World Cup 2010
Once every four years, billions of peasants, workers, bosses, politicians and Kings and Queens around the world (except America) down tools, turn on their TVs and radios and give their undivided attention to a glorious carnival of lulz and drama known as the World Cup - an unparalleled celebration of the world's most popular sport, football.
History
The game of football was invented in England at least 100 years ago before the Romans invaded, when the savages of Eng would pwn their fellow cuntrymen, (the even moar filthy, dirty savage Celts and Welsh), in battle, cut off their heads and then kick them around the countryside. It pretty much stayed that way until WW2, when Britfags got their shit together to fight a common enemy. After that, shit got organised and 'civilised' leaving it up to lazy, violent, unemployed disaffected youth to keep the tradition alive by kicking heads around whilst still attached to the body with steel-toe Doc Martens.
By 1929, everyone in the world was playing football thanks to its spread courtesy of marauding empire builders like the English, Spanish, French, Portuguese, Dutch and Germans (along with the slightly more interesting imports like VD and God). It was around this time that someone figured out there was money to be made from organising a global tournament of the Beautiful Game once every four years and -behold- the World Cup was born and the first World Cup was played in 1930.
South Africa: 2010
The first World Cup to be played on African soil took place in June 2010 and started off as lulzy and dramatic as one would expect from such a disaster of a continent when SA's president for life and apartheid hero Nelson Mandela let his great-granddaughter go to a U2 concert at the opening event and she died in a car crash. After that, Mr Mandela was notably absent from the opening game: South Africa v. Mexico.
Drama and lulz having been established, the 2010 World Cup then turned its focus on producing original content Internets and IRL meme after meme. From the jump, the world was exposed to South Africa's best kept secret (and one everyone wishes would have stayed a secret), the Vuvuzela. This weapon of temper and ear destruction has become the only unforced meme in history of the Internets to be reviled and dissed and wished into oblivion by everyone from the players on the field to the channers on the chans.
Lost on almost everyone (except ED) was the delicious irony that Africa was being re-invaded by all their former colonial masters to re-pwn the inferior footie played in Niggeria.
Five years after the selection of South Africa to host the games, it was discovered that SA was selected as the result of corruption and bribery:
—[1] | ||
The Tournament
Things To Look For
- Diving
- Acting
- Red cards
- Bad referee calls
- Penalty shootouts
- Butthurt
- Manly tears
- Smoking hawt international babeage watching the games
- America's early exit
- England's early exit
- Rampant TOW vandalism
- 4chan's /sp/ board to actually become popular.
- BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Group Play
The competition starts with Group Play in which the 32 teams that qualified for the World Cup are divided into 8 groups -A thru H. Each group has 4 teams that play in a round robbin fashion, the top 2 teams advancing to the next round. These matches take two weeks to separate the wheat from the chaff...plenty of time for naturally occurring memes like The Hand of Clod and The Penguin to form.
Also memeworthy was France who -to nobody's surprise- surrendered and went home. They had already tried to surrender in the qualification game against Ireland, but in true luck of the Irish fashion, when the French threw up their hands to surrender, a stray ball hit Thierry Henry's hand and went in the goal to eliminate the Potatoniggers.
Stunned that they were back in the World Cup only 4 years after getting pwnt by the Italian National Diving Team in the 2006 World Cup final, they set about fagging up Group Play by having lolcow hissy-fits amongst themselves and acting out worse than the Italians -who also decided to go home early after finding out that diving was no longer a World Cup sport.
To make matters worse, France exited the 2010 World Cup only 4 years after surrendering to the Italians in the 2006 final when they surrendered to the host nation's team that only got into the World Cup by being the host nation. Having thrown their hands up so many times already, they had no hands left to throw up to show good sportsmanship as they went home -much to the delight of the Micks.
Stage 2
Stage 2 is more conventional win-or-go-home elimination matchplay with brackets that your typical Murkin can get his or her peabrain around. Unlike Group Play, there are no boring 0-0 ties on this level and if the game is tied at the end of regulation, the games go to dramarific extra time and/or sudden death penalty shootouts. Usually, Americans stop caring by this stage since they fail at life and never make it beyond Group Play, however, the US team advanced in 2010 by playing the victim complex card and responding to an urgent business proposal to win their group (thanks to a softgoal against their elders and betters who felt that letting the US win would make up for BP's epic Deepwater Horizon troll in the Gulf of Mexico and placate the angry mobs of Ragin' Cajuns who were crashing BP stock). Thus, ESPN are guaranteed moar Jew Golds and Americans are treated to the wonders of advertising-free games that actually last what it says on the clock: 90 minutes (+3).
2010's Group Play ended with every African team barring Ghana being eliminated, leaving the locals just one team to root for. And yet, those fucking Vuvuzelas just won't STFU. Luckily, Ghana had a rematch with their pwnees from the last World Cup -USA- and was guaranteed a win and a berth in the next round since its opponent in Stage 2 are American college educated sissies. You see, only in America do young men learn the Beautiful Game on lush pitches on college campuses via 'soccer' scholarships. The rest of the world learns the game and gets mad skillz as working class young guttersnipes on the mean streets and gravel pitches of big cities.
Apart from that, Stage 2 is dominated by South American teams -as per usual. Really, the rest of the world should just give up because Brazil or Argentina win the World Cup every time. And the European teams that do make it thru to Stage 2 are usually the wops and dagos who colonised South America in the first place so if you're Caucasian and rooting for Germany or England (aka the Chicago Cubs of footie)...abandon hope all ye who enter here naow. Why the inequity? Well, the general equation is: impoverished, unstable nation + mass unemployment + losers + crime = 1337ness and WIN. If America was really serious about winning a World Cup, they'd stop black high school kids from playing basketball and make them play "soccer".
Look for odds-on favourites Spain and a handsome Portuguese squad to at least make it interesting, but it's pretty much a foregone conclusion that Brazil will play Argentina in the final.
Uruguay v South Korea
Uruguay 2, Good Korea 1. Predictably, the dog eaters' goalie's slanty eyes couldn't see two balls heading toward the net.
Portugal vs North Korea
On June 21, 2010, Portugal had pwnt North Korea 7:0 in their World Cup match, thus permabanning them from the competition. The humiliation had caused great butthurt for Kim Jong Il, who declared Jihad upon Portugal, and issued an order to behead all the North Korean n00b players who made them the laughing stock of soccer fans worldwide. Mr. Il is still deciding whether to release the friends and families of the team from detention camps where they were stashed to prevent the cowardly dog-eating losers from defecting to South Efrika.
Ghana vs USA
On Saturday June 26th, 14:00 Pacific Daylight Time, Team USA were pronounced dead after an extra-time 2-1 defeat at the feet of an impoverished bunch of niggers from a country the size of Rhode Island following a spirited competition...again. America's only goal was from an uncontested but dubious penalty call and the conversion from the penalty spot. They leave behind America's collective care for football, their ability to hear anything and the 2010 World Cup. And nothing of value was lost. Oh well, the Yankees are playing the Doyers in a couple of hours.
England vs Germany
See main article at: The Great Buttrape of Bloemfontein
Germany 4, England 1. Predictably, the Chicago Cubs turned up in place of England to play and lose this grudge match with the Krauts. This might sound bad for Britfags but -honestly- the English wouldn't know what to do if England actually won at a game they invented. Since English fans take these matters very srsly, the ref has been placed in the witless relocation programme and is under 24/7 police protection. The following day, FIFA boss, Sepp Blatter issued an apology and promised to think about goal-line reviews in the future, obviously in fear of his life.
Argentina vs. Mexico
Argentina 3, Mexico 1 Any TV sets that were still tuned into the 2010 World Cup got turned off after North America's real football team, Mexico, were owned by Argentina during their 90 minute siesta. Predictably, there was another bad call on an offside Argentinian goal but since Mexicans are always asleep on the job, nobody could be bothered to bitch about it.
Holland vs. Slovakia
Dutchland 2, Slovakia 1 With Germany, Europistan's hopes still remain alive thanks to the clog-wearing dyke fingerers advancing to the quarter-finals by boring Slovakia to death.
Brazil vs. Chile
Brazil 3, Chile 0 Not three months after a magnitude 7.5 earthquake destroyed most of Chile, Brazil continued to rock the Chileans socks off. Already drained from the quake and its fallout, Chile failed to produce and lulz or drama as well as goals.
Paraguay vs. Japan
Paraguay 5, Japan 3. This snoozefest livened up after being tied 0:0 even after extra time (that's 2 fucking hours if you're counting along at home) when it went to the penalty shootout where each side gets 5 attempts. After being tied 2:2 a Jap defender hit the bar and gave Paraguay the 3:2 edge. Paraguay went on to convert all of theirs for the win. As Japanese tradition dictates, the Nip who fucked up then committed Seppuku in the middle of the pitch.
Spain vs. Portugal
Spain 1, Portugal 0: Spain raeps Portugal once again. Even the Portagee weren't surprised and accepted their loss like true fags preferring to throw elbows by way of attacking Spain instead of lobbing balls into the Spanish net. Portugal's superstar captain/hunk, Christian Ronaldo, was too busy being a male model to play football.
Quarter Finals
Dutchland vs. Brazil
Moar info: Robbenball.
Dutchland 2, Brazil 1: In one of the greatest upsets in World Cup history, the #1 ranked team in the world (and favourites to win it all) Brazil dominated the first half and made the Hollish look like the bonnet and clog wearing sissies they are, swarming the Hollish goal and getting an early score. And pretty boy Kaka would have scored a second if it wasn't for the Dutch goalie using obvious hax. They went into half-time up 1:0 however, being the cosplaying trannies Brazilians are, they changed strips with their opponents and played like Dutch wimmins in the second half, giving up a pwn goal, throwing hissy fits over Dutchland's impersonation of the Italian team's traditional diving/acting routine and generating drama resulting in several yellow cards and a red (which meant they had to play with only 10 'men') from the ref. The Hollish prevailed and Vegas bookies shit bricks.
Uruguay vs. Ghana
Moar info: Team Uruguay.
Uruguay 4, Ghana 2: Uruguay pwns on penalties. Another extra-time game thriller ended in a 1:1 tie after Ghana had a chance to win on a penalty in the final minute following a flagrant handball by Uruguay on the goal line. Ghana had spent the extra period swarming the Uruguay goal but had failed to score. They failed again in what should have been a guaranteed ticket to the semi-finals when the penalty kick hit the crossbar. The penalty shootout was prolly the lulziest and most dramatic football in the World Cup thus far and included two saves from the Uruguay goalie and a penalty from Uruguay that resembled a PAT in handegg. The clincher was a pure troll chip shot goal from the Uruguay sub.
With this defeat, Africa's last hope in the World Cup exited in shame and the Vuvuzelas went momentarily silent for the first time in three weeks.
Germany vs. Argentina
Germany 4, Argentina 0: Germany's well-oiled football hate machine stormed through Argentina's defense like Panzers rolling through Poland and the Germans holocausted Argentina easily. Striking early with a goal in the opening minutes of the first half and applying constant pressure on the Argentinian goal area prevented Diego Maradona's team from executing their gameplan of winging it. At halftime in Argentina's locker room it was decided that Argentina would surrender unconditionally -including all diving, acting and badgering the ref. This, of course, ruined any chance of lulz, drama and memes (other than Germanfags on /sp/ spamming up the board with U MAD shoops). The German victory also gave Britfag /sp/astics momentary redemption from their own failure against the Blitz, allowing them to claim superiority over Argentina since they actually scored against Germany.
Spain vs. Paraguay
Spain 1, Paraguay 0: With Argentina and co-favourites Brazil out, it was left up to Paraguay to join Uruguay in keeping the Americas' World Cup hopes alive against a heavily favoured Spanish team. Playing without their star striker who was shot in the head in February the scrappy Paraguayans held off their relentless former colonial masters for much of the game by repeating the formula: dive + complain = free kick whenever Spain got near their goal. An otherwise tl;dw game was salvaged late in the second half by back-to-back penalty calls for each team within the space of two minutes. Additional lulz and drama came when the Spanish goalie saved Paraguay's attempt and Spain's successful kick was disallowed by the ref for encroachment and saved after it was retaken. Massive global butthurt over all the bad calls throughout the tournament was avoided when Spain's David Villa managed to scrape out a 'real' goal just before the final whistle.
Semi-Finals
Dutchland vs. Uruguay
Holland 3, Ur-a-gay 2: With the almighty Suarez gone, there was virtually no hope left for South America. After 18 minutes, Giovanni van Bronckhorst made a goal with so much hax (on his dad's birthday, manly tears were shed.), the referees had to check if he didn't have auto-aim on. But a while later, captain Forlan made the 1-1 with so much ease that it seemed as if the goalkeeper in yellow had turned green. In the second half, the Dutchies actually did something and finished off the Mexicans. TL;DR: piece of goddamn shit, just like every other Dutchie game.
Spain vs Germany
Spain was predicted to win according to Paul the Psychic Octopus, so Germany should have just surrendered like Hitler and blown their brains out and lick the generalissimo's balls. And behold, Paul was right. Spain 1, Germany 0. Paul got into the Germans' heads and then took over the head of Spain's Puyol making it head the ball into the German net late in the second half. Spain pretty much dominated the game throughout, swarming the German goal in wave after wave of attacking Spaniards. Germany's well-oiled scoring machine fell apart like the Nazi's under advancing Russian troops at the end of WW2. Delicious German tears were shed... and they weren't the manly kind.
Paul was then attacked by butthurt Germanfags all over his Failbook page with threats to turn him into calamari.
Third Place Game
Germany vs. Uruguay
Nobody cares. However, Paul the Psychic Octopus predicted that Germany would win, so with his perfect record of prognostication on the line, this match of losers became slightly more interesting. In addition, with Uruguayan and ED hero, Luis Suarez back off suspension for his Hand of Dios shenanigans, some lulz and drama were in play. In fact, every time he touched the ball, he was relentlessly booed by the packed stadium, managing to completely drown out those fucking Vuvuzelas.
In what turned out to be one of the most exciting games of the 2010 World Cup, Paul went on to beat Uruguay despite the fact that Uruguay looked like they owned for much of the match. Germany 3, Uruguay 2. Everyone shit bricks, including Mani the Psychic Parakeet when Forlan had a free-kick just outside the penalty box as the clock wound down and rocketed it in... in to the crossbar.
TL;DR? Paul über alles.
The Final
Spain vs. Dutchland
DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP KUNG FU FIGHTING WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE DIVE DIVE DIVE FLOP FLOP FLOP WHINE WHINE WHINE BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD YELLOW CARD RED CARD EXTRA TIME. TROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!
A close match went into extra-time after being tied 0:0 at the end of regulation and given that the Dutch seemed hellbent on proving Paul wrong by attempting to cripple every Spanish player to win, people began to have their doubts. Never bet against Paul, though. With a perfect record on the line, Paul the Psychic Octopus psychically took over Spain's Andrés Iniesta's brain and gave him the power to score the game winner as the clock ran out.
The Hollish subsequently abandoned their gameplan of kicking everything that moved (except the ball) and started crying to the ref Howard Webb (Trollface incarnate) that the Spaniard was offsides but the replay clearly showed that the goal was legit. Cry moar faggots. Holland did, however, win at collecting a record 9 yellow cards and a red after committing 28 fouls. Spain finished second with 5 yellows but since one of them was issued when Iniesta took his shirt off after scoring, it was only 4 legit ones.
Naturally, Paul was once again right. Spain 1, Dutchland 0. Eight for eight. 100% accuracy! Fuck you parakeet who thought Holland would win. Paul finished the World Cup 8 for 8, (a win for each tentacle) the chances of which is 1/256
The post-game festivities included Al Qaeda following through with their promise to blow up the World Cup by blowing up a crowd watching the match in Kampala, Uganda. The attack killed at least 64 including at least one American.
2015 FIFA corruption case
In 2015, the United States decided to step in and clean up the world's problems just as they had done with the highly successful War on Iraq. It was found that European commercialized sports are just as corrupt as American commercialized sports.
—Dick Weber, IRS Criminal Investigation division | ||
History's 10 greatest World Cup plays
(Before 2010)
- 1986 Diego Maradona’s hand of God goal: Argentina v England, quarter-finals
- 2009 Thierry Henry's handball - France v Ireland, qualifier
- 1982 Harald Schumacher's assault: West Germany v France semi-finals. The West Germany goalkeeper rushed out and smashed his forearm into Patrick Battiston’s mouth. The Frenchie was left sprawled out on the ground, unconscious.
- 2006 Zinédine Zidane’s head-butt: France v Italy final
- 1994 Andres Escobar’s own goal: USA v Colombia, group game. When he returned home Escobar was shot dead by someone who lost money on a bet because of the own goal.
- 2002 Rivaldo feigning injury: Brazil v Turkey, group game
- 1982 Arab team protests: France v Kuwait, group game - 1982. France scored a goal after the Kuwait players hesitated having mistaken a whistle from the crowd to be that of the referee. The birth of al-Qaida.
- 1994 Argentina v Greece, group game. Maradona high on crack and LSD
- 1982 Best result for both teams: West Germany v Austria, group game. Both Nazi teams knew before the match that if West Germany won by a goal it would see both sides go through to the next round at the expense of Algeria. Lo and behold after Horst Hrubesch scored an early goal to give West Germany the lead the sides tamely passed the ball around.
- 1966 Antonio Rattin’s tantrum: England v Argentina, quarter-final. The Argentina captain refused to leave the pitch when he was sent off for bad language.
Breaking Vidya Lulz As It Happens
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Gallery of Random
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/sp/anish Paul head games -
See also Michael Phelps -
China has the best plan
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40 Years of hurt and counting... -
Actually, we could care less.
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NOT THE BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
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Out of sheer exuberance, a customer in Spain ordered 11 kilos of cocaine in the shape of the World Cup trophy
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Award winning Spanish actor Pepe Torres
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The Official Seal of Team USA
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The only time in 4chan history that /sp/astics rooted for niggers
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Crying japs after Paraguay vs. Japan match -
Serbs celebrate the victory by making out
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Arab? In my stadium?
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LOL OWNED
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Are you fapping yet?
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Are you fap.... never mind.
See Also
Do Not See
External Links
- A computer game based on the world cup... For the VIC-20? If you don't have that sack of shit, then play it here
- FIFA's Official World Cup site
- FIFA's twitter
- All things world cup on twitter
- ESPN World Cup Failbook
- Facebook Official
- FIFA World Cup Drinking Game
- Soccer Jones Failbook
- World Cup Sex Fanfic This one even creeps Anon out.
- World Cup 2010 Tits Larissa Mabel Riquelme Frutos
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