Archaeology

Archaeology is clawing through the dustbin of history, or, alternatively, the most fun you can have with your pants on. [1] Archaeology guarantees you a job after University. [2]. The most commonly used tools in archaeology are the trowel and dynamite. Archaeology has been the preserve of the retired, liberal children, and those not good enough to study history.

Great archaeologists

L Ron Hubbard
The Nazi government
The US Army in Baghdad
Angelina Jolie
Bill and Ted
The Wayback Machine
Relic Hunter

Great archaeological discoveries

Several bits of wood on Mount Ararat prove the existence of Noah's Ark
The Kensington Stones prove that Minnesota was invented by the Vikings
The Maine Penny proves that Maine was invented by the Vikings
The pyramids on dollar bills proves a link between Atlantis and the Illuminati
The gold tablets of Mormon
Tutankhamun comes back to life to find Patricia Velasquez

Jerusalem

Jerusalem has always been completely Jewish and archaeology has proved it. Palestinian buildings (technical term "grave fill") have been cleared away to show that there is only one archaeological level in Jerusalem, namely that of the Kingdom of David and the 1st Millennium BC [3]. So there.

Rome

Mussolini tore away all of Rome's bogus medieval history to show the only archaeology that matters. The Roman Empire. The 12th Century Commune of Rome, opposing the temporal power of the higher nobles was, well, communist and therefore deleted for disobedience of TOS. Mussolini was the first IRL Forum Moderator.

Egypt

“	For 18 centuries the Jews were dispersed throughout the world. They went to America and took control of its economy. They have a plan. Although they are few in number, they control the entire world... they are always united over a single view. They always move together, even if in the wrong direction.... Look at the control they have over America and the media.... It was unity that gave them this power. The concept of killing women, children and elderly people... seems to run in the blood of the Jews of Palestine. In fact, it seems to have become part of the false faith of this people, who is tormenting us in our own homeland. When I speak of the Jewish faith, I do not mean their original faith, but the faith that they forged and contaminated with their poison, which is aimed against all of mankind... The only thing that the Jews have learned from history is methods of tyranny and torment - so much so that they have become artists in this field. They have done to the Palestinians what Pharaoh and Sargon of Akkad did to the Jews...	„

Zahi Hawass [4], Secretary General of the Egyptian Supreme Council of Antiquities and all round attention whore, proving that he better learn his stupid history: Sargon of Akkad never did anything to the Jews because they fucking didn't exist at that time (~ 2,340 BCE).

Mecca

The Black Stone in the Kaaba at Mecca has been identified as;

• a statue of a Moon God [5] - Christian propaganda
• a Hindu temple [6] - Hindu propaganda
• the Earth Goddess [7] - hippy propaganda
• a vulva [8]
• a penis [9]
• a meteorite [10]

Surely all this could be sorted out by a good dose of archaeology? It would be unfortunate if the millions of pilgrims on Hajj (busy being ripped off by Saudi hotel owners and shop-keepers) were merely kissing a giant black penis.

Luckily in Saudi Arabia

“	Archaeologists are cautioned not to talk about pre-Islamic finds outside scholarly literature	„

so that's that [11]. Besides, think of the tourism.

Wikipedia

There are many archaeological levels in Wikipedia. Dig down far enough and you'll find (a) the origins of Encyclopedia Dramatica, (b) antique articles about the Wikipedia Militia and (c) Rachel Marsden

Drama!

Britfag website BAJR a clearing house for UK archaeologists was successfully trolled last thursday by a heroic whistle blower who broke libel user policy online while regaling a story how corrupt consultant Duncan Hawkins was foiled attempting to circumnavigate planning regulations on a very important excavation and how much lulz was had IRL

• story part 1
  story part 1
• part 2 lulz was had
  part 2 lulz was had
• Typical Drama
  Typical Drama
• Delete fucking everything
  Delete fucking everything

Moar Drama! Fear my industry standard tracking service

A combination of EPIC fixed IP sock puppetry and industry standard tracking service has produced copious pathetic Fail of such a high score it boarders on anti-lulz. The lack of ordinary skillz displayed by the admin and users of this ineffectual shite-pipe mirrors the current high standards in professional archaeology today.

• fear the industry standard tracking service
  fear the industry standard tracking service

Numi-drama

The following is only funny because it is unfairly directed against Americans. An impartial and not remotely hysterical US coin dealer writes;

“	Imports of Roman coins to the USA are not banned - not yet. But if we don't act before 22 April, if YOU don’t act now, it could happen. Click the link at the bottom of this email and use the easy ACCG Fax Wizard to let our government know they must not ban imports of coins of Italian origin. The U.S. and Italy currently have a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) that restricts imports of antiquities of Italian origin. Italy claims they own this "cultural property" and it must be confiscated and returned to the Italian government. The MOU currently does not include coins but if we remain silent coins will be added to the import restrictions when the MOU is renewed this spring. Roman coin imports to the USA will be banned. If coins are added to the MOU, "Italian" ancient coins you purchase from dealers in Germany, the UK, or even Canada might be presumed to be the property of the Italian government. Unless you can prove your coins were exported from Italy before 1970 or you have an export permit from the Italian government, your coins could be confiscated and "returned" to Italy. You could even be accused of purchasing "stolen property." More likely, dealers outside the USA will simply refuse to ship to the USA. Your favorite coin dealers in the USA will face the same restrictions. Inventories will fall, shops will close, prices will rise, and fewer coins will be available for collectors. There will be no restrictions on shipping ancient coins within the EU, so this cultural patrimony claim is targeted only at Americans, who presumably steal the heritage of Italy by buying Roman and other "Italian" ancient coins. We must tell our government that the coins of Rome and the ancient civilizations of Italy are not just the cultural heritage of Italians; they are the cultural heritage of all humanity, including Americans. We must tell our government that we should not be denied the opportunity to buy ancient coins just because we are American. We must tell our government that our children should not be deprived of learning the learning experience ancient coins provide just because they are American.	„

b at Pompeii

“	I.2.20 (Bar/Brothel of Innulus and Papilio); 3932: Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!	„

“	VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1820: Chie, I hope your hemorrhoids rub together so much that they hurt worse than when they every have before!	„

“	III.5.3 (on the wall in the street); 8898: Theophilus, don’t perform oral sex on girls against the city wall like a dog	„

“	VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1824: If she can strike through my soft chest, then why can’t I smash her head with a club?	„

“	VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1882: The one who buggers a fire burns his penis.	„

“	VIII.7.6 (Inn of the Muledrivers; left on the door); 4957: We have wet the bed, host. I confess we have done wrong. If you want to know why, there was no chamber pot.	„

Archaeology at the University of Bath

“	Whilst the storyline behind the BBC series Bonekickers is pure drama, the campus that the team of archaeologists is based at is very real. Although archaeology is not one the subjects we offer, the University of Bath is recognised internationally for the quality of our teaching ...	„

Archaeology as Science

“	I consider a mistake one of the humanity's belive, caused by religion and social enviroments, the fact that "until proof" we have the daring to consider ourselves the only intelligent life forms in the Universe. And yes I do not have evidence to support what I belive at this point, neighter do astrobyologists and astronomers arround the world, still that does not make them less proffesional then an archaeologist. And until eveidence how much an archaeologist has to work? Having evidence does not automatically prove or disprove a theory or opinion. Ultimatelly there are puzzle pieces that must be put together to prove something. That is my opinion anyway.	„

“	Sep 11 2009, 9:47 am - Replied by: seraphim [12]	„

The economics of antiquities

In the good old days before law and order, "locals" used to sell antiquities to whichever rich bloke wandered past. Then the Victorians decided that foreigners were not to be trusted with antiquities, and stole them all to put in the British Museum for white people to look at. Now we're giving antiquities back [13], and so the status quo is restored. Antiquity goes to shit country, shit country has change of government, antiquity is looted and then sold to some rich bloke. Perfectomundo. (The alternative is the Taliban who just blow antiquities up [14], allah akbar.)

How not to troll Archaeologists

Don't ask them these questions as it flatters them into thinking they are sexy;

• Are you afraid of snakes?
• Which designer makes the best fedoras?
• How many traps have you triggered?
• How many Nazis have you killed in your line of work?
• Can I have fries with that?

DeviantArchaeology

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Don't see also

• Tomb Raider

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