PlayStation 3

It never had a chance.

The only thing that can be done with your new Playstation 3 controller

The PlayStation 3, otherwise known as the PS3 or teh best grafix evar, PSTripple or Gaystation 3 is Sony's next-gen game console. It is notorious for being a gigantic humming slab of expensive bollocks with a price tag not dissimilar to a solid gold house. Any retarded sony fanboy still masturbating to his nostalgic memories of the borefests that where playstation 1 & 2 will be disappointed to note the distinct lack of games on this new system. It instead serves up some useless gimmicks, like a piss-poor bandwith connection that effectivley sucks up your entire internet bill within a day and a SIXAXIS controller that you can turn and twist in front of a blank screen and weep. In the highly unlikely situation that you do actually find an exclusive game for this console, it will undoubtedly be some pathetic weaboo title called Gay fantasy VIIIVIXX: electric boogalosisto or the new Adventure Game Max that consist of roughly three billion hours of cinematic cutscenes and about three minutes of mind-numbingly insipid gameplay.

The hardware of the PS3 consists of the cell processor, which runs on the tears of Muslim orphans and alkaline batteries, and the RSX GPU (which is actually an outdated G70 chip).

Average PS3 fanboy

Before Chad Warden, we all thought PS3 users were Basement Dwellers, NOP!!!!!!!!!!!! Chad Warden revolutionized the PS3 fanboy position into a sexy, sleek, stylish, mexican, gangnam style, high dope shit typa shit. The new style was transfused with the classic fanboy style. And made a hybrid fanboy style, not used by all. Some found it offensive, others switched to it quickly. But at that point the whole PSN community was split, it was either Chad Warden, Classic (Consisted of fucking raping adolescent children, eating Lucky Charms, and playing the games Megaman, Modern Warfare 2, or Sonic.) or Hybrid (Classic and Chad Warden mixed). But all styles included shoving a PS3 controller deep into your butt-hole, and then proceeding to press the buttons, "X", "R1", "L3", and "Select". That was the initiation into each of the styles, and people were demanded to do it at least 11 times each week by the superiors. 100 years have past since the creation of the Hybrid style. It's commonly practiced among the PS3 community, all of the styles are. They're just known as Stereotypes

Hackers? In my PS3?

What PS3 users went through to make their decision of buying a PS3.

A haxor by the name of George Hotz (geohot) discovered that if you poke a memory wire and map a bunch of memory at the same time, presto you own your PS3. This attack was complicated and it required an expensive chip to poke the memory wire with and half the time it just crashed the PS3 but it still created copious amounts of butthurt at Sony and they decided that the final solution was to neuter PS3's Lunix functionality. At this point, other people got involved because Sony has committed the one mortal sin, they had taken Linux Lunix away from basement dwellers.

The first development was the PS-jailbreak which was open sourced as the PS-groove dongle. It gave the user ops on the PS3 by smashing a buffer and injecting some code. This gave the user lots of power but they still didn't actually own the PS3 like geohot did but even though the hipervisor was still intact on the PS3 it didn't care if the games the user played were pirated. So not by plugging in a dongle anyone could just play backups.

This was still not enough because although it allowed anyone to download their PS3 games off The Pirate Bay it didn't allow Basement Dwellers to play their favorite game: Linux Lunix. This was when some Germans called team FailOverflow started looking into the PS3 security system. They found 3 problems with the PS3. Really big certificate revocation lists would overflow a buffer in the super secret isolated security processor and allow them to get decryption keys, the PS3 runs firmware code before determining if that code is valid so with a mod chip you could feed it anything you want, and the funniest: Every PS3 game code was signed using the same random number.

There are 2 rules to implementing encryption code. #1 you always do what the mathematicians say. #2 When the mathematicians say random number that does not mean use the same random number every time. Sony broke Rules 1 and 2 and by doing so they distributed the private keys in the form of a puzzle which is trivial to solve given any 2 unique games.

There is no way to patch this because the key they lost is the real key, it is not a hack or a security vulnerability, it allows anyone to run code using the exact same method that Sony uses to run code. Every PS3 that has so far been sold is now and forever will be capable of piracy. More importantly it will not be able to run Linux Lunix again.

Who'd have thought there could be lulz at a conference full of basement dwellers?

Feeling left out, GeoHot used the techniques described in the above vidia to factor the root key and he put it up on his website. This enraged Sony even more and they decided to sue him and everyone who had seen the key.

Simply copy the PS3 masterykey and paste it on PS3 community forums. Sit back and watch lulz ensue

erk: C0 CE FE 84 C2 27 F7 5B D0 7A 7E B8 46 50 9F 93 B2 38 E7 70 DA CB 9F F4 A3 88 F8 12 48 2B E2 1B

riv: 47 EE 74 54 E4 77 4C C9 B8 96 0C 7B 59 F4 C1 4D

pub: C2 D4 AA F3 19 35 50 19 AF 99 D4 4E 2B 58 CA 29 25 2C 89 12 3D 11 D6 21 8F 40 B1 38 CA B2 9B 71 01 F3 AE

B7 2A 97 50 19

R: 80 6E 07 8F A1 52 97 90 CE 1A AE 02 BA DD 6F AA A6 AF 74 17

n: E1 3A 7E BC 3A CC EB 1C B5 6C C8 60 FC AB DB 6A 04 8C 55 E1

K: BA 90 55 91 68 61 B9 77 ED CB ED 92 00 50 92 F6 6C 7A 3D 8D

Da: C5 B2 BF A1 A4 13 DD 16 F2 6D 31 C0 F2 ED 47 20 DC FB 06 70

Oh and your subpoena is in the mail :P

Sony's lawyers tried to falsify evidence by saying geohot had agreed to the PSN disclaimer agreement. Sony had yet another genius idea by creating a PSN screen name that is supposed to be geohot to try to incriminate him. This tactic has backfired because, get this, they got his handle and location wrong. IRC, geohot is known as just simply geohot and he lives in New Jersey. The alleged account that Sony's lawyers made up is called "Geo1Hotz" and says that he is located in Rhode Island. Lulz ensued when geohot's lawyer stated this. In other words, Sony has made their situation even worse and geohot might consider counter-suing.. and someone else is getting fired! Read it for your self to laugh.

http://www.ps3-hacks.com/2011/01/24/geohot-moves-for-dismissal/

Want to troll Sony? Simply add the account Geo1Hotz to your friends list and greet Sony with a message. Added lulz if you come up with a creative lulzy message and post photo.

Fan boy's cry

Since then, the flood gates have opened and over 9000 hackers have released an ocean of hacks for PS3. It has literally has become a nightmare to Sony as it was with the PSP. Fanboys of course raged over this as they realize all the money they have spent on games is for nothing as now everyone can have those same games for free. This is now known as The Great PS3 - Hacker Wars. Now, the PS3 has became an infinite goldmine of possibilities and trolling PS3 Fanboys has never been easier.. and somebody at Sony just got fired!

It wasn't until hackers flooded multiplayer games specifically Modern Warfare 2 that PS3 fan boys started to sob. What the asshole hackers did on the servers was bypass Infinity Wards' security and contributed to many lulz. Hackers were invincible, had infinite ammo, and even erased stats of countless innocents who were unfortunate enough to cross them. This of course lead to butthurt on a massive scale. Trolling MW2 had been taken to a new level. Players started to complain to PSN and Infinity Ward, but nothing could be done. Activision (who now owns Call of Duty) told Sony to fly right and stop fucking around or else they will discontinue service! Uh-oh, do you know what this means? No more Call of Duty for PS3. If this can be done on MW2, then other games will soon fall victim. EA was smart to take action early when it came to the release of Dead Space 2, players must pay to play online on EA servers because of Sony's fail. That's right! If you want to dismember some necromorphs with your buddies, you better have that credit card ready. The future of PS3 has taken a turn for the worse, but who didn't see this coming. After all, this is a system whose best game was the fucking blue ray movie Superman 2!

	“	lets see jailbroken consoles already ruining online games like MW2, apps that enable instant trophies, next a wave of F@ggL@ggers hacking online accounts and stealing personal info and for what, because I wannaaaaa run homebrewwwww, I wannaaaaa run linuuuuux, such bullshit, all this asshole Geonotsohot did was fuck it up for the ppl that just want to play games on an even playing field. Hackers hack my old Nutts. LOL	„
	— sonyyoco, you can tell by the name what he is really

	“	WAAAAAAA I CAN’T PLAY MW2 BECAUSE OF HACKERS! WAA WAA PS3 HACKERS ARE MESSING IT UP FOR REAL PLAYERS LIKE ME WAAAAAAAAAAAA! IT’S GEOHOTZ FAULT! Lol you fan boys bitch too much, whats done is done. Sony had it coming. They took Other OS out, took away backwards compatibility, offer shit service, made their shit system expensive, and what not. They were too cocky. How bad does it hurt to know that people are downloading games for free while your pathetic selves have to either save up enough of your allowance, ask mommy and daddy to buy it, or spend your hard earn money on the same game? A lot. I bet half of you on this forum even have an iPod or a PSP that’s jailbroken already. Hypocrites aren’t we all? LMFAO cry me a river. Enjoy your stats.. while you have them! lulz	„
	— a troll who is about to get a bunch of feed back pretty soon

Sony turns off PSN

Open up your history books, as we read about that time PSN was hacked, even though every 15 minutes in a Cock Of Duty match on Paybawks Live, a 13-year-old boy hacks their stats. [[On April 20 ( Hitlers B-Day), Sony brought PlayStation Network down. They didn't say much about why but they made some dark allusions to external penetration and said it would be back in 2 or 3 days. Anonymous was originally blamed for the PSN disaster but when the leader of anonymous said he knew nothing about it, fingers turned toward Microsoft. It is unlike Anonymous to attack something and deny credit. 6 days later and with no end to the downtime in sight, this tidbit surfaced on reddit:

A visual representation of what happened to PSN.

	“	Ok, I've seen a bunch of speculation of why people think PSN is down, and I thought I should just post what the community knows in comparison to what Sony is telling everyone. The truth is, there was a new CFW (custom firmware) released known as Rebug (http://rebug.me). It essentially turns a retail console into a dev console (not fully, but gives you a lot of the same options that usually dev's only have access to). Anyway, this new CFW was quickly figured out by 3rd parties (not Rebug) to give CFW users access to the PSN network again via the dev networks. With a little manipulation of the URL's through a proxy server you could get your hacked console back online. Not that big of a deal, right? Well, it also turns out that some people over at NGU found out that you could provide fake CC# info and the authenticity of the information was never checked as you were on Sony's private developer PSN network (essentially a network that Sony trusted). What happened next was extreme piracy of PSN content. Sony realizing the issue here shut down the network. Now, before you go freaking out about the latest information posted about Kotaku, no ones personal information was accessible via this hack. Not to say they couldn't get it, but no one is admitting to it being available. Anyway, that's the real reason for the PSN downtime. Sony is now rebuilding all of it's PSN servers to be more secure and (hopefully) make sure the CFW users cannot get online anymore.	„
	—this post

So the truth comes out that Sony shut down PSN not because of an attack from Anonymous but because they would rather nobody be able to play their games than let anybody be able to play their games for free. Why they timed the shutdown over April Vacation is anyone's guess.

PlayStation fans took the news in stride as all gamers are well known for their patience.

	“	going to kill myself !!!!!!!!!!! 1or 2 days??? this sucks…	„
	—erick_34

Little play on words there.

	“	If i see ever see someone bragging about being one of the hackers responsible for this I will hunt him down and kill him myself.	„
	—leDaveKron

	“	with the lot of games i have it will hardly be noticeable. if this is due to anon attacks they should burn at the stake for this. moron hackers ruin EVERYTHING	„
	—eyesofreality03

	“	anonymous…..they are using BLACKMAIL tactics to scare PSN users, Don’t these attacks resemble Terrorism? Time to get the FBI and CIA involved, heck CSIS, The Kremlin and the rest. As for the dude who said hes part of Soviet Security Tech then have at it. I even found the site that anonymous uses to spread news amongst it members. My list of names, websites and i.p. addresses is growing. I intend to catch them myself, even if nobody else is willing to help out. PLEASE DDOS IRC	„
	—Rambo SOOPERGOOMAN187

LOL Doxed

According to recent news the security breach wasn't limited to users playing online multiplayer games in god mode. They actually managed to get user names, passwords, addresses, birth dates, and other information used to register accounts. Sony's advisory on Tuesday means that the company was likely storing passwords, credit card numbers, expiration dates, and other sensitive information unencrypted on its servers. Of course encrypting the data wouldn't have helped much anyway if they encrypt everything using the same random number.

	“	If I had made the mistake of giving PlayStation Network my credit card information, I would be maxing the fucker out. Beats the shit out of paying for someone else’s hookers!	„
	—Anonymous

ApocalyPS3

It literally does nothing now.

ApocalyPS3 is the day the PS3 broke and thousands of fanboys ragequit from the PS3 forever because they lost their favorite trophies. Some may have lost their trophies permanently because of one time only online trophies. People are getting an 8001050F error which does not allow players worldwide from signing into PSN, accessing trophy information, and even playing particular games offline. The PS3 officially lived up to the title of NOGAEMSBOX.

SIXAXIS Controller

Typical PlayStation 3 Demo.

Also known as the rich man's Wiimote, with so many people gagging to see the best copy-pasta in console control history, it would be poor form for Sony to actually deliver something that was any more useful than a sack of potatoes before the Irish famine. Hailed as a new and exciting piece of technology that would render the old wheel and shift stick control packs obsolete, everyone acted surprised when it worked about as accurately as controlling a space shuttle with your flaccid penis- which everyone expected, but outrage is so much fun to have. The worst part about this piece of shit was that Sony had the bright idea, yet again, to remove the vibration feature. Why? because Sony claimed that a dual shock six-axis would fuck up the six axis motion thus shortening the life span of the controller. To no surprise, six axis controllers already were flimsy, buttons got stuck, and broke easily from even the slightest tap. With out a dual shock, gamers were lost. Then, a few people modded their six-axis controllers buy taking parts from their PS2 dual shock controllers. They showed off their modded six axis controllers with vibration and called bullshit on Sony. A year and a half later, Sony release dualshock 3 controllers with six axis tech. When ordinary people do what your hired and highly experienced staff can't, then you know you failed.

Games

There are none

Home

PlayStation Home is a 3D social game that is included in the PlayStation 3 where all the Basement Dwellers come together in an virtual world with various of spaces and they use real money to buy clothes to play dress up.

The Home community loves their Home so much that if you were to speak poorly about it, they will get all butthurt and attack you.

Trophies

This makes losing your social life a little less shitty, right?

As shown by the sheer amount of time 14 year olds spend trying to get all the trophies on Halo 3, unlockable achievements greatly increase the playtime that a game appeals to those who have fifteen extra hours. Therefore, instead of adding more useless content (like anybody wants that), developers have taken to adding forty trophies. Actual examples include:

• Malpractice Needs More Practice
• Rope-a-dope-a-dope
• Vermin Champion
• All Stars

and of course

• Win an online Sit and Go Tournament of 2 to 7 triple draw

Peripherals

PlayStation Eye

The PlayStation Eye add-on was intended as a high resolution optical pickup device capable of detecting the most intricate amount of detail for game such as Eye Of Judgment; instead it’s used for capturing the stunned look of losers playing Burnout Paradise in just their urine stained underwear with their bitch tits hanging over their binge-induced beer guts, laying about in their grotty bedsits. It is fact that 90% of PlayStation Eyes have seen more than any eye should see. It is also a fact that all PS3 users who own a PlayStation Eye do not use it for chatting online since it is impossible to get anyone to chat, use it for webcams for skype, vent, and chat roulette

Dualshock 3

After stating for months that the Sixaxis controller was designed without rumble because it contained sensitive tilt switches that would be made inoperable by the rumble feature, Sony decided to do a complete U-turn and add rumble anyway; Not because of any technological improvements, but because they decided to give in to a bunch of Intellectual Property trolls who claimed to hold the patent to this feature. This news was greatly welcomed by PS3 fanatics worried that they wouldn't be able to play Modern Warfare 2 with 'realistic bullet recoil'.

PlayStation Move

Rip off of the Wii.

• Also used as sex toy (AKA) Dildo
• Much Smoother and more niggerish version of WiiMote (Used as dildos for girls who like it rougher)

This particular useless plastic crap has an interesting yet never the less, laughable back story. During E3 06, at Sony's press conference, The president of Sony of America, when asked about his opinions on the Wii, stated that the Wii will never catch on, no one will buy it, no body wants to move around. Fast forward to 2010, the Wii is still the highest selling home console at 1st place, Xbox 360 at 2nd, PS3 at last. Sony of course losing, decides to invent a pair of controllers that the player moves to interact with the video game to give the feeling of being actually in the game. One for motioning and another for moving. Does it sound familiar? Of course it doesn't because Sony makes nothing but masterpieces. They wanted to be original so like they do with every peripheral or console since 2000, they paint it black. Also OOOOOOOOOO it has a glowing colorful ball AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Unveiling At E3

In 2006 PlayStation thought that to be pretty cool to try and boost its popularity by competing alongside Xbox and Wii; this backfired horribly. After get assraped numerous times in terms of price, quality, avaliablity and games, PlayStation decided to release PS3 in December where it failed epically in the console battle. Below is a complete summary of it's failure:

Of course it's not fair to blame the console. It's not the PS3's fault that it's shit; PSP established that. Judging by the audience's response to Ridge Racer, one can only imagine how well the PS4 shall do.

FUCK YEAH RIIIIIIDGE RACER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GNU/Linux

As its disgusting fat father, the PlayStation 2, the PlayStation 3 also has the ability to boast something only basement dwellers and rocket scientists use.

After the elite hacker Geohot released information about being able to use the PS3's shitty hardware, before blocked from being accessed by 3rd party operating systems, including it's hidden fanboy dildo feature, Sony began to go apeshit and removed the Lunix feature.

Fanboys began bawwing as a feature they don't even use disappeared. As the days passed, the heavens darkened as Richard Stallman lowered from the heavens and promised that Geohot will include a new firmware hack to allow them to use their hidden fan boy dildo feature on their state-of-the-art GNU/Linux Lunix operating system.

How to Use Your PS3

What your PS3 should look like.

More fun than playing games with it.

1. Insert Blu-Ray disk (the PS3 will turn on when you stick your disk in).
2. Turn on your controller.
3. Select the game you would like to play from the XMB.
4. Wait for useless game update to download that doesn't even fucking do anything.
5. Change the channel to something else, while you wait, preferably something with DBZ on it.
6. Pray the update didn't brick your system.
7. Use the microphone.
8. Go back to your game and press the start button on your controller to skip the opening cut scene... But wait, your controller is out of batteries, you're gonna go need to plug it in with its 3 inch cord.
9. Now that you've finished with that, you can play your game while being constantly interrupted by a message telling you that someone has logged in or out.
10. DL a demo online, after which the demo you buy from the marketplace becomes a PS1 classic and the only game on your 600GB hard-drive for 2 or more years.
11. Voice command activate your PS3.
12. Realize that you're wasting your time.
13. Create a photo album using the O/s
14. Turn off the PS3.
15. Get back to watching DBZ.
16. Go on the internets and torrent every single episode of Dragon Ball Z, and stick it on your PS3.
17. Watch all of them.
18. Then chuck the PS3 out the fucking window and buy a 360 because you weren't smart enough to sell it at Rick's Pawn Shop.

The Aftermath

After realizing what a shoddy abomination of a game console Sony was making, only the most hardcore of Sony's horde of zombie fanboys still supported it (see: Sony Defense Force). Also, game developers decided that it was smarter to take their chances at making games for Xbox 360 (which was out first) or Wii (an overclocked GameCube) than to try and make games for an unstable bucket of random parts that runs on technology that hasn't even been invented yet. PlayStation 3 caught the attention of the US Government when the FBI discovered that it was the only entity in recent history to lose more support in less time than George Bush Jr.

Also like Dubya, entire communities of losers have coalesced to form cesspools of console fanboyism for everything that's not a Sony product. Both these factions are currently preparing to against their assimilation into the virtual societal simulation that is PlayStation Home.

Typical PS3 player

Your typical PS3 player.

Chris Hansen busts a typical PlayStation 3 player.

Doesn't start till 0:28

PS3 GALLERY

Gallery About missing Pics

• 
  Think the PS3 is bad? Just wait for the PS4.
• 
  This is what most people think of when the subject of the PS3 comes out.
• 
  Sony's answer to Nintendo Urine family games.
• 
  Ken Kutaragi's lean, mean, budget-reducing gaming machine. But don't call it that. PS3 is not a game console. Sony never said it was.
• 
  The most eagerly anticipated PS3 game is coming out on a competing console.

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

• 
  Even King Leonidas is proud to have switched.
• 
  Giant enemy crabs!!!
• 
  Every Xbox Fanboys Wetdream.
• 
  there are nuoh gaems
• 
• 
  PS3 owner laughing at own image of himself having foot shoved up arse. Voice is then recorded and sent to Sony for analysis.
• 
  The PS3 had disappointing sales.
• 
  Even PS3 ads fail.
• 
• 
• 
  PS3 is all about over-kill.

PSN Mods

Godforbid you troll anyone online, as PSN mods get very, very butthurt and know that the Internet is srs business. The like to be the White Knights of the intarwebz and even go so far as to ban you for doing some trollin' in PS Home (a shitty rip off of an already shitty "game"; Second Life)

See also

• PlayStation
• PlayStation 2
• PlayStation 4
• PSP
• Chadwardenn
• Xbox 360
• Wii

External links

• Wii60.com- Anti-PS3 site whose primary weapon is mass amounts of lulz.
  However, it now redirects to razoric.com, so it may as well be dead.
• The Angry Sony Fanboy YTMND- A Sony fanboy breaks free of the mind-controlling curse of Final Fantasy VII.
  
• PS3rules.com- Official Sony zombie headquarters. Sometimes is offline for days on end, not that anyone cares.
• Smash My PS3.com - A pile of homosexuals that think they can do better.
• At least your other SONY games won't feel left out at looking like shit.
• Tretton says: "Fail is Win!"
• A comparison of the power used by the three systems. Spoiler Alert: The PS3 loses.
• Muppet345 educates you on Japanese honor- A Sony fanboy just lets the tears flow free about its sad excuse for a console losing yet another system exclusive noone gives a shit about anyways.
• Same as above, but now with 100% more moving picture! Be sure to check the comments.
  
• Myths, debunked.

PlayStation 3 is part of a series on Gaming Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.

Article of the Nao May 10, 2011
Preceded by Jimbo Wales	PlayStation 3	Succeeded by Anonymous