Buddha

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Buddha didn't die for your sins. moar liek HNNNNNNGGGGG!

Buddha: A chappy in India who had a look about and thought to himself "this life is pretty shite tbh" and so decided to sit down and have a little think about meaning and purpose and shit. After a few years, he hadn't really concluded much but he did find that if he sat about for a long time and stopped thinking about horrible shit then he felt a bit better. Buddha was a lazy cunt and didn't want to acknowledge the fact that he'd wasted his life fapping under a tree. So he made up some cock and balls about karma and rebirth and begged people for rice in return for enlightenment. Over the years the Buddha's elaborate trolling gathered quite a following. Bell ends from every corner of curry land signed up, and each brought their own superstitions and ideas. Soon enough Buddhism had evolved from "sitting down and not thinking about how shit you are" to what it is today: a refuge for closeted faggots and sexually repressed life failers.

Noteworthy: For a long time the Buddha would not let women be Buddhists, insisting that they should remain in the kitchen (Fact). He also maintained that homosexuals could not attain enlightenment (fact).

Even more noteworthy: In the Vinaya Pitika (rules) there is a passage that details the punishment for auto-sodomy (buttfucking yourself) and one BADMUN monk is cited as a perpetrator (fact)

More noteworthy still: some argue that since Buddhism does not have a revered deity, it is not a religion, but a philosophy, despite the large number of enchanted guest stars present that would clearly indicate otherwise. The vast majority of people, however, do not care about this hipster cult.

Complete Biography

Buddha was born Siddy Gaudy, a prince in northern India. After seeing a hobo, a funeral, and a holy man on the same

Buddha rocked Abraham hard.

day, he got pissed and left his wife and kids. This practice of ditching your so-called loved ones for would soon become popular among black persons in the 1970s, '80s and '90s. He joined a group of ascetics, who were the cutters and pro-ana of his time. He sat around all day listening to depressing sitar music, writing emo poems about how his parents didn't understand, and not eating (which is really easy to do in India). After a while, he noticed this was retarded, and decided to just meditate and eat some shrooms under a tree. After having some crazy visions and shitting bricks, he apparently achieved enlightenment after finding himself, making him the happiest hopped up druggy motherfucker evar. He did not, however, die for your sins, because sin hadn't been invented yet and he was too lazy to get off his fat ass to invent them anyway. Now, he is worshiped by leftards all over the world to show their mommies and daddies how trendy they are.

Followers of Buddha

Despite Buddha himself being reportedly perfect in every way (except for his brief fat and ana phases), his followers often manage to be fucktarded douchebags. For example, his fans at Buddhists can generally be found whining about trolling, telling people that they're going to hell, and taking the internet way too seriously. Other popular online Buddhist activities include creating failed communities and babbling about completely irrelevant shit for no apparent reason.

Only the Chinese azn retards depict Buddha as a fatty, since they never considered that living on hemp seeds alone and spending all your time meditating and sleeping in the woods doesn't leave you many opportunities to become Jabba the Hutt. These fat dickheads often display such "art" in their American restaurants, where they avoid the total lack of talent that would have doomed them to starvation in China by serving the Chinese equivalent of a ham and cheese sandwich and charging 20 bucks for it. Their "Buddha" statues help to support the idea that just because you're morbidly obese from a diet of beer and deep-fried Cheetos doesn't mean you can't achieve eternal bliss and start one of the largest religions in world history. Enjoy your SARS and bird flu, Chinafags.

U guyz i am ttly deep an sprtual!

Buddhism is a popular trend among filthy stinking hippies and morbidly obese psychic mediums; owing to the fact that it is vaguely exotic and lets the believer look deep and intelligent without having to provide any further evidence. Despite the huge numbers of devotees, most of these incense-reeking robe-wearing bongmonkeys have absolutely no idea what Buddhism is- upon being prompted, the reply will be to the effect of "whoah man, it's like, and yeah, mystical and yeah". One could attribute the total ignorance to the fact that these are the same people that believe in crystal healing and fornication with plant life, and one would likely be correct. Their complete ignorance of all aspects of the doctrine will not, however, prevent them from ostentatiously displaying statues of Buddha.

Buddha - The Original Emo

Buddhists believe that "duhkha", or suffering, is the fundamental truth of existence. According to some fgt named Rupert Gethin, "The Buddha taught that all life is suffering, and the only way to escape suffering is to escape from life."

Translated: Everything sucks and you should permaban yourself IRL. Why more Buddhists do not do this is unknown, but it would sure be nice if they did. Of course, one reason is that Buddhism teaches that if you become an hero, then you'll just reincarnate somewhere, possibly somewhere worse, and you might incarnate as another Chris-chan. Buddhism teaches that escape from life is from complete apathy to everything, even pain, and you get that way through insight. But anyone reaching that level of insight would simply achieve godlike powers like what L. Ron Hubbard claims Scientology can get you, and you don't hear of anyone robbing banks through telekinesis, so you know Buddhist meditation does not work.

Teaching

In the Buddha's first sermon, he said the following three things:

1. All life is suffering. 2. The cause of suffering is grasping. 3. The way out of suffering is letting go.

Tension in body causes the nerves to become pinched, making you feel less alive by dulling your senses. This is why childhood is prized as such a lofty experience, because you felt so alive as a child before you had accumulated tensions. This tension is what creates the feeling of self: when there is no tension in the self, the self is no more, and we are merged into a cosmic experience of existence with senses operating at optimum, becoming immune to both pleasure and pain, and achieving ultimate satisfaction.

Buddha advocated a path of extreme effort before a final let-go in the end, which is easy because you're so tired of all the effort. The point of the effort is just to make you tired so your let-go can be total.

ZOMb!1

You can run but you can't hide; Buddha is deeply encoded into the mathematical level of existence itself.

(WARNING: Seriously gay-ass music)

Celebrity Buddhists

Buddhism's answer to the Pope

EastEnders' answer to Buddha

• Beastie Boys (who are DOING IT WRONG!)
• Cadmus
• Kurt Cobain (also Jainist)
• Robert Downey, Jr. (also Jewish)
• Hidoshi
• Katō Tomohiro
• Kevin
• Richard Gere
• Steve Jobs
• George Lucas (also Methodist)
• Tila Nguyễn
• OldDirtyBtard
• Chan Ho Park
• Stoner-chan
• Tiger Woods
• Sumitani Masaki
• Tenzin Gyatso (The 14th and current Dalai Lama. He is praised and revered by Buddhists, especially those in his native country of Tibet, despite having ruled Tibet with an iron fist that included inequality between priests and serfs and torturing those who committed crimes by gouging out their eyes, ripping out their toungues and/or disemboweling them. Enjoy, Buddhafags.)
• Tsuji Natsumi
• Yamaguchi Otoya
• Keanu Reeves
• Steven Seagal

Practices and Beliefs of Buddhism

• Enlightenment
• The Lulz
• Karma (see Troll's Remorse)
• Heaven is no longer only for Christians (see Pure Land Buddhism)

Buddha is part of a series on Obscure Religions

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