Godzilla

This article has been cleaned up, and it was a trip to hell and back. Please, don't fuck it up.

Godzilla is the King of the Monsters, and the undisputed legendary ruler of you, your mom, and everything awesome in your pitiful existence on this shitty planet. He was created by a bunch of wrinkly PTSD Japs because a bunch of Americunts pwned the shit out of a country that would later be known for turning boys into manchildren and the production of Hentai. He then went on to fight a whole batch of retarded monsters that were clearly made on the budget of a pack of ramen in about three minutes. After 60 years, he is still known for kicking some major ass, and is now famous again for starring in a movie where he enjoys decapitating a giant parasitic spider for the lulz.

	“	If you watch Godzilla backward, it's about a giant dinosaur that sucks fire from buildings, repairs a destroyed city, and moonwalks back into the ocean.	„
	—The internet

Movies

Godzilla has starred in 29 movies from 1956 to 2014, alternating mostly between epic fail and epic win. Some movies are superior to others in terms of general popularity, while others are simply massive piles of shit that left many people scratching their heads wondering why they even exist in the first place. The movies are:

Gojira (1954)

The original that started the whole shitstorm. After getting #rekt by the Jewnited States of Americunts, a bunch of hacks decided to rip off The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms in order to get across a message the Cold War was already proving for them. It stars a giant dinosaur coming out of his underwater lair to serve up some nice, crispy Asian meat because he's awake and pissed. He is indestructible until an emo scientist makes a bathtub toy that destroys oxygen. After he kills himself, everyone and their mother cry.

Godzilla Raids Again (1955)

Aside from a ridiculous and laughable U.S. title change, due to a complete retard, the movie is known for having Godzilla's first enemy to fight. A giant, spiked armadillo named Anguirus, who fights Godzilla because he said something about his mom. Godzilla then gets buried in an ice avalanche thanks to a bunch of jets, only to break out seven years later.

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962)

The only cinematic crossover fight that doesn't suck Dragon Dildos. After growing ten times in size and getting a makeover that makes him look nothing like the original gorilla, everybody's favorite horny primate wants to fight a fire breathing behemoth Kong gets completely owned until he suddenly gains the ability to generate electricity in his palms, and they both fall into the ocean. Kong emerges, supposedly victorious, only for any reasonable person to figure out Godzilla is going to drag him underwater and literally make a bloodbath out of him. Contrary to popular belief, the deleted scene where Kong attacks Godzilla by flicking his own shit at him has not been discovered yet.

Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964)

Before 2014, this was probably the only movie of the franchise most people knew about. Again, our brilliant title changers decided to rename the film in America to make what Godzilla fights seem like a mystery, despite the fact that they actually showed Mothra's egg in a trailer. After waking up from the ground, Godzilla fucks shit up, and then another greedy capitalist decides to kidnap two lesbian fairies who happen to be guarding a giant egg. Before our favorite kaiju can have himself a nice omelet for breakfast, Mothra shows up and farts poisonous orange gas in his face, then gets squashed to death. Her two larvae babies hatch and spray Godzilla with their silk, and he falls into the ocean, only to be defeated because he couldn't get himself some nice food for his morning. It's funny but it's also bullshit.

Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster (1964)

Some hot princess gets possessed by Martians to warn people about a giant three-headed dragon that destroyed their civilization. Unfortunately for them, a lot of people want to kill this broad, so the dumbasses should have picked somebody less hated to spew their bullshit at. The government gets the fairies to call upon the last of Mothra's surviving larvae to fight a giant three-headed dragon that breathes lightning, thus proving the "saying all Japanese people are geniuses" isn't exactly true. Godzilla comes back from the ocean and gets into a fight with a giant pteranodon named Rodan because apparently the daikaiju population has some real anger issues. Mothra comes to recruit them for their fight, and, as any sensible monster would react, they tell her to piss off. Then they change their minds (but only after Rodan drops Godzilla on his dick and Godzilla swears at Mothra), whoop Ghidorah's ass and he retreats. The whole universe was safe until Planet X came along with their nonsense.

Invasion of Astro Monster (1965)

The title changes were clearly trolling us, knowing they could get away with confusing us, until Google came along. This is the first Godzilla film where a cracker stars as a main character, regardless of what version you watch. It's the only Godzilla film as of now that is set in space. A bunch of scientists discover a new planet, but before committing their usual genocide against the indigenous population, they are attacked by King Ghidorah. They are offered a cure for cancer by an underground species of aliens with televisions for heads, in return for bringing Godzilla and Rodan to Planet X to kick the shit out of Ghidorah again. After the human's end of the deal is done, they get bent over and sodomized hard by the spacemen as they place Godzilla, Rodan, and King Ghidorah under mind control to take over the world. After failing to get some nice alien pussy, the cracker helps destroy the mind control of the monsters, and all three of them fall into the sea. The world is saved, but the cure for cancer is lost. Godzilla only appears for five minutes in this film, but he does his legendary dance, which made it necessary for gifs to be invented 30 years later.

Ebirah: Horror of the Deep (1966)

Godzilla faces off against a giant enemy crab. When looking for his lost brother, a bunch of teenagers prove natural selection is still hard at work, and steal the boat of a dangerously armed criminal. After losing all his loot from a bank robbery in a storm, the criminal joins with our stranded teenagers, as they fight to stay alive on some random island. They find a bunch of terrorists there, who want to nuke it all from space, and befriend a hot native girl. After the routine gang bang everybody expects, they find Godzilla in a cave, wake him up, and he fights against a mutant lobster that has anybody trying to escape the island for lunch. Godzilla plays volleyball with Ebirah, only to lose, and breath fire on his crotch. With the help of lemons, the teenagers cause the terrorist to get pwned by their own crap, and Godzilla defeats the sea monster by pulling off both his claws. Mothra shows up and takes everybody home before the entire island blows up.

Son of Godzilla (1967)

After facing spiked armadillos, giant apes, insects, three-headed dragons, and mutant lobsters, the King of the Monsters faces his ultimate challenge! Fatherhood. With a title such as Son of Godzilla, you better know what you are getting into. You are going to enter a world of lulz where humanity is trying to fuck with the weather by making it snow on another island, but you don't give a shit about that, because you are too distracted by Godzilla's freak of a kid, Minilla. Minilla is most likely a shaved mole born with down syndrome, and his father shows him the proper respect he deserves, by slamming him with his tail and walking away from his newborn. Though Godzilla later learns to love the little retard, and helps him breathe fire, and fight monsters, as he slowly sleeps his way into depression, knowing Minilla has no chance of continuing the title as the King of the Monsters. When the snow sets in thanks to the weather experiment, Godzilla hugs his son, and they both go to sleep on the snow-covered ground, in perhaps one of the most heartwarming moments of the series. It is never revealed who the mother is, and frankly, it's probably for the best.

Destroy All Monsters (1968)

The film which was supposed to end the entire franchise. In the year 1999, humanity has been able to contain all the monsters on just one island, named "Monster Island" (originality is clearly not a priority for the United Nations at this time). As usual, a bunch of aliens come to Earth with King Ghidorah to fuck us over, and place all the monsters under mind control, because it worked so well the first time! The humans come along, destroy the mind thingamabob, and Ghidorah, like a complete fucktard, faces of against seven monsters, not realizing he got his ass kicked by only two monsters. Ghidorah fails so hard, even Minilla is able to choke the bitch up with his rings of fire, as Godzilla and his buddies help put him in the ground once and for all. This is the greatest wet dream any daikaiju fan can possibly have, until they realize almost half of the monsters featured in the film make cameos that only last for seven seconds.

All Monsters Attack aka Godzilla's Revenge

Who did Godzilla even get revenge on? Anyway, this film is only really worth watching if you're a rabid fanboy. A random kid named Ichiro Miki has fail-tastic adventures in Yokohama, all the while evading a kid named Gabara. So, he dreams of going to Monster Island and meeting Minilla, who's also being bullied by a Gabara! They then have various weird adventures while Godzilla watches and sighs. Eventually, Minilla beats the shit out of Gabara and Godzilla drops the long-necked feline on his head a few times before Gabara runs off crying. Back in the real world, Ichiro makes peace with the other Gabara after a fight, and they both fuck up a man on a bike with paint by honking the bike's horn. This film does have a pretty good side to it, though - This film actually has the second-longest amount of time dedicated to the Kaiju in the entire series!

Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971)

The result of getting a bunch of hippies high on LSD and giving them the budget to make a monster movie. Which is probably the same as their monthly welfare checks. Here, attention whoring environmentalists decided they weren't ruining enough awesome stuff in the late 20th century, so they decided to fuck up the King of the Monsters a little bit. Quite literally, a giant turd feeds off of pollution, and changes his shape and powers to fight Godzilla, who apparently is so desperate for a monster brawl, he's following the advice of CAPTAIN PLANET! Hedorah responds by using his almighty turd powers to give Godzilla a sting, then dumps him into a hole, and uses him as his own toilet. Godzilla then gets back up, and uses electricity to disembowel the polluted abomination. Bottom line, they should have called it Godzilla vs. the Great Mighty Poo, directed by Al Gore.

Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

The title changes clearly had a lobotomy before naming this. Because throughout the whole movie, even including scenes without Godzilla, you see Monster Island for only a few seconds. For this one, either Toho was trying to troll us and succeeded, or tried to make something more for adults and failed. Cockroaches from outer space build an amusement park, with their main attraction being a statue of Godzilla that be firing its laser. Meanwhile, a comic book writer, who sucks hard at creating villains, investigates the shady shit going on at the park, and then joins with some more losers to see Godzilla join up with Anguirus to kick the crap out of Gigan and King Ghidorah. Gigan is basically a mutant galactic chicken that shoots lasers from his one red eye, has a buzzsaw on his stomach, has claws for hands, and sounds like that noise when you reach your high and have nasty gas at the same time. Anguirus deliberately runs into Gigan's buzzsaw like a stupid shit, and the statue starts to own Godzilla until our heroes blow it to fuck. Then Gigan and Ghidorah get their asses kicked even harder and retreat. It definitely sounds like a kid's movie at first, but what you don't know is that there is a ton of bloodshed and swearing throughout the film. But hey, it shuts your kids up, so who's complaining? Oh, and for the record, Godzilla and Anguirus talk. Their voices sound like Lady Gaga high on weed, playing with a tape recorder.

Godzilla vs. Megalon (1973)

Through some miracle, the series got better by getting more ridiculous. A bunch of underground KKK chicks lead by a hairy Freddie Mercury in a toga get pissed at civilization above the surface because they're keeping them up with their nuclear bomb tests. Instead of telling the homo sapiens to please STFU, they send a giant cockroach with drills for hands that spits firebombs, and fires electric lasers to kill everything. Meanwhile, two teenagers build a knock-off Ultraman named Jet Jaguar, and he goes to recruit Godzilla by playing charades with him. The two join together, as Gigan joins Megalon in the gayest and most amazing fight of the millennium. Jet Jaguar stupidly enters battle alone and gets humiliated by Gigan and Megalon, who even play the 'Stop hitting yourself!' game with the beaten robot, Until Godzilla comes and challenges them to a duel. The final battle is the closest thing humanity can get to reconstructing the meaning of life. In the finishing move against Megalon, Godzilla slides on his tail and kicks Megalon twice as Jet Jaguar holds the bug in place. In other words, its the greatest thing ever to come out of the art of epic win. Then, the Jet Jaguar song plays at the end. It's to make sure you didn't forget you just watched the best movie ever made.

It's a shame that Megalon hasn't reappeared outside of any video games, but it is fun to watch people whining about why he isn't in the newest film.

Zone Fighter (1973)

In this television show, A group of aliens who look suspiciously like humans come to Earth after bug-eyed aliens commit Jihad on their homeworld. The eldest child in the family turns into an uber-manly Ultraman knock off. Teaming up with Godzilla, the henshin hero and the mutant dino beat the crap out of various monsters until the show got canceled because Toho ran out of oil to burn. Toho has stated that this show is canon, and takes place between '73 and '74. Thus, Zone Fighter is canon, as far as the timeline is concerned, which is pretty awesome. This show is hard to find anywhere, so watch it if you can before the copyright brigade strikes any videos of it down.

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla aka Godzilla vs. the Cosmic Monster aka Godzilla vs. the Bionic Monster (1974)

While the dubbers have an aneurysm while deciding what the title should be, Godzilla faces off against a robotic version of himself, that basically inspired every mecha in future anime. An old man predicts a prophecy involving a giant mountain, a red sun, and monsters. No people, he was sober when he said that. A bunch of humans discovers that space chimps are disguising a robotic titan of death as the real Godzilla. Yes, folks, this is a better Planet of the Apes movie than Tim Burton's. Naturally, the King of the Monsters won't take any of this shit, so he lets himself get hit by lightning and transformers into a magnet. He then partners up with a lion god who gets his ass kicked by Mechagodzilla. Then Godzilla lures Mechagodzilla with his magnetic powers, takes him from behind, and twists his head off before the entire robot explodes. King Caesar then goes back to sleep, hoping he will never hear anymore annoying-ass music from mystical Asian babes.

Terror of Mechagodzilla (1975)

A bunch of space apes in human skin come back and this time wears even more retarded looking spacesuits and hire a hot whore to take control of Mechagodzilla, who is now being repaired to team up with a mind-controlled pedosaur named Titanosaurus. This is happening partially because a bipolar Asian Albert Einstein got fucked over when nobody believed him when he said there was a giant red dinosaur swimming around in a salty ocean that wears fins like it's the 80's, and cackles like a seal high on helium. Shit blows up, and Godzilla kicks Mechagodzilla and Titanosaurus's assholes. He then goes underwater where he takes a well-deserved decade-long nap.

The Return of Godzilla (1984)

Godzilla walks straight into Tokyo and rapes the city hard. A bunch of Soviets and Americans decide to squabble over Japan for the lulz, only for Godzilla to wreck their shit and cause the launching of a nuke from space. Godzilla falls into a volcano after decimating a giant flying metal children's toy, yet the humans fail to realize they are dealing with one invincible mother fucker here. This film is notorious for the fact that the American redub effectively made the Americans the heroes when in reality they were just as fucking useless as the Ruskies and the Japs.

Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989)

This film begins with a minor but important theme of having monsters derived from Godzilla himself. Terrorists from Saradia come and beat up a bunch of Americunts over Godzilla's G-Cells while a Japanese scientist tries to calm them all down by growing super wheat with Godzilla's cells. All seems right with the world until the scientist's daughter gets obliterated by a gigantic explosion. He mixes her cells with a rosebush and Godzilla's cells and out comes a giant alligator named Biollante. Godzilla breaks out of the volcano, everyone beats each other up, and Biollante retreats to safety. Meanwhile, the humans decide to give Godzilla an infection by using another children's toy, which the King blows up yet again. Biollante comes back, and the two beat each other up again until Biollante retreats like a pussy instead of fighting. Godzilla then promptly falls asleep for two more years, so it's essentially Godzilla vs. Little Shop of Horrors. For the record, the fact that Biollante contains a ton of G-Cells essentially makes her Godzilla's sister. I guess she figured killing herself would be less painful than actually facing off against her bro. Something of note is that in the original cut of the film, Godzilla would have been surrounded by Flowers after Biollante died, giving him the effect of looking stoned.

Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (1991)

FLASHBACK TIME: Two men who look like they belong in a porno come with a hot chick from the future and her pet Übermensch android, and decide they will go back in time to erase Godzilla from history. It is revealed Godzilla fulfills every Japs dream and fucks up every Americunt soldier during a battle in World War II. He then gets blown up by a battleship with the entire three surviving wiggers cheering for their short-lived victory before the dino comes back to life and gets a nice slice of sweet revenge. After removing him with bad 80's effects, the aliens put their three cute Littlest Pet Shop abominations on the island, and the atom bomb test merges them into King Ghidorah who is pwning humanity back, or in this case, forward in the present day. Turns out a bigger Godzilla was created anyway, making the first half of the film entirely pointless. Godzilla shows up. The nazi-alien-future people laugh at Godzilla, but then the sexy azn and her robot fuck their day up for the lulz and blow up everything. After doing some asphyxiation with Ghidorah, the dino blows off Ghidorah's head and drops the fucker right into the ocean. Godzilla then fucks everything up, but then the future or some shit comes into place and Mecha-King Ghidorah piloted by the hot chick shows up and drops the two of them in the ocean, right after it shocks the King with an electric chastity belt. After everybody thinks Godzilla is dead, he wakes up from the ocean more pissed than ever. Well, at least the humans tried something different this time. And they still sucked ass at it. For some easy lulz, tell the truth and explain to the fantards that nothing before this film was changed because Godzilla was created anyway. The fantards will get angry at you and use everything in their greasy power to tell you otherwise.

Godzilla vs. Mothra (1992)

An Indiana Jones wanabee steals some shit and gets his ass thrown in the slammer. He gets together with a bunch of other morons and they all discover Mothra, who hatches and becomes an adult while her evil twin brother, Battra, wants to destroy all of humanity and everything it has done because he is in a rage. These two tiny Asian babes reveal themselves to be the Earth's Cosmos who do nothing but act as alarmists warning people that Battra is coming to rape them hard, and as you would expect, the capitalists exploit them. Godzilla wrecks both of the butterflies, but by the ending Battra saves his sister from getting squashed, and then they fight the King. Godzilla takes a bite out of Battra, who apparently bleeds mustard, and Mothra drops them into the ocean. Supposedly Mothra uses her magic to seal Godzilla away in the ocean forever, but logically, this doesn't do jack shit, and Godzilla returns less than a year later. There's also some shit about the Indiana Jones hack being a good daddy to his separated daughter, so the message of this movie is that if you are having family issues, help two giant insects fight against a radioactive zombie dinosaur, and everything will be okay. This is where the title changers knew they fucked up, because with Toho remaking their movies, a lot of the titles they had made for English dubs in the past were now the actual Japanese titles for the reboots, so they had to come up with alternate titles.

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla 2 (1993)

The Japs melted the recovered head of Mecha-King Ghidorah to add to the creation of Mechagodzilla, who looks like the original Mechagodzilla, except fatter and with a dumbass face. However, your hopes for humanity having a slight bit of intelligence are completely destroyed when you see them take GODZILLA'S MOTHERFUCK'N EGG after he beats the shit out of Rodan. Yep, these people are completely alien to the concept of hindsight. The egg hatches, and it actually looks like a real spawn of Godzilla, unlike the bastard child that was Minilla. Neither of them has a known mother though :/. The baby forms a relationship with a hot chick, and a horny reporter becomes a friend of the two of them. The baby calls daddy to save him from the pedophiles, and Mechagodzilla comes in and fucks up Godzilla for having the audacity to get his own son back. It is discovered the baby has a brain in his ass, so Mechagodzilla combines with a Mecha Jay Jay the Jet Plane to destroy both of the daddies' minds. But, Rodan comes down and decides to throw a spanner in the works, and he performs some Black Magic shit and revives Godzilla. Godzilla fucks shit up and there's a rather poignant scene where the scientist who grew to love the Baby Goji has to let him go home with Dad.

Godzilla vs. Spacegodzilla (1994)

Godzilla's sister had appeared earlier, now it's time for his Big Brother to make an appearance. At some point before the film's start, Mothra flew off to attack an Asteroid, and some of her cells entered a wormhole along with Biollante's G-Cells. These Cells got mutated and merged into SpaceGodzilla, who is basically Godzilla with big fucking crystals on his back and badass psychic powers. Meanwhile, the humans invent yet another bathtub toy from the remains of MechaGodzilla's remains, named M.O.G.U.E.R.A., who (according to Nerds) is Mecha-King Ghidorah's grandson. Meanwhile again, the pretty wittle Baby Godzilla has turned into Little Godzilla, who is just as dumpy and stupid as Minilla. SpaceGodzilla comes and fucks shit up before imprisoning Little G, much to Big G's anger. So, he journeys across Japan with the army attacking him while not giving a shit. Arriving on the scene with M.O.G.U.E.R.A. in tow, they find that SpaceGodzilla's transformed a skyscraper into an energy source because of plot devices. The mech and the Big G wreck shit up, and SG disappears. Whether he actually died or just ran away, we don't know. So, Little G is saved, and Godzilla goes back to the island to basically do nothing. Oh, I almost forgot, there's a side plot involving gangsters and psychic azn ladies too. Something which is of interesting note is that SpaceGodzilla is actually derived from Super Godzilla (see the Video Games section), the Beefed up form of Godzilla from the game of the same name, which was released a year earlier.

Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (1995)

For once, NATURE actually screws up instead of the evolved apes. Freaky shit happens on Birth Island causing Godzilla to overdose on some good radiation, which means he is gonna blow the fuck up in a few days. This will cause a nova of some sort that will result in the total destruction of the Earth. So, maybe it is good Rodan did his black magic shit two movies ago. Another enemy crab emerges due to a Cambrian organism becoming giant thanks to the Oxygen Destroyer's effects. Well, looks like Serizawa's "martyrdom" fucked us up even more! The crab becomes a rip-off of the Xenomorph and then merges together to form the kaiju version of the devil himself. Junior Godzilla, who actually looks like his daddy, kicks the early Destoroyah's ass, but then when the final boss version of him arises, he kills the son and kicks daddy's ass. Godzilla, logically enraged that he has had everything taken away from him in his quest to simply live a peaceful life, beats the shit out of Satan before the military finally repays the King for all of his misery and hard work, by dropping Destoroyah resulting in him exploding. The humans freeze Godzilla which makes him die without having all the other humanoid fucktards vaporize, and the King finally melts down. Tokyo becomes a nuclear graveyard for all of two seconds before Junior is resurrected by absorbing all of his daddy's radiation flatulence. A new Godzilla is born, proving that you DON'T fuck around with this guy. Depending on whether or not you were a Godzilla fan back in the day, you either had no idea what the fuck was going on, or bawled your eyes out a million times more than when Bambi's mom got fucked up. The film is now considered a favorite because the Angry Video Game Nerd a fad of yelling "DESTOROYAH", which most logical people find distracting and unfunny.

Godzilla 2000: Millenium (1999)

Even after killing off their best monster, SUPPOSEDLY for the final time, the 1998 abortion raped the name so hard that Toho saw no other choice than to revive their classic cash cow. Godzilla wreaks havoc with a badass design, but it's all for the greater good in order to prevent a giant whale turd from getting stronger. An Asian Randy Marsh, an Asian Willie Scott, and an obnoxious Asian daughter try to take pictures of and study Godzilla, but your typical crony capitalist returns to destroy Godzilla once and for all. The whale turd rises to the surface of the ocean and crumbles revealing it to be a light blue dildo that can fly and feed of the internet. Godzilla fights it for a bit but retreats back, and the U.F.O. nests on a building. The business douche tries to blow it up along with Randy Marsh but fails and Marsh rightfully calls him an asshole. The dildo then evolves into another fatass big-handed, small-headed, virgin with rage called Orga (despite the fact he will never probably experience an ORGAsm) and tries to devour Godzilla to make himself a clone of the King. Though once again, Godzilla's enemy proves he is not on the winning side of natural selection and doesn't take into account Godzilla can breathe fire right into his stomach and send him to the afterlife. Godzilla nonchalantly makes Orga explode, and the dumbass crumbles to dust. He does the right thing and drops the business douche from the skyscraper, leaving Tokyo with one less douchebag. Humanity starts to respect Godzilla, right before he actually does the one thing that would actually make them mad in the whole movie, and sets part of Tokyo ablaze. It was the last movie of the franchise (until the 2014 reboot) to be released in theaters in the U.S. It was made really fast in desperation to clean up the shit stain of Emmerich's fuck up as soon as possible. After this, every Godzilla installment from Toho would be released straight to DVD. So now, instead of all the little G-Fans worrying about their VHS tapes decaying or getting caught in the player, they would instead be able to worry more about the dirty and scratched disks skipping every ten minutes!

Godzilla, Mothra, and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack (2001)

In the film with the longest title in the entire series, Godzilla returns to his roots of badassery, in yet another film which makes Americunts angry. Possessed by the spirits of all the Wapanese killed by the Americunts, an undead Godzilla goes and...attacks Japan? Well, it's up to Mothra and King Ghidorah to fight him. But wait! There's another competitor who was unfortunately never mentioned in the title, and that is everyone's favorite puppy dog, Baragon. Baragon bravely fights Godzilla but gets roasted alive, amongst other tortures, just so we feel angry at Godzilla for doing this. Then, after several minutes of NOTHING HAPPENING, Mothra comes to town, and surprisingly, whoops Godzilla's ass. King Ghidorah comes along, but inexplicably lacks his wings, and Godzilla gets the munchies for his neck. Mothra gets roasted alive, but powers up King Ghidorah, who grows wings in a pretty, but garish CGI Sequence. He still loses, though. Then, the humans whip Godzilla's ass with a submarine and cause his neck to explode. Angry, Godzilla tries to fry them, but then promptly explodes, but his heart lives on. This film is notable for being the first instance of Toho planting a big 'FUCK YOU' to Tri-Star in their films. With all the explosions, quick comedy, and other great shit, it's as if Michael Bay was actually good at his job and directed a Godzilla movie.

Godzilla Against Mechagodzila (2002)

From this point onward, until 2004, Toho decided to create yet another continuity reboot but actually stick to the new canon. Once again, the Wapanese are angry at Godzilla and other kaiju for trashing Japan, so they go about trying to create a weapon to stop him. In a truly awesome moment, the scientists announce that they've found the skeleton of the original Godzilla from 1954. After constructing the new Mechagodzilla (actually named Kiryu) from the bones and some metal casing, their new badass toy is ready to do battle, complete with a sexy Asian lady piloting it from a jet that flies behind it. All goes along swimmingly, until Godzilla roars at the toy, causing it to get a sudden impulse to go for a High Score on Tokyo, and then goes to sleep. After that disappointment, they repair and fix the issue. Godzilla attacks again, but this time Kiryu and the azn kick his ass from Mt. Fuji to Yokohama! After using a powerful freezer cannon on Godzilla, Kiryu runs out of energy. However, Godzilla is left with a horrifyingly painful wound to his chest, and runs away like a pussy. Only to come back a year later, ripped, roarin', and pissed! For once, Japan is safe! Also, apparently some moron said "Godzilla sucks dick!" in this installment. Needless to say, he didn't survive too much longer in the Godzilla universe.

Godzilla: Tokyo S.O.S. (2003)

Anyway, the twins and Mothra return, and then shit starts going down. Kiryu is salvaged and then goes on to fight Godzilla, who is ready for some good ol' fashion revenge! Then Mothra shows up and the King whoops her ass as always. Kiryu gets involved, and actually deals decent damage by stabbing Godzilla in the chest. Then the two larvae Mothra show up and do their stupid shit of covering Godzilla in a cocoon of silk. CLEARLY, Godzilla had all of this planned to bind together his body to stop his bleeding. Then the inner Godzilla in Kiryu is released and then he carries his reptilian butt buddy to the bottom of the ocean. Afterward, Godzilla emerged from the ocean to partake in the craziest shit ever created by man.

Godzilla: Final Wars (2004)

Toho gave us the greatest temporary ending to any movie franchise ever. Everybody at the studio got drunk, high, and loaded on sugar, and went all out in this shitstorm. A team in another Guren Lagann mechaship, lead by a cross between Stalin and Sergeant Slaughter, actually imprisons Godzilla in a crack in the Arctic by using his missiles. Years later, other monsters appear and humanity beats the shit out of them. The aliens in a giant golf ball come down and tell the Earth that a meteorite is going to impact the Earth in a few days and cause another mass extinction. After that, the ninjas decide to team up, but they get betrayed and the aliens now control all the monsters to fuck up all the cities, while mixing in a very offensive, yet honest depiction of Americunts. The human ninjas decide to bring back Godzilla to fight the monsters, then lock him up again. All the while the ninjas are also fighting the aliens, so instead of having great monsters fighting, and boring humans doing pointless crap, you get major action from both sides. In the ending, Godzilla destroys a meteorite much bigger than himself lightyears away from earth. It is later revealed that the meteorite was just a casing for a new bad guy, Monster X. Monster X puts up a decent fight, but then transforms into an obese quadruped of King Ghidorah, known as Kaiser Ghidorah. Meanwhile, Mothra and a revamped Gigan duke it out, and Mothra suicide bombs his ass with fire. A bunch of people thinks that they can defeat the monster who just fucked everything up with regular guns, but a slightly cooler, but still retarded Minilla, and his little Asian friend, say "no" and make peace. Godzilla then returns to the ocean, and the movie ends.

Even during the apocalypse, Godzilla couldn't give less of a fuck.

Godzilla (2014)

Walter White resurrects himself, shaves his facial hair off, and starts a new family as a nuclear technician. Godzilla is brought to the surface of the Earth after a submarine journeys too deep into the ocean, while a bunch of parasitic Cloverfield hentai spawns reside in their pods. The male parasite emerges out of its pod after being uncovered and feeds off of a Japanese nuclear power plant that causes Bryan Cranston to lose his wife. Butthurt, White and his son, Ford, who is now grown up and married to the only talented Olsen twin, go to the quarantine plant and see that the parasite emerges and wrecks the place. Dubbed a Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organism, the M.U.T.O. uses his horny calls to wake up his female mate in Las Vegas, and they travel to San Francisco to fuck and make little babies. Godzilla hears their mating calls and takes it upon himself to be the mystical balance of nature, and all that hippity jippity bullshit, to kill the M.U.T.O.'S. and save the Earth. The military tries to blow the monsters to hell, but this miserably fails, and Ford and a bunch of other soldiers have to get the mega-nuke out of San Francisco before the town of marijuana, buttsex, and kaiju brawls goes to hell. Godzilla gets beaten pretty bad by the newlywed couple at first, but regains his strength and starts pwning them with his fire breath, tail, and muscles. He eventually impales the male, and decapitates the female with the BEST. FATALITY. EVER. Ford barely survives and somehow gets the nuke far enough away from the whole city by putting it on a slow-moving boat on autopilot for only 10 minutes. Godzilla wakes up, goes back to the ocean, and despite causing a tsunami and destroying so many buildings, he is hailed as a hero. TAKE THAT MAN OF STEEL! Every scene he's in is essentially a fangasm for everybody. This is good because of 123 minutes, Godzilla is in it for about 10 TOTAL. This is how the Godzilla World Order exposed the phony fans, who were not aware Godzilla has never really gotten too much screen time in his own films. But to be fair, cutting away to an unfunny joke after Godzilla makes his first epic appearance is STILL a pretty dick move. Regardless, the film has a billion times more thought, interest, and effort in it than any of Michael Bay's circle-jerking toy fantasies, yet Transformers: Age of Extinction made twice as more money than Godzilla did worldwide. Keep that in mind as you start to lose every last bit of hope you had left in humanity.

Shin Godzilla (2016)

The men from Japan decided that the 2014 film was so good, it deserved a sequel before Legendary finishes making its own. This time, EVERYTHING changes. Godzilla's no longer a nuked dinosaur, but a perfect organism who got mutated by eating radioactive waste. After coming ashore in a puppy-like form which fucks over Kamata and then mutates into a slightly bigger form, the government decides that they're going to bomb the shit out of it, and the Americans come in to join in the fun. As expected, Godzilla mutates into a fourth form that...completely ignores the army and the air force, until the Americans fuck everything up and result in Godzilla getting pissed off and obliterating Tokyo. A few days later, a plan is hatched that involves freezing Godzilla, and it works, but in the end, it turns out that Godzilla's making humanoids to fight the people who pissed him off up close, despite being frozen.

An amazing mindfuck, but what else would you expect from the man who created Neon Genesis Evangelion?

Godzilla: Monster Planet

In Godzilla's first anime appearance, shit gets real. Godzilla, now an ancient mutated plant standing 50 meters tall, appears in 2030 after a few years of monster attacks. Godzilla decided he was angry and killed 95% of humanity and most of the other kaiju to save Toho the cost of having to animate more characters. One of Humanity's allies created Mechagodzilla to kill Godzilla, but for the same reason as the other dudes dying, Mechagodzilla decided it didn't want to start (Toho confirmed this) and let its creators get shrekt by Godzilla. we follow humanity and a bunch of completely original and totally non-human aliens on a spaceship 20 years after Godzilla killed 95% of earth's population and the other kaiju. An edgy blue-haired anime dude decides he wants revenge on Godzilla and finds a way to kill him with electrified tent pegs. the other dudes agree and send the people back, only to find that they fucked up and 20,000 years has passed by (seriously, how do you do that with a super-advanced AI?). They decide to kill Godzilla anyway and after landing are immediately attacked by flying versions of Godzilla, because Legendary pictures currently has the rights to Rodan and they couldn't use him. Afterward, they encounter Godzilla. After realizing that dive-bombing him won't work after they try it 5,000 times or so they decide to enact the plan. they successfully kill Godzilla with the electrified tent pegs. However, a nearby mountain that magically appears (it's not there in the previous scenes, so where did it come from?) rises up, revealing that the Godzilla they killed was actually an actually scary version of manilla and that Godzilla is now 350 meters tall. Godzilla then proceeds to yell at the main characters so loudly that most of them die. the movie ends. Weebs were happy with this Godzilla, as were a good amount of the fans, and they are currently waiting for the next 2 films that will follow up on this one.

Television

Ultraman (and its sequels) (1966-)

Constructed by Eiji Tsuburaya, co-creator and special effects director behind the original Godzilla, Ultraman is what happens when you take the tried and tested formula for Kaiju films and place it on the small screen. This series is so expansive that it needs a page all to itself.

Godzilla: the Series (1978-1981)

Coming straight to you from the makers of Scooby Doo, Hanna-Barbera decided to sink their teeth into the franchise. Although it has that late-70's narm charm about it, and Godzilla doesn't even have his trademark roar and flat out shoots lasers from his eyes, it's actually pretty good, until Godzooky arrives.

Godzilla: the Series (1998-2001)

In some kind of miracle, this animated sequel to the 1998 piece of shit was ACTUALLY RATHER GOOD. Basically, the people who made Men in Black: the Series saw some Godzilla movies, and stopped trying to rip off Jurassic Park. After pussy Zilla gets owned, the last surviving egg hatches and the baby starts to see Nick as his new father. Over two seasons, Zilla Junior (or the REAL American Godzilla as he should be called) proves he is more badass than his dad by breathing green fire and fighting other monsters to the death. Even if he always needs help from his homo sapien friends, the guy for a young fighter isn't half bad. The human characters are a good amount of fun, and let's face it you guys, you liked seeing them the most when Monique was on-camera... In one episode, Zilla Junior flat out fights and kills his own father, who was rebuilt as a cyborg by aliens in space with anuses for heads. In another, Zilla Jr. finds a giant female Komodo Dragon, and after the sex, his new wife lays an egg, while Nick is having some relationship issues with a news reporter named Audrey, who is voiced by a person who can actually act this time around. By the end, Zilla loses both his wife and kid as they plummet into a crack, and the team there to help him ironically doesn't give too much of a shit that he lost his own family, and instead pay attention Nick and Audrey. WTF GUYZ? Also, Spongebob voiced a robot that is the Kenny McCormick of the show, as he gets destroyed in every episode.

Video Games

Godzilla: Monster of Monsters (1988)

In a perhaps fun game, you play as Godzilla or Mothra, and blast the fuck out of invading aliens as you journey across the Solar System to Planet X. Don't immediately take the reviews as a fact, this is actually could be a very underrated game. Though to be fair, playing as Mothra completely sucks dogshit, it makes no sense the giant monsters can get hurt by small little projectiles from Happy Meal-sized U.F.O.'s, you have to punch stuff in the background to proceed forward. and a lot of the fun of fighting bosses is taken away when you have to focus on a time limit that could be over at any time, but on the bright side, it does give you some time to heal up before returning to the battle. It did inspire a good Creepypasta though, but stops being so original halfway through when the girlfriend hoopla comes into place.

Godzilla (1990)

Why. Just. Why? Godzilla is a dragon from Bubble Bobble who fights kawaii-ised sprites of his most classic enemies with a punching glove that emerges from his mouth while he rolls rocks and climbs vines. Godzilla's head is also very fucked up on the title screen. Were these people just bad trolls trying to make Godzilla look bad to American audiences before 1998? However, if you somehow get your hands on the original Japanese version, it all begins to make sense. Godzilla in the original game is searching for his girlfriend, in a game that was actually inspired by an OVA of Godzilla that no one except the Wapanese actually watched. In the American and European versions, this plot is replaced with some shit involving Godzilla's friends taking Minilla and dropping him in a maze for the evulz.

Godzilla 2: War of the Monsters (1992)

Simzilla. Good grief. You control the military fighting against the monsters, but instead of, you know, actually using strategy tactics and planning to defeat them, a slot machine that never works in your favor determines what damage you do. The monsters regenerate your health, you don't which means you play a broken piece of crap where you are destined to lose 95% of the time. Who wants to play as the military in a Godzilla game anyway? It's the equivalent of playing as a Red Shirt in a Star Trek game. This game deserves every last bit of hate the Angry Video Game Nerd gave it.

Super Godzilla (1993)

Once again, another game that can be reviewed unfairly. While it has a confusing battle system and fairly slow movements with Godzilla (Because WE ALL KNOW THAT GODZILLA IS FASTER THAN USAIN BOLT), this game features a final battle with the definition of 'Next time you'll be in a film', being Bagan. It also has Super Godzilla, which is basically a nerfed Godzilla that looks 85% like Spacegodzilla. The graphics and sound effects are spot on, but the needlessly confusing battle system makes you wonder if the game was actually programmed by a real human being!

Godzilla Monster of War aka Godzilla: Kaijuu Daikessen aka Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters (1994)

Following the rules of Back to the Future on the Super Famicom/Super Nintendo, the only real good Godzilla game was only released in Japan! It's basically Super Street Fighter II: Turbo Hyper Godzilla Edition, with 2D sprites beating each other to pieces, like any normal fighting game would show! It was shown once in Nintendo Power magazine so that kids back in the mid-'90s could shit their pants with excitement, and then the fans never heard of it again until the internet flooded with fantards. People mostly find out about it nowadays thanks to crossover parodies, and also thanks to a select creed of deviantART users who make good custom monsters from the game's sprites.

Godzilla Generations (1998)

Another decent game that's only for the Japs. Released for the Sega Dreamcast, you take control of several monsters and finally get the simple game where you go around and stomp everything in sight, using much fire all the while! You even get to play as Minilla or Zilla (not that anybody would want to) and even a giant rampaging Dr. Serizawa holding the Oxygen Destroyer, along with some mechas that look like they belong in Evangelion...very unique premise here, nonetheless.

Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee (2002)

Now the games start getting REALLY GOOD. Players of the Gamecube and Xbox can take control of a decent amount of monsters and leave their opponents in bloody bruises as they tear apart cities and islands all over the world. The story is about a bunch of aliens failing at a takeover, so as you can tell, the whole plot is just some lame-ass excuse for fun. This game is also two players, so if you have buds that get very butthurt over-fail, this will destroy the friendship. The graphics are good, the sound is decent, and the moves and specials kick ass. Sony fanboys didn't get to play it though. But in two years, they would have their laugh at Nintenfags. Microsoft unfortunately stood on top here because they had both versions of Mechagodzilla, more arenas, and custom soundtracks.

Godzilla: Save The Earth (2004)

In yet another game in which the players gush over something which really hadn't changed that much, you get to control more monsters and fuck more shit up. An alien chick with apparel that makes Lady Gaga look subtle comes down and wants to do sciencey crap with Godzilla's D.N.A. You could also go down into the ocean and serve up some nice lobster by burning the fuck out of Ebirah, and plunge a submarine into the ocean. You can also go bowling with Godzilla, along with his best friends and enemies. Mothra in her larvae form is surprisingly strong, and the main villain you need to kill at the end is Spacegodzilla. The Ninentfags wept over this game because they were denied a port of it for the Gamecube, and instead, it came out for the Playstation 2 and Xbox. However, both the Nintendorks and the Americunts cried manly tears after it was revealed that the Japanese and Europeans could also play as Kiryu.

Godzilla: Unleashed (2008)

ONCE AGAIN, The aliens are at it. However, SpaceGodzilla decides to attack Earth with power-enhancing crystals for the lulz, so the Aliens squabble over the crystals. Sadly, if you thought you'd be beating up monsters most of the time, unless you're a mutant, YOU'RE WRONG! The game actively punishes you by decreasing your reputation with your monster pals for fighting Crystal-enhanced monsters, and if you even think about getting the useful and surprisingly awesome power surges, Mothra gets extremely pissed off. This time, it was the turn of the ECKS-BAWKS fans to cry, as the game was released only on the PlayStation 2 and Wii. It should be noted that the Wii version of this game is far superior, boasting more monsters, a less punishing reputation system, and far better graphics. The PS2 version is fun, but you'll still have to deal with Mothra getting pissed off at you. Once again, Godzilla Unleashed is a game which is really just an update on its previous games. There was also a port of this game called Godzilla Unleashed: Double Smash, which looks like it was made with 5 dollars in twenty minutes using left over graphics from 90's computers, and is basically Monster of Monsters except even worse. MUCH worse.

Godzilla: The Game (2014/15)

And here we are with Toho's finest achievement yet. You play as Godzilla (or other monsters as well in the PS4 version) and smash stuff up and beat each other down! That's about as simple as it is. Featuring a massive roster of characters from MechaGodzilla to Destoroyah (and then some), this game is great fun to play if you have a few moments put aside. Although this game doesn't feature local multiplayer, and the controls are a bit heavy, this game probably features the most accurate designs for Godzilla yet. The only downside is that you have to unlock EVERYTHING.

To sum it up, this video game branch of the franchise is all over the place in terms of quality.

Godzilla Fans

Onigojirakaiju - In all honesty, his own ED page speaks for himself.
Bronies - Unfortunately, My Little Pony's legion of neckbearded ponyfags refuse to leave anything alone. Like anything else, they feel the need to shit out terrible crossovers involving Godzilla fucking around with Ponies and being nice to them. This is literally cancer in its worst form.
James Rofle - Yep, the Angry Video Game Nerd himself is a fan of the King of the Monsters. Must be easy to relate to him seeing as how he's always pissed off as well! He REVIEWED EVERY GODZILLA MOVIE EVER (though this was in 2008) and got a decent amount of lulz from it. Then the copyright hammers came down on him over 5 years later on YouTube! He apparently hates M.U.T.O. though... His reviews on the Video Games were also rather biased, but still watchable. However, his riff on the new Godzilla game is anything but pretty, as he blamed all his problems on the game and not his own style of play.
Steven Spielberg - Everybody's favorite film Jew states the original is one of the most inspiring movies he has ever seen in his career of making other films that made way more money than it. So stay tuned when he finally puts together Godzilla vs. E.T. vs. Indiana Jones vs. Jurassic Park vs. Jaws vs. Schindler's List. It's gonna be great.
Tim Burton - Back when his name was attached to genuinely good films instead of shit CGI remakes of already good movies, Burton also drew inspiration from such films like the Godzilla series. Unfortunately, his army of Hot Topic fanboys are less familiar with the monster.
John Carpenter - The guy who brought you some of the scariest fucked up stories and imagery ever also idolizes and talks a lot about the Godzilla franchise. If only other directors would stop remaking his classics into box-office and Halloween-seasoned shit.
George Takei - Voiced in the English dub of Godzilla Raids Again, and was sadly uncredited. Has rather fun memories of acting in enjoyably bad films though! [Insert unfunny "Oh my Joke" here.]
Matthew Broderick - Ferris Bueller is a fan of the King, so imagine his regret when he discovered the film he starred in was the biggest slap in the dick to the franchise of all time. [Insert unfunny "That's A LOT of fish!" reference here.] How one can go from being the main star of one of the best war movies ever made, to the main star of an ungodly awful 1990's blockbuster remains to be one of Hollywood's biggest mysteries.
Rob Walker - Brother of the Nostalgia Critic. Both liked the new film, but Rob has a more familiar history with the franchise before Edwards's reboot was release. Made for a big Sibling Rivalry.
Angry Joe - Everybody's favorite raging webcamer (ok, maybe not), was disappointed by the new movie not having too much Walter White or Godzilla, despite seeing previous installments. So let, the usual fanboy rage over whether or not the new installment was good begin!
Jurassic Park Fans - Fans of the most badass mutant dinosaur franchise ever, are introduced to the biggest dinosaur franchise ever. Do the math. It's actually neat to see the connection until you discover the infamous T. Rex vs. Spinosaurus debate. Don't get involved, because regardless of which dinosaur you root for, you are guaranteed to act like a huge faggot regardless.
Comic Book Fans - Marvel fans like him because he stared in a crossover comic for 24 issues. At the very end of the story, the Fantastic Four, Avengers, and X-Men COMBINED couldn't do jack shit to him. DC Comic fans just want to go into another shitty and useless fight debate over whether or not the Justice League could win in a fight with Godzilla. Again, unless you wanna pis off fantard from both sides, just don't get involved.
Every Other Nerd in Existence - Yeah, the King of the Monsters' influence has spread all over the internets, whether it is for the greatest good, or the most diarrhea-constipated awful.
You - Admit it. We won't beat you up over liking this giant monster! Just don't go speculating wildly and messing up the King's good name.

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Featured Article April 11-15, 2021
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