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Overwatch
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>JanisJoplin at 12:33, 17 May 2022. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
STEP THE FUCK OFF! Overwatch looks like shit but it is NOT a {{crapstub}}. It is a work in progress! If you require assistance beefing up this article, then hit up the experts on our IRC.
Overwatch is a desperate attempt to simplify Team Fortress 2 into a game so easy to play that babies out of the womb could pick it up. Since MMORPGs no longer made the headlines or the big bucks, Blizzard Entertainment were convinced that easy-to-approach class shooters were the next big thing. Creating a cast of colourful characters that wouldn’t look out of place on a kids tv show, Overwatch on release had every sperg, autist and caveman captivated by the bright colours and loud noises, which distracted from how little content the game actually had. To really bring in as many players as possible the game was made as approachable as possible, so despite being a shooter there's no blood or graphic imagery to reach the lowest age rating. The characters themselves range from Avengers knock-offs for the kiddies, edgy Batman villains wearing trench coats for the teens, and tiny barely-legal Korean girls for the adults.
Blinded by how big of a success Overwatch became, Blizzard quickly lost sight of what the game was and what the fans wanted. What followed was years of mishandling, controversy and company politics that managed to turn the games reputation from the next big thing that everyone was playing, into a messy first-person MOBA that alienated new commers, and pissed off veterans.
In a desperate attempt to revive the game, mainly its image, Overwatch 2 was announced, putting the final nail in Overwatch’s coffin as development for the game slowed to a snail’s pace. The legacy of Overwatch is mostly porn, as well as what happens when everyone gets hypnotised by clever advertising and flashy visuals.
The main game consists of either a quickplay or competitive match, which has two teams of six players fight around different objectives. You can play with your loser friends for an easy victory, or play with strangers if you want to roleplay a French general trying to coordinate his troops. There's king of the hill which is two rounds in which one team must own the centre of the map for 90 seconds. Payload has you push a cart into the enemies spawn. Finally there's assault in which one team has to defend two control points while the other team tries to take them over. More familiar game modes like capture the flag and deathmatch are restricted to a separate "arcade" section which puts different game modes in a rotation so enjoy logging in just to find your favourite game mode has been kicked off in favour of a gimmick mode that no one plays.
Every time you complete a match you're given a virtual medal and some xp, gain enough xp and you're given a free lootbox full of useless stickers and costumes. If you're lazy and only want to play virtual dress up with your favourite characters, don't worry; you can pay real world money for more lootboxes that might only give you items for a character you never play. If you think hard work and skill will reward you with the lootboxes you wanted, you'll be glad to hear that Overwatch gives free lootboxes a lower chance to unbox something good compared to a paid-box, so enjoy your common stickers and alternative voice line for the Text-to-speech robot character.
If you really hate yourself but not enough to consider suicide, you can grind the competitive mode which makes matches longer, but rewards you with a currency used to unlock a golden weapon for your favourite character. These golden weapons use to be an icon of skill and dedication, but are now ruined as Blizzard changed the system from rewarding the golden currency to players who did well at the end of a competitive season, to giving them to a player every time they finished a competitive match.
Ashe - Snipers are so cool with their sharp-shooter aim and quick thinking, trading survivability for insane damage. I bet you'd like to be one, except you can't headshot anything that moves and your awareness is most comparable to Helen Keller. Luckily Ashe is for you, with her sniper rifle having such a ridiculous fire-rate that you can riddle your enemy with bullets once you've missed their brain three times in a row. If anyone gets the drop on you, Ashe has a tiny shotgun that pushes away any attacker, and her ultimate ability is to summon a tank robot that has machine gun hands, mowing down everything in sight, so if you've been sucking ass at actually helping your team, you can bring in this tank to do the work you can't be bothered to do. Ashe is for posers, and is usually chosen by people who take credit for work they didn't do, like in a school project or work presentation.
Bastion - If you've recently had a lobotomy, Bastion is for you. When you choose this robotic dick-on-legs, you've basically announced to your teammates that you have turned on easy mode and that they shouldn't rely on you to do anything other than mic spam and complain. Bastion can turn into a turret with an ammo capacity that feels almost endless, so enjoy tracking your enemies while you listen to your sigma grindset podcasts. Bastion has an ability to heal himself so you never have to move, but if you feel like stretching your legs, Bastion's ultimate turns him into a cannon on wheels, so enjoy some easy frags. Bastion is for lazy bastards, and is usually chosen by people who never work hard at anything they do, but still do better than those around them.
Doomfist - Fighting games suck ass, all the combos and quick maths is no fun so normal people avoid them like the plague. Doomfist acts as a diet-coke version of a fighting game character, tasking players to use his Fisher-Price moveset effectively in a game full of stuns and shields. Doomfist can bounce like an NBA player, slam into enemies the same way he slams into single mothers, and for his ultimate he slams his fat ass into the ground in the hope no one tries to choke him while he gets back up. This handful of abilities plus a pea-shooter in his hand with only 4 bullets, would have you convinced he'd be one of the weakest options in the game, but on the contrary, part of Blizzards propaganda that black people are better means that Doomfist one-shots half the characters in the game. This is obviously not fun to play against, so for Overwatch 2 they remade his kit to be completely different, instead of trying to salvage this insanely unfair beast. Doomfist is for cucks, and is usually chosen by people who think they're better at the game then they really are.
Genji - It might blow your mind to hear that Blizzard, in the name of diversity and breaking stereotypes, made their Japanese character a cyborg ninja. He shoots shurikens that do more damage than bullets, he runs and jump around like Mario on crack, and his ultimate ability is a sword that kills most characters with a single hit. While his design and gameplay is unoriginal, his balance has always been a problem and Blizzard have had to constantly change his cooldowns to try and make him play nice with the other kids. Fact is, it's hard to balance something so ridiculously broken in the first place, there's glass canon, and then there's this gook. Genji is for weeaboos, and is usually chosen sweaty tryhards who get three hours of sleep at most.
Hanzo - If Ashe is for people who wish they could play a sniper, Hanzo is for players that can play Sniper but only with ridiculous amounts of luck. Hanzo uses a bow that snipes but doesn't have a scope so enjoy trying to hit the three pixels that represents an enemies head across the map. To help you not be a complete waste of space, Hanzo has an arrow that reveals the enemies position to your team for a short period, as well as the ability to shoot off a bunch of arrows as if his bow has suddenly become an assault rifle. Even with these abilities, actually getting a headshot usually requires blind luck or a cheat program. His ultimate ability has him charge up an arrow that unleashes a magic dragon that flies that shoots through walls and kills anything it touches. Hanzo is for anti-social nerds and is usually chosen by people who improvise all the time, but pretend they know what they're doing.
Junkrat - Slightly fitting given that he's Australian, Junkrat is a brain-dead explosives character that rewards spam and punishes thinking or "aim". Stealing his gear from the Demoman, Junkrat has a grenade launcher that shoots bouncy explosives, and two mines that stick to any surface and can be used to rocket jump as well as lay traps. His ultimate ability is a remote-control tyre with explosives strapped to it, that can be destroyed by enemies if they're paying attention. Given that all his weapons have ridiculously large area of effects, Junkrat doesn't require any skill and keeps winning the fanbases most hated character lists. Junkrat is for cavemen, and is usually chosen by people who've never played the game before.
McreeCassidy - Bullshit incarnate, Cassidy is a close range gunslinger with can stun any enemy he want for an easy headshot. Consistently hated by fans from day 1, this characters insane damage and hard-to-counter stun grenade has made him a must pick due to the fact that a well-trained Cassidy can headshot across the map, meaning he can swap between close combat and sniper on a whim. Couple this with his ultimate which one shots any characters in his field of view, and it's no wonder why this character has become infamous for raping unaware enemy teams; ironic since his original name came from a rapist employee. Cassidy is for basement-dwellers, and is usually chosen by people who tried to play another character, died, and went Cassidy to bully their killer.
how to cosplay Mei if you are a hambeast
Mei - Designed for trolling, Mei's chubby ass is used to weaken her enemies before her teammates come in to finish them off. Mei's ice gun slows down her target and if frozen long enough, locks them in place for a short period, allowing Mei to get some cheeky hits in before her prey escapes. She can build a Shit Wall of China with her ice gun to block off any exit for her enemies (or her teammates if you're feeling devilish), and if she wants to pussy out of an attack she can encase herself in solid ice which heals her injuries and turns her invulnerable until she thaws out. If this all sounds a little too unfair to fight and brimming with potential to piss off teammates and enemies alike, you're right. Her ice wall specifically is the bane of some players existences, as it not only lasts way too long, but can also be used for players to place out-of-reach teleporters to get an unfair flank. Mei is for fat fetishists, and is usually chosen by people who are looking to do a little bit of trolling.
Pharah - An Egyptian slave who uses a jet to shoot explosives at her enemies from up above. With her country of origin being an Islamic country, she's clearly a jihadist rip off, very racist of the developer not to properly respect these people with their due "Allahu Akbar". Pharah has the ability to fly along with a rocket launcher, and her ultimate ability which unleashes a rocket barrage onto her enemies. Her simplistic kit makes her a nightmare to fight as she can dodge anything you throw at her while her splash-damage rockets chip away at your health. Pharah is for 12 year old boys, and is usually chosen by people who choose the most expensive item on the menu, and then refuse to pay the bill.
Reaper - Blizzard finally replied to my emails and added my super cool edgy OC, Reaper the darkflame shadow master. He's got two shotguns that he replaces instead of reloading, a teleport ability that takes way too long to use, and a phase mode where he can run to and from a fight without being hurt. His ultimate is a super cool tornado move where he shoots all the bad guys!!!1! Reaper is for faggots, and is usually chosen by people who are trying too hard to be cool and different.
Soldier: 76 - Similar to Cassidy, Solider 76 is widely disliked because he's designed to be close-range, but any monkey can spam his weaponry and snipe someone in the distance. Instead of a pathetic little revolver, 76 uses a giant machine gun that can shoot rockets, drop a healing grenade, and for its ultimate you gain temporary aim assist. 76 players are seen as newbies who spam their way victory. Soldier 76 is for Soyboys, and is usually chosen by people who claim they're the best at something, only to fuck it up and blame it on someone else.
Sombra - Despite being Mexican, Sombra is not a lazy whore who sleeps all day long and drinks till her teeth rot. Instead she found the only working computer in all of Mexico, and decided to put the pc parts inside her because she's absolutely mental. Her only weapon is a nerf gun, with a magazine so small that it's easier to hit them with your fist than try and shoot them to death. To make up for this, Sombra can turn invisible, setup a personal teleport, disable another players abilities for a second or two, and for her ultimate she disables everyone in a small area. While she was designed to stop meta plays by stopping key players do their job, players quickly found Sombra was merely an annoyance, not an obstacle. This means on release she was seen as pretty useless. Sombra is for cowards, and is usually chosen by people who set themselves useless tasks and then pretend they're helping, like organising your pencils in colour order.
Symmetra - Ugly shemale from India who quit her tech support day job for something more exciting, building. She can put down turrets, teleporters and a big fuck-off shield. She is the bane of any offense hero trying to push, because her turrets also slow their asses down. Bonus points if you place your teleporter near a ledge, and behold lulz. Despite looking better than some of the other women, Symmetra has some of the least porn about her. Symmetra is for nerds, and is usually chosen by people who only talk about themselves all day long.
Torbjörn - If you are wondering how unoriginal a game was going to get then wonder no fucking more. This is again, a guy with a fucking turret, like we haven't seen that shit before, then he is also Swedish to add in that cliche shit about how Swedish people used to be blacksmiths. A midget with the typical shit Swedish beard (how unoriginal are we going to fucking get) and can build turrets. Original ideas are fucking unoriginal says Overwatch. The turrets range is ridiculously powerful and if placed in the right spot, can wipe out an entire enemy team, even if they all focus it. Not to mention the rivet gun that Torbjörn can use to snipe at mid-range, this guy is designed to be an asshole. Torbjörn is for children who can't aim, and is usually chosen by people who rely on their "friends" to help them in any situation, because they're clueless on their own.
Tracer - Seemingly desgined as a giant middle finger to support players, Tracer is best at flanking, getting some undeserved kills before running away and recovering behind the comparatively less-large asses of her teammates. Her guns are lethal at point-blank but useless even at close range. Her health was already small at launch, but has only got smaller, (like her ass), so she can only get away with killing the distracted healers, because anyone that fights back is usually going to win. She has the ability to teleport ahead, as well as reset her position back to where she was 10 seconds ago, restoring her health in the process; enjoy trying to kill this British cockroach, only for her to say "lol no" and escape with all her health back. Her ultimate is a sticky bomb that one-shots healers but can't do anything to tanks. Tracer is for Asians, and is usually chosen by people who still think "random = funny".
Widowmaker - French cunt who is too busy trying to empower feminists with her killing her husband bullshit, she doesn't have any discernible character other than describing about how she was scared of fucking spiders which somehow lead to being brainwashed by Bad Overwatch? She also gives edgy speeches about how satisfying it is to kill people. She has a sniper rifle that needs to charge before it can headshot, a poison mine that almost no damage, and a grapple hook which is meant to be used for sniper positions, but is usually just used to escape when her team fails and dies. Her ultimate is probably the most useless in the game, she can reveal where the enemy is for 10 seconds, which doesn't help since most maps usually have only one doorway the enemy can go through. Widowmaker is for hipsters, and is usually chosen by people who haven't played the game since release and still think she is the best sniper.
Reinhardt - German oldfag that was lost on the way to retirement home and jumped into an experimental Nazi warmachine, constantly has his barrier field out while all his bitch teammates who can't kill for shit cowers behind him so they can make use of the pussy barrier to get noob kills. He can charge into people.
Roadhog - It's a fucking miracle he is even moving but the breathing mask probably explains it. He can pull bitches towards him with a chain, also overpowered as fuck and used by noobs, an universal representation of the average gamer.
D.Va - A Korean professional girl gamer and Hollywood actress that turned unto mech rider. Stupid, retarded and completely out of the realm of possibility you say? Well, Overwatch is here to test your bullshit tolerance, right now you are asking yourself how the flying fuck a no life cunt who lives in her mother's basement managed to grasp the concept of piloting an intricate mecha and is not fat as fuck, Overwatch says thinking is for the weak. Her mecha is shit like all China made product so it explodes instantly after you get hit (not really) then you will have to kill this sneaky cunt twice, which also leads to the question how the fuck can someone who live in their mother's basment have enough combat physique to take even one shot. Well, Overwatch says, fuck you that's why.a pistol that can do more damage than the mech itself. Her ultimate ability is turning your battleground into South Korea after North Korea finish their weapon development. Running away from a nuke is as effective as running away from a nuke so don't even bother avoiding it, just turn on your godmode hack and kill that cunt. She is also overpowered and should rightfully be nerfed but as said, Overwatch is dominated by noobs and children so the cycle continues with noobs using overpowered weapon to kill people.
Support
that was the fucker who sold me bad shit on my trip to Brazil!!11!!
Zenyatta - A robot monker who preaches personal interaction with people by killing people with his metal balls, developers attempt to be culturally integral, fails badly. While he is the most fragile piece of garbage in the game with an average heal, he more than makes up for it by shooting an Orb of Discord at you, which increases the damage an enemy takes. If he's good, he will absolutely assrape your team, or scare you so badly you have to hide behind the wall like a bitch. For his ultimate ability, he drops acid while taking them so he can "experience tranquility".
Lucio - HUEHUEHUEBRBR A typical Brazilian gangster that killed families and before deciding to join Overwatch to avoid getting arrested. Rides around on gay rollerblades while blasting shit fucking hip-hop. He's the standard healer pick of just about every team because said rap can heal everyone constantly or make them move faster. He can switch between these abilities at will AND can give his teammates shields fairly often, which makes him and anyone he's near incredibly annoying to kill. As if that wasn't enough, he can fart into the microphone on his futuristic boom box and send out a blast of sound that you think might be shockwave but it's actually hip-hop so fucking shit that any faggots whose cells even comes in contact with it automatically repels from it.
Ana - Older sandnigger (who is that other sandnigger with explosive's bitch mother) terrorist with mediocre heals and low DPS. She doesn't have explosives like her daughter but she does have a sniper that heals her team (how?), because what kind of fucking genius couldn't come up with this kind of idea in real life? Shooting a dart into your team to heal them. Why isn't there a RPG that heals too? HOW ABOUT A FUCKING NUKE THAT HEALS PEOPLE?
Mercy - German medic - ORIGINAL CHARACTER, DO NOT STEAL. Also known as "Healslut" in the community because of her fast healing, but then again, she can only target one person at a time which makes Lucio superior (a man being superior at something than a woman? Go fucking figure). Has a damage boost as well, but if you're using it then you're not healing, so only retards ever switch to it. Her ultimate revives all nearby dead teammates, but the only way to use it is to completely fail at your only job. Duly noted to be actually Swiss but there is no difference because we know Switzerland supported the Nazis. She is a medic, go fucking figure, why don't you just give her a white flag to play off her French descent some more.
The Plot
After 500+ hours of Overwatch being drilled into your skull, you might have lost enough brain cells to be declared clinically insane. This will lead to you asking questions like, "Why do all these cartoon caricatures hate each other so much?". If you are looking for answers in the game itself, you won't find them. Instead, you have to watch their Disney shows and read their comic books to find out the incredibly boring and predictable answer as to why everyone hates each other. It's not worth your time, like the rest of Overwatch, mainly because the story has been sanitised and written to be inoffensive, so intrigue is off the table. Consistency is also a problem, as the story fails to juggle different cultures, timelines and themes. It would be a waste of time to cover every characters backstory and major theme, but here's the gist.
60 years in the future everyone has decided slavery is actually pretty good, so robotic slaves do all the boring jobs and look after families. Peace and prosperity is the norm until one day the robots "mysteriously" become sentient and want to take over the world. All the robots run back to their factories, take them over, and start producing Gatling guns on legs. Each country has a different response, America sends over genetically enhanced soldiers, Britain makes space-spitfires, Russia uses gundams, Korea uses mech-suits, etc. Eventually all the countries in the world come together and form "Overwatch", an overfunded task force with each member being the best killer from every country. They're given diplomatic immunity and allowed to do whatever they want, kill whoever they want, and are given all the latest tech, somehow they're meant to be the good guys. They go around and kill all the robots and everyone loves them. Australia is nuked and Russia has its economy rekt but it's a small price to pay for literal world peace.
Overwatch goes around and completes the side quests they neglected, keeping world peace. Eventually the leader of Overwatch and one of his soldier have a fight and this causes all of Overwatch to collapse and for them to be made illegal. This parts all vague because not even the writers are sure why everything suddenly goes to shit. It's prime territory for a shitty comic book or movie or some other product for fanboys to absorb. Now that Overwatch is no longer cool or legal and the world is all shit again, a giant gorilla accidently presses the "Revive Overwatch lol" button, causing all the old superheroes from Overwatch to go out and kill again with the new younger generation, this time with even more fucked up weaponry and no diplomatic immunity for their actions.
Controversies
Tracer Controversy #1: The Stupid Pose
Tracer and her 3D rendered arse are the main reasons the clickbait hacks wrote their "articles" about identity politics as Blizzard (who apparently is not knowing a thing about videogames anymore) took decisions about her and her character that polarized the gamer community, demonstrating once more that Gaben was a fucking genius by not including female playable characters on the superior version of Overwatch, (and also free to play) Team Fortress 2.
Look at that sexist pile of shit. She has an ass for fuck's sake. Anyone who doesn't notice how sexist it is for a woman to have an ass should be shot, I mean, unless she has a fat feminist unfuckable ass or a flat and nonexistent one, it shouldn't be there. One more thing about this pose that is just degrading for woman is probably that she isn't holding a sandwich maker nor is she in the kitchen.
The irony of Brianna Wu being so un-sex positive about Tracer is completely lost on her him.
Meanwhile at the SJW hivemind aka NeoGAF, the NeoFaggots are still bitching and complaining over Tracer's ass because of her new pose.
Anyways, with this controversy solved, it's only a matter of time before SJWs and feminists manufacture another outrage in order to manipulate a company to do their biddings, despite never actually spending a single dollar on anything they've produced.
…we’ve wanted the universe of Overwatch to feel welcoming and inclusive, and to reflect the diversity of our players around the world.
„
—Blizzard, Shooting their own leg
Just when the idiots of Gamergate were celebrating that Blizzard trolled the SJW with the ridiculous pose, Last Thursday they released a Christmas comic in which they show that British hot tight pants is fond of chowing boxes, as if her bulldyke haircut wasn't enough of a giveaway.
Apparently Tracer is the first (there will be more) LGBTBBQWTF+ character of the franchise, as she has a relationship with a ginger called Emily, eerily looking too similar to another soulless lesbian ginger.
The reactions to this addition to the Overwatch in-game canon can vary from the likes of "Meh, I'm not going to pay 40 bucks for this tumblr ripoff shit", to "You bastards, Tracer is my waifu, Why did you this to me?". Still and, again, the ones with the most embarrassing reactions were the lab monkeys writing for SJW clickbait pages who reached orgasm with screams of "muh Diversity", "muh Inclusiveness" and "muh Representation" because of a fictional character enjoying and drinking vaginal fluids.
This Blizzard attempt to cater to more mature audiences with this cheap marketing stunt will backfire as in the first place, more 3D porn of Tracer fucking the rest of the female characters with a strap-on will be made, second, the hardcore gamers will not be playing it as they don't want queer representation while they are killing the shit of their fellow gamers and finally, the game only will be played by the obsessed tumblristas with queer pronouns, creating around the game a fandom more retarded than the fandom of Steven Universe. As if the Fembusters debacle wasn't enough, Blizzard apparently must learn from experience that you never cater to the qualms of SJW as they are bad and disloyal customers who are more interested on virtue signaling than buying your overpriced shit.
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