Uncle Kage

Allow me to pontificate some more in my ridiculous outfit

Uncle Kage aka Dr. Samuel Conway is a martial arts movie star who you may remember from such films as Dragon Fist, Dragon Fist 2, and Son of Dragon Fist. When critics mocked his performance, he undertook a dangerous journey into the Outworld to fight in Shao Kahn’s Mortal Kombat – hoping to find the script for another blockbuster action film!!! SURGE!

On Earth, Uncle Kage is the big wet pussy responsible for the world’s biggest wet pussy festival, Anthrocon, also known as Suck-Kage’s-Miniscule-Dick-con. In his spare time, Uncle Kage likes to spend his time getting drunk and hitting on anything that has a penis, like any typical furfag. Kage rules Anthrocon with an iron fist, so no furry is allowed to reject his rancid diseased penis. Being sodomized by Uncle Kage is a rite of passage amongst furries, the final test of murrhood required before a young furfag can earn his clip-on neko ears. That’s why Uncle Kage is named after wicked Uncle Ernie.

During his early years in the fandom, he distinguished himself as this planet's most pathetic wapanese, trying to compensate for his utter lack of social skills and personality by puttering about as if the steel dildo up his ass had suddenly grown spikes, uttering random, poorly-pronounced Japanese words while bowing in a girlish manner that failed to induce anyone to insert their penis into his mouth. After collapsing under the weight of his sheer uselessness and mediocrity, he re-introduced himself as a "storyteller."

	“	The rod up that man's butt has a rod up it's butt.	„
	—Chalmers was actually talking about Kage

His storytelling sessions feature him regaling about a dozen morbidly obese Downs Syndrome patients with tales of his imagined triumphs in life. These events are usually held in any particularly crowded men's public toilet in any cheap hotel (or the drunk tank at the local jail) that is unfortunate enough to be hosting a furry convention.

To this date, he has yet to prove any reason why he should be suffered to live.

Anthrocon

Uncle Kage hates Target, because they tore down the hotel where Anthrocon used to be held to build a Target superstore. Seriously. Strangely no other hotel in the city wanted to be associated with crowds of reeking dog-fuckers, so Kage had to move allllll the way from Philadelphia to Pittsburgh. Oh, the tragedy! Kage insists that Anthrocon be held close to his home because TRAVEL IS HARD (which is funny, since he attends practically every "major" convention, and often goes overseas) and also because he likes to parade his doddering, senile parents around like some sort of perverted war trophies.

When anyone mentions Target, Uncle Kage flies supposedly into a BLIND, VIOLENT RAEG, as evidenced by the fact that he once karate-chopped a box of crackers from Target using his awesome ninja fury. Uncle Kage believes that this makes him a CHARACTER.

Shortly before Anthrocon 2007, Uncle Kage got his panties in a bunch about furfags staying at the same hotel and breathing his precious air without paying to join his convention aka “ghosting.” Why, they were practically stealing bread right out of his decrepit parents’ mouths! In a delightful LJ comment, Kage threatened to turn many furfags into an hero by tattling on them to the hotel because the hotel would obviously care a great deal about people who were paying for hotel rooms but not shelling out for yiff orgies:

2007-06-25 10:59am We deal with it on a case by case basis. There is no standard protocol. Commonly, what we will do is verify that the person we catch is indeed ghosting the convention. At that point, we determine if the person is staying in the hotel (easier to do than you would imagine, though I'm not prepared to discuss how we do it). If the person is staying in a hotel room, then that room, regardless of who rented it, is taken out of the Anthrocon room block. The room charge reverts to the standard rack rate, which usually exceeds $300 per night. The person who rented the room is then free to speak to me when presented with the bill, so that I can inquire why a "ghost" was permitted to stay in the room. The few times that we have done this have resulted in the person in question buying a membership ($50 was a lot less to pay than $800 or so). At that point we are happy to return the room to our block-rate.

Later on, Kage suffered troll’s remorse and said he was sorry. The effective revenge to having your room rate yanked is to call up your credit card company and issue a chargeback against Anthrocon, for changing the advertised rate without warning. Then sit back and watch Anthrocon's merchant contract get yanked.

Uncle Kage’s Happytime Fantasy Make-Believe-o-rama of Unicorns and Cock

Most furries like to look down their noses at such pedestrian Hollywood gossip as Paris Hilton or Brangelina, but the truth is these douchebags are the biggest celebrity-worshiping nimrods in the cosmos. That’s why they accept close proximity to unfunny fandom pseudo-celebs like 2 the ranting gryphon (incidentally, a good pal of Kage’s) as a substitute for genuine entertainment. In this vein, furries looooove Uncle Kage’s Storytime. Uncle Kage always carries around a glass of wine during his storytime hour of fun and magic, because he says IT IS HIS TRADEMARK. This is a lie. The real reason, though, is because he is a pretentious twat and we all know that only pretentious twats carry around wine glasses.

Actually, the real real reason is that he's a raging alcoholic and the glass is probably full of sake, or perhaps Everclear. Not that there's much of a difference...

Uncle Kage likes to pretend that he’s a scientist, even wearing a labcoat to impress his sycophants at conventions. In reality, he’s the guy that puts labels on those little plastic jars of piss when you go get tested for gonorrhea.

Uncle Kage apparently has a official suck-up song, written by faithful furry lickspittles. It is as bad as you would expect.

How to troll Uncle Kage

• Fail to recognize him.
• Rebuff his drunken advances.
• Ghost his conventions.
• Punch him in his stupid fucking face.
• Go to his LJ and spam the shit out of him.
• Praise the Target chain of stores and advise people to shop there in front of him.
• Mention to non-furries who may have gotten lost and accidentally wound up in the furfag convention that the odd numbered rooms are reserved for gay fursuit orgies. (This is actually true.)

(Edit: Recently changed to rooms that are multiples of 5)

• Tell reporters the awful truth about Kage and Anthrocon. Warning: this may be met with Kage's +5 banhammer of raeg.
• Tell people about his other identity (Rogue) (see below).
• Tell him sake does not count as wine.
• Call him "Uncle Cage". (This may seem simple but it really pisses him off.)

The Secret Identity of Uncle Kage

Uncle Kage Rogue would like you to think he is cooler than the average faggot.

One thing Uncle Kage does not like is having other Furries know about his Fetishes. When he's not being a squeaky clean mouthpiece for the Furry Fandom he slips into his alter ego "Rogue", a 90 foot wolf who loves stepping on people and smearing their remains over his ginormous cock BAWLETED! Kage's love of perverse kinks explains his reluctance to ban known furfag pedo Tora from his convention while at the same time wielding the banhammer on anyone who talks to the media without his permission. A good way to get Uncle Kage to froth is to let others know about him being Rogue.

As Rogue, Uncle Kage likes to grope unsuspecting strangers with a jizz encrusted fucksuit and writing macrofurry pr0n to relieve his anger issues.

External Links

• Uncle Kage's Rogue the Megawolf YouTube account
• Uncle Kage's live journal devoted to his fursona
• A page devoted to the faggotry of Kage's fursona

Uncle Kage is part of a series on Furfaggotry Visit the Furfaggotry Portal for complete coverage.