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Fable 2
—Peter MolynJEW, on what he does with the money you gave him for this shit | ||
Fable II is Peter Molyjeux's latest second most recent overhyped and underwhelming abortion of a video game. Players take control of a morbidly obese cookie-cutter hero who ventures through a rushed and under-developed world, surmounting the perils of unchallenging linear faggotry, nagging wives with +1 to herpes, and an endless barrage of smudgy pastel-colored bullshit and treasure rusty necklaces in his vaguely defined and generic quest for vengeance. As advertised, the player can "choose his fate," as long as that fate involves hair dyes, contracting STDs from gay prostitutes, and not killing children. Instead of learning from the first game they decided to expand upon the things which ruined it while at the same time making fun of them. Fable 2 was just the first game minus the coherent story and with more British humour and by "British Humour" it is meant that there is more man-on-man action.
Development
—Peter Molyjeux | ||
—Game Developers | ||
—Peter Molyjeux | ||
—Game Developers | ||
—Peter Molyjeux | ||
Cool Story Bro
You begin the game as either a little boy or girl, who lives as an orphan with their hawt loli sister. Then some blind bitch from the previous game tells you to buy an unexplained music box, which you do for no apparent reason, thereby establishing early on that lazy uninspired developers gave up early on trying to make a coherent Fable story line.
TL;DR
- Your sister gets pwned.
- U "FFFUUUUUUUU"
- You grow up, get fat and get gonorrhea.
- You get to meet a fat chick, a black person and a faggot.
- Then some filler to make the game drag on.
- There's a dog somewhere in there...
- Your dog gets pwnd and you epically defeat the villain. With a music box. THE END.
If you managed to play through the entire shitty game your final reward is to have your family abruptly killed off in a desperate attempt at adding drama amidst the last few hours of tedium. Unfortunately, even if you manage to resurrect your family, if you had a baby and not a toddler, your baby will not resurrect along with your family. Apparently, Lucien thinks super late-term abortions are AWW-RIGHTTT!
Characters
"The Hero" - You, who has decided to play this train wreck for some unfathomable reason. Starts with +10 to trade in value at GameStop.
"Theresa" - The hot sister of the hero of the last game who was left permanently blind after Lucien came in her eye.
"Lucien" - Builds The Spire which he plans to use to butt-rape the world by charging his musket. Or something.
"Rose" - The hero's dead hawt pedo-bait loli sister... Good for some necro-wincest. (double points!)
"Hammer" - Some fat-assed chick with thunder thighs.
"black person" - The only in-game nigger. He has +1 to stealing your bicycle, can't swim and is afraid of your dog. Despite this, he is an intelligent, well spoken black man. (remember, this is a Video Game.)
"Reaver" - A buttpirate with a fancy gun, a mouthful of cock and a colon full of astroglyde.
"Dog" - The hero's dog, the most well-developed character in the game. Finds vespene gas and shit for you to dig up and doesn't afraid of anything.
"Barnum" - TL:DR Takes pictures of children such as your hot loli sis. He thinks he has great business ideas (CP!) but he's a fucking big-nosed failure and always 404s. Misuses words in a half-hearted attempt by the designers at characterization, and ends up being pwnt by Reaver for being an even more annoying fag than he is.
"Rex" - Shown at the beginning of the game buttsecksing a stray dog with a sword, he makes your loli sis GB2Kitchen, gets into a fight with you, and then runs off to move with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.
Reaver Speaks
List of Character Builds in Fable 2
Choose your fate:
- Fatass. Go eat some celery, you morbidly obese cuntoid.
Gameplay
Fable II's gameplay is unique in that, where many games would have you simply mash one button, Fable II makes you mash three. The game's rather low difficulty increases if the player manages to travel back in time and play as a 4 year old.
Fable II also includes the ability to marry the game's NPCs and have children with them, thus allowing the player the ability to reproduce at a rate that would make even Mexicans blanch. Unfortunately for many people playing this game, this is about as close to getting pussy as they will get, since even hiring a prostitute would entail them turning off their Xbox long enough to leave their mother's basement in order to spend her Social Security money on a lady of the night.
Fable II also offers multiplayer capability, but who knows why anyone would be able to bear playing this game in the first place, let alone alongside one of the 13-year old boys who lurks on Xbox live.
Even if you did have the stomach to play it, good luck getting through the first quarter of the game, because the entire game is buggier than a Mexican whore's cooch. Thanks to only having about three testers for the whole game, who were no doubt coke-snorting, beer-chugging frat boys, pressing any button at any point could potentially corrupt your game or possibly cause your Xbox to kill itself. This apparently doesn't stop the many basement virgins from playing it.
It's also possible to kill your wife.
Gameplay method 2, Electric Boogaloo (Doin' It Wrong)
The player can pwn the exceedingly deep and well-thought-out Fable universe by buying some properties and leaving his console on overnight, thus generating enough gold (and red ring of death karma) to Jew, control the media and DO WTC. That's if you're a fucking retard or didn't play the game long enough to realize your Xbox can stay off and you will still earn the Jewgold anyways. Turns out Peter Molyjeux is as obsessed with moniez as the Jew themselves. Buy some properties and then go get a life or something for a day.
Sensing opportunity, Lionhead developers decided to make the best equipment in the game easily purchased at any store, thus negating the need to program cool or useful weapons into the game, while simultaneously alleviating player motivation to explore, complete quests and search for better gear.
Downloadable Content
Knothole Island Sensing that there were still more cheap gimmicks with which to try and mask Fable 2's complete lack of gameplay, Peter Molyjeux released an expansion in which the player must run around dicking with the weather while delving bland dungeons and completing Lionhead Studio's abysmal attempts at Zelda-esque puzzles.
See the Future Despite the name, this shit barely has anything to do with the future at all. Instead, all you do is buy two shitty items from that faggot who sold you the music box at the beginning of the game that transport you to different shitty areas. The first area is a black and white version of Oakvale (or Oakfield, fuck who gives a shit which one it is) where you some kill blue, red, and yellow people. The only difference between them and regular enemies is that you have to use melee attacks on the blue fags, guns on the yellow fags, and magic on the red fags. This is Peter's way of saying fuck you to anyone who decided to skip out on magic skills due to the fact that they're complete shit compared to ranged weapons. The second area consists of you running around some generic spooky forest looking for fursuits and yelling at statues to release some brave knight who HOLY SHIT turns out to be an evil necromancer!!! The only thing this piece of shit has to do with the future is that at the end you get to see what is essentially a trailer for Fable 3, which given the fact that you not only bought Fable 2 but its even shittier DLC (twice) would be a perfect game for a gullible dumbfuck such as yourself. Srsly, if you're stupid enough to download this, then just go kill yourself now.
Unreleased Orgy Mini-Game!!!
How do I fucks wife?
According to Google, the players of Fable II cannot even get laid in a video game. Such a lulzy tribute to nerdom and the inability to engage in relations even with imaginary people is perhaps the game's only redeeming quality.
—Gabriel Moon BAAAAAWING on the Gayble Jew forums of faggotry | ||
Google thinks otherwise Faggot GTFO and stop being a Pedo!!!!
Alignment
There are four primary alignments in Fable II.
- Good: Pretty basic stuff, you go around saving people, kissing the ass of people who don't deserve it, donate to the temple of light, or play lots and lots of music.
- Evil: Being evil is easy. I mean really easy. Getting evil points can include such menacing activities as stealing pies cooling over a window, jaywalking, leaving the toilet seat up, looking at people menacingly, or leaving a shitty waitress less then a ten percent tip.
Apparently because of copyright laws and crap, Fable couldn't just lift Chaotic and Lawful alignment from Dungeons & Dragons and save themselves a bunch of time, so instead they threw in "purity" and "corruption" for more "depth."
- Corruption: Corruption is some new shit The Fable designers thought was a good idea, and couldn't come up with a better word for it. Being corrupt is all about cheating on your spouse, eating pie and meat, oversleeping, drinking beer, hiring prostitutes or Jew.
- Pure: The opposite of corrupt, retaining pure points requires eating vegetables, keeping rent low, and overall being a hippie douchebag.
Weapons
Fable 2 is notable for its variety of assorted weapons (because who needs magic when you can have GUNS?!) Like any good RPG, the most time consuming and difficult to obtain unique weapons are fucking terrible compared to the plain weapons that can be bought at any store. For instance...
List of Enemies
Some enemies you'll find in this game are:
B&its: Angry basement-dwellers who were forced outside after being B& from 4chan. Their furfag leaders sport deerheads.
Assassins: Assassins are fucking annoying ninja AZNS, who flip around to avoid damage and try to Zerg-rush you. Kekekekekeke ^_^
Pirate Ghosts: Not to be confused with Ghost Pirates, these fucks cause chasms, use telekinesis, block like Jesus, and do all kinds of cool shit you could do if you were playing a better game.
Trolls: Continuing with the well-established theme of shit, these aptly named enemies successfully troll you with shoddy game mechanics and broken hit detection.
Banshee: As if one nagging wife wasn't enough, you are forced to use your domestic violence skills against yet another annoying woman who refuses to stay in the kitchen and starts shrilling about equal pay and sexual harassment in the workplace. She summons all her little aborted fetuses to flank your ass while she forces you to sit still and listen to her endless bitching as if her opinion actually matters.
Beatles: The only enemy that was a British rock band sensation from the 1960s, convinced your mom to drop acid.
black person: Lucien's brainwashing has unleashed an almost endless supply of his welfare niggers to lurk in the paycheck-advance/liquor stores and ambush you. Easily distracted by booty, fried chicken and shiny rims larger than 20".
Hollowmen: These are the returned souls of zombies that were killed by /k/omandos in the first zombie apocalypse. They're not at all plagiarized from the show Bleach, hurpdurp!
Werewolves: They have some technical name. But nobody fucking cares. They're furfags, and kill you with a yiff attack that can corner you and destroy you with an intense barrage of social isolation and bestiality fantasy.
Shadow: Shadows are copies of every other enemy in the game, only now they're SHADOWY. In a brilliant design decision, they appear exclusively in pitch-black dungeons where they can barely even be seen.
Critical Reception
Fable II has been largely received positively by critics, with some even assigning perfect scores to the game. Obviously, these reviewers have either never played a video game, had their children write a review while they were busy snorting coke off of an underage hooker's stomach, or received sexual favors from Peter Molyneux to encourage them to give the game a good rating.
—everyone | ||
—Your mother | ||
—Anon | ||
—You | ||
Fable II 2: Electric Boogaloo
Known as Fable III to morons who think its different from Fable II, Fable II 2 is Lionhead Studio's latest pile of crap. Its essentially Fable II only this time you get to be King! (For about 10 minutes until it just cuts off and throws you into the end-game fight.) This game is innovative in the capacity that its even more ridiculously easy to beat then Fable II. Seriously, an eight year kid with ADD could beat this game without dying once. Now, for those who do not want to play a Fable II clone, here's the story:
You play the spoiled rich (and white, lets not forget you're white) bastard (second) child of the dipshit you played as in Fable II. Your person seems be to be in their early twenties despite Fable III being 50 years after Fable II (bad genes due to age of the parent does explain a lot about the main character, though.) One day your brother, Logan (the current King), decides to troll your ass for shits-n-giggles so he makes you choose between killing some peasants or your childhood friend bitch. After you get butthurt over it, your brother sends you to your room like the insolent child you are. Then, John Cleese and some other old guy busts you out of your room and in short, you escape the castle and plot to troll your brother back. This part is not really interesting as you just promise a bunch of shit to a bunch of pussies who never thought to band together and get some shit done themselves instead of waiting for your wide-ass to come smashing through (not being fat is NOT an option.) After making some pinky swears, you gather your mighty army of about 10, and battle begins.
THE ALMIGHTY ASSAULT
This shitty anti-climactic mission involves killing four guards, meeting up with the people you spent hours ass-kissing in the randomly empty streets, waltzing into the huge fucking castle and telling your Brother to GTFO. That's it? all that time wasted, holding the A button to dance with fucking bisexual pie-makers, and you're king faster than it takes to return this game.
Yay. Now, you wonder, what is there to do as King/Queen? Well, some black, gooey shit is spreading across the world (British Petroleum claims they didn't do it) and you have to get ready by making tons of cash and fast! The best (and more lulzy) way to do this is to be an even bigger dick then your brother was by Jewing the citizens of Albion with many lulzy choices.
Ways to fuck with the citizens of Albion:
- Enslave the people of Aurora (Some desert continent. The people of this land are sandniggers so they're used to slavery)
- Drain Bower Lake so that you can strip mine it
- Turn the Bowerstone Shelter/Orphanage into a brothel
- Clear-cut the mountains for the lumber
- Make child labor an even bigger business
- Cut the Bowerstone Guard's budget to make crime even worse
- Institute fines for people having too many fucking kids
- Ban alcohol (suggested you do this or your subjects will be vomiting everywhere)
- And the biggest lulz of them all: Tell the hippies to fuck off and turn their swamp into the Bowerstone's sewage dump dump
After fucking with the people with high taxes and such, the final battle occurs. It happens quite suddenly with no warning to get your shit in line and you have no way of avoiding it. After running through the city, slicing up some shadows along the way (By this point you're so badass you cut up shadows instead of people) you find some weird-as-fuck alien thing that possesses the other old guy mentioned earlier (Not John Cleese.) Twenty minutes of button mashing later, dun-dadun! Nothing. You won. Yep, that's what it feels like to beat this game. Best 60 bucks ever wasted.
External Links
- Lionhead Studio's website.
Things Fable II players do when they get bored playing. Unsurprisingly, "stop playing and go outside" is not a popular one.GONElolBAWWLEETEDlol tranniesGONE
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Fable 2 is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |