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Kato
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This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from moar lulz. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page. |
- The funny kung-fu sidekick in the Pink Panther movies.
- The funny kung-fu sidekick (played by Bruce Lee) in the "Green Hornet" 1960s TV show.
- Dramatic recurring character in the Wikipedia Review.
- Poolboy who helped a nigger prove his "innocence".
- Tomohiro Kato, Japan's latest attempt to beat Cho's high score.
June 8th, 2008
According to BBC News, Tomohiro Kato drove the sixty miles from his home to Akihabara, using his mobile phone all the way to post to "an internet bulletin board" about his inability to make friends.
—Kato-san, making plans for massive | ||
He hired a truck for a Sunday lunchtime drive straight up the middle of the pedestrian shopping street, mowing down scenesters, bloggers, pedophiles, Wapanese, cosplayers, furries, otaku, and tourists alike. After mowing down as many unsuspecting spectators as he could, Kato attempted to mow down one of Akihabara's many fat American tourists, but found his ride was no match. Kato self-destructed his automobile, but not before leaping out to continue his vengeance on foot. However, in stead of using a firearm like lazy americunts would, Kato decided to go the ninja way, and drew his knife.
Kato murdered seven and put another ten in the hospital, which is a reasonable result for a city which has a cop hiding behind every lamp post. He receives full marks for style and execution.
Critics are already playing the blame game citing everything from, and including, Japan's current economic climate, video games, anime, internet culture and Japanese schoolgirls.
Kato's Messages
Taxed from News 24:
- 05:21: "I'll crash my vehicle into people and if the vehicle becomes useless, I'll get out a knife. Goodbye everyone"
- 05:21: "Sleepy"
- 05:34: "My headache isn't getting any better"
- 05:35: "And weather forecasts say it's gonna rain. What a disaster"
- 05:44: "Getting arrested in the middle of this would suck"
- 06:02: "I'm used to playing the good guy. People get fooled easily"
- 06:03: "(I) was known to adults as a good kid - to adults"
- 06:03: "Can't make friends, can I"
- 06:04: "There are just a few buddies who gave me long friendships"
- 06:05: "I'm still on an e-mail mailing list. I'm a bit happy about that"
- 06:10: "They say the roads I was planning to use are closed. See, everything gets in my way"
- 06:31: "It's time. Let's go"
- 06:39: "Seems like it's going to be a struggle against the headache"
- 06:49: "Against the rain, too"
- 06:50: "Against time, too"
- 07:30: "This rain is awful. Even though I prepared everything perfectly"
- 07:47: "Well, I don't care. I'll go even if it's raining, even if it's on a small scale"
- 09:48: "Taking a break as I arrived at Kanagawa (a prefecture near Tokyo). Seems like doing fine so far"
- 10:53: "Terrible traffic jam. I wonder if I can get there on time"
- 11:07: "Shibuya (a trendy part of Tokyo popular with young people) sucks"
- 11:17: "It's sunny here"
- 11:45: "Arrived in Akihabara"
- 11:45: "Today streets are free of vehicles, aren't they?"
- 12:10: "It's time."
Fun Fact(s)
- Kato is literally a backwards Otaku with a NO U complex. THINK ABOUT IT. Coincidence or CONSPIRACY????
- Before the attack, Kato gave away all his stuff - a console and a box of games - to a friend. Some have speculated that he was a fan of violent shooting games, but this behaviour is more characteristic of an MMORPG player - "I@M QUITTIN IRL 4EVA, COME 2 LOBBY 14 4 RAREZ."
Aftermath
- Hysterical armflappers call for the complete ban on manufacture of daggers anywhere in Japan (actually true)
- Government request money to upgrade Mysterybot so that it will be able to notice Japanese Anons using the Chans to inform the world that V-Tech is about to kick in and send automatic warnings to the police (actually true)
- Sunday pedestrianisation of Akihabara suspended for the forseeable future (actually true)
- Konami cancelled the Metal Gear 20th Anniversary event (also true and GOD BLESS YOU, KATO)
- Japanese police to be issued with Power Wrists, Power Gloves and Dongcopters, and to drive around in cars that play the Robocop theme through roof-mounted speakers until they see the criminal, whereupon it will start playing the Chase HQ music. (We might have made some of that up.)
Graded Score
| Graded score | |
|---|---|
| Kill count: | 7/20 |
| Accuracy: | 13/20 10 injured |
| Style: | 17/20 Vehicle AND stabbing rampage |
| Butthurt: | 18/20 "Sent shock waves across Japan" Metal Gear Solid 4's launch was cancelled due to it |
| Bonus: | 15/20 GTA 4 Japan mod |
| Total score: 70/100 (C) | |
Garrery
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Peace out, y'all -
How do I kill bystanders? -
Kato minus rental truck. -
-
"He cut my feet off, but the only doctor was some geek who'd only played Trauma Center on the DS and he sewed them back on my hand."WHAT IS THIS SHIT? -
Bored Kato: Are we theeeere yet?
Stern Cop: Don't make me turn this partyvan around! -
Use mousewheel to select weapon.
[+]Videos (click to expand)
See Also
External Links
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Kato is related to a series on AZNS. | [Herrow] |
