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Aurora Theatre Shooting
The Aurora Theatre Shooting (aka "The Midnight Movie Massacre") took place on Friday, July 20th, 2012 following our hero, James Holmes, taking it upon himself to liberate the citizens of Gotham City through an act of mass pwnage. Some argue that his 'epic quest' was in reality nothing more than an attempt to achieve the all-time high score; currently held by Anders Breivik. Sadly for Holmes and his country, he came nowhere near the figure achieved by the gallant Norwegian and America must therefore continue to wait for her champion in order to the reclaim the rank of 'most batshit-crazy country in the world'.
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| Born | December 13, 1987 |
| Nationality | Americunt 
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| Highscore | Killed 12 (13 if you count the miscarried fetus)
Injured 70 |
| Style | FPS, Single Player |
| An Hero | No (Surrendered) |
| Title | The Clown Prince |
| Rank | 23rd Place 1st: Anders Behring Breivik 2nd: Woo Bum-kon 3rd: Martin Bryant 22nd: David Gray 24th: Derrick Bird |
—Awestruck patron | ||
Besides aiming for the high score another motivation for the act has been telegraphed by a number of death threats made to critics who poured scorn upon The Dark Knight Rises. Fans were devastated to learn that the multitude of poor reviews were infact 100% accurate. Holmes, in an original take on the situation, decided to express his crippling dissatisfaction to other movie-goers and so attended a midnight screening in order to supply them with a truly 'interactive 3D' experience.
The Attack
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Gameplay Action
Utilising the power of the internet and with the assistance of accomodating firearms-retailers, Holmes managed to aquire four guns and six-thousand rounds of ammunition only sixty days prior to commencing his one-sided game of bullet-tag. Adorned in protective garments that even the most zealous FPS-cosplayer would envy, he purchased a ticket to the midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises and infiltrated the theater. He then proceeded to walk out through the fire-escape to retrieve his arms-cache from the car. Seemingly oblivious to the attention he had already attracted to himself and apparently forgetful of the fact that he was still in possession of a valid ticket, he kicked in the door before unleashing a flurry of smoke-bombs and bullets towards the eagerly expectant crowd. Seventy-one people were hit during the assault, twelve of whom died(13, if you count the miscarriage one woman had in the hospital); given the numbers present and fire-power at his disposal this is a pretty pedestrian score in comparison to other members of the 'spree-killer' scoreboard.
Unable to muster the courage required to off himself (and thereby add another point to his killcount) Holmes was apprehended by the police approximately ten-minutes after the massacre. He is now in custody and believed to be wrapped up safe and warm in the well-oiled arms of Bubba being rehabilitated.
Graded Score
| Graded score | |
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| Kill count: | 12/20 (70 Injured) |
| Accuracy: | 17/20 |
| Style: | 18/20 |
| Butthurt: | 18/20 |
| Bonus: | 20/20 The Dark Knight rises.. |
| Total score: 85/100 (B) | |
Wanted Level:
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National Guard
The Man Behind the Gasmask
Those acquainted with Holmes overwhelmingly mentioned how quiet and reclusive he had been, suggesting that he was strongly familiar with the darker corners of the Internet. While the man had been enrolled in a Neuroscience PhD program, he had recently dropped out (and subsequently spent hours training for action on Call of Duty).
Apparently Holmes had created an Adult Friend Finder account prior to the attack in which he was dressed as The Joker. On this account he asked for a fuck buddy who'd visit him in prison. Luckily for Holmes, his sexual impulses will probably be handled by his future cellmate.
—TMZ | ||
Although Holmes was a quiet neighbor, police found that his apartment was filled to the brim with booby traps. This suggests that, instead of being batshit insane, Holmes is simply a Libertarian trying to protect himself from the long arm of The Man.
Motive
Although Holmes most likely did it for the lulz, others argue that he did it because he was saving the residents of Gotham City. Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not the hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector... a Dark Knight.
Insanity or for the Lulz?
As the story unfolds, newly discovered evidence about our noble hero James paints a picture of what goes on in his head.
- As seen on his find a fuck buddy account, he is a fan of The Joker.
- When asked about himself, he said he was The Joker.
- Despite claiming to be The Joker, he dyed his hair the wrong color. Orange is the hair color of Jim Carrey's Riddler, not the Joker.
- In order to maintain the gunpowder on his hands, the police placed his hands in plastic bags. Holmes then treated the bags as sock puppets.
- Holmes, while behind bars, has been spitting on guards and requested a summary of how the film ends.
James Holmes Releases a Statement
Now this is the story all about how
Dark Knight came out, but got shut down
And I'd like to take a minute just stop and freeze
I'll tell you how I became the hero that Gotham needs
In sunny California born and raised
In the classroom was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out, learnin', and earnin' my degree
And then headin' up to Denver for some neurosurgery
When I got bored with life, and I dyed my hair red
And bought a bunch of guns to shoot your family dead
I went to one little town and I hatched a plan
And said "it's really fuckin' simple -- we kill the Batman!"
I hit up all the shops, and it became clear
That I'd have to use the web to buy my armor and gear
If I could say anything, it'd be a walk in the park
'Cuz the kids can't run fast when they're trapped in the dark
I, came, in with a mask as I walked through the door
And I fired off my shotty, tried to beat Cho's high score
Looked at the theatre, stopped to survey my deeds
Why so serious, cops? I'm the hero you need
The Media Reacts
As per usual, old media decided to molest this story until it was put into foster care. Profound questions have been posed, such as 'did film violence cause this to happen?', and 'should we be exposing children to violent media?'. Of course, within a week this parent-baiting rabble will be abandoned as a new violent news story grips the attention of the public masses.
Meanwhile, this faggy Christopher Nolan fanboy had this to say about it.
And, of course, radio host Alex Jones hedges his bets by claiming that it was a mind-control conspiracy and that if Holmes turns out to be a fan it will all be a non-existent CIA plan.
The Community Reacts
Judging by the following photographic documentation, not everyone was "devastated" by the incident; some managed to laugh their way through the entire ordeal while others were just hanging around waiting for the next showing...
In the three days following Friday, two-thousand, eight-hundred and eighty-seven patriots based within the state of Colorado have wanted to purchase firearms; a surge of 43% on the same period the week beforehand... more lulz are eagerly anticipated.
Anonymous
Following the massacre, the @Anonnews twitter-feed encouraged its followers to tweet #Baleoutaurora in an effort to get the 'doubles guy' and star of TDKR, Christian Bale, to visit the scene of the massacre. Some argue that Bale, internationally renown as a sociopathic unfeeling automaton, would be extremely unlikely to comply and that were he to visit any survivors he would, in all likelihood, attempt to finish the job. HOLY SHIT HE ACTUALLY WENT AND SPARED THEIR MISERABLE LIVES!
Holmies
Recently a new group of fanboys was birthed from the bowels of Tumblr, dubbing themselves "holmies". Whether they're doing it for the sake of irony, or because "they feel the same way about how nobody understands them", will likely remain undecided, the only agreed viewpoint being that glorifying someone who wanted to blow their brains out is pretty damn odd. Holmies "express their culture" by dressing in flannel (which they would do anyway) and drink slurpees because they somehow tied this to James Holmes.
Holmes framed?
A number of conspiracy theorists have taken to the idea that the shooting was part of a larger government operation to silence James' father Robert from exposing the Jewish fraud crippling the American economy. James was allegedly drugged and used as a puppet of the ZOG so that he would be forced onto death row despite Colorado laws against the death penalty, and thus force his father to keep his mouth shut if he wishes to save his son.
Videos
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Gallery
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The cheery face of a killer. -
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The sincerest form of flattery. -
TDKR = DA BOMB? -
Fucking Hipsters... -
James Holmes looks like Weev! -
How liberals viewed the tragedy. -
This is actually Weev! Don't they look identical? -
Luckily for this movie goer, he was in the only movie theatre that had a superb special effects team. -
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See also
External Links
- One of the first stories on the theatre lulzfest
- Old media finds his sex profile
- Another James Holmes on FailBook is accused of being the shooter. Lulz are had
- Wikipedia's article of the event
- Aurora shooting suspect James Holmes jailed in solitary: ‘All the inmates were talking about killing him’
- American Family Association: Churches Supporting Gays Caused Colorado Massacre
- Names of the 12 victims of the Colorado shooting massacre are released
- EDF2: Aurora Theater FPS thread
- The Clown Prince (game) mirror
Insights Into the Mind of Madness
The meaning of his shooting was him pushing what he found in himself onto reality (his truth). The meaning of the shooting was the negation of meaning. (Basically, the guy was a nut.):
- http://www.buzzfeed.com/claudiakoerner/heres-what-james-holmes-wrote-in-his-notebook-before-the-aur
- http://dptv.denverpost.com/2015/05/27/james-holmes-notebook-testimony-theater-shooting/
- http://extras.denverpost.com/trial/docs.html
- http://www.westword.com/news/aurora-theater-shooters-notebook-insights-into-the-mind-of-madness-6749684
| Featured article July 24 & 25, 2012 | ||
| Preceded by Dangerman |
Aurora Theatre Shooting | Succeeded by Adalia Rose |
