Eclipse

Every so often a giant dragon will swoop down from the heavens above to eat the giant fiery hydrogen death ball of infinite cancer. If you follow the much cooler Norse Mythology version, Fenrir Wolf will eat the sun and quickly shit it out after getting his ass kicked by the Asgardian badass Tyr. Unfortunately, if you're a kowtowing rug jockey your religion won't allow you to go outside and watch this marvel of astronomy with your naked eyes, like you should. Most likely, your Mullah will put out an order and demand that everyone come to the mosque, dressed in their best suicide vest and pray from when the eclipse starts until the giant monster above becomes frightened by your prayers and spits the sun out of his mouth, failing to eat it. I wish I was joking.

If you missed out on this one because you were in jail, chained to a radiator, you couldn't get out of work, or your mom was afraid of giant moon rabbits invading Earth, there will be another one on 8 April 2024.

Why This Eclipse Is So Important

The end is near. If you have a gun shoot into the sky at a 45-degree angle to protect yourself

If you're a Muslim and were to look outside your mosque, this is what you'd see. Don't believe us? Observe the eclipse for 5 or 6 minutes with your unprotected eyes and you'll see we were not lying

This is the first eclipse to occur over the Continental United States in 99 years. What this means is that scientists won't have to go tramping off to some shithole third world country full of terrorists and fail to risk getting their head chopped off by some crazed sand eater for "just because" reasons. Otherwise, as over 75% of the world is covered in water, most solar eclipses happen over water making them hard to observe, because astronomers either have to be on a ship that will be in that location or be on a plane following it in order to record and collect data.

The unfortunate consequence is that every fuckwit in the world will be broadcasting these events telling us about aliens and Xenu.

What Exactly Is An Eclipse

What those dirty non-believers want you to believe

Really? If you're one of those Giant Terrestrial Land Hydra - Flying Spaghetti Monster twits that can't believe the truth when we tell you that a Giant Scandanavian Wolf, born when an angry dwarf fucked a horse, is eating the sun then we'll amuse you with the lie. An eclipse is when an astronomical body is temporarily obscured by a second body as it passes between the primary body and the viewer in what is known as syzygy or a straight-line configuration of three celestial bodies in a gravitational system. After such a nice triple point, scrabble word like syzygy, most of you will stick with the easier example that a giant wolf is eating the sun.

Eclipse Safety

No matter what you heard, this will never happen

When the sun is covered, the door will be opened to the netherworld and demons will have domain over Earth again. You will only be able to protect yourself with a sword

First and foremost, despite what you've heard, staring at a solar eclipse at the moment it achieves totality is perfectly safe because it's only the moon you are looking at. If there was any danger of looking at the moon don't you think there'd be warnings about doing it at night? You can look all you want at the moon at night with nothing happening to your eyes so how can it be any more dangerous during a total eclipse? In fact, you can even view the moon through a light amplifying tool like a telescope with no ill effects – so how can an eclipse be bad?

All this talk about infrared and ultraviolet radiation is nothing but lies; have you ever heard of anyone getting a sunburn at night? If for some reason your mom is bitching you out about blue shift, radiation, and other made up crap that doesn't exist, all you need is a good pair of Raybans and you'll be perfectly safe because they advertise themselves as being able to filter out 100% of all these made-up things.

Besides, the reason why no one wants you to look at the moon unprotected during an eclipse is because you'll be able to see the rabbits living on its surface mining marshmallow topping. So go ahead, stare away.

The ED Eclipse Mythos

• The reason the Diamond Ring event happens during an eclipse is because Chris Chan is trying to win over another girl that he has fallen in love with by offering her jewelry.
• It has been written that Schnitzel and The Pondcat will bring about the end of the world when they roll the sun up in a fat-one and smoke it. This is why there is always a ring of fire associated with an eclipse.
• Some have said an eclipse happens because Girlvinyl's fatass is getting in the way of the sun. Make sure you scream, "Move your fatass out of the way Girlvinyl" at the sky to make the eclipse go away.
• Some have said that BakaRed went on a bender and is pissing on the sun making it go out.
• The Liberals were right and Our Great God Emperor Hero set up his Sun blocking machine!
• Trolls showed up at Null's mother's house again so he turned out the Sun and is hiding under the bed.
• Terrorists are blowing up the Sun.
• It's Goatse!
• God is rolling his eyes at all the little T.I.T.S faggots.
• It's a Darwin Test designed by God himself to weed out the dumbass, dirty potheads and the Short Bus Squad by getting them to stare at the sun and melt their eyes right out of their heads.
• After a 3-hour mathematics lecture by Carl Sagan on the Ouija Board, it's a predictable astronomical event where the moon blocks the sun and casts a shadow on the Earth. Seriously? Who would ever believe this line of Bullshit?

	“	So you're betting $1 that says that Doopie DoOver will be dumb enough to burn out his phone's camerea trying to record the eclipse. I'll take it.	„
	—Schnitzel accepting a bet

Eclipse Times and Map 2017 USA

• Location______ Partial Eclipse Begins_ Sun Completely Obscured

• Salem, OR______09:05 am PDT_______10:18 am PDT
• Idaho Falls, ID______ 10:15 am MDT_______ 11:33 am MDT
• Casper, WY______ 10:22 am MDT_______ 11:43 am MDT
• Lincoln, NE______ 11:37 am CDT_______ 1:03 pm CDT
• Sabetha, KS______ 11:38 am CDT_______ 1:05 pm CDT
• Jefferson City, MO______ 11:46 am CDT_______ 1:14 pm CDT
• Carbondale, IL______ 11:52 am CDT_______ 1:21 pm CDT
• Hopkinsville, KY______ 11:56 am CDT_______ 1:25 pm CDT
• Nashville, TN______ 11:58 am CDT_______ 1:28 pm CDT
• Talulah Falls, GA______ 1:07 pm EDT_______ 2:37 pm EDT
• Columbia, SC______ 1:13 pm EDT_______ 2:43 pm EDT
• Charleston, SC______ 1:16 pm EDT_______ 2:47 pm EDT

Eclipse Maps 2024 USA

Texas Oklahoma Arkansas Missouri Illinois Kentucky Indiana Ohio Pennsylvania New York Vermont New Hampshire Maine USA

Gallery of Awesome

Looks like Null's getting trolled again Please. I promise I'll be good. Someone tell Al Gore to quit it with the math. Schnitzel and The Pondcat burning a fat one. The simplest example of what happens during an eclipse. Just in case you needed proof about retards, electronic media and eclipses As seen from a welding lens and a camera phone. As seen from SPAAAAACE!

Disclaimer

The writer of this article is a mean spirited Jew and is pissed off for one reason or another, most likely because someone tried to steal his Jew Gold or because he met his girlfriend's mother and peered exactly 25 years into the future. You should not take any of his advice about looking into the sun at any time. If you are dumb enough to look into an eclipse, you deserve to have your eyes melted out of your head and have an article written about you where everyone can point and laugh at your stupidity.

See Also

God Bless America

• Berserk
• Carl Sagan
• Einstein
• Science
• Physics
• Facts
• Evolution
• Schnitzel and the Pondcat
• Al Gore
• The Big Bang Theory
• Bill Nye
• Religion
• Pain (Physical) This is your body saying "OMG! THEY WERE RIGHT. MY EYES ARE MELTING OUT OF MY HEAD!"
• The Moon obviously
• Gurren Lagann I like the evil moon.
• Sailor Moon Seriously, how could I not?

Eclipse is part of a series on SCIENCE! [FizzlePop]

Great Minds Alan Turing • Albert Einstein • Aristotle • Bill Nye • Charles Darwin • L. Ron Hubbard • Nikola Tesla • Richard Dawkins • Sir Isaac Newton • Socrates • Stephen Hawking Theories Balloon Boy • Theoretical physics • God • Existence • Evolution • Global Warming • Look Around You • Memes • Computer Science III • Large Hadron Collider • Apophis • How is babby formed? • The Comprehensive Theory of Lulz • Schrödinger's cat • Schrödinger's Cunt • Zero Division Proven by Science Alternative Medicine • Chemistry • Cubic Time • Earth • George Bush doesn't care about black people • Giant Thumbs • God hates fags • Gravity • HAARP • Intelligent Design • JEWS DID WTC • Motor Oil • No girls on the internet • Ouija Board • Duct Tape • Pluto • Raelism • The Moon • Scientology • Tree Hugging • Trepanation • Uranus Science in Action! 2024 Eclipse • Archaeology • Butyric Acid • Creationism • Diabeetus • Drugs • Electricity • Fire • Heart • Lawnmower • Lead • Lens flare • Magnetostatics • Marijuana Addiction • NASA • Nanotechnology • Nuclear War • Pain (Physical) • Sex • Tay • Thiopental Sodium • Uranium • WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?

Eclipse is part of a series on Truth Visit the Truth Portal for complete coverage.

The Sun

Mercury

Venus

Earth

The Moon

Mars

Jupiter

Saturn

Uranus

Neptune

Pluto

Space

Nibiru

Featured article August 20 & 21, 2017
Preceded by The Daily Stormer	Eclipse	Succeeded by Joss Whedon