Eclipse

Loki's Furfag son Fenrir gets ready to eat the sun

On 21 August 2017 a giant Dragon will swoop down from the heavens above to eat the sun. If you follow the much cooler Norse Mythology version, Fenrir Wolf will eat the sun and quickly shit it out after getting his ass kicked by the Asgardian badass Tyr. Unfortunately, if you're a kowtowing rug jockey your religion won't allow you to go outside and watch this marvel of astronomy with your naked eyes, like you should. Most likely, your Mullah will put out an order and demand that everyone come to the mosque, dressed in their best suicide vest and pray from when the eclipse starts until the giant monster above becomes frightened by your prayers and spits the sun out of his mouth, failing to eat it. I wish I was joking.

Why This Eclipse Is So Important

The end is near. If you have a gun shoot into the sky at a 45 degree angle to protect yourself

File:1eclipse333.jpg

If you're a muslim and were to look outside your mosque, this is what you'd see. Don't believe us? Observe the eclipse for 5 or 6 minutes with your unprotected eyes and you'll see we were not lying.

File:1eclipse888.jpg

The moon is an evil souless monster that wants to eat your soul 21 August 2017. Your only protection is to stare at the eclipse.

This is the first eclipse to occur over the Continental United States in 99 years. What this means is that Scientists won't have to go traping off to some shit hole third world country full of terrorists and fail to risk getting their head chopped off by some crazed ass sand eater for Just Because reasons. Also, as 75% of the world is covered in water, obviously, most solar eclipses happen over water making them hard to observe because astronomers either have to be on a ship that will be in that location or be on a plane following it.
Having this eclipse happen over the entire Continental United States is a godsend in itself, for the obvious reason that is is happening in a civilized part of the world and scientists dont have to go to some lifeless desert that the towel heads and camel fuckers are fighting over this week but because it is happening over The U. S. Fucking A. and being full of college towns community and respected, there will be a large number of Astromers recording and collecting data on this eclipse. Except for the slight chance of a Deliverance style surprise anal sexing in the hills of Georgia, most scientists will be rather safe.
The unfortunate consequence is that every fuckwit in the civilized, free world will be podcasting this event and telling us about Aliens and Xenu.

What Exactly Is An Eclipse

What those dirty non-believers want you to believe

taken with a welding lens and a camera phone 21, August 2017

Really? If you're one of those Giant Terrestrial Land Hydra - Flying Spaghetti Monster twits that can't believe the truth when we tell you that a Giant Scandanavian Wolf, that was born when an angry dwarf fucked a horse, is eating the sun then we'll amuse you with the lie.
An eclipse is when an astronomical body is temprarily obscured by a second body as it passes between the primary body and the viewer in what is known as syzygy or a straight-line configuration of three celestial bodies in a gravitational system.
After such a nice triple point, scrabble word like syzygy, most of you will stick with the easier example that a giant wolf is eating the sun.

Eclipse Safety

No matter what you've heard, this will never happen

When the sun is covered the door will be opened to the netherworld and demons will have domain over Earth again. You will only be able to protect yourself with a sword

First and foremost, despite what you've heard, staring at a solar eclipse at the moment it achieves totality is perfectly safe because it's only the moon you are looking at. If there was any danger of looking at the moon don't you think there'd be warnings about doing it at night? You can look all you want at the moon at night with nothing happening to your eyes so how can it be any more dangerous during a total eclipse? In fact, you can even view the moon through a light amplifying tool like a telescope with no ill effects, so how can an eclipse be bad?
All this talk about infrared and U.V. Radiation is nothing but lies because have you ever heard of anyone getting a sunburn at night? It has never happened.
If for some reason your mom is bitching you out about blue shift, radiation and other made up things that don't exist, all you need is a good pair of Raybans and you'll be perfectly safe because they advertise themselves as being able to filter out 100% of all these made up things.
The reason why no one wants you to look at the moon unprotected during an eclipse is because you'll be able to see the rabbits living on it's surface mining marshmallow topping. So go ahead, stare away.

The ED Mythos Regarding Eclipses

Schnitzel and The Pondcat burning a fat one.

The simplest example of what happens during an eclipse.

Please. I promise I'll be good. Someone tell Al Gore to quit it with the math.

File:The black sun.png

Just in case you needed proof about retards, electronic media and eclipses

The reason the Diamond Ring event happens during an eclipse is because Chris Chan is trying to win over another girl that he has fallen in love with by offering her jewelry.

It has been written that Schnitzel and The Pondcat will bring about the end of the world when they roll the sun up in a fat-one and smoke it. This is why there is always a ring of fire associated with an eclipse.

Some have said an eclipse happens because Girlvinyl's fat ass is getting in the way of the sun. Make sure you scream, "Move your fat ass out of the way Girlvinyl" at the sky to make the eclipse go away.

Some have said that BakaRed went on a bender and is pissing on the sun making it go out.

The Liberals were right and Our Great God Emperor Hero set up his Sun blocking machine

Trolls showed up at Null's Mother's house again so he turned out the Sun and is hiding under the bed.

Terrorists are blowing up the sun.

It's Goatse

G-D is rolling his eyes at all the little T.I.T.S faggots.

It's a Darwin Test designed by G-D himself to weed out the dumbass, dirty potheads like Doopie DoOver and the Short Bus Squad at Kiwi Farms by getting them to stare at the sun and melt their eyes right out of their heads.

After a 3 hour mathmatics lecture by ED philosopher/intellectual sysop Al Gore, it's a predictable astronomical event where the moon blocks the sun and casts a shadow on the Earth. Seriously? Who would ever believe this line of Bullshit?

	“	So you're betting $1 that says that Doopie DoOver will be dumb enough to burn out his phone's camerea trying to record the eclipse. I'll take it.	„
	—Schnitzel accepting a bet

Eclipse Times And Map

File:1eclipse111.jpg

Location______ Partial Eclipse Begins_ Sun Completely Obscured

Salem, OR______09:05 am PDT_______10:18 am PDT
Idaho Falls, ID______ 10:15 am MDT_______ 11:33 am MDT
Casper, WY______ 10:22 am MDT_______ 11:43 am MDT
Lincoln, NE______ 11:37 am CDT_______ 1:03 pm CDT
Sabetha, KS______ 11:38 am CDT_______ 1:05 pm CDT
Jefferson City, MO______ 11:46 am CDT_______ 1:14 pm CDT
Carbondale, IL______ 11:52 am CDT_______ 1:21 pm CDT
Hopkinsville, KY______ 11:56 am CDT_______ 1:25 pm CDT
Nashville, TN______ 11:58 am CDT_______ 1:28 pm CDT
Talulah Falls, GA______ 1:07 pm EDT_______ 2:37 pm EDT
Columbia, SC______ 1:13 pm EDT_______ 2:43 pm EDT
Charleston, SC______ 1:16 pm EDT_______ 2:47 pm EDT

Disclaimer

The writer of this article is a mean spirited Jew and is pissed off for one reason or another, most likely because someone tried to steal his Jew Gold or because he met his girlfriend's mother and peered exactly 25 years into the future. You should not take any of his advice about looking into the sun at any time. If you are dumb enough to look into an eclipse, you deserve to have your eyes melted out of your head and have an article written about you where everyone can point and laugh at your stupidity.

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