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Doomsday Preppers
Doomsday Preppers are a species of American douchebag, set aside by the wisdom of Divine Providence to provide much needed sustenance to Maoist guerillas in the dark days to come.
Entry requirements
The following criteria are very strict - do not even ask to be considered a Doomsday Prepper if you aren't sure you meet them all. You must have:
- Inherited 80 acres or more of land.
- Have no job other than selling your Doomsday Expertise to like minded fellows.
- Be allowed to own a gun in the United States (either an AK-47 or a .50-caliber machine gun).
- Be willing to use it to kill endless legions of parasites, mouchers, and idiots who dare to sully your horizon with their shadow.
- Take the time to lay up at least a year of supplies of every type to grow moldy in your basement.
- Own all kinds of random security shit like cameras, fences, dynamite, bulldozers, homemade tanks, etc.
- Have some bat shit crazy explanation of why the world is about to end.
As these principles of competitive enterprise and mindless consumerism that produces no merchantable product are at the very heart of the American identity, Doomsday Preppers are among the very highest of American social castes.
Hunting
The key to cracking the Doomsday Prepper's shell to get at the sweet meaty goodness is to get them to "bug out", which isn't hard. Remember, garden variety Video Gamers and Internet Trolls are just as batshit crazy, but can enjoy life watching Internet pr0n because they aren't total cowards. When the Bomb drops, you die, big fuckin' deal. But Preppers are afraid of anything. Just about any group recreational activity involving fire is sure to get them moving. (Just be sure to loot the abandoned compound before you lose anything important)
Once the Prepper is out on the road -- your road -- you need to create some kind of a barrier so that the tires of his tricked out homemade tank stay still in your rifle sights, or better yet so that one of them comes out to investigate the burned-out car/hanged corpse/etc. Once their vehicle or companion is wounded, others can be picked off as they go to investigate. If you've done your "Doomsday Prepping" with companions or cameras watching the ambush spot, they can't hit you and you can hit them, even if they're behind their dumbass steel plates. If they want to wait, let them listen to the Muzak that isn't playing on 911 because their cell phone is dead.
If they came out on their own before you could make them bug out, they may have left their cunts & spawn behind, which can be dangerous. Finish up by driving the liberated vehicle back into their compound in the early morning hours, holding a bright light out the door so they can't see you, and laying on the horn. They're sure to run out in a hurry, and you can decide whether it is better to kill or rape them in self-defense.
Planning for the Future
The Doomsday Prepper is a testament to the importance of good disaster planning. When out-of-control nanotech turns off the power and causes the Death Of The Internet forever, it is best to already have a map printed out of where all the Doomsday Preppers in the area live so that you can beat the rush to get their stuff.
YouTube
- Things Preppers Have Not Thought About
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