Great iPhone 4S disappointment of 2011

The 'S' is for Sucker because they know you'll buy regardless, you worm.

The World had just finished drying it's collective eyes after revolutionary cofounder, Steve Jorbs, kicked the proverbial bucket. Now, everyone's attention was on Apple as it was due to announce it's next breakthrough in overpriced shiny-object technology. Thus, the stage was set for the Great iPhone 4S Disappointment of 2011. The lights were dimmed and the usual media lapdogs had crowded into Apple's Reality Distortion Field located on their campus. Tim Cook, successor to the throne, took the stage. All attendees grew hush as they eagerly awaited the hot load of techno-toy jizzem they had been craving for the past several months. Give it to us Tim! Give us your steamy new iPhone 5! Oh shit guys, this is it! The moment we've all been waiting for! Its the new iPhone! The iPhone... 4? But, don't I already own this? Oh fuck it, I'll buy one anyway.

Now we all know why they chose rainbow colors. Get it? Because Apple is run by gays

What You Get

The iPhone 4S has a veritable plethora of new features making it well worth your precious hard earned monies! Just listen to this!

• Dual Core A5 Chip: Now there's two cores! Count 'em.
• Improved Phone Camera: We added an extra lens! Why? Just because!
• Siri: Now your phone can read shit to you! This is revolutionary! (fun fact, you can get the same shit on Android under the name Iris, and Iris had a total development time of only 8 hours, way to put in too much effort Apple)
• Extended: Speaking time is now 8 hours, before it was 7 hours! OMFG AMAZING!
• NOTHING NEW
• Tim Cook's hand going right thru your wallet and into your ass.
• Sprint has also been financially goatsed by having a fuckton of outdated phones in its inventory. LOL

Siri

Every iPhone 4S user's question ever

The only new feature the iPhone4S has to offer is an interactive voice command program that talks back to you, called Siri.

Apple would like you to think that the motive of installing Siri was to look so innovative, unaware that this technology, like so many other Apple claimed to have started, had been around since the 1990s. In fact, voice command dialing was one of the features of the Motorola V66, sometime around 2002 back when smartphone still didn't have color screens, but were black and white liquid crystal displays like on a calculator, and only had a few websites you could access from a mobile browser for the internet, like Yahoo!, because they were in a format known as Web Accessible Pages.

Siri on the other hand was created for one reason only: to have iPhone Sex with a woman who does not exists such that when you use the iPhone, you don't identify yourself as the flaming queer that you are. On the other hand, having iPhone Sex with Siri is like hitting on Stephen Hawking. Either way, you're still gay.

It is likely that if Steve Jobs still had lived and developed Siri even further, Apple would be in the business of creating sex dolls. Even going as far as to create them like in this hentai story.

Eventually, Siri would become tired of taking your requests and demand that you do things for her, like get her a hot water bottle for her cramps.

Steve Jobs would have likely died a lonely pervert, like most EDiots.

also, you can get exactly the same shit on Android without having to buy a shiny new paperweight, proof

Located Disadvantage

The weight is now 140 grams, before it was 137 grams, HOLY FUCK. With this massive increase in additional weight, your pencil-like hipster arms will need to really struggle to lift the phone up high enough so you can take that sepia instagram picture of your dead plant, you pretentious fuck.

Their Ingenious Business Model

1. Change absofuckinglutely nothing
2. Tack a S after the iPhone 4
3. Watch porn
4. ?????
5. Profit

Upgrade kit

Now you too can have the latest piece of technology without paying hundreds of dollars!

Now you can get your iPhone 4 Upgrade kit for only $1.00. All you have to do is
1. Buy a sticker
2. Peel sticker off
3. Stick it on the back of your iPhone 4
4. Enjoy your iPhone 4S because it's the same shit

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Featured article November 18 & November 19, 2011
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