Guelph

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All of these people live in Guelph and sleep on the benches around Quebec street mall.

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Guelph likes displaying rule 34 of statues downtown.

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The average citizen in Guelph.

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A resident of downtown Guelph.

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If only this could happen downtown Guelph.

Guelph is a shit hole located in Southern ,Ontario Onterrible, Canada, also called the Royal City royal pain in the ass. The city used to be home to factories, but most of them are closed and everyone is working shit jobs designed for minorities.

Because of its low crime rates, clean environment and generally high standard of living, Guelph is consistently rated as one of the most overpriced places to live. However since the advent of low flow toilets, they don't work in Guelph at all because the infrastructure in the city is failing, people actually have to flush twice for the toilets to actually work. This city is also home to the first North American cable system, and we all know how that went.

History

Guelph was founded by John Galt, a popular Scottish novelist who designed the town to attract settlers to it and to the surrounding countryside.

Not much has happened since then, except that Guelph was first to legalize topless women, since some bitch bawwed since no hot chicks live in Guelph this is the fail that is Guelph's Shitty Council, as they actually listen to the citizens even though they seem to fail every time.

When the city had garbage pickup strikes it was compared to Windsor or Toronto however since a lot of people in Guelph are dumb shits who are too poor to pay tipping fees for garbage they essentially dumped anything and everything it made Guelph look like an even bigger shithole than it already is.

Things made in Guelph

• Herbs
• Fail
• Wops
• Donuts

Things used to be made in Guelph

• Car parts
• Fridges and Freezers

(What) Economy?

Economy is a touchy subject in Guelph, since the mayor and city council are Jews who can't seem to do anything right without failing, they just manage to drive away business and drive up the taxes to make it next to impossible to live in Guelph.

Wal-Mart is a prime example of how much fail this city really is when it took them 10 years to actually get one in, a popular way to troll someone from Guelph is to talk about development and they get all butthurt that Guelph doesn't have anything other cities have.

Also located in Guelph, is the Sleeman, Wellington and FMH booze factories, built specifically to keep Guelphites drunk, stupid, and stuck on welfare. In addition to that another insitution in guelph is that they have the most Tim Hortons per capita at around 16 to keep those in Guelph fat and drinking low quality coffee

Although Stats Canada officially declared Guelph's unemployment rate an already-lulzy 9% now, the actual number is around 20% when you include the fat fugly single teen moms on welfare, assburgers people on disability, and emofags that have just given up hope of ever finding a job. For those that know their math of lulz, when you get a city that has at least one in seven to one in four not working, the city is failing very VERY hard, and the more it's pwned, the lulzier it gets.

Another prime example of Guelph's fail is that it has the longest emergency room waits in the province, Darwin would be proud, many people in Guelph are dumbasses who think if something is wrong they would have to go to the emergency room no matter how minute the problem is.

Crime

Crime in Guelph, most crimes are blamed on protesters, because they often start bitch about placing the blame on the man even though its their fault for inciting the problems in the city, since most of these protesters don't have jobs it is safe to assume they leech off the system to get money.

One popular hobby of the Guelphite is to destroy signs of developers where they are going to build since they have nothing better to do. Most people from Guelph enjoy starting fires at new buildings when they go up, if only they destroyed the downtown when they lit the bakery on fire.

Serious criminal organizations do exist in Guelph. The movement of Meth from the north by bike gangs Big Red Machine and the Hells Angels, crack is supplied by the Vietnamese Mafia on west end, while the retired Italian Mafia spends it's time harvesting dandelions in the south to make wine and Brio, both drinks only faggots and wops like.

Street gangs and low level crimes are supplied and perpetrated by crackheads. meth addicts and your average Guelph teen. Crimes in Guelph at this level are simple by criminal standards, vandalism and thieves looking for crack troll the downtown core, while more sophisticated yet completely incapable losers plan check kiting schemes on park benches in the park east of the university.

Visiting criminals

The best crime to preform in Guelph and seeming the only charge the police know how to rite up (albeit wrong) is being drunk in public, you can include mischief to this by punching a stop sign yelling fuck yeah!!

Culture

Culturally Guelph is flat-lining even though there are sand-niggers, wops, cholos, and niggers in town.

Nearly all of Guelph's retarded, old, disabled, and assburgers patients are currently living on the street because of welfare leeches overcrowding the homeless shelter and that there was a lot of drama with homeless people downtown the homeless shelter moved a few blocks away due to thievery.

One of the Guelphites favorite past times is not minding their own business when new developments come into town and they start bawwing about how it will ruin their city.

Guelph's legacy of fail has gone noticed on SCTV as well as Royal Canadian Air Farce, and King of the Hill

As for the River Run Center it is the cities tax dollars that pay for it, since the Mayor and Council had claimed it would stand on its own... but a few years after it opened it didn't since they always put on second rate performances. The same thing had happened with the Guelph Sports and Entertainment Center, Which also is owned by the city but since the current administration failed, they decided to include it in your taxes when living in this shit hole, since both the GSEC and the River Run Center couldn't stand on its own. The council figured that they wouldn't be able to afford getting big name people or performances in since they thought the population couldn't afford it.

Below is what there is to do in Guelph.

City Council

What the city council pretty much consists of

The city is already doing it wrong 6 wards, yet 12 councilors, this tells everyone they can't afford to use full time councilors so they do part time councilors. There has been a lot of bias with the last administration as everyone had voted center to center left due to everyone in Guelph liking a mayor and council who can't manage money vs a mayor and council who was good, had experience and actually got things done.

The current mayor Karen Farbridge is looking to go for a third term, how she won the elections two times before is laughable when James Gordon swayed the populace to vote for a mayor and a council who

• Can't manage money
• Keeps on raising property taxes
• And can't get any business coming into Guelph
• As well as cut public transit
• Get rid of free parking downtown due to the city losing money.
• Not being able to provide ample parking downtown
• Cutting back services across the board
• Having issues actually getting a new main branch library in
• Not being able to provide services to each end of town which needs them

In addition to that if you have an ailing family member, the city doesn't give a shit, you must pay your taxes on time because we all know that the mayor and city council want your money.

Mayor Karen Farbridge is a prime example of a mayor who does butt fuck all for this city, she essectially ruined this joke of a city by always giving into a minority of people who oppose something because she can't stand up to them, neither can the city council who gets paid to do nothing, even though everyone in Guelph likes them because they can't amount to anything. Karen Farbridge and the current council is an example of a socialist. In addition to that since a lot of people in Guelph are too fuckin' stupid to notice what she did wrong she gets elected yet again because everyone in Guelph is a fuckin' socialist asshole who thinks it is better to go on the side of liberalism and environmentalism at the expense of more important things such as jobs, of course these are the same people who were fooled by Al Gore

Locations in Guelph

Downtown, home to over 9000 bars which many residents go to get drunk, everything else is closed, the only people who live there are yuppies, hipsters and struggling artists.

The West End, home to filthy minorities ranging from chinks, niggers, spics, as well as Arab, as well as a empty shell of a mall. Their export is shopping carts.

The South End, home to rich people trying to escape Toronto, there is a No Niggers policy in this area due to it being upscale, as well as a no Arab policy because no one wants a Sikh temple there. Also known as New Guelph.

The Ward, Full of guidos and wops, if you don't have business there then you don't have business there, the only export they have is an Italian Festival, which is a front for the Mafia.

The North End, home to people who leech off the welfare system, a small export is shopping carts as well as small crime.

The East End, home to those yet inexperienced to the fail of Guelph.

Metropolitan areas of Guelph

Aberfoyle a district not too far out of the city where you can buy useless shit at antique markets

Mini Lakes where old people go to retire

Morriston also known as Borriston Amirite?

Puslinch is full of rednecks

Arkell see above

Eden Mill a small village where nothing happens.

Rockwood Mostly Toronto wannabes

Fergus also known as Northern Guelph

Mount Forest also known as Mount fuckups, its neither Guelph or Kitchener but the in-breeders scavenge from each city.

Arthur full of white supremacists if you are black and go to a bar there, you won't get served.

Wellington County Anywhere between these places is full of rednecks but also have ongoing drama with the city due to ambulance service.

Notable Residents

Below is a list of fags that lived in, or contributed to the epic fail that is Guelph

• Everyone in the Howitt Park Neighborhood Group for preventing business from coming into the city.
• Ben Bennet - Fought Wal-Mart coming in
• Matt Soltys - A hippie environmentalist leader who is being sued by the city for protesting and causing economic terrorism.
• Victor Davis - Got hit by a car in Montreal and was a gold medalist for Olympics gayest sport besides wrestling
• Neve Campbell - was in some horror films
• James Gordan - Trolled the old city council by making a play about how much they failed
• Edward Johnson - Some opera singer
• John McCrae – A soldier who everyone thinks he is from Montreal, because who would want to be from Guelph in the first place?
• Steven Truscott – Victim of a miscarriage of justice.
• Ken Danby – Painter
• Thomas King, a leftard and injun author.
• Hockey Players
• You
• Your Mom

How to get to Guelph

If you are dumb enough to go to Guelph, just keep on driving.

See Also

• Windsor
• Detroit

External Links

• Official Website
• A message board is there but its abandoned
• The Residents for sustainable development, fought walmart
• Someones blog about downtown Guelph, updated daily
• James Gordon's website the Guelph Civic League
• A group fighting Hanlon Creek Business Park
• The Mayors Blog; you can actually leave comments, and its updated every few days
• The protesters who don't support a proposed business park who are getting their asses sued by the city; ripe for trolling with anonymous commenting

Guelph is part of a series on Soviet Canuckistan [CollapseExpand]

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