Kari Ferrel

This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example,
HOLY SHIT LOL Bitch got V&!!!!!1

Kari Ferrel is a lot of things. She is a hipster. She is a gook. She is a criminal, Jew, she wants you to throw your hot dog down her hallway and she ~~is wanted~~ has been BUSTED for over $60,000 in bad checks in Salt Lake City, Utah. She has a sick chest tattoo of a phoenix or some nonsense and her hipster hip is adorned with an adorable "I <3 Beards" tattoo.

Kari Ferrel is the Hipster Grifter, and she proved once and for all that hipsters are not only awful but also incredibly easy marks to steal from, lie to and swindle with little or no consequences (except the New York Observer getting a hold of your story and an extradition order from the Salt Lake City police department, but hey, nobody has kicked the shit out of her yet!).

After fleeing arrest warrants in Utah for over $60,000 in bad checks, lolsuits and stolen merchandise, her main scam, once she landed in New York City, was getting men to fuck her so they would lend her money.

While not an uncommon tactic used by women, Kari brought it to a whole new level, as this was her sole source of income for years. Her choice of targets made it legendary, as hipsters rarely consider themselves easy victims, just good people.

To seal the deal and in order to keep people from asking questions, she also told everyone she met that she had severe lung cancer and was likely to die within months. You can't question, suspect or reject someone with cancer! Kari's trail of destruction has become legend in New York, on the Internets and beyond.

NEW YORK SHITTY BABY

Williamsburg, Brooklyn, possibly the hipster capital of the nation, was a gift from God in the eyes of Kari Ferrel. Hundreds (possibly THOUSANDS) of young, horny, listless, Jew men all waiting for her Rubenesque, thoroughly tattooed ass to land and cause a little damage.

PARTIES WERE HAD. SEX WAS SUGGESTED. DRINKS WERE ALWAYS ON YOU.

	“	I want to give you a handjob with my mouth	„
	—Korean Abdul-Jabbar

And, like, for some reason her debit card would only be good for taking out cash at, like, this one bodega by my apartment in Bushwick and, like, could I bum a few bucks from you? I'm, like, totally good for it!

Suckers

Casey Hansen

Kari Ferrel was your regular 16-year-old MySpace whore camping out in Salt Lake City trying to figure out how to get as much attention as possible without actually doing anything of merit. So she found a boyfriend, Casey Hansen, who was in a band (not really relevant; what's more important is that he had an active checking account). Then she proceeded to have him help her cash over $60,000 in bad checks using the promise of tickets to various music festivals through her job with the Coachella people.

Before that business got messy (i.e. the bank realizing that the checks were written from a fictitious bank account), bitch got outta dodge.

Bobby

Main victim of the never working ATM card and New Jersey resident who was so charmed with Ferrel that he traveled to HER to get robbed on a weekly basis. On their first meeting, they fucked and she stole his cell phone. After the news spread that Kari was a criminal and broke, she sent many emails to people. Signed:

“	Apologies for brevity and any blunders in spelling; this was sent from a fucking iPhone.	„
—Kari's iPhone

It's suspected that it's Bobby's fucking iPhone.

Kari also dropped the news to Bobby that:

She might be pregnant, and that according to the EPT tests it was a 50% chance.
She has terminal lung cancer.
She didn't want to die.
She had a psychotic ex-boyfriend who was a criminal mastermind and could OMGHAX into any cellphone.

Bobby's thoughts on the situation:

	“	Basically, the consensus was to stick around because you like this girl, but don’t get too attached, because she’s going to be dead in three months	„
	—Bobbo

Bobby followed this girl around while she coughed up blood, talked about committing suicide, and eventually he looked her up on Google and found her wanted poster. He stopped answering her calls, and Kari moved on to her next mark.

VICE Magazine

Kari needed some more fuel to impress the hipster fire with, so she interviewed at VICE magazine, using her fellatious credentials at GoldenVoice (the people who run the Coachella festival). Shane's stupid fucknuts-of-Williamsburg inevitably took her bait hook, line and sinker, and she even managed to use her job there to score music tickets, clothes and dinner reservations. This girl knew her game. She also used her affiliation with VICE to tell potential victims about the coffee table book she was producing with the magazine featuring photos with her and bearded men posing beside her tattoo. This was some fat, delicious bait and everyone took it.

Dude Who Got Her Noods

One of the guys she scammed (probably out of cash and electronics) had a head on his dandruff-laced shoulders and shot some nudes that he sold to some blog for a year's supply of beer money.

Check 'em out.

Kari on the Internets

Kari the MySpace Whore

Big surprise? NO. The bigger surprise is that Kari is quite possibly

a) A furry

b) A fan of ED

c) Both OMG!!

She had a MySpace, but after the story broke about her being the Mormons' most wanted, she proceeded to Delete Fucking Everything but there is a cache so don't worry guise. Her MySpace even featured a classic and well loved piece of art linked directly from ED, so we <3 you too, Kari, we <3 you too.

This development might shed some light on how badly the Hipster culture perpetuates furry activities. Investigation is encouraged.

Craigslist

Kari Ferrel is a natural internet drama generator. This was her response to a Craigslist personals ad posted in early April, 2009 looking for a tall redhead. God bless gmail archives:

Hello,
I haphazardly stumbled upon your ad on Craigslist, and decided to charm you—with my undeniable wit and good looks (see: roofies)—into disregarding the fact that I am not red-headed or tall. Now, I realize what troubles that could conjure up, so I have compiled a list as to why you should overlook my lack of UK genes.
1.) I can solve complex math equations, harpoon a whale, reference obscure movies/books/songs/bible passages/pornos/wrestlers/
Christmas specials, and shoot a potato gun all while simultaneously singing the theme songs from nationally syndicated television programs of the late 70's and early 80's. If that doesn't convince you to take me, I don't know what will, but just in case I'll continue...
2.) I commonly say things like, "I want to give you a hand job with my mouth."
3.) I graduated with my degree in Music Theory, Composition, and Production—and minored in Physics. I don't know what I'm trying to tell you, besides that I like useless degrees. Impressed?
4.) I appreciate all genres of music. I know everyone says that, and sure, maybe some of them even mean it—but I DOUBLE MEAN IT (???). Examples: Bonnie 'P' Billy, Mono, Owen, The Books, Curtis Mayfield, The Gap Band, The Zombies, Glenn Miller Band, Russian Circles, Kashiwa Daisuke, The Magnetic Fields, Sunn O))), Botch, Benny Goodman, Murs, Boris, The Hood Internet, Phosphorescent, Muddy Waters, Akron/Family, Refused, Schubert, and on and on and on.
5.) I moved here about eight months ago, and though I have several friends and blah blah blah, I haven't met anyone that spurs any sort of excitement in me/can give me the deep-dickin' I deserve.
6.) I have an "I Heart Beards" tattoo that I would allow you to draw an eye patch on; subsequently becoming an "I Heart Pirates" tattoo.
7.) I have boobs.
Okay, there you have it. The rest is up to you, my friend.
Love,
Kari

Veggie Room Mates

Back in Utah, Kari was looking for a place to stay, but only with other Vegans or vegetables. About Kari:

My name is Kari and I am vegan. I am very strict about what products I have in my house. (Meaning, I use vegan body soap, shampoo, dishwashing liquid, environmentally friendly papertowels, toilet paper, etc.) I get along with everyone, but must require that everyone gets along with my Staffordshire Bull Terrier; Botch, and my kitten; Owen. I am straight edge, so no smoking, drinking, or drugs is preferable.

Who Kari wants to live with:

Anyone that has respect for people and animals of any denomination. Intelligent people who can have a good conversation are a must. No drinking, smoking, or drugs.

What she wants from you:

I live in a two bedroom apartment that is part of a 4-plex. I have one room available that has a phone and internet hookup. I currently have high-speed internet and cable. There is a small backyard, but seeing as I take my dog to the park three to four times a week, roommates are welcome to join. My boyfriend has his own house, but pretty much lives at my house. He is vegan as well, and doesn't smoke, drink, etc. I have a fully furnished house, and am into interior decorating.

Troll's Remorse

Kari is sorry; since the story broke that she's been stealing from her familiar penises, she's been sending this email around to anyone who might have been affected:

Yes, I made mistakes and yes, I hurt people who cared for me (and vice versa). However, I have made amends with most of those individuals, and have attempted to rectify my poor decisions by paying them back. I know that it is neither here nor there, but what the article didn't mention is that I haven't done anything of that nature for years. I understand that that, in no way, justifies what I did...but I definitely recognize that what I did was really REALLY shitty, and like to think that I have learned from my mistakes.
Anyway, I didn't mean to barrage you with my...whatever the fuck those preceding paragraphs are...my sincere apologies."
 Apologies for brevity and any blunders in spelling; this was sent from a fucking iPhone.

BUSTED

On May 3, 2009, Philadelphia cops arrested Kari on the outstanding Utah warrants after someone tipped them off. The State of Utah, cleverly thinking ahead, prepared an extradition warrant with her name on it ready in time to serve with her breakfast cheesesteak. At present, Kari's hearing, sentencing and subsequent forced encounter with a broom handle are pending.

Law & Order Episode

Popular paid trolls (and common lifters of macro images from our collections) Gawker have posted a rumor that producers of the popular television program, best known for their "storylines plucked right from the headlines", have put out a casting call for an Asian female aged 25-29 to play the infamous Ferrel. (archive)