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Counter-Strike

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This is what every single Cunter-Strike player looks like. Including you.
An exciting game of Cunter-Strike in progress!

Cunter-Strike is a Massively Multiplayer Online First Person Shooter mod for the hit online electronic computing internets machine game "Half-life" made many years ago.

It is aimed at brainless 13 year old boys and lifeless nerds who think it's cool, not knowing it's a secret recruiting tool for the special forces. Though of course no one can actually get into them, and real tools who can't distinguish between gaming and IRL bad ideas join the army. (Please note, if you're playing this game, you are gay. There is no hope, other than learning how to play better.)

Note: Requirements include being a fag and looking like Brian Peppers.

Gameplay

Terrorists win
Using this causes drama
If you are enough of a fag to play Cunter-Strike: Source, spray this on any Christian server for epic Lulz!

In Cunter-Strike, you have the option of rolling between two factions, picking either the Terrorist and Cunter-Terrorist teams. The game map is a massive chat domain. On a side note, a player can choose a realm and start a PvP match. The objective of these mini-games is to annoy the players as much as possible while avoid getting shot. Several tactics to accomplish this include:

  • Assuming anyone that manages to kill you is using cheat codes ("hax").
  • AWP and watch the nerds rage.
  • Being sure that you do always take the bomb, but never EVER plant it.
  • Blatantly cheating by seeing through walls, auto-blow people's brains out, looking like a porn star model or anything remotely related to the game, then calling anyone who calls you on it a fag (see above).
  • Calling people black persons every two seconds.
  • Constantly moving infront of or blocking the movement of other players, best done by blocking their retreat from getting owned by the opposition.
  • Get everyone to agree before the match that the losers must perform seppuku to restore their honor.
  • Headshot (Be sure to piss yourself after accomplishing said Headshot))
  • Initiating vote_bans on the first name you see in a crowded server, which everyone always votes yes to.
  • Killing your teammates for the lulz. If friendly fire is off, try the Call of Duty 4 'nade/quick teamswitch on wounded groups of teammates. Requires perfect timing.
  • Making in-game "sprays" out of random images in your pr0n collection, preferably of a large penis or fag. Goatse also works well.
  • Playing for 16 hours a day for years at a time, then ridiculing n00bs for not having the reflexes of a cyborg.
  • Showing some actual skillz. This will so enrage the other players that it's likely you'll be kick/banned.
  • Telling 8 year olds that F10 provides free head-sex.
  • Use a flash-bang grenade to blind players just before they enter combat, making sure the other team is not blinded; using smoke grenades in front of awpers; HE-nading your teammates (a form of team-killing) if friendly fire is on. For quicker teamflashes, type in bind f "buy flashbang" in the command console before entering a game. This allows you to instantly buy flash grenades by simply pressing the f key instead of navigating the weapon menu. You can change the binding key as well as grenade type by altering this code.

Bonus points are awarded if you have access to a headset, since then you can annoy the fuck out of everyone with your prepubescent nasal whining. Also, you can simply hold down the talk button and play incredibly annoying music over the channel, or hold an electric razor to it. An even more effective way is to use the Half-Life Sound Selector (HLSS in short), a program that allows you to play annoying sound/music files from your collection over the mic with a touch of a button, without the need for a stereo-equipped iPod or even a headset. For even moar damage, type setinfo name "" (with two quotation marks, not four apostrophes) in the command console before entering a server. This changes your username to "unconnected", which prevents you from being shown in the other players' mute menus. The first person to find something else to do rather than playing Cunter-Strike, wins.

A clan is a group of fags who get together to engage in annoying the crap out of every Cunter-Strike player possible, and only those elite members are any good at generating lulz. A good example of such fucktards are the members of -POS-, a hidden clan that employs a deadly combination of faggotry and win.

BOOM HEADSHOT!!!


You may experience special people that yell and blab into the microphone during the game.

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Teams

The game has three teams: Terrorists, Cunter-Terrorists and Spectators. The Terrorists are the good guys, Cunter-Terrorists are the bad guys, and spectators are sad losers who are not only wasting their lives on the most boring game in existence, but aren't even PLAYING the damn game.

Terrorist Characters:

Typical elite cunter-terrorist fatass

Cunter-Terrorist Characters:

Spectator Characters:

There's also a long list of secret characters that can be unlocked by collecting the Magic Rainbow Gems in a specific order (hint: Look under the mushrooms in the Twinkle Kingdom, level 3).

Sequels

Cunter-Strike: Open Source

The same as regular Cunter-Strike, but with the teams replaced with Microsoft and Nerds respectively. Linus Torvalds remains.

Oh, and the grenades do more than 6 damage.

Cunter-Strike: Low-Ping Server Edition

Lets you join even more of those servers that are really fast because the 6 people on them are Basement-dwellers talking really loudly or really quietly about their fictional girl problems while idly flying around the map in spectator mode.

Cunter-Strike: Source Source

This upcoming game will be the exact same Cunter-Strike, but bullets don't travel through 30 feet of solid concrete without loosing any ballistic force.

Azn Version

Same as Condition Zero, but more like Cunter Strike 1.6 to make it suck less. Have I mentioned the built in Drophack?

Cunter Strike Forever (Terrorist Darkfall version)

Best game evar. Currently in development though.

Weapons

There is only one weapon available in Cunter-Strike - the AWM/P, also known as the "fag gun", or "n00b gun" (see "Objectives"). Not even the BFG9000 has generated as much lulz in FPS deathmatch history. This makes it the obvious weapon of choice when playing Cunter-Strike. See below for moar details on it.

LOL AWP


The AWP

Cunter-Strike player camping above the door
FUCKING AWP
CunterStrike Rage
 
“ 		 
OH MY GOD YOU FUCKING FAGGOT STOP AWPING WE'LL BOOT YOU FAGGOT ASS FAG!!!!! I CAN'T HANDLE MY ANDROID-LIKE REFLEXES AND ABILITY TO HEADSHOT YOU FROM 300 FEET WITH A PISTOL BEING DEMOLISHED BY THE ONLY WEAPON THAT ANYONE ELSE IS ABLE TO GET ANY KILLS ON ME WITH!!!! I'M A FUCKING PERFECT VIRTUAL SOLDIER SO STOP HAVING ANY SORT OF ADVANTAGE OVER ME YOU FAGGY FAGGOT!!!!111111
  		„
 

—Moar CS fail


The AWP is the most lulzy weapon in the game. Killing people with an AWP can make you a "AWP Whore", which is the source of faggotry. Accomplishing headshot with said AWP, will create a barrage of barrel rolls and said faggotry. If someone kills you while holding this weapon they are using hax, or cheatz.

The signs of an AWP user include:

  • Faggot screaming in mic.
  • Having an un-natural nature towards Columbine.
  • Hearing a big ass shot from a gun.
  • Once entering server, hearing the words "fucking hacker."
  • Seeing the headshot icon on the upper right corner of the screen.
  • User screaming "BOOM HEADSHOT," and "I OOOWWWWNN."

Common reactions include:

   
“ 		 
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
Fucking AWP Whores
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
Please stop using that weapon, its so fuckin' overpowered, stop please. (5 Seconds later) "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
STUPID FUCKING FAGGOT STOP IT
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
Why is the fucking AWP not RESETRICTED, like it should be.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
YO NIGGA IS DAT A BAZOOKA?
  		„
  		 

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The amount of butthurt this weapon can potentially cause is epic, so it should be sought at every opportunity, then abused. The real mystery is why Cunter Strike is the only FPS game where anybody bitches when others use a 1-hit-kill weapon. Combat Arms has an awp of its own that's basically the same one as in Cunter Strike, yet nobody complains when you use it. The reason: Everyone who plays Cunter Strike is a whiny 13 year old boy with no social skills (and probably assburgers as well).

Nothing is safe from the AWP. In Cunter-Strike: Condition Zero, you blow up a jet fighter with an AWP. The AWP is srs fucking bizness!

Tactics

EITHER:

  • Stand motionless in one spot and shoot people as they spawn ("Camping")

OR:

  • Strafe aimlessly around in circles

OR:

OR:

  • you can kill all players on the server by dividing by zero, OH SHI--

OR:

  • spray a porn spray and kill everyone looking at it (including your teammates)

Anything else will be considered cheating. OR:

  • As a cunter-terrorist kill all the hostages and then jump from a high building. This works great if someone from your team is bringing the hostages back to the spawn. This also works as a terrorist, because the Cunter-Terrorists can't rescue them.

OR:

  • Go full auto, just like in CoD:MW2.

OR:

Competitive Cunter-Strike

Kekekekekekeke

Competitive CS is a very admirable profession with several deep, profound layers to it. These layers and leagues are outlined below.

  1. Cyberathelete Professional League: Only pro gamers can be found here. This is the best of the best, they know everything. For the most part, you will never run into these people, and if you do, you probably won't get the chance talk to them since getting paid to play a video game is a very serious business.
  2. Cyberathelete Amateur League: Every thirteen year old boy, newfag, oldfag, and tryhard can be found here. The league has four divisions:
    1. CAL Open- This is where every starting, wanna-be professional game starts off. Anyone can join this, including the people who play in the better leagues, making your statistics of winning about 1%. The highest ratio of whining little kids is found here, at an estimated 900%.
    2. CAL Intermediate- Upon magically making it through CAL Open, you will stumble into Intermediate. Absolutely no difficulty change can be found here, other than a higher percentage of people arguing about who the best in CAL IM.
    3. CAL Main- Making it this far is enough to make even the most serious player abandon all hope for an IRL life and pursue a career in gaming. At this point, the only friends you have are on your Ventrilo server, which you made your mom take a second job to pay for. You are now a loyal sponsor-ee to server companies and make the pay of an honest businessman.
    4. CAL Invite- Nobody is allowed here. Only the best people are allowed in here, and it requires a fucking invitation to get in. The last CAL-I invitation was sent out sometime in 2005, but everyone quickly realized Cunter-Strike is the same fucking thing over and over again. People that get to this point quickly move on to Portal or Half-Life.


1. Always Blame the other players on your team- Arguably the most important part of being a true pro cs player, is the belief that you can do no wrong.

2. Raid Public Servers and Talk Shit- It doesn't matter how little experience the other players have, you MUST talk shit to random people on the internet. Several qualified experts have ruled that this egotistical behavior is a result of internet anonymity, while less-qualified but more likely correct experts have settled for the standard "they were molested by their parents" explanation.

3. The Other Team is always hacking- If your team loses at all, the obvious reason is that your opposition is hacking. Rage quit the server and find another scrim. Repeat this process until your clan dies.

4. Check Their Steam ID- This is a surefire way to prove that someone is hacking. Check their Steam ID by going into console and typing in status, then running their Steam ID on somewhere official, like LegitProof to find out what leagues they have played in. If their Steam ID is a low number, like 0:000:0022, and they have never played anything competitive, it is perfectly acceptable to accuse the other person and claim they bought their account, same for high numbers.

5. Leagues Mean Everything- Easily finding ways to rid yourself of the shame of losing (which you should be used to by now) have degraded into simply asking what leagues they have been before playing. If they are in a league higher than you, then you lose. If not, you're better of just quitting.

Social Benefits

As mentioned earlier, Cunter-Strike is a covert government recruiting tool. One day, in the not-too-distant future, hordes of heavily-armed whiny 7-year old CS players will be air-dropped onto enemy positions, their random bursts of gunfire and cries of "camping fag" distracting the enemy long enough for the entire area to be bombed down to the bedrock. If any CS troops manage to survive, they will be set on fire and launched at the enemy via catapult.

How to tourneyfag in CS

In every game there must be a handful of these elite individuals who will make the game fair and balanced by banning the use of OP equipment. Since tourneyfaggatory is a dying art, you must continue the legacy and here is the basics on how to be a tourneyfag in Cunter-Strike:

General conduct

  • Remember that you are the elite of the elite and it is impossible for any noob to kill you. So if one does manage to kill you, be sure to brand them as a hacker and threaten them to leave the server or else you'll go to their house and rape their entire family. If the plan fails, resort to excessive cursing.
  • Always have an admin as a friend so those faggots will know to obey you. Failing that either make them think that you have an admin friend and show them how much of a socialite you are of befriending a man of such power. Failing that just keep cursing them and call them a haxxor.
  • When your team wins, make sure to take all the credit and even if you have the lowest ass score in the match and accuse your other teammates of being kill-stealers should you ever have said lowest score. If you can't humble them just keep cursing them and accuse them of being noob faggots.
  • If your team should ever loose be sure to shift ever last one of the blame to your teammates since they are noobs and all. This applies even if you were practically camped by that AWP fag all match long and didn't do shit by having 0 kills and the most deaths. If the noobs will not listen to reason, keep cursing and degrading them.
  • If you are only 10 years old and your voice still sounds like a little girl, get voice altering software as noone in the internets will take you seriously. Failing that, just bind: "say Fight harder you scrubs I'm doing all the work" to a key of your preference.

Hosting a match

  • No grenades, No other weapons except pistols and with that be sure to also ban the Desert eagle since it gives an unfair advantage.
  • If you are looking for a better challenge, allow other weapons but ban the ff: The automatic shotgun, DE, AWP, MP5, P90, AK47, M4 and any other weapon that manages to kill you.
  • Should one stray from said rules, call him a scrub.
  • Always play in either: de_dust, cs_deathmatch or if you are that merciful cs_assault. Using any other map will cause you to be a scubbish noob.
  • Make it clear that the planting of the bomb or rescuing of the hostages are done only by scrubs and noobs. If one should ever do the objectives: call them names and threaten them.
  • No self-respecting tourneyfag will be playing without his holy hax! Be sure to always have these running when playing and be ironic by calling other players who managed to kill you while your hax are on haxxors.

Social behavior

  • Whether in-game or in forums be sure to flaunt your e-penis by being boisterous about your rank on servers. Be sure to also invade welcoming sections in forums and belittle the newbies.
  • If you meet someone with an even bigger e-penis, be defensive about everything he throws at you and keep defending that you are better than him even if you are 5 ranks below him.
  • If someone better than you isn't a fellow tourneyfag, be sure to belittle and humiliate him by mocking him with a litany of insults. If he should ever be perfectly logical about anything, stone-wall him I mean what does he know, he's just a scrub.
  • Noobs never make any sense no matter how well-thought out and logical their responses are. Keep calling them retarded or noob.


There you go, now you know how to be God in this game.


Online Offshoots

Because Counter-stike became such a retarded yet popular hit, many game companies decided to jump into the FPS bandwagon and create their own clones of the game, which normally turns out to be a slightly-better-but-not-really-that-better version of the game. Popular games include:

  • Crossfire
    Crossfire Online is THE closest clone of Counter-strike you have, it's based around 1.6 and Condition Zero, but it's F2P and has more weeaboo as it's created by a bunch of Koreans. Same graphics (which is shit) and same game play. The only difference is that you pay for premium content in a free to play game, which really doesn't do crap.
    The thing that separates this game from being a total CS clone, apart from the weeaboo in-game items and additional weapons, is that these have female characters, so now it doubles as a Faps Person Shooter.
  • Soldier Front/Special Force
    While not a total rip-off, Soldier Front is by far, THE most popular FPS based on CS as well as achieving the same notoriety. Soldier Front is basically a combination of CS Beta and Quake II, with more retardation. All Soldier Front versions today, is infested with Hackers, so noone really gives a shit about it anymore, except for Koreans and Filipinos
  • Special Force
    Proving more that Filipinos are illiterate, they renamed Soldier Front to "Special Force", unable to realize that the word Special Force is grammatically incorrect, but again it's for "Special" children, nobody in their community noticed. While this would normally be of no interest, Special Force is THE most popular online FPS in the Philippines and contains the same community as that of Counter Strike: 13 year old illiterate hicks screaming at the top of their lungs how pro they are and such.
  • Update Causes Lulz
    On June 23, 2010, a massive update for Counter Strike: Source, which was in Beta for many weeks if not months, caused much butthurt and later lulz, in the community. These lulz could be most witnessed in the CS:S group chat of Steam. The update included only minor things like HDR, Achievements, a kill cam, and an improved scoreboard.

See also:


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