Colorado

Colorado, founded last Thursday by John Elway, is a large rectagular state, bordered on all sides by other large rectangular states with similar boring features. These include Wyoming, which is what Colorado would be with no people, more buffalo, and even less fun. There is also Utah, which is infested with Mormons, and is what Colorado would look like with anorexia, a large square tumor, and no niggers. There's also Kansas. Colorado is essentially the only worthwhile state worth half a shit west of the Mississippi and east of California and the Pacific Northwest, if only by default. However it is worth mentioning that in Colorado, you can openly carry your guns almost anywhere (except schools and government buildings) and it has the "Make my Day" law. Make my Day basically says you can legally kill anyone who comes on your property with the intent to harm or rob you without the threat of prosecution. However, the family of the beaner you just killed will most likely do a drive by or 8 just for spite.

If you come to Colorado, Ted Haggard will try to give you AIDS. Yell, "No, I don't like that" and find an adult.

File:TedHaggardRetarded.jpg

I HAS FOR FEENJIRS

Dylan Klebold, former resident of Colorado, sadly no longer holds the high score.

Most widely known to outsiders for South Park, home of the nigger Kobe Bryant, the lulz of Columbine, and JonBenet Ramsey, Colorado is a large barren state where it is winter most of the year and do little precipitation falls the ski resorts often have to make their own snow.

Demographics

Colorado is home to a wide variety of people. Whites, azns, niggers, and whites who think they're niggers. Oh, and the Mexicans, lots of mexicans. These Beans seem to be the only people employed in this economic shithole becasuse white people don't participate in mexi-labor, Amirite? Colorado also has the least amount of obese people in the country, even less than the UK because the color's sell the poor white coloradans drugs they brought from they're shity countries.

The most recent inhabitants flocked from California. They came in such large amounts only a handful of Native Americans White People are left to fend off the new disgusting plague, (Beaners.) After this great migration happened, Colorado became violently ill with with Cancer, and by cancer i mean the new hoard of bayners. luckily a group of people are taking action to thwart off the new infestation of half-breeds. Basically Colorado needs less colored and moar KKK.

Denver

The capital city Denver is one mile high. This means the air is thinner and your brain gets vury little 0₂. But wait theres more! Due to this great advantage you will get drunk for less beer and more high for less pots!

Denver suburbs to avoid because There are no black people on the Internet are scary!

• Aurora (Saudi Aurora)
• Arvada (Farvada)
• Denver (Police barracks)
• Commerce City (Black City)
• Englewood (Little Havanna)

Denver Skools

Denver has almost, three colleges that nobody has heard of. Denver University, which is a private school that requires lots of money that YOU don't have. these college students say things like, "Psshhht, fuck you guys. I don't need a scholarship, my PARENTS are paying for everything because we have SOO MUCH MONEY!" You know, the kinds of kids that deserve to have their eyes gouged out with rusty knives, their nads strung up with razor wire, their bodies lowered into vats of nuclear waste, then run over by cement mixers and then have their remains thrown into a tub of fermenting poop, If this happens their parents won't be able to hold an open casket ceremony for a child they should have aborted.

The other two are Metro State and Colorado University, which is a good place to scout gay dudes and hipster bro's.

Denver Police squad

DPF

these Cops hate you, make their day

DPF

Denver PD showing these hippies who's boss

DPF

Denver Pd don't take knidly to your There are no black people on the Internet

Denver is also the home of the white-supremest, nigger hating police force, the Denver PD! No matter what, if you are confronted by the Denver fags in blue you WILL get a very sastisfactory beating to the face. It's really not as bad as you think, if your bastard parents made you a woman the Denver PD will more than likely let you die. srsly

See what the DPD does best

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Colfax Avenue

One of the most nigger/mentally insane/prostitute/crime infested areas in Colorado, if not america. Ask any resident in the state about Colfax and they will tell you this is the place to be. beaner construction worker have worked on this area over 9000 times with little success to improve the area. If you are to travel this hell hole dont waste your time here.
Things to do in east colfax

• Be homeless
• yell, "NIGGERS!" at niggers
• Buy hooker
• Kill hooker
• Go to a bar/stripclub
• Shop around the many liquor stores
• Be mentally ill
• go (pawn) shopping
• Buy tasty burritos
• Throw up tasty burritos

Things to do on west colfax

• Re-develope the fuck out of west colfax
• complain about east colfax

Boulder

Boulder is known for its traffic, hippies, goddamn bike riders, self-righteous college students, freeloading bums calling themselves "travelers" and upstanding residents (whom have been known to rape and murder their prepubescent beauty queen daughters). Boulder is also home to the ultra rare "liberal douche" redneck. These "intellectuals" have read a Newsweek and/or heard a Bob Dylan song at some point in their life. These accomplishments set them above most Coloratards, and they enjoy flaunting their superior intelligence. When not wearing flannel vests and hiking boots while drinking micro brew, these supermen are protesting the hiring of additional police to catch a child killer because of the extra penny in taxes it would cost each resident.

Boulder is home to Colorado University, which every other Coloradan who doesn't attend this shithole collectively hates. This college is a breeding ground for dirty hippies, footballing rapists, psychopathic murderers, alcoholic sorority sluts, preachy and pretentious professors and just all-around fucktardedness. Not a day goes by that this university isn't receiving media attention for alcohol poisoning-related deaths, murder, sex-for-grades scandals, swine flu outbreaks, and professors just generally being assholes while going to extreme lengths to get tenure. Their football team, the Buffaloes, are the worst aspect of this town. And that's really saying something. They are regularly, violently assraped by the CSU Rams. This University is the epitome of shit. If it didn't have so many azn engineering students, it would fit more appropriately in the slums of Detroit as opposed to the hippie-spawning city of Boulder.

Boulder is also the home of an amazingly hairy coked-up alien and his hot retard girlfriend.

In Boulder, every resident has declared himself to be "more special-er than thou" due to their adherence to the Gospel of Wealth. Inherited wealth, that is. Since when did a hippie make his own money?

At least 100 percent of a Boulderite's body is entirely covered in hair Barack Obama's semen. Unfortunately, the microscopic boulderite penis size does not allow a Boulderite to procreate successfully, which explains the abnormal rates of adoption from Taiwan, Singapore, or any other Asian country that gives away children. A Boulder resident is most likely a self-righteous fucktard whose penis swells every time he hears "9/11 was a lie!". Jello Biafra, being a self-proclaimed anarchist, is originally from Boulder, then moved to California, thus making him a Super-Saiyan IV leftard. Oh, and a sellout.

Boulder is an independent city of unbridled, mindless liberalism in a sea of Colorado's idiotic, bible-raping conservatism. Education is very limited because nobody in Boulder can listen to a viewpoint that is not first marinated in unwarranted self-importance. Because Boulderite parents are too busy rock-climbing, bear "wrestling", or having massive hippy orgies to give their kids good examples, Boulder gave birth to the parenting theory that if you whisper to the kids in their ears to behave, they will understand and do what you say. Also, the theory focuses on giving the kids exactly what they want so that they won't throw a shit fit. This is why in 2007, a boy was able to stockpile several AK-47s in his bedroom.

Most children in the area are home-schooled. A typical school day consists of masturbation, kumbaya circles, self-flagellation (if white), and an hour or so of pissing on those with less money than them (again, if white). There are also award ceremonies where children are presented with "special" prizes for competing in such strenuous events as "showing up", or "still breathing when everybody else crossed the finish line."

Boulder is built on a Quartz crystal deposit, leaving everyone there batshit insane. Boulder is known a "spiritual" hot-bed for self-congratulatory nut-jobs who all say they love everyone but proceed to swear and threaten the guy who takes too long to order at the nearest Hippie Starbucks. Note: On Boulder's famous Pearl Street pedestrian Mall, there are four Starbucks. In an area comprising less than 300 yards. But yeah, corporations suck, don't they?

The rest of the 48 continental United States found out about boulder from the musical act 3OH!3 which are two wiggers who like to rap about whores and drinking. Before then nobody had even heard of Boulder. After that, plenty of people had heard about Boulder, but they still continued to not care.

Longmont

Also known as "Bongmont." Longmont is the southern most city in a region of Colorado called "Vanilla Valley." It is here that the demographics change quite a bit. Although a majority of people here are white, there is a significant population of beaners. About .25% of the population here is of nigra descent. It is worth mentioning that Longmont has two well known microbreweries, and a shit load of not so well known microbreweries. While medical marijuana is used here in excess, most of the users of said drugs also lace it with meth for an enhanced buzz, or they sell their shit out of their places of living (be it a cardboard box next to the dumpster at King Soopers or in a normal home). It is said that Longmont is the meth capital of the state, and maybe even the fucking world!

While there is a large senior citizen population here, their days consist of playing bingo and then going across the street and sitting at the local McDonalds for hours on end. And then they go home. And someday, they'll die, only to be buried at the Mountain View cemetery which is less than a mile down the street from the retirement home! Welcome to one of the most depressing places in Colorado evar.

Fort Collins

LOL GO RAMS. Seriously wth, that thing is fucking creepy

Fort Collins is known for it's old people, extremely unpleasant weather, date raping frat boys and over 9000 beer breweries. It is also home to Colorado State University, a school for hippies and fat pre-vet students who want to pet pretty ponies. I'm sorry, I think you were referring to Colorado University? The football team, the Rams, loses to the School for the Deaf and Blind every time they play against them. They also lose to christan schools all the time. LOL BUTTHURT BUFF DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS. Bikers in Fort Collins don't follow the rules of the road, and are often hit by cars (with hilarious results). The area is also a breeding ground for prechy redneck, conservative Christians, which is ironic considering the other half of the population are raging faggots. The city is mostly owned and inadvertently run by college students, which would explain why Laurel St. in Fort Collins has had the most DUI cases in the country. Everyone else is just fucked to be living there, srsly.

Colorado Springs

Colorado Springs is widely known as the epicenter of the religious right with over 9000 churches serving the community, all of which are led by heterosexual and upstanding pastors who are motivated only by their love of God and not by money, coke, and/or male hookers.

Anyone under the age of 21 can most likely be found cruising the streets in a riced-out Japanese vehicle, graciously purchased by their parents. The kids under 21 without vehicles are usually Juggalos who spend their allowance on shitty weed. They usually hang out in Acacia Park and get fucked up with homeless people.

As an aside, homeless people in Colorado are generally retarded because you can be homeless ANYWHERE, so why not refrain from beer for a few days and panhandle up $80 to buy a Greyhound bus ticket to California?

Everyone over the age of 21 spends the $200 they made that week at their shitty call center job in one of the various clubs downtown. 98% of the venues play abrasive, violent hiphop, and 98 times out of 100 a patron of the club will take the opportunity to spray the joint with bullets immediately after last call.

Everyone in Colorado Springs does methamphetamine, no exceptions. Home of Ytcracker.

Glenwood Springs

Glenwood Springs is an obscure tourist trap some where in Colorado that tries very hard to divert some attention from the EXTREMELY money whoring town of Aspen. The only thing that brings any value to the town is its so called "Worlds largest outdoor hotspring pool" which contains its healthy amount of piss and AIDS from the gazillion people that go there from a day to day basis.

The town also has a homeless problem (what doesn't here?), of which is heavily concentrated behind the local Walmart. As said earlier, the jobless rate is thanks to none-other the overpopulation of mexicans. Many, bathe in the disease ridden waste water that is dumped from the hot springs into the Colorado river from a giant concrete pipe.

Also, there's a lot of faggot scene kids here. This place is probably the only one in the known universe in which the scene fad hasn't fucking died already.

Activities:

• If you fortunately happen to stumble upon the fair "Strawberry Days" then you actually might have something to do. Like picking up worthless nicknacks at one of the many booths, or watching the local parade trip over their own feet.
• If you happen to be a Subaru owner, hiker, and mac owner (all are usually at once); then this is the place for you.
• The two shopping malls here can add somewhat for a thing to do, but usually runs out of options fast.
• Willamette was probably based on this town, so zombies are likely to invade here as they did in Dead Rising.
• If above is true, go "shop" till you drop.
• Look for a way to get out of here.

Tourist attractions

If for some God awful reason you happen to find yourself visiting Colorado, there are lots of awesome places to visit.

• Mesa Verde: A giant dustbowl of ugly mudhuts and arrow heads. Whoopdee-fucking-do. Created by the Indians at least 100 years ago before the gold rush drove them to the rocky mountains to build casinos.

• Garden of the Gods: An ironic name for a place that God is void of. All that's here is rocks, lots and lots of fucking rocks. Oh and sand too, with the occasional dried up shrubbery.

• Casa Bonita: It is essentially a fun house, with no fun and more mexican children. The food sucks and the only thing worth wile is a half-assed arcade and cliff divers. Oh there's also a mariachi band too.

• Cave of the winds: An average cave that has wind in it. No seriously that's it.

• Elitch Gardens: An amusement park. This would be a rather nice place if anyone actually lived in the bible belt. Everyone goes to Disney land instead

• Tiny Town: Some retarded engineer thought it would be funny to build normal buildings 1/12th of their original hight and then label it as a kiddie fun time land. If you are seen anywhere near this facility you will be labeled as an aspie

Music

Just some boring shit (like everything else about Colorado, amirite) like String Cheese Incident, Big Head Todd and the Monsters, and The Fray. It's also served as inspiration to some dead guy named John Denver, the bitch who wrote America the Beautiful the awful, awful jam band movement, and is home to a huge ICP following. 3OH!3 comes from here too, hence the area code in Denver being 3-0-fucking-3.

Sports

Colorado contains several sports teams that do nothing to help Coloradans' image much, choosing to prolong a losing Colorado tradition instead.

The Colorado Rockies baseball club was formed in 1993 and, much like a souffle, proceeded to collapse gradually following their inaugural season, despite playing at an altitude of literally over 9000 feet, which would make hitting a home run equivalent to hitting a ball out of the infield anywhere else. In 2007 they gave Coloradans a delight by not being as bad as they usually are, thus ending a decade long playoff drought, but not before choking against the Red Sox juggernaut in the World Series. They've since fallen back down to Earth, earning their rightful place in the NL West basement. That's not to mention serving as home to one of the worst mascots in sports and the national sports media hating them for daring to play in altitude.

Svatos, of the Colorado Avalanche, fucking pwning!

The NHL came to Denver in the form of the Avalanche in 1995 the city decreed: "Finally! A sport we can relate to!" What they meant was a sport played by half-educated mongrels and foreigners on a surface with the consistency of I-25 in February. The Avalanche managed to please right away by winning the 1996 Stanley Cup, and then spent the next 5 years fucking with the minds of fans as they consistently lost to teams that could barely skate. Then, in 2001, they won the Cup again in the name of a geriatric who abandoned his old team just to win a ring. The team also proved that a new winning team can pull the affections of a decades old team away, maintaining that Denver is still the nation's bandwagon supplier since the days of the Oregon Trail. Though, none of this matters, as the NHL no longer matters to anyone.

Since the late 1960's, Denver fans have had a love-affair with football and the evidence of that can be found in the dirty, smelly, and still orange-clad maniac fans of the Denver Broncos. Here's a run down of every season the Broncos have played, except for two: they reach a record of 10-6 and then lose in the playoffs (if they make it). Through much of the last two decades of the 20th Century the hope of the entire Rocky Mountain region rested on the shoulders and horse-teeth of equine quarterback, John Elway. Through most of his career he was labeled as the "quarterback who could get to the big game and then choke," faltering in four Super Bowl appearances at the time. That is until the late 90's when he finally won, not one, but two championships, bringing redemption, not only to his career, but to all of those mile-high losers who paint their bodies in orange paint every Sunday for five months a year. Naturally, since then, the Broncos have been nothing short of mediocre, the shifty, blameless rat Mike Shanahan having already gone through one quarterback before pinning his hopes on newly-drafted, diabeetus-riddled Jay Cutler.

Due to the high altitude which makes the denizens of Colorado stupid, no sports team, no matter how good or bad, can hold the attention of anyone for too long. This has caused an inordinate fluctuation in other sports teams that have joined the area including the Crush (Arena Football), Mammoth (Indoor Lacrosse), The Outlaws (Outdoor Lacrosse), the Rapids (Soccer), and a slew of other athletic distractions across the front range.

On a day where there is no sports team playing the Colorado media outlets complain about how they never get to host a Winter Olympics, despite already receiving a chance in 1976, but rejecting due to tax concerns, thus angering the IOC. But who wants to see an Olympics hosted by a state that proudly tolerates Boulder? These people are obviously stupid, anyway, for an event such as the Olympics would only succeed in bringing more cancer to the state. Well, at least we got the X-Games. LOL.

Oh, did I forget to mention basketball? Fuck 'em! Except for the 70's, an okay 80's team and a one-off early 90's miracle run, the Nuggets have been nothing short of total shit, setting new marks in futility since. Bringing pot-smoking, drunk-driving, "Stop Snitching" proponent, malcontent and drama magnet Carmelo Anthony to Denver was to be the answer, except now the Nuggets can't get past the first round, losing every time out. Oops! Were blowing this shit up in the 2k9, bow the fuck down to the Nuggets!

Transportation

Colorado boasts the most well liked bus system in the country- so they say. In reality, RTD (which is the retard's spelling for "Retard") is a system of freaks on wheels, in which you can find: homeless men peeing, transsexuals shouting on their blackberries, and old men screaming about the $1.50 bus fare. If RTD were taking the SAT, it would only be able to pass if it was given one point per extra pound of flab of their bus driver's asses . The Light Rail system is likewise terrible, and it won't be close to a decade before there's any real progress on that end, but of course we'll all be dead by then.

Cool things about Light Rail

• Light Rail is the most expensive transportation project in Colorado's history.
• Voters agreed to fund the project with a tax increase, for up to one billion dollars over the course of ten years. In two years time, the money was gone and a special vote had to be held. (It passed).
• So few riders took advantage of light rail in the first two years, it would have been cheaper for the city to simply reimburse them for cab fare. Srsly.
• The General Manager of the project, Liz Rao, has met George W. Bush. She even has a signed picture of him on her bookcase.
• Operations Manager Lloyd Mack had a really busty secretary. But she was old so nevermind.

Colorado Fish & Game

Colorado is well known for not having anything worth shooting other than high school students. Every four hundred and twenty years some kids shoot their school, and then shoot themselves. They commonly leave notes blaming Playstation games for their actions, thus making them like Ted Kennedy. The FBI concluded last year that the last sacrificial shooting was to please the gods and make Michael Moore have a more successful life instead of just being a fat fuck who wouldn't have the balls to stand up to legendary, albeit old and senile, dead actor and gun nut Charlton Heston otherwise.

Fun Facts

• Colorado means colored red in Spanish. All people matching that description have long been driven out.
• Colorado is only as colorful as the ugly pants worn by Metro Denver's rich Republican inhabitants
• The eastern parts of Colorado should be annexed to Nebraska and/or Kansas Given back to Britain (regardless, they won't be missed)
• If you live in Colorado and are between the ages of 8 and 28, you worship the shitty, wigger-esque, electro pop band 3OH!3. No exceptions.
• Wes don leik teh Raiders
• Aspen fucking sucks unless your yearly income is at least or over $2,500,000
• Boulder is full of hippies/douchebags.
• "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS! THERE'S A BIKE PATH TWO FUCKING FEET AWAY FROM YOU!"
• Colorado's mountains eat small children. srsly!
• If you don't like the weather in Colorado, just wait 5 minutes.
• Gunnison Maybel is the coldest town in Colorado, and in the known universe.
• Idaho Springs is basically the slums of Colorado as a whole and is overrun by redneck Republicans.
• People in Colorado hate out-of-state drivers.
• If you wear anything but an Avalanche jersey, you will look like a fucking faggot. If you live in Colorado you are already a fucking faggot.
• "I'd rather have a sister in a whore house than a brother at Colorado University."
• colorado has a secret military base to kill other countries, NORAD
• Colorado's capital Denver was named after John Denver exploded in a plane crash. lol
• When Arriving in Denver National Airport (DIA) the New World Order controls your mind forever.

Bringing the LULZ

In spite of it all, Colorado believes in lulz and has a habit of giving rise to some weird, wild stuff. This is due in part to the copious amounts of drugs like meth, crack, cocaine, acid, and marijuana, a lot of free time, and an idyllic setting. However, unbeknownst to some, this nonsense has been going on for YEARS. Regardless, Colorado has a long way to go to catch up to Wisconsin or Florida. This includes, but is not limited to:

• Columbine
• JonBenet Ramsey
• Sand Creek Massacre. Genocide!.
• Alferd Packer, cannibal from at least 100 years ago.
• Robert Charles Browne, serial killer.
• Marvin Heemeyer
• Matthew Murray
• Kobe Bryant, renowned nigra and rapist.
• Ted Haggard, faggot, former head of National Association of Evangelicals and founder of New Life Church.
• An arm of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, linked to the Yearning for Zion Ranch, in Mancos. Yeah, we have Mormons, also.
• Focus on the Family. Stationed in Colo. Springs and founded by James Dobson, yet another cult.
• Rocky Mountain Oysters, an epic troll.
• Calling 9-1-1 and telling that your 6-year-old son is drifting in your own handcrafted helium balloon to get some attention and much LOLZ.
• Triggur