Cardcaptor Sakura

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Cardcaptor Sakura, formerly known as Cardcaptor Syaolong, known in English as Cardcaptors, is the story based around a pre-teen girl who discovers a book with cards in it. She opens the book, they all escape and she gains magical powers of the moon to get them back, as well as freeing the "Guardian of the seal" of the book who is a flying teddy bear called Kero who assists her in all the captures but never actually helps. As the series progresses, it introduces "Li Shaoron", a little boy from China who whores his way over to Japan in his magical flying aircraft who initially hates her but eventually falls for her. The Japanese version of the anime features shit-loads of homosexuality, but when it was dubbed in English all traces of that were completely raped. She captures all the cards, then is tested by an ancestor of the creator of the cards and is eventually deemed the new owner of them. The end.

[[Captain Obvious|The title comes from Sakura's habit of capturing each of the cards, who take the form of pedophiles.

Initially the main character was Li, but this turned out to be too much for even the Japanese, who held rallies and protests, several of which turned into the Azn Riots of 1996. So, the writers went back to the drawing board, trying to find some way to make the manga less controversial. In the end they ended up changing the main character to a girl, adding a voyeur dyke obsessed with the girl, putting Li and his homoerotic sex with otherkin in the background and the manga instantly became a pop sensation to the extent that it became an anime.

The Characters

Sakura. Gets you horny, doesn't it?
Despite her innocent appearance, Tomoyo's wants to fuck the shit out of Sakura.
Touya, the raging faggot.

,

Yukito, Touya's arse-buddy and his Schizophrenia-induced other persona, Yue.
Kero and his AWESOMESAUCE form.
Li, the little faggot who wanted to fuck Yukito before he suddenly turned straight for Sakura.
Meilin, the self-proclaimed Fianceé of Li at 10 years old. Totally insane.
Tarada and Rika, in their moment of underage bliss before performing the dance routine.

Sakura Kinomoto/Sakura Avalon:

Sakura is a 10 year old girl and the series' main character. She found the "Book of Clow" in her dad's library and released all the cards which caused a ZA WARUDO, which granted her Magical moon powers and released Kero Beros, the guardian of the cards who assists her in all of the captures. She has a dyke stalker bitch in Tomoyo, who wants to have inhumane lesbian sex with her but is constantly Mingeblocked by the fact that Sakura doesn't even know that she's gay for her. She is always supper happy and all her friends think sunshine and kittens shoot out her ass.

She fancies an older guy named Yukito, but then she realized that he was that way inclined for her brother Toya and gave up chasing after him in favour of Li Syoran after he stopped being a total prick to her. She uses rollerblades to get to school, but this is to prevent pedophiles from raping her. Sakura's job is to gather all the tarot Clow cards in the set, and she and Kero get horny whenever ones appears or is nearby. She has to collect them all so she can give Kero is magical sunshine powers back and turn into a fucking lion.


Tomoyo Daidouji/Madison Taylor

Sakura's obsessed fangirl Best friend forever and is distantly related to her, but it wouldn't be considered incest if they got it on. Tomoyo is a rich bitch who found out about Sakura's late-night affairs with the cards and, because the is the trusted best friend, Sakura allows her to tape her in all of the captures in the Lolita clothing she makes for Sakura so she can fap to the videos later. She wants to rub lips with Sakura and tie her up in her basement, but is fine just being in the friend zone, to rub salt into the wound she later becomes the Agony Aunt to Li Syoran, because he's such a fucking pussy. She can also sing, and in the anime she was kidnapped and nearly raped by two of the cards, the Voice and the Song cards.

In the English version of the anime, she doesn't fancy Sakura at all. She still cums when she sees Sakura in an outfit, but otherwise anything suggesting she pines for dat ass was totally removed.

Touya Kinomoto/Tori Avalon

Sakura's faggot older brother who is spiritually aware of the undead and magic and shit, evident when he sees his and Sakura's mother in one episode, but Sakura was blissfully unaware of her presence. He had a crush on his well-endowed teacher when he was in school, who was much older than him, and even managed to get some from her, but she called it off when she got paranoid that she would get Party Vanned. He met Yukito aferwards and found that the lure of Yukito's pale, tiny cock proved to be too much and turned gay for the entirety of the series.

After he found out that Yukito was another being called Yue, he gave him all his powers so he and Yukito could live, and he couldn't see ghosts or magic shit anymore. Him and Yukito continued to dock each other afterwards once his secret was revealed.

Yukito Tsukishiro/Julian Star

Sakura's love interest, at least until she found out she was in the friend zone. Yukito is a normal, gay human being. He began docking Touya at the start of the series and is just thought to be the gay best friend of Touya with nothing particuarly special about him, but he is in fact the alter ego of Yue, a Guardian of the Seal representing the moon and he makes more appearences as the series progresses. Yukito is the thinnest character in the series, but eats enough food to feed all of Africa yet never puts on weight and is never shown to have bowel problems. Yukito was completely unaware of Yue, even though he and Yue are one and the fucking same, but eventually finds out that him "blacking out" was because he transformed.

In the English version of the anime, "Julian" is straight and totally does not want to fuck "Tori".

Yue

As explained above, he is the Guardian of the Seal representing the moon and is Yukito's other form, who is even more of a faggot in appearance than his human counterpart, but doesn't act like one. In fact, personality-wise, he cockblocks anyone who attempts to flirt with him, which is shown in his rejection of Li who tells him to GTFO and go for Sakura's minge instead. He managed to beat the shit out of Li in the "Final judgement", but lost to Sakura. Lol, he lost to a girl. He reveals that Yukito is such a glutton and fucking slob because he's losing his powers because Sakura's tiny tits aren't enough to keep him sustained. So rather than having bitty, he goes to other sources and eventually finds Touya, Yukito's gay lover and drains him of his man-milk which also drains him of all his magical powers, but keeps Yue sustained until Sakuras tits grow big enough.

Cerberus/Keroberus

Nicknamed "Kero", is the talking stuffed animal that follows Sakura around, and is the polar opposite of Yue, being the Guardian of the seal, representing the sun. He is easily the only character worth a shit on this show, because he is not a fucking faggot and he is minutely funny, eating like a fucking pig and sleeping during the day in Sakura's room, playing fighting games, going through her drawers and fapping with her panties. Like Sakura, he gets horny whenever a card is nearby or appears. When Sakura retrieves all the cards, he is able to transform from a talking teddy bear with wings into a MASSIVE TIGER WITH HUGE FUCKING GOLDEN WINGS WHICH CAN SHOOT FIRE FROM ITS MOUTH.

He also hosts "Kero's corner", the 2 minute bit at the end of every episode in which he talks about cards which appeared in the episode or past episodes, costumes which Sakura was forced to wear on threat of having her throat slit, or other characters which are just as unfunny as the saying "Amirite?!" or using strikethrough HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS!!


Li Shaoran/Lee Showron

Originating from Hong Kong, he flew over to Tokyo to stalk Sakura and rape her. On his first appearence, he is a total fucking badass who hates Sakura for being a noob and tries to capture the cards for himself, but he loses his cards when he gets his arse kicked by the even-more-faggoty form of Yukito, called Yue. At first, he turns gay for Yukito, getting nervous around him and running away from him whenever he sees him, hiding his boner. This went on for a while until the authors and authoresses decided to make him straight for Sakura around season 3, but he never actually tells her he wants to fuck her in the English version, but he did tell her in one of the films. He wasn't gay for "Julian" either, he was just "attracted to his magical powers", as told by Yue which was a totally good way to cover a being-gay story.

Meiling Li/Meiling Rae

A batshit crazy loli girl who stalked Li from his hometown in Hong Kong who wants Li to get her pregnant and live off his money. When they were little, he didn't beat the shit out of her and she wanted to eat his rectum out and declared them "Engaged".

She hates Sakura, because any "friend" of an enemy is automatically an enemy until they chill the fuck out, just like every other generic anime ever. Her and Sakura eventually become BFFs and begin to get into threeway scissoring sex sessions with Tomoya until she loses to Sakura in her constant competition for Li's affections, she then fucks off back to Hong Kong to lose her iPod but fails multiple times.

Rika Sasaki/Rita

A brown, wavy-haired pedobait moe girl. She is considered to be the perfect woman, because she does well in school, she can cook, clean and make you a sammich on demand. During the series, she is constantly almost raped by the Clow cards but has no recollection of the events afterwards, always being told that she was dreaming and being fucking stupid enough to believe it. She has a relationship with her teacher Mr. Terada, which just screams PARTY VAN but is never actually arrested. In fact any morals relating to their relationship aren't mentioned, so obviously in the English version, all traces of their relationship are removed and she's a dumbshit who blushes only because she's embarrassed by the fact that she stays behind to catch up.

Yoshiyuki Terada

A tall, handsome man who is all the casts' Homeroom teacher. He lures Rika into his van with candy and promises of ponies and marriage, and has lots of sloppy loli-sex with her offscreen at his house. All the other characters are oblivious to this relationship and in the English version, it was completely removed thanks to concerned mothers playing the "My child can't handle this shit!" card.

Eriol Hiiragizawa/Eli Moon

Eriol is the direct descendant of Clow reed, having half of his soul, and as such is a raging faggot. After Sakura captures all of the cards, Eriol nearly kills her 10,000 times so he can force her to transform all the Clow cards into Sakura cards for some reason. Doing so completely drains her so she sleeps for 9001 hours to recover. She eventually does so and he stops being a total prick. Turns out, despite his faggoty appearence, he is totally nailing Mizuki, the pedophile who was Touya's ex-lover.

Ruby Moon & Spinel Sun

They're basically just cheap ripoffs of Yue and Kero. Ruby Moon in her false form looks and acts as a schoolgirl who tries to flirt with and fuck Touya, but he prefers the cock and turns her down, in her "released form" becomes a Sex goddess with butterfly wings. Spinel in his "False form" is a small cat with wings similar to Kero's, but transforms into a panther with HUGE FUCKING WINGS!!!!!!!!

Kaho Mizuki/Layla MacKenzie

Touya's ex-lover and Shrine maiden. She poses as a school teacher, whom Sakura wants to grope her boobs. She is only notable for her massive tits and owning some wierd bell thing which helps her catch the Maze card and transforms her staff. After the series, she fucks off back to England.

Shippers

As you can expect, legions of Shippers are at war, Sakura/Lee vs Sakura/Yukito vs Sakura/Tomoyo, a fierce battle is in process and many /b/tards are going to get hurt, emotionally and, in many cases, physically. Of course, the only real couple is Sakura & Lee since both declared their mutual feelings (and eventually Lee sodomized Sakura for fuck's sake--see above photo). Also, they have a son, confusing also called Lee Syaoran, the traditional way ( from said buttsecks ) and another one magically (without buttsecks ) called Watanuki. This all happens in the fail animu known as Tsubasa Chronicle. Yes, Card Captor Sakura characters do make appearances in other Clamp series. Clamp is known for having lots of crossovers, leading their fans to believe that there is entire OHMYGODSODEEP Clamp universe where all of their stories are somehow interconnected to one another through dimensions or fanfic shipping sex. Of course, the obvious truth is that Clamp has so little originality, that they just recycle the same characters over and over again.

"Cardcraptors"

Okay, so you and I are Card Captor Sakura fans right? I watch this show for its simple, yet engaging storyline, multi-dimensional characters, fun music, well-thought out episode plots and thUHHHHHH I just want to stare at the kids. Well, imagine if your favorite anime didn't have any of these things. Oh wait, it happens all the time, its called "The Dubbed Version". It happened to Card Captor Sakura in what was known as one of the biggest dubbing clusterfucks of all time. Some two-bit company called Nelvana decided to make a few changes to the hit magical girl show if it were to have success in the English-speaking world; as if there weren't pedophiles outside of Japan. The new series aired in North America with the following changes:

Why all of the changes? Our top Anime Experts have three theories. 1. Nelvana saw this a show for girls and wanted male characters to appear earlier. Nelvana feared that their younger male viewers were flaming gay and would be turned off if the show had too much emphasis on a young asian girl in skimpy costumes. Apparently, Nelvana never heard of Sailor Moon, which was known to have just as many male viewers as female viewers. And its easy to see why.

2. Its all a conspiracy. While the show was airing, concerned Christian assholes made the perfectly logical claim that exposure to Cardcaptors would lead kids to taking an interest in tarot cards, feng shui, and witchcraft. Its a stretch, but I should point out that this isn't the first time that Christians have trolled anime fans. Surprisingly, nobody made any complaints about pedophilia.

3. They did it for the lulz. All of this dub vs. sub drama gave the producers an idea: How can we troll the fuck out of the typical anime-loving, child-obsessive, mouth-breathing loser and walk away with some easy merchandising profits?


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