PlayStation

Looking for the PlayStation's son? See: PlayStation 2
Looking for the PlayStation's bulky ass grandson? See: PlayStation 3
Looking for the PlayStation's great-grandson? See: PlayStation 4
Looking for the PlayStation's oversized great-great-grandson? See: PlayStation 5

Q: Has there ever been a console uglier than this?

A: Yes.

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The PlayStation was Sony's first attempt at a game console, and unlike Apple, they somehow managed to do it right, even without needing an overrated FPS to save its ass in the first round like Microsoft did. It was a 32-bit console. "Hardcore" gamers often whine and complain that this console was the first game console that made video games mainstream, and turned the industry into the train wreck it is today. Sadly, they are probably right. Sony made this thing through trial and error, and massive amounts of butthurt and drama between Nintendo and Sony.

There was also that other console, but nobody gave a shit.

History

Did you know that the original concept for the Sony PlayStation was conceived in 1986? Back in the day, Sony and Nintendo were working on an SNES version of the Sega CD called the SNES-CD. But then Nintendo got butthurt over the contract details and delivered a blow to Sony's balls by abruptly signing a deal with Phillips and disbanding the whole project. Pissed off, Sony flipped them the middle finger and started working on a CD based console that could also play SNES games. Nintendo, seeing what they did there, filed a lawsuit. Eventually they agreed to do this, but Nintendo would get most of the profit. Probably having enough with Nintendo, they decided in 1993 to rework the system for the next gen, and thus the PlayStation was born. Eventually the PlayStation became a success, and formed a following of people all over the world. Of course, this was before Sony's god awful fanbase started to form.

Crash Bandicoot

Awesome North American cover

This was the mid-1990s, and as we know, every video game company had their own retarded mascot back then. Sony however, was lacking in one, so they made their mascot a clinically insane furry named Crash Bandicoot. This worked out pretty well, because everyone loves furries... well, everyone who hasn't seen the kind who dress up and yiff that is. Of course since gooks are weird as fuck, Crash Bandicoot's physical appearance had to be altered for the Japanese version to appeal to them, and the intro screens where changed from cool to fucking insane. Of course after Crash Bandicoot: Warped, Sony and Naughty Dog sold him out, and now Crash and his old buddy Spyro are on life support with games such as Crash of the Titans and Crash: Mind over Mutant.

Memorable games

The plot of Resident Evil, envisioned by Kazuv, an emo faggot who draws nothing but creepy pictures of pregnant chicks.

This is considered the "best" ending of the game, considering you weren't pussy enough to give in to Ocelot's torture.

Here are some of the more memorable games the PS1 had to offer.

• Alundra - Genuinely difficult RPG, also lots of lulzy deaths.
• Bubsy 3D - Winner of the Gold X Award and probably the best game on the PlayStation.
• Xenogears - Game well known for causing butthurt with the religious types because one incarnation of man creates God and he goes on to recreate humanity. So basically, we make God and God remakes us. It sounds like a bad Nietzsche essay. Sucks because what could have been a truly great game was never finished and the fact that you have to spend over sixty hours in useless random battles hitting different button combinations so you can learn all your special moves will have you wishing for a game genie code that can instantly give them to you. The latter is the main reason why the game gets poor rating for replayability.
• Wild Arms - Two gay cowboys and their fag-hag go collecting antiques and eat pudding while sitting on a fence.
• Grandia - One boy's journey for the ultimate prize.
• Vagrant Story - Ashley Riot, eh inherits the Darkness, and doesn't afraid of anything.
• Oddworld: Abe's Oddysee - An original awesome game like lemmings, but with lulz and satire.
• Oddworld: Abe's Exoddus - Another awesome game from the same series but the game had more challenging puzzles but the developers made it more eaiser with quick saving.
• Metal Gear Solid - Eh kills robots and doesn't afraid of anything. Later, gets all emo when he tells everyone how the man made him kill his daddy.
• Castlevania: Symphony of the Night - Bishie albino killing monsters.
• Dance Dance Revolution - Just the thought of this game is a mind fuck, as when you imagine it, you imagine basement-dwelling anime nerds ACTUALLY EXERCISING on the game's dance pad.
• Gex 2 & 3 - Essentially Sony's Super Mario 64, with Gex coming to the PlayStation after the Panasonic 3DO flopped. You play as an anthropomorphic lizard that has been hired by the government, who enters several TV shows through the Media Dimension to collect remotes.
• Ape Escape - One of the more lulzy games for the PlayStation. The objective of the game is to pwn furries with a fucking lightsaber and put them in their rightful place.
• LSD - One of the most fucked up games in existence. Everything you touch transports you somewhere, and if you know where to go you can find some very trippy/messed up things.
• Final Fantasy VI - You fight some clownfag Joker wannabe called Kefka who roflstomps the entire world by, molesting some shitty statues. DIS IZ NOT AZ GOOD AZ FINL FNTESEE VII BCUZ IT NOT 3D U STUPID CUNT1!!1!1!!1!
• Final Fantasy VII - Possibly the most overrated video game ever made in all of existence. You play as this emo guy (possibly Cloud) who is in some resistance, and this chick dies and everyone BAWWS and they kill this gay-looking faggot named Sephiroth. Shit, I don't know what this fucking game's about. DIS IZ NOT AZ GOOD AZ FINL FNTESEE VIII BCUZ IT NOT 2D U STUPID CUNT1!!1!1!!1! Even worse, it is because of this game that we have so many fucking game designers thinking that they can pull off the 200-hour opus but all we keep getting is a weak story with an infuriating number of side quests.
• Final Fantasy VIII - I'M ALL ALONE! IF YOU NEVER GET UR HOPES UP ULL NEVER GET LET DOWN!!1 Nvm i have friends :3
• Final Fantasy IX - Gay. Even more emo than VIII. A rich little girl hates her mom and wants to run away from home but still wants her mom to pay all her bills.
• Gran Turismo - Drive around in a circle with over 100 different cars.
• Resident Evil - STOP...DON'T O-PEN THAT DOOR! Gave us the Jill Sandwich meme.
• Silent Hill - HUH.. RADIO. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT RADIO?
• Twisted Metal 2 - Its like a racing game, except instead of racing, you blow the shit out of the other cars (and the Eiffel Tower).
• Vigilante 8 - Some Twisted Metal rip-off by Activision, same people who made the game below (although was better on the N64).
• Tony Hawk's Pro Skater - Some skating game that became famous and unintentionally gave us the only ever famous skate board faggot. Being the first game in the series, it is missing a lot of useless gameplay mechanics like the manual, spine transfer and revert tricks.
• Destruction Derby - A game where you go around racing and crushing other cars at the same time. Also had a Nintendo 64 port.
• Grand Theft Auto - HOW COULD WE FORGET?
• Point Blank - Unless if you live under a rock, you know what this game is. DON'T SHOOT -1 LIFE PENALTY
• Syphon Filter - Like Metal Gear Solid, but with MOAR action. From the creators of Bubsy 3D. It's about eugenics. Nazi wannabes will get a hard on playing it.
• Medal of Honor: Underground - Or Medal of Honor: Basement-Dweller.
• Parappa the Rapper - Play a dog made out of paper which raps. Yes, that's it.
• Chrono Cross - The shitty sequel to Chrono Trigger, that being the only reason why it's on this list.
• Suikoden II - Yet another shitty JRPG where a 12-year-old saves the world. However, this game is thought of as the best RPG on the system next to Chrono Cross and the Final Fantasy games Final Fantasy VII, although really they're all the same generic game. Another thing notable about Suikoden II is that it's the most expensive game on the system and DEFINITELY not worth the money. It's actually cheaper to buy a PlayStation 3 or a Vita and download the game from the PlayStation Store than trying to buy it on eBay. Another overpriced game like this, because fanboys didn't care about it until it was out of production because it wasn't Final Fantasy.
• Valkyrie Profile - You will need a guide to get the best ending because it is so convoluted and impossible to discover by experimenting.
• Army Men: Sarge's Heroes - Go around as a plastic Green Soldier from the Green Nation shooting Tan Soldiers from the Tan Nation. Oh and there's this general called Plastro who is bringing weapons of mass destruction through Portals from the Plastic World to the real world to fuck the Green Nations' shit over.
• Race Drivin' a Go! Go! - A really fucked up Japanese racing game where you can race as either cars, a family of frogs, an elephant, an ostrich or a snail.

The controller

There has never been a controller that has evolved over the life span of a console more than the original PlayStation's controller did. The original controller had absolutely no analog stick, which really fucked over 3D games. However, when Super Mario 64 came out and managed to take full control of an analog stick, Sony knew they had to redesign their controller to support analog, or Nintendo would get jiggy with them in no time. Thus the Sony Dual Analog Controller was born. Of course, this didn't exactly stop there. Eventually, Sony upgraded the controller once again into the PlayStation "DualShock" controller to support the new rumble feature, which was praised for making a game more realistic, and sexier (if you know what I mean, you sick fuck).

Influence on the Internet

While the PlayStation's prime years came about when the Internet was still young, and was slightly better due to the fact that it hadn't yet became the place on which people would dump their life problems, it still had a horribly wretched legion of fans who enjoyed it. We can definitely thank the PlayStation for all the yaoi, DeviantArt drawings and terrible fan fiction of Final Fantasy VII that we unfortunately stumble onto every day, and we can DEFINITELY thank the PlayStation for its fanbase that posts all those wonderful comments on YouTube supporting the latest Sony console. Most of all though, we can be grateful to the PlayStation for the Sony Defense Force, a band of upstanding individuals who shit and breathe anything Sony makes, and who deliver completely unbiased reports on everything PlayStation.

Videos

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Gallery

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  You're an oldfag if you remember this.
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  Your average Sony fanboy
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  SUPER HAPPY FUN RAPE TIME GOOK COVER!!!!11
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See also

• PlayStation 2
• PlayStation 3
• PlayStation 4
• PlayStation 5
• PSP
• Sony Defense Force
• Sony Online Entertainment

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