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Elden Ring
Elden Ring (a.k.a. Dark Souls v4.0) is the latest version of From Software's Dark Souls, a shitty action RPG that is known for being hard as balls. Like its predecessors, Elden Ring is an extremely unfair game with bosses that stick to the player like cum on a nendoroid and attack relentlessly until the player is inevitably shown large, red text stating "YOU DIED".
Unlike previous versions of Dark Souls, however, Elden Ring is "open world" and allows players to go around raging at multiple bosses before finally deciding to smash their console and go outside to get a fucking life.
Story
Some bitch named Queen Marika smashed the fuck out of something called the "Elden Ring" that shat out magical golden rays called "grace". You play as a Tarnished, a complete fucking loser who's been cast aside by the grace, and are tasked with restoring the Elden Ring in order to become Marika's new boy (or girl) toy and claim the title of "Elden Lord".
Characters
Melina is a spectral whore and aspiring arsonist who kills herself to burn down the Erdtree.
Queen Marika/Radagon is a hermaphrodite God with bipolar disorder. It destroyed the Elden Ring and then attempted to repair it. Also cheated on its own husband with itself.
Godfrey/Hoarah Loux is Marika's cuck ex-husband whom she left for Radagon (who is actually herself, making this a MEGA ULTRA CUCK). He was the first to be told to GTFO by grace and became the first Tarnished, after which he joined a group of tribal warriors and became Hoarah Loux, Warrior.
Godrick is Godfrey and Marika's NEET incel son who is addicted to plastic surgery. He murders Tarnished and attaches their limbs onto his own body because he's a sick fuck.
Rennala is Radagon's ex-wife whom he left to go fuck Marika. Much like Godfrey, Rennala is a super cuck who is now reduced t
Rykard is Rennala and Radagon's grossest child and a giant mass of snekky tentacles. He wants to devour the very Gods and would very much enjoy devouring them together with you.
Radahn is one of Rennala and Radagon's sons and a HUGE motherfucker who rides a scrawny-ass horse and dual-wields great swords. He has a crush on his mother's ex-husband.
Ranni/Renna/Waifu is supposedly the daughter of Rennala and Radagon, but is actually one of Marika/Radagon's unholy selfcest spawn. She stole the Rune of Death and turned into a doll for reasons.
Malenia is a ginger bitch with a nasty case of Scarlet Rot. She's Miquella's twin sister and you get to see her nekkid. Unfortunately she has no tits and her nipples have fallen off.
Two Fingers are literally two, giant, hairy fingers that just sit in a room next to some old psychic hag who claims to understand them.
Three Fingers are literally three, giant, flaming fingers that will embrace your fully nude body and grant you the power of the Frenzied Flame. Basically the Two Fingers but evil.
See Also
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Elden Ring is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
