Middle Ages

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The Middle Ages, aka the Dark Ages, Forty-something, or the Medieval Period, are the completely fucked up 1000 years between late Antiquity and the Renaissance which came to be after the fall of the Imperium Romanum, and was filled with outrageous and abominable shit like the Black Death, the crusades, Famine, War, a small Ice Age, the crusades again, Black Death, Black Death, and again, the freakin Crusades.

All that insane ammount of pwnage was mainly fuelled by christian and muslim fanatism, and many scholars are convinced that we would already have explored a considerable chunk of our galaxy if this shit hadn't gone down that way, but fuck it, let's see what happened back then so that some of us may be able to learn from it for the future, or at least have a good laugh before we resume fapping.

Periodisation

Has nothing to do with bleeding cunts, its all about the chronology and categorization of history. The Middle Ages are divided in the early, high and late Middleages, but because you do not care we will lump all together and call it a day. IF you do care, then fuck off to Wikipedia.

Arabs are like this since the middle ages, NEVAR CHANGE ARABS YOU'RE PERFECT

Society

The medieval Society in Europe was made up of the three estates, Nobles, the Clergy, and Peasants, the Peasants were doing all the work while the two other estates were calling the shots, and fighting over the Title 2nd in command after God himself. That childish dick waving contest was going on between the holy roman emperor and the Pope for centuries, leading to one of them getting trolled or being murdered, which was not that tragic at all since there were enough fuckers in line for the crown or the papal tiara. Besides the important job of pissing off the emperor, and molesting altar boys, the church had to pray for the salvation of the souls of everyone else who was earning a living through honest work. The Job of the Nobles and the Knights was to rule and fight, which ment that in case of shit hitting the fan they had to protect the peasants and the clergy, something which 90% of the time resulted in letting some smelly monks, and farmers crash on their couch, until the invading hordes from the north or the east went on to pillage, rape and burn somewhere else.

One of the Knights of the downed table

Oh, and before anyone asks, knights weren't the white knights that you find on the internet. They went around raping and pillaging anyone and anything that they could find. Meanwhile, the remainder of the population were too busy inbreeding to do anything about it.

Meanwhile, in Arabia, the world's first Terrorist began his lulzy reign of terror, and lowered the age of consent [1] because he could.

Daily Life

Aside from famine, plague, infant mortality, tyrants, barbarians, church-instated cock-block, and everywhere smelling like a mix of shit and body odor, life in the middle ages actually wasn't that different from today. Of course, back then there was no Industrialization and so every single thing you ate had just come out of the ground covered in dirt and worm shit. In this way, medieval life probably would have been a hippie's wet dream.

Vikings

If you ever have encountered scandinavian tourists you know how the average european peasent must have felt back in the day. The Vikings swept over europe like a wave of unshaved rage, pillaging, rapeing and burning everything that was not already on fire. If the encountered locals could be turned in to currency they were taken back to the north, many of those turned into slaves were Monks which were more than eager to get martyred.

Art

Compared to Ancinet times, medieval Art was medicore, not even quiet medicore more like the shitty comics you see on tumblr, or those pencil drawings of Sonic the hedgehog which were made by 16-year-old-girls and which will never make it to the Frontpage of Deviantart. While the Statues of antiquity were the works of skillfull masters like Phidias, who was able create lifelike depictions of the human body down to the vein on a guy’s dick, the average medieval sculpture looked like it was made by a retard who pounded the chisel with his asshole.

Communication

Day to day communication during the Dark Ages was conducted through a complicated version of sign language which included swords, clubs and axes and could lead to serious missunderstandings and the loss of life. More reasonable forms of communication like spoken language, and, in some rare cases, even written language, were a fad that didnt catch on until the early 16th century. Neverthough the first experiments were done with the rests of the latin the romans left behind, which created the romanic tongues (french, spanish, portugese, italian, gay-italian, romanian), the slavic languages, and the germanic of which the barbaric english-babble is a part of.

Religion

Religion in the Middle Ages was Christian, anything else was forbidden and exterminated at sight, except maybe Judaism. Jews were kept in secluded parts of Town to be beaten up, or burnt if something went wrong and god did demand a sacrifice, everyone else lived in constant fear of Hell, because of the strict rules the church made up almost no one was safe from being tossed into the infernal abyss where Satan himself would sodomize them with his fiery Schlong for all eternity. To save their filthy little souls from eternal Humpnation people were paying the church dearly, and the Church had a pricelist for every Sin the medieval Mind could come up with, even for the rape of Saints, or the thought of it. Since cashing in on perverted desire always was and always will be the best source of income, the church got rich as fuck and spent the following Millennium on male Hookers and Blow.

Monasteries

Monasteries were places of labor and worship, populated by pious Monks and Nuns who spent their days in prayer, study, and a weekly same-sex-orgy. Another important function of such citadels of faith was the care for semi retarded or ugly relatives of the Nobility. If you were the 3rd fugly illegitimate daughter of the King of France, and not even your 13-year old, inbreed, horny brother dared to look at you, then you were disposed of at the Nunnery, where you would write tasteless poetry, prayers or slash-fiction about Jesus and Judas, namely the same shit fat and ugly chicks do today.

Pope

Being the freaking Pope was one of the best jobs available, you just didn’t have to be too obsessed with details, like the stuff Christ may have said.

John XII.

Got the Job at the age of 18, through the help of his Dad who happened to be a local Nobleman. Johnny’s papacy was quiet what you would imagine from a spoiled 18-year old: a never ending Frat party with the addition of raped Nuns, satanic Rituals and the castration of Monks. Jhonny died at the ripe age of 28 through stroke, the stroke of a Mallet, held by a man who just found the pope in his bed, and in his wife.

Stephan VI.

Best known for putting the corpse of his predecessor on trial, and sentencing said corpse to, believe it or not, death. Got pwnd himself by hanging, for forcing his necrophilia on the public and being an asshole.

Innozenz IV.

The Guy who invented the Inquisition to troll and pwn all the heretics, muslims and Jews. It is said that he himself invented new ways to torture people for fun and profit, and that he was more than eager to do the cutting, breaking and burning himself. Today he would be considered as a workaholic.

Afterlife

If you have lived a good and just life, which in plain english would translate as: If you didnt question the churchs bullshit, payed the church, failed at enjoying sex, didnt eat certain food items during the wrong day of the week, and if you did abstain from cursing, you would go to heaven to watch the glory of god for all eternity in everlasting bliss, but if you failed to do all these things and many more (read the bible for detailed information), and we know you and any other breathing thing would fail to do so, you would be cast into hell to burn and suffer for all eternity, which is quiet a long time especially towards the end. To sum it up, if you did it right you would recieve nothing else than the questionable honor of starring at god, while he is doing divine things like his allmighty laundry, if you did it wrong, you would be tortured for all eternity, possibly by getting sodomized by demons and watching Satan doing his laundry, but after the first five billion years the buttsecks would lose all the horror and it would be all the same like in heaven. An alternative may be to join Islam, do the Jihad and earn 72 Virgins. But even if you dont die for Allah you would recieve marvelous benefits like a palace that reaches to the horizon, thousands of servants, an everlasting party with drinks, drugs, porkchops and the amazing ability of never ever having to use the bathroom again. A normal person would get bored after the first three weeks of that sort of party, but if you consider the mindset and low intellect of the average believer you understand how this could go on forever.

Drugs

Since no one gave a shit about peasants seeing purple dragons and foaming out of the mouth, people could go high on all the stuff available in the woods (or everything the cat dragged home) and many did so, although the primary mean of getting fucked up was alcohol. Important side effects of drug experiments during that time were divine revelations, weird paintings, brain damage, being burned as witch, and leading a crusade to the holy land.

Medicine

Medical Science in the Middleages was not a real science, but more like a collection of stupid, unproven and dagerous concepts, of which some happend to work, but most the time they didnt, which resulted in pain, death and lulz for the survivors... until they got the measles. Many cures did include bloodletting, prayer, exorcism, fucking a virgin, being touched by a king, or consuming bodyparts of an executed criminal, and none of that was covered by social security. Some of these cures were only affordable by the nobility who had enough cash to buy the bones of saints to get rid of that rash on their scrotum, unfortunately that did work as well as the cow-dung the peasents rubbed on their balls, it did nothing at all. Most of the time physicians had just to resort to remove the part that was affected by a disease, which ment they had to give anesthesia to the patient(make him/her as drunk as possible) and start sawing. If your leg got infected, it had to go, if you had toothache, your tooth had to go, if you got pneumonia, you had to go, but for the usual pain and suffering you could purchase Theriac at the local drugstore. Theriac was a mix of viper flesh, roots, oils, herbs and freakin opium, which beside the other shit, actually worked So the best way to stay alive and healthy during this time was to avoid physicians, hookers and large crowds, especially when the black death was around, or the Mongols.

Sex

Since the church was hellbent on enforcing gods will, and monitoring the lawfull exercise of human intercourse with the zeal of a horny pervert, certain ways of screwing were not allowed, or only allowed on a national holiday from 10pm to 12pm.

forbidden

Three-way
woman-on-top
Rim job
Blow job
Hand job
Dirty Sanchez
Angry Dragon
Charly Sheen Special
Jacking off
Jacking off someone else

Watching someone Jack off

punishable by death

Faggotry
Furrfaggotry
Zoophilia

legal

Missionary Position
pedophilia

non-existant

deodorant