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Article of the Now

Nautica Malone

Nautica Thaddeus Furches Malone, (the 2025 winnar of our Golden iPod) was a horny black guy who didn't have the spare change for an inner city, Port-A-Potty prostitute and decided that it would be better if he performed a drive-by masturbation at a bikini coffee place obviously named Bikini Beans, in Arizona.

After realizing that he seriously fucked up when the Barista working at the coffee shop Cruely realized that justice would be better served by posting the video that she made of Malone only wearing a hoodie and rubbing the bark off of his tree on the Internets.

Deciding that it would make more sense to be known by his friends, family, neighbors and his children's classmates as that Sick fuck that was caught playing pocket pool in his car and An heroed because the world was rightfully laughing at him. It was 3 days after the video went viral that Nautica Malone chose to part his hair with a .38 in an empty parking lot in Goodyear, Arizone.

The embaressment and shame made him incable of doing what most rational people that felt the itch and had to scratch it in public would do. Most would change their name, move to a new city, in a new country that doesn't have the internet such as a jungle village in the deepest Heart of Africa. France would have made for another good hiding place because those Frogs lack the discipline to not give into their primal urges and will Fuck or take a shit on populated streets as people watch.

Evolutionary biologists like to refer to the French as the White Monkey because of their smaller brains and lack of self-control when compared to superior races like those decended from Germanic people and Scandanavians.

Let's Give A Big Round Of ED Applause For 2025's Golden iPod Winnar

What have I missed?

Serial Experiments Lain was 2 days ago • Changed was 4 days ago • 2025 was 6 days ago

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Quote of the Now

There's a lot of whiners in every crowd.

— R. Lee Ermey

Self explanatory

Set by User:The PolishPrince on 2026-1-6 • Expires 2026-1-8

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Did You Know...

From Encyclopædia Dramatica's endless supply of factoids:

... that it's 2026? You get to make another New Year's Resolution promising that this is going to be the year that you get laid.
... that WhiteDate got doxed and baleeted in front of a live studio audience?
... that Christmas happened? We hope that you got that perverted catgirl that you want to lose your virginity to.
... that Rob Reiner was murdered? You can light up your smokes, once again, without feeling guilty.
... that it's ED’s 21st birthday?
... that Charlie Kirk got a sore throat while giving a pro-gun speech at Utah Valley University?
... that Tristen Alan Leritz raped a 51-year-old woman just because he was a virgin?
... that Elon Musk is White Knighting our favorite piece of Eurotrash ass, Naomi Seibt, because he wants to be French for a day and eat her snail?
... that the Anti-Greta, Naomi Seibt is begging our benevolent God Emperor Trump for asylum because Germany is picking on her?

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