too bright either and trolls aborted the operation. Josh's involvement ended with Chris canceling the check as instructed by Ivy, yet Chris refused to return the PSP because "Vanessa would be upset." It was retard vs. retard. Place your bets.
- Josh has since stopped talking to Chris.
- Joshua currently works as a "gofer" at ProBuild in Charlottesville, Virginia. Much like Chris, he is also pursuing a career in the arts with works that look like Vincent Van Gogh compared to Chris' shit. Much unlike Chris, he has a daily jogging and weightlifting regimen (isn't a fatass, but still a retard).
Wes Iseli
Wesley Iseli (referred to by Chris as the "Magician Jerk") is an illusionist, warlock and owner of entertainment agency Party Magic, based in Ruckersville, Virginia. He was a schoolmate of Chris's, and dated Sarah Hammer, Chris' long-time female friend. On one occasion Chris saw Sarah sitting in Wes's lap, which made Chris visibly jealous; this incident was important enough (to Chris, anyway) to document in his comics, earning Wes a place as electric hedgehog Pokémon villain WesLi Sonichu.
Chris regards losing Sarah to Wes to be the beginning of his Love Quest, and blames Wes for all the misfortunes that have befallen him thereafter, notably the incident where he was manhandled by the Jerkops of the Fashion Square Mall.
The GAMe PLACe Staff
responsible for the infamous Chris-chan photo,
Sadly all kudos he had from said photograph has now been lost now we know he's a fat, four-eyed, neckbearded weeaboo. Awesome afro on him, though.
AKA Daniel "Mimms" and Lucas White (the manager Michael Snyder is categorized below). Chris became enemies of the staff members of The GAMe PLACe after he suspected that one of them was responsible for the infamous ED photo. Mimms was the first target, and was subjected to an interrogation of sorts when Chris's ancient parents barged into the store throwing around terrible logic and lolsuit threats. After an understanding was reached (read: the Chandlers being forcibly ejected from the store by management), Mimms was declared innocent and sights were set on Lucas. See the e-mails for details on Chris's incredible sleuthing skills. It all ended in a "confrontation" at the Smash Bros. Brawl release tournament at the GameStop in Hollymead.
- Chris once argued with a huge black guy named TJ who used to frequent the shop. Obviously, Chris was in the wrong. When they started talking about how Chris would never get laid, Chris yelled, "I'm going to smack your effing face down!" As TJ stood up like he was going to beat Chris's ass, Chris shrunk and whimpered, "I mean your face down monster...". This story was later verified by Mimms.
- Christian decided for the subtle approach to indicate he knew Lucas was responsible with the now infamous CWC-ism: "Well, that's something new you didn't know about 'be-4' about this 'Chan'." Please note: Chris's definition of subtlety is the equivalent of smashing someone in the face with a cinderblock.
- He got his fat high functioning autistic ass permanently b& by Michael from the store a few months later, after going behind the store counter and arguing with children.
- Chris, back from his two week long lapse in activity (his actual hiatus was 36 hours, he just only barely did shit since then), has obviously started trying once more to get unb&. This video was uploaded by Chris, but then taken down, and then reuploaded by some other guy, only to show what a jackass Chris is. This image recently posted on CWCipedia's front page suggests that Chris has indeed been trying to get back in The GAMe PLACe, or at least is trying to resolve his hatred against the staff within. Oh, and how nice of the faggot! He left the phone number. Anybody feel like favoring Mr. Snyder with an interview? No?
- Chris, back from his two week long lapse in activity (his actual hiatus was 36 hours, he just only barely did shit since then), has obviously started trying once more to get unb&.
Michael Snyder
- Michael Snyder (Schneider) is the manager at The GAMe PLACe and the hero responsible for permabanning Chris from the store. According to Chris, Michael hated his guts (it's easy to see why).
- Although Chris had fumblingly attempted to apologize to Michael in a video in March 2009, his clumsy facade of contrition is not difficult to see through. In his I Am The TRUE, Original Christopher Christian Weston Chandler; No Ifs, Ands or Buts video, Chris still clearly harbors resentment about being banned, at one point adding the following annotation:
- On 12 April 2010 Chris confronted Michael in an attempt to get back into the Game Place. In Chris's anger, Chris ends up calling him a Jew as an insult.
- Based on comments from earlier in the audio recording, Chris seems to have jumped to his conclusion about Michael's religion on account of his last name. In fact, "Schneider" is a German surname meaning "tailor" (and "Snyder" descends from the Dutch word for "cutter"). While some German Jews might have wound up with the name, it doesn't necessarily denote Jewish heritage at all.
- In a more recent video, Chris links Michael to a conspiracy he believes the Greene County school board have staged against him to keep him down, and calls Michael "GOD-DAMN, GREEDY ... SNYDER", greed being a another Jewish stereotype, and wishes him to hell together with the trolls. Chris seems to restrain himself from calling Snyder a "greedy Jew".
—Michael Snyder to the above | ||
Jason Kendrick Howell
Jason Kendrick Howell, having the same first and last initials as Jimmy Hill, is the presumed creator of the original Encyclopedia Dramatica page. Made Christian angry and wanted to call the police on him for him having sex with an underage girl. He never did have that underage sex, and was threatened by Chris with the infamous threat "I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD!" and then he got faceraped to death by Rosechu. Also, Chris thinks Jason=moot and that 4chan (or "4-Cent Garbage" in asspie speak) is a huge building. With pictures on every floor. Big pictures.
Two years after starting the page, he was interviewed here.
Previous Video | Next Video |
Adam Stackhouse
Adam Stackhouse was the eventual winner of the infamous "Parappa the Rapper PSP Contest" that Christian felt he himself should have won and has thus harbored a grudge against Stackhouse ever since.
In order to win, Chris had orchestrated a mass spamming of votes via dummy sockpuppet accounts, so that he would not only win a PSP for his then love interest Megan, but also claim the prize of an all expenses paid trip for two to the 2007 Penny Arcade Expo, which he had hoped to also bring Megan on and eventually make love to her in their shared hotel room, losing his "virgin with rage" moniker once and for all.
Thus, Adam had inadvertently cock blocked Chris, by simply being more talented.
In a huge display of hypocrisy, Christian wanted to get back at Adam for cheating (as he used more than one person in the video, and used music in the background, which didn't count as it was beatboxing he did himself), despite the fact that not only had he also cheated by registering some ungodly number of fake accounts to win but also blackmailing his brother to vote as well.
- Chris-chan's Failing entry to the contest... WARNING: This video will make you autistic.
Jerkops/Manajerks
Marcus Baggett
Police Officer Marcus Baggett works for the Albemarle County Police Department, and is the "Jerkop of all Jerkops" who arrested Chris at the Target. Not much is known about his personal life, but we do know he was commended by the local House of Delegates for his selfless commitment to public safety after stepping down from his squad car to rescue two people from a smoking restaurant, shortly before it erupted into flames.
Naturally, despite Baggett's brave heroism, Chris goes to great lengths to demonize him.
Chris also finds his surname highly amusing, as it sounds a bit like "faggot" to him.
Again, as with Mary Lee Walsh, "Baggett" has appeared in Chris' Sonichu series as an enemy trying to stop him getting his ONE and TRUE love.
ScotPalazzo
ScotPalazzo is the only man on the planet to spell his first and last name without using a space.
ScotPalazzo was the first Manajerk Chris had encountered, ScotPalazzo was based upon the manager of the Fashion Square Mall, re-christened the Fa-Square of Sho-Mall Region in Sonichu #4.
Chris's experiences in Fashion Square Mall were documented earlier in the series when he battled the Jerkhief and got trolled hard by Hanna, but Scotpalazzo himself would not be introduced until Sub-Episode 6, when he expressed envy for Chris and his made-up TV show "CWC's Backyard Safari". Scott was clearly redesigned to resemble Lord Il Palazzo from Excel Saga, and depicted as a jaded misanthrope who blamed love for his mother's murder-suicide.
Sweethearts/Gal Pals
—One of Chris' rules for potential gal pals | ||
IRL Gal Pals
Megan Schroeder
with her brother John. Proof of their relationship can be seen in the familial trait of the same heavy brow ridge.
Megan Schroeder is the poor schmoe cursed with witnessing Chris's wrath first hand.
A typical truly boyfriend-free girl, with a few eccentricities that Chris-Chan was more than happy to copy and fulfill, namely her like for My Little Pony and Sailor Moon, along with the subtle furfag tendencies. Another thing to note is she also had a fondness for drawing Sonic and Sailor Moon templates and coloring them in as Pokémon and her slightly troubling interest in the Nazis.
Her brother John (while little information of him is known) appears to be retarded, which may explain why she was able to put up with Christian for as long as she did.
Megan is now out of the picture after Chris uploaded his infamous drawings of him finger banging her on ED.
READ MOAR ABOUT THE MEGAN SAGA HERE.
Sarah Hammer
Sarah Hammer (Real name: Charlene Ann Suchess) (October 13, 1982 - February 12, 2016) was a childhood gal pal of Christian from age two until Christian moved away when they were both approximately ten years old. Charlene was born in Washington, DC, but the family had moved to Charlottesville in early 1984. Chris met Charlene again when he entered PVCC. By 2005 Chris had come to regard her as his best and closest friend, although Chris seems to suggest that he hasn't had much contact with her as compared to childhood.
Chris continues to cherish many important memories with Charlene, such as riding swing sets and playing hide and seek. Once Charlene tried to teach Chris to roller-skate, but Chris fell down and BAWWWWled.
Chris and Charlene were the same age and may have attended the same elementary school, but Chris moved to Richmond to attend middle school. For most normal people this would probably be the end of the relationship.
Chris has suggested that he did not originally view Charlene as a potential sweetheart; this decision apparently came later.
Charlene later went on to date Wes Iseli, hence Chris's grudge against Wes. Chris now believes that she is married to a William Spicer.
In reality, she later became one of the creaters of the current Cwcki pages and until her death, she managed the Chronicles of Chris Chan series. This may have shown her true feelings of Chris's inclusion of her as a Sweet Heart of his, apart from the fact that her grandmother's name was put in place of her real name. Although that may suggest that Charlene was not the real one Chris was after. (hint hint) She was killed in a car accident near Washington DC on February 12, 2016.
Anna McLerran
Anna McLerran (born July 30, 1985) met Chris through her job at the Pac Sun in the Fashion Square Mall. Chris has a tendency to pace in the store-front of various stores. The events occurring shortly after he decided to stop annoying the employees at Abercrombie & Fitch and start annoying the employees at the Pac Sun were what inspired her short story "The Tale of the Crazy Pacer" about an overweight man-child who stinks like he shit himself a month ago and hasn't bothered to change his pants, who speaks to himself, solicits girls with an oversized billboard, while wearing a "yellow Sonic" medallion and piss-stained jeans.
She currently resides in Salt Lake City, Utah, far from Chris, working as a Shipping Manager for the Family First Foundation and going to LDS Business school trying to get some bullshit Executive Assistant degree. She has an ambiguous relationship with the trolls, sometimes acting as a source of content and sometimes antagonizing them to curry favor with Chris.
Anna has announced plans to write a book encompassing the life and failure of Chris-chan. We wish her all the best on her project.
She is a Mormon and thus required to be nice to everyone including Chris, so she will never be an effective troll despite plenty of opportunity.
On the CWCipedia, Chris notes that she has gone lesbian. He states that he has no problem with this.
Kellie Andes
Chris's crush in high school. She rejected him like any normal woman would. Kellie Made a brief cameo in Issue 7.
For her 18th birthday, Chris made her...a Sonichu sweater! (seen in pic). She also likes black men (evidenced by the fact she married a black dude). Maybe this why Chris is so racist?
She is also possibly the inspiration for "Kel" in the Sonichu comics.
Internet Gal Pals
Lilith Lovett
Probably the most yawn inducing of all these stories because nothing happened but it is being told as a "How to" example of what one should do when Chris Chan comes knocking on your door.
It seems that Lilith was one of Chris Chan's original Twitter love quests. The way the story goes is Chris Chan was cruising Twitter looking for a girl to stalk and found Lilith Lovett. Ignoring her Bio where she openly admits that she is a Male to Female Transgender Chris Chan Started hitting on her.
Being nothing like Doopie DoOver and trying to avoid Drama, Lilith kicked Chris Chan squarely in the balls and admitted everything in one letter saying she was not interested in him.
Anyone who knows at least one Chris Chan story knows how this ended. Chris quickly went into his Hulk rage mode and accused Lilith of being a real and honest girl who was just pretending to be a male to female Transgender because she was like everyone on the internet and wanted to play kick the autistic.
This is probably the origin of where Doopie's army of unwashed boys tried to get Chris Chan to stop following Doopie by admitting that she's a Tranny.
So remember kiddies, dont do what Doopie did. If you want to keep your sanity and not have Kiwi Farms showing up at your house to dig in your garbage cans and recylables for Christory on trash-day, it's best to treat Chris like a stray dog and when he shows up scratching at your door: just kick him in the face rather than feed him.
LadyOfTheCosmos
Lady Of The Cosmos is proof that you can do everything right when it comes to Chris Chan but if the aspertards at Kiwi Farms just don't like you they'll pick apart everything you do.
Much like Lilith Lovett, Lady of The Cosmos tried to nip Chris' amorous intents in the bud and halt him before any drama began by quickly putting him in his place and telling chris where she stood when he started hitting on her.
Kiwi Farms quickly followed up by saying that Lady Of The Cosmos was being unfairly mean to Chris because she said word for word that there will never be anything between her and Chris Chan. Maybe it was because Lady Of The Cosmos didn't lead Chris on or give them any laughs but Kiwi Farms said that Chris hadn't really done anything to deserve such outright cruel treatment from her, all he did was use terms of endearment like Dear and Sweetheart in regards to her despite modern society suggesting the using of such Pet Names as out and out sexist and misogynistic.
The irony of this is Doopie DoOver is hailed as a hero by Kiwi Farms for actively seeking out Chris, engaging him first, outright trolling him and then going totally batshit crazy because Chris made an ambigious statement that he and Doopie aren't close YET whether it was meant as lovers or just friends and Lady Of The Cosmos who is an innocent party and did nothing wrong gets treated like a villain because she committed the transgression of not giving the 14 year old autistic, virgin boys of Kiwi Farms any laughs before telling Chris Chan to fuck off.
Blanca Weiss
Blanca, apparently Chris' girlfriend at some point, managed to get hold of Chris's medallions towards the end of 2008, but turned out to be The Man in the Pickle Suit.
PandaHalo
PandaHalo (Real Name: Annie Mills) is Chris's EX-TRUE and HONEST sweetheart. LIVED in South-Australia. Definitely A TROLL.
She is carrying Clyde Cash's child which Chris has promised to look after as his own. He also sent PandaHalo a PSP that was originally intended for Megan.
Chris has now convinced himself that PandaHalo died in the 2009 Victorian bushfires, even though she lives over 1,000 kilometers away in South Australia.
In recent CWCipedia updates, Chris no longer believes that PandaHalo died. Rather, he believes that she married Clyde Cash, and happily lives with him and their son. Chris wished them a happy marriage (note: he was totally bullshitting).
Kimmi (Julaaay!)
Full name: Kimmi the Anime Love Doll. Chris has a reputation of dumping girls at a whim, but on the 20th of February, the entire Sonichu community was shocked and appalled when they learned the news that Chris had cheated on his only ONE and TRUE love, Officer Nasty, for some chink slut by the name of Kimmi.
The shocking events were uncovered due to the leaking of the infamous CWCikigate video a video so shocking, it made the Paris Hilton sex tapes look like something that would be shown on the Disney channel.
Needless to say, Kimmi also noticed Chris's womanizing traits straight away when he constantly referred to her as Julay.
Ivy O'Neil
- A former sweetheart who Chris insisted was not a troll. Aside from the known facts about Ivy, such as being an Irish ginger with a pair of pet hermit crabs and a police chief (ethnic stereotype?) dad who resembled Coach McGuirk, she was mostly an enigma. She was assumed to be a clone of Blanca, or maybe an attempt to troll the trolls by making up a fake girlfriend. Some say Kimmi was actually Ivy and that the picklesuit-men had finally broken Chris's mind, but those people are wrong because Chris was always a mindless fuck.
- CWC first mentions Ivy probably in this video-though given his track record for rapidly deleting videos soon after making them, it's impossible to know for sure-, suggesting heavily that she is, perhaps, more than a gal-pal. This is written in the info box:
- CWC first mentions Ivy probably in this
—Sincerely Christian Weston Chandler | ||
- CWC's videos put the very existence of Ivy into doubt. It is very possible that Chris had finally gone off the deep end and believed his sex-doll to be a girl named "Ivy". [1] Though we, as loyal viewers, were very fearful that we might have to bear yet another sex-doll video while he and Ivy consummated their relationship, Chris decided to instead fuck up the very meaningful internet relationship he had with Ivy by cybercheating on her with "Vanessa". [2] Thankfully for Chris (and for our lulz) it appeared as though his inflatable Ivy eventually forgave him, as he soon proceeded take his non-relationship to the next step. [3]
- CWC's videos put the very existence of Ivy into doubt. It is very possible that Chris had finally gone off the deep end and believed his sex-doll to be a girl named "Ivy".
- However, the honeymoon of happiness was cut short after Christian announced to ED that he had worked out the truth about Ivy, finally accepting the ginger bitch was just a troll.
—Chris-chan's comment on his talk page | ||
- We still fully expect the video of Chris-Chan singing "I Will Survive" to be up soon.
- Chris's dad convinced him that Ivy was a troll, but later on trolls convinced him that Ivy was real and she killed herself. Now Chris has nightmares about it, like you will have nightmares when you see this picture Chris drew of himself and Ivy (above).
- It should be noted that Ivy was, arguably, the most “important” sweetheart Chris has ever had. Chris seemed to have harbored a certain fascination with her not yet replicated with any of his other gal-pals. In addition to having her appear in nearly every comic he drew from March to mid May of 2009, he made a series of disturbing videos addressed to her wherein he assumed a patronizing, creepy tone of affection and attempted to sing while declaring his love for her, like this one. It remains unclear why Ivy became the most memorable of his many failed love affairs, and to date, no particular individual has come forward and accepted responsibility for her short existence.
- It should be noted that Ivy was, arguably, the most “important” sweetheart Chris has ever had. Chris seemed to have harbored a certain fascination with her not yet replicated with any of his other gal-pals. In addition to having her appear in nearly every comic he drew from March to mid May of 2009, he made a series of disturbing videos addressed to her wherein he assumed a patronizing, creepy tone of affection and attempted to sing while declaring his love for her, like this
- Troll's remorse, much?
Kacey
- Her real name is Siana Riven Duckworth.
cherrysodabubbles (Archived) A few weeks after The Real Chris Chan reappeared, he made a video stating that his fiancee, Kacey, had apparently been consorting with the impostor, Ian Brandon Anderson, in his absence. He claimed that Kacey confessed to have fallen in love with the greasy, racist, sexist, autistic, virgin man-child, or at least had been close to doing so. Impostor Chris, having realized that this was the closest he had ever been in the whole of his twenty-seven years to having a real, tangible girlfriend immediately began to make videos begging Kacey to leave the Real Chris Chan and date him. According to Impostor Chris' diatribe during his many pleas for Kacey's love, he is of the mind that it is only 50% of Kacey's choice as to who she's with, the other half being his.
- Her real name is Siana Riven Duckworth.
- If impostor Chris' intention was to make himself more unappealing, blatantly attempting to steal another man's fiancee was definitely the way to go. However, the only real relevance this held to the captivated audience of Chris vs. Chris, was the possibility of another singing duel to the death over the love of a woman. It seemed possible that while the two foes battled it out, Kacey would lose interest and decide to date the ghost of Clyde Cash.
- Also, one item of interest that has continued to gain more notoriety on YouTube is a phone recording between Impostor Chris and Kacey. After listening to the conversation for less than a minute, it becomes clear that Kacey is under the impression she is speaking to the brown-shirted-and far-superior- Chris Chan. Impostor Chris makes no effort to correct her and navigates through the course of the conversation, and Kacey's questions that only the TRUE and HONEST CWC would know the answers to, less than gracefully. This proves that Kacey is, perhaps, not at all aware there is a second Chris and simply believes that whenever the Impostor attempts to speak with her, it's her true love, causing epic confusion between all parties involved.
- Also, one item of interest that has continued to gain more notoriety on YouTube is a
- It also proves that Ian Brandon Anderson is the opposite of TRUE and HONEST and is not to be trusted.
- But to the loyal viewers of this epic saga who are well aware of Impostor Chris' past antics, a revealing phone conversation wasn't necessary evidence.
- Sometime last Thursday, another phone conversation between Ian, Kacey, and later, Real Chris, surfaced on YouTube. Though the conversation runs on for close to an hour, the basic gist is that Kacey is pissed about Ian's latest installment to the comic of fail in which he is depicted shooting Real Chris. Having finally realized that Ian is a sick fuck with no shame or conscience, Kacey tells him to get bent and agrees to marry the Real Chris.
- Sometime last Thursday, another
- Ian uploaded a grand total of one video in which he pretends to baaaw about losing his "true sweetheart", Kacey. Really, he's just butthurt for getting cock-blocked by Chris, because the next two videos he proceeded to upload (starting two days after) show him to be in a state of complete contentment and ignorance of Kacey's existence.
- Ian uploaded a grand total of
- So, assuming that phone conversation was the end of the Kacey/Ian/Chris love triangle, it now probably qualifies as one of the most anti-climactic and disappointing of all Ian's attempts at true love. However, it is a well-known fact by trolls and seasoned "CWC" audience members alike that no lady can escape the wrath of Ian unless she reveals herself to be a 13-year-old sock puppet controlled by Clyde Cash or stages her own death. Given that Kacey has done neither, it is likely that Ian will begin a second pursuit before too long, which means it might only be a matter of days before he debuts his second blow-up doll sex tape entitled, "KAYYCCAAAYY!".
The Wallflower
Her real name is Heather Dalley. Some chick who Chris has recently dedicated a video to. It seems that Chris had known her for a while, and wanted to rape her (but that's a given, nothing unusual). He refuses to reveal her name, using the pen name, "Damian Antaria". However, like his former rape target Megan, Antaria rejected his advances, claiming to not be ready. Naturally, she finds a boyfriend who isn't the Christian Weston Chandler we know and love, causing a load of butthurt from the manchild. He even starts begging, for Christ's sake. He yells about how he has heartache since "last Wednesday". After this begging, he goes on a rant about "paying $100 for a hooker". Then again, it's fully possible that Antaria is actually a homosexual guy and that Chris really is gay. Or, perhaps it's another BlueSpike in the making. Chris has only posted one video on The Wallflower so far.
- In his latest video, Chris yells at Surfshack Tito, some Hawaiian dude who hacked his PSN. He complains that Tito "stole" The Wallflower from him (making The Wallflower either another Sarah/Megan or a reverse Kacey). Oh, but he doesn't stop there! He also calls Tito a womanizing rapist (hypocrisy much?), a troll (expected), and a nigger. No, seriously, Chris says "nigger". Tito is the only troll we know of so far to drive Chris to the point of racial slurs.In his latest CWCipedia updates, Chris mentions The Wallflower several times. Apparently, he met The Wallflower at a social club, and she was an avid fanfiction writer. They decided to write a book series together, and to go out (bullshit on the second part, seriously). You know why that's a load of bull? Because he started molesting her and MAKING OUT WITH HER. Apparently, she liked it. Ha, no. Anyway, this book series was going to be some gay/furry crossover or something. Whatever. Point being, Chris made a LittleBigPlanet level about it, and he used the name "Damien Antaria" (yes, he spells "Damien" as "Damian" in the video) for The Wallflower. Most trolls decided to not interfere and to let things take their proper course. Naturally, one troll found her Facebook after doing some Googling, and showed it to The Wallflower - who became enraged and cut off all connections with Chris. He's still butthurt about it. He also believes that The Wallflower has gone asexual, which he rages against, largely out of indignant frustration at the realization that he's basically the man-tranny Medusa of relationships, instantly driving any would be "sweetheart" to locking up their snatch tighter than a nun's nether regions and committing to a vow of absolute celibacy just to avoid even the remotest possibility of ever actually having sexual intercourse with Chris.
- In
Jackie
Only the 9000th troll to lure Chris. He found her on a dating site. After a while she got bored but apparently they still talk now and then.
Doopie DoOver
Best read here as she has her own article.
Basically an E-whore looking for E-fame who thought that if she trolled chris into thinking she was Chris's girlfriend people would reward her with donations and buy her bad art.
Jessica Quinn
Newest gal-pal, girl friend of Chris Chan and most obviously a fake because in Batman the name Quinn refrences the notorious cock tease Harley Quinn and Jessica refers back to a character that was kidnapped by Professor Pyg.
Jessica's ordeal with Professor Pyg was so traumatic that she ended up acquiring Stockholm Syndrome and fell in love with Professor Pyg.
Pop up the corn kids, lets hope this troll is smarter than the trans-gender Doopie DoOver who quit half-way through the game because he couldn't take getting trolled.
Just like we predicted, she was a troll. You heard it here first.
A day before she and Chris were supposed to meet, Jessica claimed her Facebook was hacked by trolls and blamed Chris' constant, vain glorious behaviour of playing to them for her being hacked and broke up with him, sending Chris into an angry Youtube tirade.
Trolls
Hanna
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The original troll of CWC.
Hanna is notable for smashing Chris's heart down to 15% after a "dare" she made with her colleagues to go on a "mini date" with Chris. Little is known about Hanna except that she work(ed)s at the Starbucks in Fashion Square Mall and likes Chuck "Paladuck".
Chris's run-in with Hanna was memorably told in Chris's comic of Subepisode 2 "The Rise & Fall Of My Heart".
Jimmy Hill
James William Thomas Hill OBE (or "Jimmy" Hill as he's affectionately called by his millions of Sonichu fans) is an 80-year-old English ex-football (Soccer) player and BBC sports commentator who also IS the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of Sonichu, and has copyrighted Sonichu and related characters (as well as gained animation rights) in Europe and Japan, because of imitators stealing his creation.
Jimmy is currently in talks about producing a Sonichu game for the Xbox (never on PS3) in Europe and Japan and produces the Sonichu animated (anime) series which is currently the top animated show in many European countries and is the first cartoon to have an openly gay character.
Since BILLY MAYS, the right honourable mayor of CWCville, passed away in more than suspicious circumstances some time last thursday (Billy Mays was found with a ShamWow! around his neck; of course, this was to mislead the police about the identity of the true murderer - Ian Brandon Anderson), Jimmy Hill has taken over the position of mayor, much to the annoyance of Chris who was hellbent on taking charge of the city.
He also responsible for making the world "Think Bike"...
In July 2009, he announced on his website that he had retired and passed on the flame to The REAL Chris-chan.
Robert Simmons V
Robert Simmons V was an anti-troll who befriended Christian Weston Chandler on JewTube. He had a Sonichu medallion of his own, talked in a loud monotone, liked Sailor Moon (and very kindly wished that CWC would also have Sailor Moon for a daughter), and performed a song he wrote for Chris, complete with a sequence in which he heroically smote the Death ED and Robotnikjerks.
The events that took place in Bob's life also coincided with Christian's life, from account hacking, to getting the medallion taken. Bob seems to have a slightly disturbing relationship with his sinister cousin Andrew Simmons I, who is not a good actor, that seems to parallel Chris' own Fem-dom/Male-sub kink.
Robert Simmons V has also appeared in Sonichu #7 in the radio interview with Jiggliami.
On February 21, 2009, Bob had taken down all of his videos and eventually closed his account from his disgust of Chris.
But Bob made one final appearance on the trolling scene by traveling to Ruckersville and meeting Chris and his father at the their church.
Man in the Pickle Suit
Arch-Nemesis of Chris-Chan whom he blames whenever he is tricked or conned.
Chris actually believes this is a real person. Since he also believes said nigger is after him and behind all the recent trollings, basically anyone can become the Pickle Suit Man. As such, The Man in the Pickle Suit has now become the figure most Trolls anonymize as.
Lordsillynipples (a faggot) wants people to believe he is "the one true creator of the pickle negro". After posing as Blanca Weiss to troll CWC in early August 2008, Silly failed to make Chris believe that Blanca was indeed a black transvestite in a pickle costume. Regardless; ever since then, Chris fears the picklepeople.
Clyde Cash
Clyde Cash is the older brother of suicide victim Ryan Cash who decided to take vengeance on Chris after his brother killed himself when Chris refused to make further Sonichu comics.
His first act of trolling was to tell Chris that he raped PandaHalo, but this had no effect on Mr. Chandler (Chris being the self-centered shit that he is), as he simply moved onto the next gal-pal.
Clyde then stalked Julie and began issuing demands to Chris such as cleaning his room. In the end, it was revealed that Julie had been a 13 year old boy and that Clyde staged the whole thing.
He posed as Gregg Mays (a web designer working for Nintendo) to gain access to Sonichu.net. As ransom, he told Chris to make a video proclaiming he was gay only to be refuted. He then told Chris to make a video declaring his straightness. Eventually, Chris regained access to the site. Striking again, Mays worked with a troll and got rid of the domain. Chris, being resilient, bought Sonichu.info. With the help of PandaHalo, Clyde managed to gain access. Then, still being resilient, Chris bought SonichuandRosechu.com. With the help of Julie, Clyde managed to gain access yet again.
Clyde Cash was found dead on May 23, 2009. He was found in his apartment in a pool of blood. Suicide seems plausible; however, Chris had made a lot of videotaped death threats shortly before Clyde died. So just like with the murder of David Carradine, foul play may not be ruled out for Clyde's death. Goodnight sweet prince. :'(
Despite his death, many of Clyde's accounts continue to be used and there are signs that his spirit is not at rest.
One indication of a possible poltergeist situation is the fact that Chris continues to acknowledge harassment from Clyde and has even invited him, as of October 14th, 2009, to Ruckersville to settle the endless discord once and for all. There is little that can explain this mind boggling phenomenon, unless Chris' delusion has finally taken over his mind completely, or that Clyde's spirit has, as mentioned, managed to troll beyond the grave. Chris also believes that Clyde is now married to PandaHalo.
When Chris-Chan goes to prison, Clyde will be there, waiting for him. Laughing, and staring. Just hope that he doesn't drop the soap.
BlueSpike
BlueSpike (aka LeonSpike) is a 13 year old boy ("a 13 year old brat" according to Chris) who trolled Chris through two identities, one of which was a new "sweetheart". He trolled Chris under two aliases, first "Julie" and later her so-called brother "Max".
On March 3, 2009, he revealed he was both Julie and Max.
On March 5, 2009, a whole troll war on ED broke out with split decisions on BlueSpike's actions with Chris. Had he gone too far and broken the law, or was he himself being used as bait to troll Chris from Clyde Cash?
The trolling did produce lulz such as Chris admitting he tried the anal beads and the butt-dildo, the sex tape where he fucks the blowup doll, how some gay people made a float dedicated to Chris in college, how Chris hates everything that isn't Aryan, and other stuff. However, the fact is most of the trolling involved BlueSpike having phone sex with Chris for hours each night, disgustingly listening to the guy fap. As BlueSpike was completely in control of Chris, he could have done something else, but night after night he engaged in nothing but noisy phone sex and listened to Chris very loudly jack off. Draw your own conclusions about BlueSpike's sexuality.
Emily
Emily (AKA Agent 99) is Chris's one-time sweetheart whom he went on a date with. The date memorably ended in disaster when he was trolled IRL by the Man in the Pickle Suit - literally, a man in a pickle suit.
In March 2009, shortly after Julie turned out to be a 13 year old boy, Chris vowed that he would return to his real life exploits of stalking women in public places in order to gain his sweetheart. Emily, a journalism student and head of the Sonichu Girls Fan Club chapter at West Virginia University (and totally not a troll), decided to take Chris up on his offer and asked if he'd like to go out to lunch sometime.
Chris actually stood up Emily the first time because he was so stressed from his parents arguing if she was real or not. Bob believed that Emily was sincere and truly wanted to meet Chris while Barb was more suspicious. Chris's small mind could not handle two simultaneous arguments and so he crashed into slumber. Emily was pissed off about this and demanded that Chris reschedule. Chris agreed and a new date was met.
Chris did meet up for the date, except he brought his 81 year old father, Bob Chandler along. Yes, he brought his dad on his first date (at least it wasn't his mother though).
- Emily can be commended for this troll in that she was kinky enough to put a microphone inside her thong panties to record Chris and Bob. If the microphone were to fall out of said panties she would just claim that it was a vibrator.
Vivitheg
Vivitheg AKA Vivian Gee is the fat chink that created the Sonichu audiobooks and other Chris-related videos. She is also cousin to Clyde Cash. Vivian once talked to Chris for three hours for him to get help with no success; in her words, talking some damn sense into Chris is "like fighting a wall".
Ironically, the hambeast is probably Chris's only serious internet 'friend'. While that might be taking it a little far, she has tried to genuinely help him, perhaps out of empathy for a fellow fat aspie. However, despite all the warnings of imminent doom, Chris ignored her regularly, and proceeded to fail spectacularly. Vivian has apparently toned down the white knight antics, and has realized Chris is a retard who "cannot improve". Over the months, Vivian sent multiple emails to Chris, most simply saying "JESUS STOP BEING A FUCKTARD" and giving advice.
Chris wasn't interested until it involved his internets gal-pals or Sonichu.
Vivian also created the story "A Girl who Brought Down the World", a story that answers the question: what would happen if CWCVille became true?
- Vivian's shenanigans have caused epic butthurt to Chris. It can be inferred from Chris's latest two videos (as of September 4, 2009) that Vivian may become his next victim if she refuses to close her account and delete "EVERY. LAST. ONE." of her videos. If she does not comply, one could possibly expect a fate not too dissimilar from that of Clyde Cash, BILLY MAYS, or the Real Chris Chan.
"Christian Weston Chandler"
AKA CChanSonichuCWC / The REAL Chris-chan / "the brown shirted imposter" / Liquid Chris. In July 2009, Chris opened a new JewTube channel under the name IBAChandler (after he was banned on his old account) and tried to change his look and image. Suddenly, a new slimmer, doppelgänger of our autistic friend appeared on the scene. Chris was dismayed someone had the audacity to claim he was the real version of him and so went on a campaign of multiple videos showing evidence that he was the real Chris-chan, culminating in a music video battle between the two. In August 2009, the brown shirted Chris departed for a job for Microsoft to develop a Sonichu game for the Xbox 360 and was promptly kidnapped shortly afterward by Chris. He wasn't seen or heard from for two months following the disappearance, and because no body was ever discovered, many presumed the corpse had been eaten.
As of October 15th, 2009, however, Real Chris had posted a new video revealing him to be alive and well, but scarred beyond measure. He exposed to the world the atrocities Ian Brandon Anderson had inflicted upon him, which included groping him at the bus stop on his way to Redmond, kidnapping him, force-feeding him more drugs than Chris ever knew existed, sodomizing him repeatedly with various sports equipment, and then leaving him out in the Mojave desert with a bleeding anus to be discovered by wetbacks.
Our hero has promised that Ian Anderson's attempt to thwart him was in vain, as he is now the official owner of the Sonichu name and will continue to pursue his job offer in Redmond,WA, as well as marry his sweetheart, Kacey.
Even in the face of recent opposition from Ian, namely, attempting to steal Kacey away along with Chris' identity, our hero has stood brave and unyielding. As of October 28th, 2009, Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus have joined forces with Chris to bring about the downfall of the impostor. Rumor has it there is a growing opposition in CWCville against the totalitarian, masquerading dictaor and that a revolution to put Russia to shame is nigh. It is probable that the True and Honest CWC is leading this coup alongside Richard Karn, the true, democratic mayor of CWCville.
Jack Thaddeus
Jack Thaddeus (D.O.B. unknown) is a troll who is the possible successor of Clyde Cash and is responsible for various PSN-related trollings with Chris.
The events surrounding the appearance of Jack are shrouded in mystery. Who he is, what his goals are, and with whom he is aligned are all unknowns. It is hoped that, in time, these questions will be answered as Jack emerges from the shadow of his predecessor Clyde Cash.
What is known about Jack thus far, was his sweeping victory in the seizure of multiple Chris PSN accounts, using them to blackmail Chris into dry-humping his PS3 and singing the song "It's Okay to be Gay". Unimpressed by Chris' performance, he deleted them for the good of mankind.
It is possible that Jack is not alone in his endeavors. Chris has referenced a "Samantha," who possibly worked under the alias of "Oxyclean Fanatic," in the videos mentioned previously. This could stem either from Chris' stupidity or from the presence of a co-conspirator in the trollings.
In November 2009, Jack allegedly purchased advertising space on the CWCipedia. One banner ad linked to a gay rights website (noting that the creator and hero of Family Guy both support gay rights, and using the hated word "naïve"), while another advertised Mexican vacations using an anthropomorphic cactus mascot.
Chris was incensed by the desecration of his wiki and demanded that the ads be removed. Upon being told that Thaddeus was responsible, Chris declared "I'll deal with him myself." Whatever measures he took, though, they didn't do much good, because the original ads were soon joined by many new banners featuring pickles, homos, and other things Chris hates and fears. These ads will stay for a long time since Jack, a gentle and generous soul, rented all the ads-space up to the end of 2010[1].
Surfshack Tito
A Hawaiian troll who surfaced in March of 2010. Apparently he stole The Wallflower from Chris. Chris also implies that Tito is responsible for various PSN-related trollings. Tito is the first troll to drive Chris to the point of racial slurs. In a video where Chris rages at Tito over The Wallflower, Chris says "pickle-suited NIGGER", implying that Chris doesn't know the difference between niggers and Hawaiians. Isabel Monday of the Asperpedia believes that Tito is a troll from the PVCC.
Alec Benson Leary
The guy behind Asperchu. Unlike other trolls, Alec tried to reason with Chris as a businessman would, considering that they were competing webcomic artists. Alec explains to Chris in many ways how he can improve his webcomic and the way he interacts with his fans, but Chris essentially spergs at him and whines that HE GOT DA TRAWLS. Chris even says that his mother and he agree that Alec's comic sucks, and think that fictional characters exist. When Chris whines that Alec made his characters gay, and Alec explains, Chris still whines like a faggot.
The E-Fags
.
E-fags are simply people with no life and think that Chris-chan will actually notice them and include them in one of his shitty comics as a thank you for all their obsessive white knighting. They stalk youtube screaming their battle cry of "Please notice me senpai." and post names of Chris'haters on the CWCKI as if their third grade idea that putting someone's name on the class chalkboard for talking out of turn is enough to get people to sit down and subscribe to their rules of behaviour and cult faith that Chris is the mother figure that their new god will be born from.
Some would argue that they should be put under friends but E-Fags serve better as trolls because their constant defending of, white knighting and hero worship of Chris-Chan only serves to inflate his ego more and set him on courses that lead him to further being mocked and exalted as the king of sperg.
Chris-Chan's e-fags are below
- newwaveknight1 Well known pedophile apologist who argues that if a child knows what sex is then they are old enough to make decisions, themselves, on whether to have it or not. Madly in love with Chris-Chan and sees himself as Chris' self appointed protector. Flames anyone that even remotely insults him. Proudly brags that he sends Chris $200 every month because, as Newwaveknight1 says, he knows what it means to care about someone other than yourself.
New Tactics It should be noted that after recent exposure, Newwaveknight1 has adopted the tactic of posting a reply on Youtube and quickly deleting it so that you will be able to see it in your mail but others won't be aware of his faggotry.
We were recently informed that Newwaveknight1 might be in fact be another of dumb ass' sock-puppet friends. After a compelling argument, "who else but Chris would be motivated to defend himself and make people think he has people who will defend him?" We approached fatass on twitter and were blocked after asking this question so there is a good chance it's true. If it is true, it stands as testament to lard tard's beliefs. He whines about trolls and haters but is not beneath trolling and name calling.
Desiree is another Chris Chan sock-puppet or late in life Transgender that spent most of their life getting turned on by pretending to be a woman for masterbation purposes that they now believe that all that cross dressing and fapping somehow altered their G-D granted original physique and turned them into a woman because real woman are all known for naturally coming with a five o'clock shadow, back hair, an adam's apple and a dick between their legs.
This freak of a soulless SJW believes so deeply in his fantasy that he is a woman that 99% of his posts sound as though they were written by a retarded 12 year old boy, with Tourette's Syndrome, that has been molested by sailors since he was 3.
Desiree is another idiot like NewWaveKnight1 that believes that Chris Chan is the end all, perfect enity, Christ figure when it comes to trannyism and expert on the subject of love that Chris himself has never felt or experienced outside of what he's seen on Tv so more than likely, Desiree is another sockpupett account of Chris Chan because it uses the same speech eccentricities, word play and refrencing of Television Shows from a year after Filo Farnsworth invented the Tv that only old fucks meeting death at a rest home would be aware of without a cheat sheet or the internet.
It also does very little favor for Desiree when a reverse image search exposes that his picture was stolen from www.petticoated.com, an adult fantasy site catering to erotic discipline stories and fantasies. The petticoated site is less about transgenders and more about using crossdressing as a means of sexual arrousal through discipline games consiting of embarrassment.
- CWCKI Home base for all the E-Fags. The irony of this short bus collection of self identified "Christorians" is that while they may run up and down the internet like Chris Crocker screaming, "Leave Chris-Chan alone!" Their incessant documenting and publishing of all things Chris and his life only serves to do the opposite and bring more attention to him. Most people new to discovering what is Chris-Chan will admit that they never heard of him until they read an article about their website on Cracked.com (archive).
- Doopie DoOver Infamous enough to have her own Articles. Read them Here. Another person who tried to take Chris for money and use him as a joke for Super Planet Dolan
- Joshua Conner Moon and Kiwi Farms. On Jul 11, 2018 Null has been trying to fight off Christian Weston Chandler's trolls since he wants CWC to be his property and not the property of what he refers to as Idea Guys. The Idea Guys were a group of faggots from /pol/ who lured Chris to their Discord only to exploit him in
unfunny ways. Null has been trying to weaponize the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, and various law enforcement agencies as if they are his personal army in order to get these people in jail, but without any success. Ever since the Idea Guys have extorted Chris-Chan for money illegally, people on the Kiwi Farms are unable to troll Chris as long as they are not part of Null's inner circle. Null has gone from CWC's biggesttrollstalker/admirer to hisfriendlover in a matter of weekscausing butthurt to all weens and A-Logs(no) causing his rectum to prolapse and Chris his anus to pucker longingly for Joshua. For whatever reason CWCki is sucking Null's cock mighty hard on their page about him and his recent on-goings with Chris, and doesn't mention anything about his more than shady past.
—Null to ED | ||
The CWCVille Librarians
The TRUE and HONEST mirrorfest for Chris' videos, created originally for Encyclopedia Dramatica by Arjen van Dietren, and now run by Abejita Cortez and sometimes Max (BlueSpike.) Unlike most of the other trolls listed, the librarians (minus Max) have had no direct trolling when it comes to Chris, therefore being the most passive trolls so far.
In late 2010, Abejita snapped and dropped a lot of the private messages she received by retarded wannabe-trolls, and with the help of Dethchemist and Tito, released a video of said messages. Most of these consist of people thinking Chris was using the library account,, with messages such as "Hey Chris you are cool" and other white knight bullshit. Others were calling out Chris for being sexist (the longest one being from a TF2-playing furry,) or attempts at being the next e-girlfriend. These proved that certain people are able to successfully troll Chris for a reason.
See Also
- Chris-chan - The TRUE and ORIGINAL Chris-chan ED page.
- Chris-chan/Places - Areas devastated in the wake of Mr. Weston Chandler.
- twitter say hi to the spaz
Chris-Chan's Twitter
Related Articles
- fanboi
- Anthony 'A-Log' LoGatto
- Spax3
- Brian Peppers
- Aspierations
- Desperate
- Prince Jeremy
- Victim complex
- Flardox
- Hate art
- Super Planet Dolan
External Links
- Doopie Releases emails between her and Chris Chan
| Featured article March 18, 2009 | ||
| Preceded by Ireland |
Chris-chan/People | Succeeded by Desktop Modding |
| Featured article September 11 & 12, 2018 | ||
| Preceded by DO IT FAGGOT |
Chris-chan/People | Succeeded by Crunchyroll |