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Overwatch
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>JanisJoplin at 13:49, 10 May 2022. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
Overwatch is a desperate attempt to simplify Team Fortress 2 into a game so easy to play that babies out of the womb could pick it up. Since MMORPGs no longer made the headlines or the big bucks, Blizzard Entertainment were convinced that easy-to-approach class shooters were the next big thing. Creating a cast of colourful characters that wouldn’t look out of place on a kids tv show, Overwatch on release had every sperg, autist and caveman captivated by the bright colours and loud noises, which distracted from how little content the game actually had. To really bring in as many players as possible the game was made as approachable as possible, so despite being a shooter there's no blood or graphic imagery to reach the lowest age rating. The characters themselves range from Avengers knock-offs for the kiddies, edgy Batman villains wearing trench coats for the teens, and tiny barely-legal Korean girls for the adults.
Blinded by how big of a success Overwatch became, Blizzard quickly lost sight of what the game was and what the fans wanted. What followed was years of mishandling, controversy and company politics that managed to turn the games reputation from the next big thing that everyone was playing, into a messy first-person MOBA that alienated new commers, and pissed off veterans.
In a desperate attempt to revive the game, mainly its image, Overwatch 2 was announced, putting the final nail in Overwatch’s coffin as development for the game slowed to a snail’s pace. The legacy of Overwatch is mostly porn, as well as what happens when everyone gets hypnotised by clever advertising and flashy visuals.
The main game consists of either a quickplay or competitive match, which has two teams of six players fight around different objectives. You can play with your loser friends for an easy victory, or play with strangers if you want to roleplay a French general trying to coordinate his troops. There's king of the hill which is two rounds in which one team must own the centre of the map for 90 seconds. Payload has you push a cart into the enemies spawn. Finally there's assault in which one team has to defend two control points while the other team tries to take them over. More familiar game modes like capture the flag and deathmatch are restricted to a separate "arcade" section which puts different game modes in a rotation so enjoy logging in just to find your favourite game mode has been kicked off in favour of a gimmick mode that no one plays.
Every time you complete a match you're given a virtual medal and some xp, gain enough xp and you're given a free lootbox full of useless stickers and costumes. If you're lazy and only want to play virtual dress up with your favourite characters, don't worry; you can pay real world money for more lootboxes that might only give you items for a character you never play. If you think hard work and skill will reward you with the lootboxes you wanted, you'll be glad to hear that Overwatch gives free lootboxes a lower chance to unbox something good compared to a paid-box, so enjoy your common stickers and alternative voice line for the Text-to-speech robot character.
If you really hate yourself but not enough to consider suicide, you can grind the competitive mode which makes matches longer, but rewards you with a currency used to unlock a golden weapon for your favourite character. These golden weapons use to be an icon of skill and dedication, but are now ruined as Blizzard changed the system from rewarding the golden currency to players who did well at the end of a competitive season, to giving them to a player every time they finished a competitive match.
Ashe - Snipers are so cool with their sharp-shooter aim and quick thinking, trading survivability for insane damage. I bet you'd like to be one, except you can't headshot anything that moves and your awareness is most comparable to Helen Keller. Luckily Ashe is for you, with her sniper rifle having such a ridiculous fire-rate that you can riddle your enemy with bullets once you've missed their brain three times in a row. If anyone gets the drop on you, Ashe has a tiny shotgun that pushes away any attacker, and her ultimate ability is to summon a tank robot that has machine gun hands, mowing down everything in sight, so if you've been sucking ass at actually helping your team, you can bring in this tank to do the work you can't be bothered to do. Ashe is for posers, and is usually chosen by people who take credit for work they didn't do, like in a school project or work presentation.
Bastion - If you've recently had a lobotomy, Bastion is for you. When you choose this robotic dick-on-legs, you've basically announced to your teammates that you have turned on easy mode and that they shouldn't rely on you to do anything other than mic spam and complain. Bastion can turn into a turret with an ammo capacity that feels almost endless, so enjoy tracking your enemies while you listen to your sigma grindset podcasts. Bastion has an ability to heal himself so you never have to move, but if you feel like stretching your legs, Bastion's ultimate turns him into a cannon on wheels, so enjoy some easy frags. Bastion is for lazy bastards, and is usually chosen by people who never work hard at anything they do, but still do better than those around them.
Doomfist - Fighting games suck ass, all the combos and quick maths is no fun so normal people avoid them like the plague. Doomfist acts as a diet-coke version of a fighting game character, tasking players to use his Fisher-Price moveset effectively in a game full of stuns and shields. Doomfist can bounce like an NBA player, slam into enemies the same way he slams into single mothers, and for his ultimate he slams his fat ass into the ground in the hope no one tries to choke him while he gets back up. This handful of abilities plus a pea-shooter in his hand with only 4 bullets, would have you convinced he'd be one of the weakest options in the game, but on the contrary, part of Blizzards propaganda that black people are better means that Doomfist one-shots half the characters in the game. This is obviously not fun to play against, so for Overwatch 2 they remade his kit to be completely different, instead of trying to salvage this insanely unfair beast. Doomfist is for cucks, and is usually chosen by people who think they're better at the game then they really are.
Genji - It might blow your mind to hear that Blizzard, in the name of diversity and breaking stereotypes, made their Japanese character a cyborg ninja. He shoots shurikens that do more damage than bullets, he runs and jump around like Mario on crack, and his ultimate ability is a sword that kills most characters with a single hit. While his design and gameplay is unoriginal, his balance has always been a problem and Blizzard have had to constantly change his cooldowns to try and make him play nice with the other kids. Fact is, it's hard to balance something so ridiculously broken in the first place, there's glass canon, and then there's this gook. Genji is for weeaboos, and is usually chosen sweaty tryhards who get three hours of sleep at most.
Hanzo - If Ashe is for people who wish they could play a sniper, Hanzo is for players that can play Sniper but only with ridiculous amounts of luck. Hanzo uses a bow that snipes but doesn't have a scope so enjoy trying to hit the three pixels that represents an enemies head across the map. To help you not be a complete waste of space, Hanzo has an arrow that reveals the enemies position to your team for a short period, as well as the ability to shoot off a bunch of arrows as if his bow has suddenly become an assault rifle. Even with these abilities, actually getting a headshot usually requires blind luck or a cheat program. His ultimate ability has him charge up an arrow that unleashes a magic dragon that flies that shoots through walls and kills anything it touches. Hanzo is for anti-social nerds and is usually chosen by people who improvise all the time, but pretend they know what they're doing.
Junkrat - Slightly fitting given that he's Australian, Junkrat is a brain-dead explosives character that rewards spam and punishes thinking or "aim". Stealing his gear from the Demoman, Junkrat has a grenade launcher that shoots bouncy explosives, and two mines that stick to any surface and can be used to rocket jump as well as lay traps. His ultimate ability is a remote-control tyre with explosives strapped to it, that can be destroyed by enemies if they're paying attention. Given that all his weapons have ridiculously large area of effects, Junkrat doesn't require any skill and keeps winning the fanbases most hated character lists.
McreeCassidy - Bullshit incarnate, Cassidy is a close range gunslinger with can stun any enemy he want for an easy headshot. Consistently hated by fans from day 1, this characters insane damage and hard-to-counter stun grenade has made him a must pick due to the fact that a well-trained Cassidy can headshot across the map, meaning he can swap between close combat and sniper on a whim. Couple this with his ultimate which one shots any characters in his field of view, and it's no wonder why this character has become infamous for raping unaware enemy teams; ironic since his original name came from a rapist employee.
how to cosplay Mei if you are a hambeast
Mei - She build the Shit Wall of China with her ice gun and the cuntiest cunt of them all. Overpowered Chinese cunt that somehow wasn't killed at birth (but should be), sometimes moonspeaking.
Pharah - Some cunt with explosive from an Islamic country, jihadist rip off. Needless to say it was very racist for the developer not to properly respect these people with their due "Allahu Akbar". She also has no discernible personality other than raining her justice from above which definitely is some kind of vaginal juice spray innuendo.
Reaper - An accurate depiction of the average African American in the USA.
Soldier: 76 - GayCall of Duty rip off. Comes in the flavors of Call of Duty and Call of Duty: Ghosts.
Sombra - Now weebs and 12 year old xbox live enthusiasts can pretend they're hackers by playing as this mexican bitch for a juan-ce in a lifetime experience.
Symmetra - Nigga from India who quit her technical support day job for this shit. She can put down turrets and give allies shields. She is the bane of any offense hero trying to push, because her turrets also slow their asses down. Bonus points if you place your teleporter near a ledge, and behold lulz.
Torbjörn - If you are wondering how unoriginal a game was going to get then wonder no fucking more. This is again, a guy with a fucking turret, like we haven't seen that shit before, then he is also Swedish to add in that cliche shit about how Swedish people used to be blacksmiths. A midget with the typical shit Swedish beard (how unoriginal are we going to fucking get) and can build turrets. Original ideas are fucking unoriginal says Overwatch.
Tracer - Fucking cunt that is in the cover because of feminist propaganda. The size of her ass has actually been an issue for contention which shows how little fuck you should be giving about this stupid fucking game. Her abilities are teleporting, cunt and being unoriginal as fuck. She is literally a copy and paste of Scout from Team Fortress 2, most 2D personality you will fucking meet, she is fast and ????????. CAVLARY'S HERE then you instant cringe to fucking death from how bad that British accent was. Also the main source of many of the drama related to this game as it will be explained below. (Humorously, she's able to kick the Scout's ass without using any actual fucking skill)HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
Widowmaker - French cunt who is too busy trying to empower feminists with her killing her husband bullshit, she doesn't have any discernible character other than describing about how she was scared of fucking spiders which somehow carried into how she said she was brainwashed by Bad Overwatch....???? what? Gave some edgy fucking speech about how satisfying it is to kill people, oh you are so edgy gurl, you feel satisfied from killing people, woe is me, imma terrified. She was rightfully nerfed for being a noob cunt that kills people without aiming.
Reinhardt - German oldfag that was lost on the way to retirement home and jumped into an experimental Nazi warmachine, constantly has his barrier field out while all his bitch teammates who can't kill for shit cowers behind him so they can make use of the pussy barrier to get noob kills. He can charge into people.
Roadhog - It's a fucking miracle he is even moving but the breathing mask probably explains it. He can pull bitches towards him with a chain, also overpowered as fuck and used by noobs, an universal representation of the average gamer.
D.Va - A Korean professional girl gamer and Hollywood actress that turned unto mech rider. Stupid, retarded and completely out of the realm of possibility you say? Well, Overwatch is here to test your bullshit tolerance, right now you are asking yourself how the flying fuck a no life cunt who lives in her mother's basement managed to grasp the concept of piloting an intricate mecha and is not fat as fuck, Overwatch says thinking is for the weak. Her mecha is shit like all China made product so it explodes instantly after you get hit (not really) then you will have to kill this sneaky cunt twice, which also leads to the question how the fuck can someone who live in their mother's basment have enough combat physique to take even one shot. Well, Overwatch says, fuck you that's why.a pistol that can do more damage than the mech itself. Her ultimate ability is turning your battleground into South Korea after North Korea finish their weapon development. Running away from a nuke is as effective as running away from a nuke so don't even bother avoiding it, just turn on your godmode hack and kill that cunt. She is also overpowered and should rightfully be nerfed but as said, Overwatch is dominated by noobs and children so the cycle continues with noobs using overpowered weapon to kill people.
Support
that was the fucker who sold me bad shit on my trip to Brazil!!11!!
Zenyatta - A robot monker who preaches personal interaction with people by killing people with his metal balls, developers attempt to be culturally integral, fails badly. While he is the most fragile piece of garbage in the game with an average heal, he more than makes up for it by shooting an Orb of Discord at you, which increases the damage an enemy takes. If he's good, he will absolutely assrape your team, or scare you so badly you have to hide behind the wall like a bitch. For his ultimate ability, he drops acid while taking them so he can "experience tranquility".
Lucio - HUEHUEHUEBRBR A typical Brazilian gangster that killed families and before deciding to join Overwatch to avoid getting arrested. Rides around on gay rollerblades while blasting shit fucking hip-hop. He's the standard healer pick of just about every team because said rap can heal everyone constantly or make them move faster. He can switch between these abilities at will AND can give his teammates shields fairly often, which makes him and anyone he's near incredibly annoying to kill. As if that wasn't enough, he can fart into the microphone on his futuristic boom box and send out a blast of sound that you think might be shockwave but it's actually hip-hop so fucking shit that any faggots whose cells even comes in contact with it automatically repels from it.
Ana - Older sandnigger (who is that other sandnigger with explosive's bitch mother) terrorist with mediocre heals and low DPS. She doesn't have explosives like her daughter but she does have a sniper that heals her team (how?), because what kind of fucking genius couldn't come up with this kind of idea in real life? Shooting a dart into your team to heal them. Why isn't there a RPG that heals too? HOW ABOUT A FUCKING NUKE THAT HEALS PEOPLE?
Mercy - German medic - ORIGINAL CHARACTER, DO NOT STEAL. Also known as "Healslut" in the community because of her fast healing, but then again, she can only target one person at a time which makes Lucio superior (a man being superior at something than a woman? Go fucking figure). Has a damage boost as well, but if you're using it then you're not healing, so only retards ever switch to it. Her ultimate revives all nearby dead teammates, but the only way to use it is to completely fail at your only job. Duly noted to be actually Swiss but there is no difference because we know Switzerland supported the Nazis. She is a medic, go fucking figure, why don't you just give her a white flag to play off her French descent some more.
LOL U EXPECTING PLOT FROM AN ONLINE MUTIPLAYER FPS? Only plot that exists in this game are the tales of bitching about what to nerf, and newbie who can't play for shit defending their nerfs. The other plot is available on rule34's Overwatch SFM section.
But if you really want a snippet you can go watch their unoriginal shorts about undeveloped shit characters with undefined storylines who are literally just racial stereotypes, (THE 'AVALERY 'S HERE!!!!) Did I mention the accent? Any sane human being will mutilate themselves from hearing these fuckers moonspeak in their Engrish, they are all representation of different nationalities by fucking 'Muricans, so you know if you are a Swiss cheese you are bound to be a neutral white flag raising pussy medic and if you are an American, you are a shotgun-tooting black manaic. There is also some gay gorilla from the moon who fucked his master to death or something but you don't need to know about that yet, you might also be wondering what the title signifies. Nothing.
The title is literally the name of their organization which begs the fucking question, who the fuck is on whose team? Apparently some shit source that claims to be canon other than rule34 Overwatch, says that all the heroes are fighting each other because some shit about the black guy and French cunt starting some kind of war because ???? and despite that your so-called good characters is still being alighed on the same team as them because ?????
Fags also claimed that the game isn't canon to the game (lolwut even this magnitude of stupidity is not expected from a game this retarded), so this means that the real official canon is literally rule34 and the game cannot even be trusted to tell it's own generic and done story.
Tracer Controversies
Tracer and her 3D rendered arse are the main reasons the clickbait hacks wrote their "articles" about identity politics as Blizzard (who apparently is not knowing a thing about videogames anymore) took decisions about her and her character that polarized the gamer community, demonstrating once more that Gaben was a fucking genius by not including female playable characters on the superior version of Overwatch, (and also free to play) Team Fortress 2.
Tracer Controversy #1: The Stupid Pose
Derp.
Look at that sexist pile of shit. She has an ass for fuck's sake. Anyone who doesn't notice how sexist it is for a woman to have an ass should be shot, I mean, unless she has a fat feminist unfuckable ass or a flat and nonexistent one, it shouldn't be there. One more thing about this pose that is just degrading for woman is probably that she isn't holding a sandwich maker nor is she in the kitchen.
The irony of Brianna Wu being so un-sex positive about Tracer is completely lost on her him.
Meanwhile at the SJW hivemind aka NeoGAF, the NeoFaggots are still bitching and complaining over Tracer's ass because of her new pose.
Anyways, with this controversy solved, it's only a matter of time before SJWs and feminists manufacture another outrage in order to manipulate a company to do their biddings, despite never actually spending a single dollar on anything they've produced.
…we’ve wanted the universe of Overwatch to feel welcoming and inclusive, and to reflect the diversity of our players around the world.
„
—Blizzard, Shooting their own leg
Just when the idiots of Gamergate were celebrating that Blizzard trolled the SJW with the ridiculous pose, Last Thursday they released a Christmas comic in which they show that British hot tight pants is fond of chowing boxes, as if her bulldyke haircut wasn't enough of a giveaway.
Apparently Tracer is the first (there will be more) LGBTBBQWTF+ character of the franchise, as she has a relationship with a ginger called Emily, eerily looking too similar to another soulless lesbian ginger.
The reactions to this addition to the Overwatch in-game canon can vary from the likes of "Meh, I'm not going to pay 40 bucks for this tumblr ripoff shit", to "You bastards, Tracer is my waifu, Why did you this to me?". Still and, again, the ones with the most embarrassing reactions were the lab monkeys writing for SJW clickbait pages who reached orgasm with screams of "muh Diversity", "muh Inclusiveness" and "muh Representation" because of a fictional character enjoying and drinking vaginal fluids.
This Blizzard attempt to cater to more mature audiences with this cheap marketing stunt will backfire as in the first place, more 3D porn of Tracer fucking the rest of the female characters with a strap-on will be made, second, the hardcore gamers will not be playing it as they don't want queer representation while they are killing the shit of their fellow gamers and finally, the game only will be played by the obsessed tumblristas with queer pronouns, creating around the game a fandom more retarded than the fandom of Steven Universe. As if the Fembusters debacle wasn't enough, Blizzard apparently must learn from experience that you never cater to the qualms of SJW as they are bad and disloyal customers who are more interested on virtue signaling than buying your overpriced shit.
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