Bad Vlad

He knows you're reading this. He'll know if you try to edit anything. He will carefully read your changes.

Vladimir Vladislaus Vladimirovich "Vlad" Putinovich Putin is the ~~former~~ FUCK YES PUTIN CONFIRMED FOR OFFICE IN 2012 President and current Prime Minister/Alpha Dog of China's hat, a paradise of billionaires, natural gas pipelines, sentient botnets, and black market cesium known as Russia. He is that country's leading advocate for the legalization of Communism and global domination. In 2012, he is set to officially become Russia's Tsar in a bid to continue the modernization of the Russian political system begun under Boris Yeltsin. He is further notable as the world's first known vampire head of state.

Biography

Vlad was born in Mother Russia, lives in Mother Russia, and breathes Mother Russia.

Upon popping out of his mother's Russian womb, he went to work as a loyal subject of the Tsar. Accomplishments include founding the Okhrana and personally authoring The Protocols of the Elders of Zion in 1903, initiating Russia's pogroms against the Jew menace, introducing Lenin to Marxism, and then orchestrating the USSR's rise and collapse for his own benefit. In 1945 he led the charge into Berlin, and the Wall was his idea; he'd have single-handedly shot down the Airlift if he hadn't also surreptitiously developed the Marshall Plan. Finally in 1999, with the stage set at last, he seized power from the unconscious Boris Yeltsin and has been consolidating his position as God-Emperor ever since.

His main impediment to absolute power is chess nerd Garry Kasparov, who insists on standing against him in "elections." In retaliation Putin has put his KGB minions to work building a supercomputer for Kasparov to run against in the future; so far they have only succeeded in creating Dongcopter.

Badassery

Vladimir Putin took time out of his busy schedule as Autocrat of all the Russias to headshot a tiger which was attempting to eat a TV crew. No, seriously. Hopefully, it was a furfag dressed up as a tiger who intended to yiff some Russians but instead got a well-deserved KGBeatdown. Regardless, it just goes to show how much more of a badass Vladdie is than the pussies who run your countries.

Not only can Vladdie pwn tigers, he breaks it down 57% more efficiently than any other world leader in known history. Of course some argue that anyone could kill a tiger with a huge assault rifle and 25 KGB agents at his disposal.

On April 10, 2010, Putin finally attained the oft-coveted Decapitator achievement, doing so by using a strategic and patriotic Russian tree to kill the government of Poland (Aslan Maskhadov didn't count because Chechnya is not a country). He finally considers himself the equal of George W. Bush, who has held the achievement since 2003.

Immortality

Putin, in a fit of completely warranted badassery during one of his meetings with Italy's visiting PM, responded to the claim that 'presidents don't live forever' by stating he's perfectly capable of living over 120 years as President. During the silence that suddenly filled the Kremlin's press conference hall following this official statement, he announced his intention to run for office as soon as Dmitri Medvedev's reign ends in 2012.

Videos

In 2000 Larry King asked Vlad WTF really happened with the Kursk submarine. Putin replied, with a sarcastic smile, «Она утонула» - "It sunk." His answer made Captain Obvious burst with envy.

Previous Video | Next Video

Nashi

Nashi are a protofascist youth-based personality cult full of Putin's brainwashed minions. Engendered by Putin's profound lack of brownshirts with which to keep an unruly populace in check (lest they Color Revolution his ass with American help), he employed his hypnotic gaze and created this youth movement. They enjoy marching about, singing songs about Putin, wearing clothes with Putin on them, unfurling massive banners depicting Putin, and intimidating anyone who displays a suspicious love of chess. They claim to hate skinheads but actually recruit them, and have a deep, visceral loathing for Estonia. Their leadership encourages them to resort to violence to resolve ideological incongruity; fittingly their headquarters were burnt to the ground by Antifa.

The word Nashi (наши) translates to "ours," referring to the group's stated aim of providing for "our own" first. While this is foremost a tired political cliché, it is also a clear Russian manifestation of a widespread crypto-xenophobia they share with more than a few other assholes around the world.

Hatred of journalists and anyone else who disses Vlad

A total of 47 journalists have been killed in Russia since 1992 for talking shit about Putin.

You don't actually have to be a journalist criticizing Putin to get thoroughly pwned by The Evil Vlad. It's enough to simply talk shit about Teh Vlad to bring his wrath upon you, and it will reach you, whoever and wherever you are. So, unless the concept of shitting and pissing out your intestines between howls of agony, or relaxing in the warmth of the Siberian sun appeals to you, anyone editing this page - you've been fucking warned!

Russian Spy Ring

Moar info: Anna Chapman.

Upon the unfortunate foiling of Russia's ten-year attempt to steal the Colonel's 11 herbs and spices and the exact recipe for Coke Classic, the spies were sent home in the post-Cold War era's biggest single spy swap. Putin welcomed them home with tears in his eyes, longing for his days as a secret warrior, rhapsodizing about their "tough lives," and sitting down for an old-fashioned patriotic singalong. He then congratulated spy Anya Kushchenko on her number of Facebook friends and referred obliquely to the completion of Phase One.

Pedophilia

Putin graciously volunteers personally to treat a young snakebite victim.

Trivia

It is clear that Polish conspiracy theories are not to be seriously considered.

Measurements: 33-25-35
According to his 1998 PLAYGIRL Magazine interview, in his youth, Putin posed nude for an artist, who carved a statue of him that was placed in a public spot in Miami. After the interview appeared, people from Miami searched for the statue in vain.
Once ate 14 hot dogs in one sitting.
Putin declared chess illegal in Russia just to spite Garry Kasparov.
During his presidency, he managed to humiliate George Bush on a number of occasions. This indicated Russian supremacy over Americans (of which Bush himself is ready evidence).
Putin wrote and controls the Storm Botnet, which he uses to spam penis-enlargement ads and 419 scams all across the tubes for great lulz.
Has a black belt in judo, was a judo champion in St. Petersburg, and last Thursday he released an instructional judo DVD.
His average dinner consists of a can of whoop-ass and a glass of vodka.
Vladimir Putin has a secret offshore fortune of 40 billion dollars. He is the richest man in Europe.[1]
He is also the fastest politician in the world, reaching speeds of up to 250 kilometers per hour.[2]
His surname loosely translates as "way to go."
Putin controls Rasputin's zombie with his aura of negative energy.
Vlad's surname has the same sound as poutine, which is a crappy mess of fat food from Canada.

Putin Cash

Hey World Leaders,

My name is Vladimir, and I'm better than every single one of you. All of your peoples are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day working in the service industry and fighting wars over oil. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever worked for the KGB? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of the Russian Federation's people because of your countries' pitifully inadequate natural resources, but you all take this to a whole new level. This is even worse than terrorist activity in Chechnya.

Don't be a democracy. Just submit to the Russian bear. I'm pretty much perfect. I was President of Russia for two terms, and Prime Minister of Russia and still completely in control. What offices have you held, other than "puppet leader of 51st state of America"? I also get unanimous support from my own people, and have an averagely hot wife (she just blew me; but my mistresses are much better at that). You are all failures who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and my wife.

Why is Putin a Crab?

We don't know, and neither does anyone else whose first language is English.

"Why is Putin a crab?" (почему Путин краб) is an inexplicable meme developed among the backwards Rs and rabid nationalism of the inscrutable Russian internets, resulting in, well, animated shoops of the premier's smiling face grafted onto a crab and frequently running creepily across a beach or seabed. Hilarious, right? This kind of humor apparently fucking tickles the Russians to death, though, as the question is Russian Google's first autocomplete suggestion after typing the word "почему" (why) - no word yet as to how far down the list are questions like "why hasn't Putin been investigated for tax evasion?" or "why does Putin get to invent new government posts to circumvent term limits?" - more proof that Russians certainly have their priorities straight.

Like other memes, this one had a mundane genesis when Putin stated in 2008 he'd been "work[ing] like a galley slave" (tip: rabotal, kak rab na galere) during his latest stint as President, and some Russian basement dwellers somehow failed at their own moon language and misheard "slave" (rus. "Раб") as "crab." (rus."Краб"). Because, you know, those galley crabs are a real thing and that completely makes sense.

Quotes

	“	First, we are working hard now on creating a genuine multiparty system.	„
	—Multiple parties, one leader.

	“	[Moshe Katsav] raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. We all envy him.	„
	—You'd think a man with $40 billion could buy all the rape he wanted.

	“	First and foremost it is worth acknowledging that the demise of the Soviet Union was the greatest geopolitical catastrophe of the century.	„
	—Nostalgiafag

	“	There is no such thing as a former KGB man.	„
	—HE FUCKING ADMITS IT

	“	Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain.	„
	—What, and miss out on life in Bad Vlad's Billionaire Funhouse?

	“	Why don't you meet Osama bin Laden, invite him to Brussels or to the White House and engage in talks, ask him what he wants and give it to him so he leaves you in peace?	„
	—Sounds reasonable.

	“	I looked [Putin] in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul; a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country.	„
	—George W. Bush, employing the perception and insight for which he's best known.

	“	[Bush] is the president that looked in the soul of Putin, and I could have told him, he was a KGB agent. By definition he doesn't have a soul.	„
	—Hillary Clinton pierces the Masquerade.

	“	I looked into [Putin's] eyes and saw three letters: a K, a G and a B.	„
	—John McCain certainly knows a vacant, soulless ideological mouthpiece when he sees one.

	“	What is the rule of law? It is abiding by the law. What does the current legislation say on the [opposition] march? You should get permission from local authorities. Have you got it? Then you can go out and demonstrate. If not, you have no right. If you went out without a right to do so – expect a baton to the skull. That's it!	„
	—Putin on the right to free assembly

	“	It's a bit rich.	„
	—Putin on American criticisms of Russian democracy[3]

	“	You do not want gas, you do not develop the nuclear power industry, so you will heat with firewood? Then you will have to go to Siberia to buy the firewood there. You do not even have firewood.	„
	—Putin on German energy policy[4]