Penis Pump Sex Scandal '06

This troll hookup couldn't have gone any worse, due to fatties.

jUmB0 has downs. He's shown here in MissLaVey's room.

MissLaVey's manhands are visible in this rare photograph.

MissLaVey discovers the joy of eating dubba friez

The only way to free your penis from AIDS, as per jUmB0

Bitches don't know bout my IRC peer pressure

In late 2006, the Penis Pump trolls decided to set forth with what would soon become an epic scientific experiment; a close encounter of the internets kind. Pump operators spent countless hours trying to hook up channel frequenters, until both Pump regulars and EFnet regulars jUmB0 and MissLaVey budged and agreed that a pleasant experience could be had by both if they were to meet IRL.

They met for their casual encounter soon after, with MissLaVey picking jUmB0 up in his hometown, and him spending the night at her place. The experience ended up being one of the lulziest moments for the pumpers in their group's history, and shows as a perfect example of why internets trolls should never meet IRL.

After the encounter, MissLaVey dropped jUmB0 off at his friend snoopy's house, where he got on IRC and spilled the beans about how rotten his experience was in explicit, grotesque detail. Much to her dismay, MissLaVey logged on later that night to find her already tainted name being trashed even more so than before by the pumpers. Months worth of drama soon followed.

Full chat log transcripts are available here.

Background

jUmB0 and MissLaVey were prime subjects for the experiment because their personalities clashed in every way possible. jUmB0 was an easygoing, cool, relaxed guy, while MissLaVey was known throughout the channel as a total slut, drama whore, morbidly obese crack addict. She always appeared dumber than shit to anyone with a brain, even though she talked and went on like she knew every fucking thing in the world. Most Penis Pump regulars knew the encounter was doomed from the beginning, but let it commence purely for the lulz.

jUmB0's side

This is a short summary of the events and lulz. Full chat logs of jUmB0's side are available here.

LaVey has manhands.
LaVey is incredibly fat, and orders double fries at Steak & Shake.
Her house is complete shit, and her room looks like it's out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
There's a big dent in her bed where she sleeps.
He's disgusted by her, but decides he better go through with it for the lulz.
She makes him eat her ass, and then when he's eating her cunt out, she lets loose a wicked queef.
She's so fat that he practically has to stick his whole face in her cunt just to perform.
He got head from her, and tried his hardest to think of anything but her to get off.
He poured Listerine on his dick to wash off the sorrow.
When he was trying to sleep, he felt like he was being pulled into a black hole due to her fatness.
He stole her pain pills and left.

MissLaVey's side

This is a short summary of the events and lulz. Full chat logs of MissLaVey's side are available here.

She got a regular order of fries, and jUmB0's fat ass ate half of them anyway.
She's disgusted by him, but decides she better go through with it for the lulz.
He kept making advances on her, and she kept shutting him down.
She didn't want to have sex with him but forced herself to, and he was very poor in bed.
She was upset about her dad being home the next morning because she didn't want him to think that she lowered her standards, showing what she really thought of jUmB0.
He lives in a terrible, rundown neighborhood.
He really enjoyed himself and wanted to meet up with her again, but she said no.
He's been making things up about her because of "IRC Peer Pressure," and is just upset because she turned him down for future encounters.

1/30/2007 Update (Military)

This is a short summary of the events and lulz. Full chat logs of the military update are available here.

She finally realizes that he stole her pills, and is pissed off about it.
MissLaVey contacted the military and was trying to get jUmB0 kicked out.
MissLaVey claims that jUmB0 is being worked extra hard at bootcamp because of her calls.
She shows that she is addicted to the pain pills she was taking.
She says he lied to get into the military, and it makes her mad because she's from a military family.
EFnet chatter clay thinks that the MissLaVey pictures are just jUmB0 with makeup on. Conspiracy?

3/28/2007 Update (An Epic Discovery)

This is a short summary of the events and lulz. Full chat logs of the epic discovery are available here.

It's rumored that MissLaVey has been missing for a few months due to going to rehab.
MissLaVey has been bribing people with nude photos for PayPal money, promising to people that better pictures or a camshow would follow.
MissLaVey reveals that she has an aussie boyfriend, and claims that pictures from the scandal were taken 4 years ago, when they were really taken approximately 4 months ago.

Lulziest Quotes

<jumb0> ok so first i notice she has man hands
<jumb0> and im a soldier so im still gonna do it
<jumb0> and i notice that her neck is as big around as my leg
<jumb0> but im still gonna do it
<jumb0> so we get by her house and she wants steak and shake so i buy like a gentleman
<jumb0> and she orders double fries
<jumb0> that was the second sign of doom
<jumb0> so we get to her house and i swear to god
<jumb0> i felt like i walked into a room outta the texas chainsaw massacre
<jumb0> theres a big dent in her bed where she sleeps

<jumb0> and she wants me to lick her ass whileim down there
<jumb0> im og so im sucking the devils onion ring
<jumb0> and then i start eating at the y
<jumb0> but shes kinda big so i gotta get my face in it
<jumb0> and its hard to breathe so my nose is in her cunt
<jumb0> and i guess i was blowing air in there cuz after a bit she flipped over and let outa wicked queef

<jumb0> then i go to piss and im feeling guilty so i poured listerine on my dick to wash off the sorrow
<jumb0> this was a bad idea btw
<jumb0> so i passed out later and in the morning this sorta repeated
<jumb0> and im gonna cry myself to sleep for ever now
* r3my picks jaw up off floor.
<r3my> what kind of bitch are you?
<jumb0> i did it for the lulz r3my
<jumb0> i did it for the lulz

<misslavey> [22:31] <jUmB0> sometimes my inner asshole comes out
<misslavey> [22:31] <jUmB0> i think it was because i was told i got aids from you
<misslavey> [22:31] <jUmB0> not that you said it
<misslavey> [22:31] <jUmB0> but someone else did
<misslavey> ..that fucking blew me away, that someone in #pp4l says that and his dumbass thinks "omg,really?"

<misslavey> so basically, he's an inexperieced, immature retarded looking fuck who makes shit up all because of irc
            'peer pressure' of all things

<MissLaVey> you do realize he stole shit from me, right?
<MissLaVey> he stole pills i NEED for pain management
<MissLaVey> and he also lied to get into the military
<f1re> dont be snitchin
<MissLaVey> dont be stealing