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Pennsylvania School Stabbing: Difference between revisions
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{{GradedScore|0|(24 Injured)|9| |12| |5| |20|bonus points for close range combat|46|'''F'''|TRY AGAIN, FAGGOT}} | |||
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== Quotes == | == Quotes == | ||
Revision as of 23:03, 10 March 2024
On April 9th, 2014, Franklin Regional Senior High School became the latest map available to the school shooter gaming community. The objective, of course, being to shoot as many teachers and students as possible before the authorities are notified. Unfortunately for expectant lulz seekers around the world, the underage fucktard playing this map decided it should be played in the special game mode of knives only and didn't even place on the high scores list as a result.
Knives > Guns
Alexander Brandon Hribal is the faggot in question, and no one is sure why he showed up equipped with such an interesting choice of arsenal. The 16-year-old was apparently uninspired by the recent Fort Hood sequel to V-Tech, where the shooter only managed to kill 3 victims before killing himself. At least that fucktard knew to use a fucking gun. This kid wasn't even Muslim, he was just a pizza-faced nobody who got punked at school all the time.
After making one final entry in his tear-stained diary, the acne-ridden sophomore equipped himself with a blade and hit the battlefield, stabbing most of his enemies in the abdominal area like an abortion specialist.
A hall monitor spotted the knife-wielding teen and pulled the nearest fire alarm, then immediately proceeded to make a run for the exit doors, trampling several expendable weaklings in the process, and leaving them shitting their pants and vulnerable to a good old fashioned knife raping.
Unfortunately for Alex, he was a casual gamer and wasn't paying attention when he showed up in the radar of Assistant Principal Sam King, who was the mini-boss of that particular area of the battlefield.
Before the scrawny teen was tackled by King and subsequently handcuffed by a doughnut-grubbing cop, he had managed to slash 22 people, with 7 teens and one adult being listed in serious condition. Alex's kill count ended up being a fat, jolly zero. The exact reason for this failure is still open to debate, although experts say Alex simply forgot that Call of Duty cheat codes don't actually work IRL, and that you don't automatically slide directly into someone's vitals when you swing a blade in their general direction.
-
Knifer Alex Hribal's avatar. -
Mini-boss Assistant Principal Sam King. 5% of an epic drop.
The Aftermath
Reporters flocked to the scene in search of shocked parents and traumatized/bloody students to film, but immediately lost interest when they heard there were no guns involved, as there wasn't any liberal agenda to push. The only "news" that continues to report this story is Fox.
Band-aids and hugs were given to Alex's victims, all of whom denied needing any sort of therapy as a result of the "tragedy." The fact that this dweeb used a knife instead of a gun is laughable, and comparable to cutting down a tree with an ice pick instead of a chainsaw. His victims actually secretly thanked Alex for what he did, as it made them temporarily famous on the news, and one faggot even posted a knife-wound selfie of himself in the hospital on his Instagram.
As is always the case in following any school or theater-related attack, it was time to play the blame game. Alex used a classic defense of "I have multiple handicaps" and of course blamed the school for allowing him to be bullied on campus. With this defense, he hopes to be released as soon as possible so he can retry his mission and beat his current score.
—Santino, with a friend like Alex... | ||
Theories
Some argue that this game was created by the liberal media✡ to push their agenda of disarming the populace by making it clear that if a kid does not have access to guns, he will be incapable of killing a single person.
This same idea was presented last year in Ryan Lambourn's hit game The Slaying of Sandy Hook Elementary School, which used score manipulation to convince the player that if Adam Lanza had used a sword, he could not have possibly killed anyone. In the cases of Alex Hribal and Adam Lanza this may be true, as their complete lack of hand-eye coordination can be attributed to their diagnosed autism.
Other theories include that this entire ordeal was planned by Obama to mock the Chinese, whom for the last 4 years have been struggling with strings of knife attacks at their schools. Obama's plan unfortunately backfired, as the Chinese are affluent in Kung-Fu and can actually inflict more than a graze wound with a blade. Most of these theories were of course brought forth by the king of tin-hatters himself, Alex Jones.
Autism Aftermath
Sometime in mid 2015, our autist Alex confessed to psychologists that he thought he was being controlled by the deceased Columbine shooters; Reb & VoDKa. A defense psychiatrist said Hribal thought he was being "egged on or controlled by Dylan and Eric all the way from hell." The defense psychologists claim that he was psycho and severely depressed at the time of the autistic rampage assault, and that he planned to be killed by the pigs. Unfortunately for Alex the autist's plans, he's white so of course the police immediately detained him peacefully without injury. Like every faggy school shooter, Hribal was obsessed with lolumbine.
It is quite possible Alex will be locked up for a very long time.
Graded Score
| Kill count: | 0/20 (24 Injured) |
|---|---|
| Accuracy: | 9/20 |
| Style: | 12/20 |
| Butthurt: | 5/20 |
| Bonus: | 20/20 bonus points for close range combat |
Wanted Level:
Mall Cop
Quotes
—Owen, because he was a nice kid from a nice family | ||
Previous Quote | Next Quote
YouTube
- Alex Hribal had 'minor' social media presence
Previous Video | Next Video
Gallery
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Better luck next time, faggot. -
The carnage could have been so beautiful. -
The battlegrounds -
Time for a knife-wound selfie.
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The only solution. -
He obviously didn't look up to any professionals. -
LOL didn't even place. -
Wait, he used a WHAT?
See Also
- A challenger appears
- Logan Clark - another 14 year old faggot who went for the high score with knives.
- High score
- Acne
- Generation Z
- Columbine
- Fort Hood
- Virginia Tech
- Sandy Hook Elementary Massacre
- Super Columbine Massacre RPG
- School Shooter: North American Tour 2012
- Knife
- Emo
External Links
alex.hribal - He probably won't be accepting your friend request for a while
List of school shootings in the United States- Alex Hribal, Franklin Regional Stabbing Suspect: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know
- Attorney: Teen to plead guilty but mentally ill in stabbings
(archive) - RAGNAROK: The Manifesto (yep, he's a Columbiner)
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Pennsylvania School Stabbing is part of a series on Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article April 11th & 12th, 2014 | ||
| Preceded by Meepsheep |
Pennsylvania School Stabbing | Succeeded by weev |
