Xbox

An Xbox. Don't strain yourself, Bill.

YOURE DOING IT WRONG!

The leading cause of anal prolapse

If you came to this article looking for Xbox's crippled younger brother, see Xbox 360

The Microsoft Xbox, AKA the ecks bawks, HEX BAWX, DirectXbox, SexBox, SuxCox, and Microsofts greedy attempt to make more money, was Microsoft's first attempt at making a video game console. While being the most powerful of the 4 consoles released in its generation, it was also known as the console most likely to catch fire and burn your house down, most likely to scratch discs when you weren't even moving the thing while it was on, and least likely to get any of that mentioned in the press due to Microsoft's $500,000,000 war chest (read loss leader) for console supremacy.

For a while it was also the most capable console for online play while also costing too damn much to play online, as well as harboring the most retarded online gaming community of sqeakers, fratboys, and niggers ever unleashed on the poor world: Xbox Live. It is this that has given the Xbox so many fanboys and just as many anti-fanboys.

History

Typical Xbox fanboy.

Back in 1998, console gaming was starting to be noticed a bit more, and Microsoft was starting to notice how bad PC gaming was losing to console gaming. More people were starting to play video games, and Microsoft obviously needed to make more money. You know, because obviously Windows wasn't making them enough money already. So they foisted the WinCE "operating system" on Sega to get a few bad Windows titles onto the otherwise great Dreamcast, pull a little money in for themselves, and get a bit of education about consoles. But this still wasn't enough, no, they wanted their own gaming system. So in 2001, they released the Microsoft Xbox. Originally, the launch title was going to be a game called Malice, but it was switched to Halo: Combat Evolved, because even the most hardcore Halo haters would admit that they would rather play as some cyborg dude blasting aliens then as a little girl with a mallet. This decision was wise, as Halo: Combat Evolved was the only thing ('cept the $500,000,000 loss leader) that saved Microsoft's ass from becoming like Sega at the time. As the Xbox got more games, it got more support from people and became popular across the globe, except Japan, because you know, obviously they won't play anything that isn't an RPG, dating sim, or anything Nintendo shoves down their throats. Eventually, Microsoft knocked Nintendo out of 2nd place and competed with the Playstation 2 in a battle of epic proportions, temporarily leaving Nintendo behind in the dust.

Memorable Games

It's moar fun pretending you're playing.

Turning on your Xbox will shut down the power to half of the state you live in.

Some of these games have prequels on the Dreamcast. See this section on the Dreamcast article.

Here are some of the most memorable games the Xbox had to offer. Feel free to add any.

• Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic - The game that made Star Wars nerds hate George Lucas a little less. Basically you play an amnesiac badass and OMG SAVE TEH GALAXY!!!
• Blinx the Time Sweeper - Basically you play as this furry who can gain EXTREME VCR styled time control powers by killing these monster thingies.
• Halo 1 and 2 - Possibly the 2 most overrated games on the Xbox of all time. However if you ask a NORMAL Xbox Live player about them, they will tell you that those two games are the best games ever made. Call of Duty but with jetpacks.
• JSRF: JetSetRadioFuture - A sequel to its predecessor Jet Grind Radio on the Dreamcast (JSRF has bigger maps and some great graphics, but lamer play and music, too many parts relying on not being able to see stuff to make it hard, and as a sequel, naturally lacked the original's wow appeal). This game's fanbase claims that it is the most underrated and unheard of game on the Xbox, which is fucking bullshit because the game was bundled with the Xbox on Christmas 2002. Ever wanted to skate around and break the law while somehow managing to beat the shit out of police officers just by spraying them with spray cans? Now you can!
• Mech Assault - Basically, the whole incredibly simplistic plot in a nutshell is that you've landed on a planet with 2 other people, whose only purpose is to annoy the fuck out of you. You must destroy the evil dudes on this planet and you must destroy their orbital guns before they "OMG KILL US ALL".
• Shenmue II - This game was the first second video game made by gooks and continues Ryo's ridiculous quest to not move on with his life and kill the asshole who killed his Father. Was originally released on Dreamcast.
• Drake Of The 99 Dragons - A really incredible game that changed the way we as humans experience joy. It had the greatest control system which made the move stick the same as the camera so you had a challenging time seeing and running. Oh, and they planned on making a comic book based on it, but it was too fucking good to waste time letting people read it's great story. This game alone made most of the money Bill Gates has.

'San Andreas' Running around stealing four hub caps at a time, blasting rival niggas, spics, drug dealahs, and po po with buncha guns and a beating people to death with a dildo. Your character is Black so if you Die it's still a win. Duke Nukem Forever was supposed to be on Xbox. However, the company working on it happened to be located in Texas, the game turned into a series of livestock raping missions.

Internal Structure

It's funny, see, because the Xbox is quite large. Actually, it's Penny Arcade, so never mind.

On the outside, the Xbox looks like a gaming console. But if you take a look inside, you'll notice that inside it's ironically the thing Microsoft DIDN'T want it to be, a PC. It had a motherboard, a CD-ROM drive, a hard drive, almost EVERYTHING a normal PC had. Because of this amazingly ironic mistake Microsoft made, Linux fags jizzed all over the place rejoicing at how easy it was to hack the Xbox and put their favorite shitty operating system over it, no mod chips needed. Out of all the gaming consoles of that generation, the Xbox was probably the easiest to hack because of it's ironic design.

Meme Status

Lets face it. The Xbox console itself if pretty fucking big. It's so huge that the only known console that is bigger than an Xbox is the Atari 5200. The epic size of the Xbox landed itself a meme probably originating from 4chan called "XBOX HUEG". This meme was usually used to tell just how "HUEG" an item was. However, ever since the Xbox's younger brother, the Xbox 360 hit the market, the meme officially became old and outdated, since the only thing HUEG about the 360 is it's ridiculously over sized power cord, which is more of it's own joke.

Nigras and the Xbox

Some users also took issue with its modestly heavier game controller.

If you were stupid enough to subscribe to Microsoft's shitty and laggy Xbox Live membership, you'd instantly notice how many nigras are present online. The fucking Halo 2 servers are dominated by these mother fuckers who roam around with extremely deep and raspy, annoying, voices and they sound like they're choking every time they laugh because of their shitty 99 cent store Xbox headsets. Studies of this strange phenomenon suggest that blacks are attracted to these Xboxs due to the fact their size and color remind them of their womminz fat black asses. If you encounter one of these people, you will notice how they will love to talk about the west coast, say the word "fuck" at least 20 times (motherfucker counts too), and how their insults vary from their white counterparts. The typical white insult is "faggot", while the typical black insult involves dicks and shoving things up an ass. At least they have something in common, right?

Xbox Live Back in the Day (the original service is now dead)

For Xbox Live as it is now, see Xbox Live

Surprisingly before the service got a huge facelift with the 360, it had the same retarded community as it does now, only a bit smaller. Except instead of playing Halo 3, Call of Duty 4, Street Fighter IV, Grand Theft Auto IV, Gears of War 2 Modern Warfare 2, they could be found playing Halo 2, Call of Duty: Finest Hour, and a fuckton of sports games. Don't believe me? This video should clear all doubts you have:

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Gallery

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See Also

• Dreamcast
• Xbox 360
• Xbox One
• Microsoft
• Xbox Live
• Gamecube
• PlayStation 2
• Giant George, as hueg as Xbox

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