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Front Mission 5
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Huffman Island seriously needs a clean up Somebody should do something about it. |
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Front Mission 5, otherwise known as Transformers to Americunts was a part of Square Enix's first ever game series that's not related to anime in any way, but is also their success attempt. Many fans of the series went butthurt and baaaawed over the fact Square Shitex decided to make this game Japan only. Square Enix's fun was ruined when an hero called Angelo Pineda made a translation of the game,holy shit Square, the fun is over. Apparently the game is about giant mechas blowing the fuck out of each other, but due to it's genre it's giant mechas TAKING TURNS blowing the fuck out of each other.
—Angelo Pineda | ||
Who gives a shit, at least there is a translation and eBay.
Fun Facts.
This game is boring.
This game IS BORING.
A third person shooter that takes no thinking at all is more fun.
Considered one of the worst games in history, many fans are disappoint. This been official since forever.
This game provides sexy army women, but for some reason they stopped cooking in the mess hall.
As a result, sandwich prices skyrocketed in Japan during the games release.
This game isn't anime.
This game just became anime.
The main character is Asian.
Most recruit-able characters are completely worthless.
This is the first Japanese game to have black people in it.
YOU CAN NOW HAVE ROBOTIC IMPLANTS, WARNING: SIDE EFFECTS INCLUDED MEMORY LOSS AND AIDS.
The game had more sales than Halo 3....In Japan
The game was bought on eBAY 0 times and the English patch was applied -1 times.
You lost the game reading this.
You will always fail the survival simulator.
All rule 34 pictures are the same thing all over again, just recolored.
Apparently Randy is dating Hector's little sister.
Bragging rights
If you ever played the Front Mission series, which is rare because of the fact nobody gives a shit about the series, and own Front Mission 5, you have bragging rights over all the other fanboys. One way to troll them is by bragging on how the game was 10x better than all the other games and say too bad they couldn't get it. They will instantly be jealous of you and envy you for having the game. Never give the link to the translation site, or else they will spread it and you will not be able to troll anyone anymore.
Characters
Walter Feng: Not your usual army Asian, because hes not a commie and can drive a giant fucking mech without crashing it into a wall. Overall badass.
Lynn Wenright: Walter's bitch, and she started the whole plot hole of "Home 34". She, and a few Final Fantasy characters are proof Square has a fetish for white haired women.
Morgan Bernard: Unlike Sephifag and all the other bosses in a Square Enix game, this guy is an old shit instead of the usual boss, aka a long haired gay guy.
Morgan Bernard: After suicide bombing Morgan was able to transfer his mind to another body and continue his life from there.
Glen Duval:The only useful Australian to join a war, evar.
Jew: Drunk of the game. No people, he is an atheist.
black person: A black fail spelling Edward Cullen that never shuts the fuck up, nigger of the game.
Damon Manfield:Second nigger of the game, first guy who joins your party and never talks.
Landy O'nier: Fat bitch.
All of the other characters don't matter as they suck ass and have nothing to do with the storyline at all.
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Hector.
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Randy.
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Walter.
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Damon.
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black person
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Glen and his trusty kangaroo.
Internet Drama
Though this may seem like a regular game, this is part of the "Front Mission project" which is a plan to ruin the entire game series so Square Enix can obtain the lulz they need to feed their evil creation called Final Fantasy. The plan was completely simple, make the entire world and internet go butthurt. First they start with Front Mission 5, they make it the best game in the series then before the release they announce,
FRONT MISSION 5 WILL BE JAPAN ONRY YOU STUPID EUROPEANS AND AMERICANS.
5 seconds later, butthurt. Everyone spams Square Enix with UMG MAKE FRONT MISSION 5 IN AMERICA. Though they don't realize if a game is Japan only, it is Japan only. Phase 2 of the plan was for Square Enix to make America and Europe think they will release Front Mission 5 in America, which worked as well. Later they revealed that it will actually be a shitty and generic TPS called Front Mission Evolved, and so everyone spams "OMG WTF WHY DON'T YOU JUST MAKE FRONT MISSION 5 IN THE WEST, AMERICA DOESN'T LIKE SHITTY AND GENERIC TPSes" If America doesn't like shitty and generic TPSes, then why did Call of Duty Modern Cocksucking 2 have such great sales in America? After that, Square Enix made a remake of Front Mission 3 for PSN, and made it Europe only. The west got so much butthurt they had to wear the iron butt. which itches, badly. The fourth phase of the plan, which is going to start today, September 28,2010 is to make sure Front Mission Evolved turns out shitty and then blame the series, kill the series, fire the team that makes the Front Mission games, and stick with Final Fantasy. Which would cause the most butthurt ever.
Gameplay
The game play is similar to chess. It's so simple even a twelve year old can do it, even if they don't even know what it is. It is explained in very simple way.
1.Go to the hangar, overpower Walter's weapons. If everything is already overpowered over power someone else! DUH!
2.Deploy of course.
3.Choose where to deploy every single person on your team.
4.Choose where to move.
5.Press attack
6.End up killing your own team mates due to Square Enix's realism modification.
7.???
8.Profit!!!
Outside the whole battlefield you can talk to people(but unlike Mass Effect you can't choose what to say to them all the time, or else i would call them all cunts by now) and you can do the shitty ol survival simulator.
In other words, gameplay is complete shit but still worth the try.
Survival simulator
Shittiest feature in the game, in order to get most of the most awesome mechs like the ass-rape bot, Megatron, and the Grille Sex. There are at least 100 floors in this mode of the game, and usually in order to get everything you would have to spend 9001 hours in the god damn simulator. Luckily there is quicksave. Its like a real battle, but only a simulation. For gameplay it is the same thing, but there is a twist.
1.Move
2.Press attack
3.Deal 2x damage as a bonus for the mode
4.Get to floor 99
5.Attempt to beat it, but fail and start from floor one again.
And then Repeat. If you waste at least 100 hours in the survival simulator it is confirmed you have no life at all.
Plot
Unlike other games, somehow the storyline isn't complete shit. In fact they have been planning this since 1995. it talks about an interesting army life, in other words rape,communists, Americunts, and friendly fire. Mostly, friendly fire. This time the storyline, ironically isn't about Cloud trying save the world from Sephiroth, but since Cloud made a cameo in one of the games, the series was considered entirely nothing but fail from then on. The game takes place in 2005, but is actually decades in the future. Years in the future, some german scientist invented the mech, but he made them completely shitty, one helicopter can take down an army of these shitbag excuse for mechs, but hell its realsim. Apparently the mechs are called wankers wanzers. The assholes who made this decided to actually make the Australians apart of one of the most powerful super nations with the Japs and Philippines, which is unbelievable because Australia fails at war, big time. Its the Japs and Philippines doing all the work out there, the Aussies are just going on the backlines. Apparently the Aussies idiotically decided to start war with the Americans, who also formed a supernation twice their size over a small island called Huffman Island(Better than the Kirby names for an island am i rite?)at first the Aussies failed hard but now they want to start war with America again, come on America they are asking for genocide. For half of this game, it is your job to kill every Aussie in your sight, except Glen because he is your friend but hell it's his fault, he should have joined America if he didn't want his god damn ass kicked. On the last day of the war your friend Randy gets killed because the asshole didn't take cover and decided to take on a mega kick ass giant mech by himself and thus Walter, your good ol Asian that can drive baaaaws about it for three complete years, THREE YEARS MAN! After that he joins the marines, blah blah blah, he has sex with Lynn, blah blah blah, he joins an anti terrorist groups, blah blah blah, Alaska is nuked.
The end.
Factions
- Oceania Communist Union(OCU)
After taking communist ideas such as censoring the internet of "child porn" such as small breasts, Australia has finally decided to become commies themselves. Everything has changed except the fact their military sucks balls. Often uses slaves like Japan and the Philippines to do the work for them.
- United States of Niggermerica(USN)
During the 2040s the Crips took over the United States, the result was a super nation full of crackhead niggers running around the entire place raging war on everyone white or communist they can find, using White and Asian(AKA Walter) slaves to do the work for them. When they came across the Oceania Communist Union their only thoughts were "Oh gawd, these white boys be taking the KFC from Huffman Island" And so the war raged on between the two FAGtions
Oh look at all these awesome mech designs!
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Awesome.
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Shittiest mech in the game.
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One of the other few good looking mechs in the game.
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Best mech in the game is the ugliest.
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As i said, awesome.
Books and manga.
During a 10 minute conference Square Enix went, "Hey how about we make a book for the entire series! That way video game hating but book loving nerds will suck the cock of the series!"
So they made an entire fucking book about the artwork and storyline. Now you can read about the Aussies and Russians failing to defeat America while taking a look at the first ever non anime Japanese artwork! Isn't that exciting? Not only that but they made a manga series for the weeaboos out there and changed the whole fact that Front Mission isn't anime art style! The mangas actually do have a good side, they are just like every other manga!
—Angelo Pineda | ||
Just what Japan likes and does all the time, war rape. Thanks for pointing out Front Mission was poisoned by it too, Angelo.
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Instead of raping the men like in all mangas the soldiers just killed them.
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OH SHIT THE AUSSIES DID 9/11!
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Side effects of using giant mechas in a war.
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Watching a mecha teabag someone really can make a camera man orgasm.
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headshot.
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Real men cry blood!
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This is why you never sit in front of the window on the subway train.
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The only mech you can pilot from it's penis.
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Oh lawl is that a sex scene?
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Square wasn't lying when they said the manga had gang rape.
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HOLY SHIIIIT!!!!
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The entire manga summarized in two pages.
He has sex with his superior officer?
It's probably the usual reaction you will get from actually playing through the game. The question "he has sex with his superior officer?" just sprouts in your mind because of the time Walter takes on Lynn by surprise , and soon you will go post it on some kind of shitty game forum where you will spark an entire luzly conversation that will soon become nothing but a conversation on how Japan is sick minded.
"Problem, superior officer?"
Trolling the fanboys
1.Call Front Mission transformers.
2.Spam ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!
3.Pronounce Walter Feng as Walter Cheng.
4.Say that Front Mission 4 was better than this.
5.Say strategy RPGs are boring.
6.Say Angelo wasted his time with the translation project.
7.Say Front Mission Evolved will be the best of all the games.
8.Say Front Mission is a ripoff of Advance Wars
Apparently the main target for trolling would be Angelo Pineda himself, because the guy knows everything about the series and if it were not for him this game would not be in English. The guy is a pussy, he threatened to stop translating after a few trolls went up on him.
Vidya
Translated by Angelo himself. <video type="youtube" id="SaQau1a5Xe0&autoplay=0&start=1" height="380" width="640" position="center" frame="false" />
See Also
External Links
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Front Mission 5 is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |