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Atheist

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What you will get for being an atheist.
Atheists, in MY room? It's more likely than you think.
Atheists are happy to admit their mistakes - except they don't make mistake because they're atheists.
File:U mad atheist.jpg
An atheist expressing his thoughts. Might continue to express said thoughts by deleting this image


Atheism is a religion for people who worship science Richard Dawkins instead of God. It is most notably the only religion without any real basis or organization whatsoever. Its followers are no less uneducated, dogmatic and fanatical about their chosen spiritual path than they claim Muslims, Christians, Hindoos or Jews to be.

However, there is a key difference. People who convert to Islam or Buddhism do so for philosophical or cultural reasons: people who become atheists do so because they got picked on in high school. Rummage through an atheist's emotional baggage and you will find a pile of leftover teenage angst, a few cases of repressed rage at mommy and daddy, and an overpowering urge to feel superior wrapped around a stupendous amount of self-loathing.

Atheists

A typical atheist.
An atheist in its natural habitat. Clearly, this is an example of Nietzsche's Übermensch ideal.

Recent studies reveal that atheists tend to be privileged, college educated libertarians with serious superiority complexes who are always willing to argue, especially with Christfags. In an interesting contradiction, their liberal bias toward Islam conflicts with their hatred of all things religious.

Atheists suffer from a rare, aggressive form of unwarranted self-importance, invariably overestimating their own intelligence. It's mandatory for atheists, because if they're not the geniuses of Earth, they're forced into admitting that they're not always right - and they'd rather castrate themselves with a hacksaw than do THAT.

In fact, atheists are so fanatical that they go around with a chip on their shoulder looking for 'rational' debates. Upon watching an atheist in an argument, it becomes clear that their points consist entirely of condescension, lofty moralizing, and 'clever' quips about their opponents' intelligence - in other words, atheists think that sarcasm amounts to a valid argument. They will begin by stating they only want food for thought to 'improve their position'; five minutes later, they'll state that talking to their opponent is like arguing with a brick wall. The irony of this statement is consistently lost on the atheist.

They believe that some philosopher (e.g., Friedrich Nietzsche, Richard Dawkins or Karl Popper) has proven atheism. However, they will of course dismiss any philosopher that believes in God. The atheist argument runs thus:

  1. God does not exist, and this is obvious, ergo
  2. Anyone who believes in God is stupid, ergo
  3. Any arguments that God exists are invalid, ergo
  4. God does not exist QED MUDDAFUGGA

Those who aren't busy posting threads about the deep meanings in a System of a Down song are vlogging it up on YouTube crying about how their parents won't let them wear a Marilyn Manson shirt to church.

It is a known fact that every Atheist on YouTube is subscribed to at least 100 atheist YouTube speakers such as TheAmazingAtheist, and flood all of their videos, the 'Other Channels' section of their profile, and channel comments with advertisements about said speakers.

Ex-Christian-Atheists

As much as everyone enjoys an atheist's company, you will feel nothing but utter love being with what can only be described as ex-Christian-Atheists. Essentially, these are just faggoths who displace their rage at their church-going parents onto God. This is really not surprising. After all, how can an atheist believe in a loving God when they hate themselves?

More likely than not, these are the people you will see everywhere who try and scream on the internet without either THE FUCKING FURY or Exclamation points, so you have to have the pleasure of reading it all over again.

An example of such stupidity:

  • God is a myth made up by sheep trying to control more sheep.
  • It doesn't matter that I'm 13. I'm still smarter than you.
  • I haven't told my parents yet, because I'm still 27 and don't want to move out for being a genius.


The mantra of the Ex-Christian Atheist.

Morality

Typical atheist morality.
Athiests need to be kicked out of America!

Since atheists don't believe in God, they don't care about morality, usually stating that they prefer rationality over your primitive 'moral' ideas. This makes them amazingly easy to troll. Just ask them, "So are you saying that rationality is OBJECTIVELY BETTER than irrational morality?", then kick back and watch as the self-loathing God-hater ties himself up in knots trying to justify rationalism without morality.

Atheists are convinced that religion is the cause of all conflict and directly responsible for every war and murder that has ever occurred, when in reality it is just a source of major lulz for their more temperate kin. Atheists fail to realize that with or without religion, there will always be stupid people in the world who will fervently believe anything they read.

Failing to justify man-made morals, they resort to a comparative exercise. The main crux of their argument rests on body counts, but a short sample of atheist leadership data reveals a different picture.

   
“ 		 
Not every bad person is an atheist, but every atheist is a bad person.
  		„
  		 

—Random Anon


PROTIP: When in an encounter with an atheist and this issue comes up, simply point out that atheist dictators killed millions of people over the past century and murdered hundreds of thousands in an effort to eradicate religion itself, because, you know, mass murder is the inevitable result when a community becomes too intolerant of outlandish dogmas and too fond of critical thinking.

The atheist, of course, will respond that "BUT DUDE STALIN DIDN'T KILL RELIGIOUS PEOPLE IN THE NAME OF ATHEISM HE KILLED THEM IN THE NAME OF COMMUNISM!!!!11", as though Communism's status as an atheistic philosophy had nothing to do with persecuting theists. It's sort of like saying "THE KKK DIDN'T LYNCH PEOPLE FOR BEING BLACK THEY LYNCHED THEM FOR NOT BEING WHITE!!!"

   
“ 		 
To punish the oppressors of humanity is clemency; to forgive them is barbarity.
  		„
  		 

—Maximilien Robespierre, 1794, How atheism would eliminate violence & achieve world peace.

   
“ 		 
Christianity is potentially one of the biggest problems facing society.
  		„
  		 

—Adolf Hitler, Not a Christian.

Sexuality

Of course under normal circumstances there isn't a woman underneath them.

Even Catholic priests get more than the typical atheist. This results in the atheist having to take an alternate sociological path to survive, as no normal woman wants to find themselves naked in the same room as a neckbearded Yeti who thinks it knows everything.

Not that the 'forced abstinence' of atheists should come as any surprise. Hell, their whole philosophy comes down to 'BUT IF THERE WAS A GOD THEN I'D GET LAID SOMETIMES!!'

NOT Atheists

????
This is Nihilism, but atheists don't believe in that either.

Anti-Theism

An anti-theist is an emotionally-unstable person who will go into screaming rage about the evils of any religion because the other choir boys didn't try to rape him, thus leaving him with an acute inferiority complex. An atheist is more or less the same thing, but instead of 'I didn't get to fuck the hottest girl in school!' it's 'why didn't God stop me from getting a chocolate swirly!?'

Agnosticism

Agnostics are known for 'not knowing' and are generally regarded as pussies by both Christfags and atheists for not making up their minds. They are the few people on the planet honest enough to admit that they don't know shit.

Nihilism

Nihilism is the philosophical doctrine suggesting that values do not exist but rather are falsely invented. Frequently cited by deep thinkers and faux-Nietzschean assmunches who never moved out of their parent's basement.

Friendliness

File:Atheists-truth.jpg
Next thing you know, atheists will be threatening you with burning for all eternity if you don't believe what they believe. OSHI-

Unfortunately for these quasi-atheists, pro-theist atheists (better known as weak atheists, but that seems a bit redundant) are also the target of atheists - because anyone who supports religion in any way i.e. "believing in belief", going to a church funeral or wedding, or donating to a religious charity will be savagely ripped apart for being a Christ enabler and denounced as traitors.

Deists

Another word for agnosticism. A deist is someone who believes a God did create the universe but got too bored and promptly fucked off. Technically they are monotheists just like Christfags and ragheads but live like atheists since the god they believe in doesn't give a shit about what they get up to.

Most famous historical atheists call themselves deists, as calling themselves "atheists" would have resulted burning at the stake followed by reservation seating in hell.

Atheism v. Irony

  • Atheists will quote The God Delusion to avoid thinking of their own arguments, while mocking Christians for quoting the Bible in the same way.
  • Like Christians, many exhibit very serious cases of a persecution complex, believing that Secret Societies are trying to eradicate them.
  • Constantly quote Nietzsche's "God Is Dead". Never mind that he was talking about slave morality rather than the actual entity. It looked cool on that shirt at Hot Topic.
  • Atheists worry that the "Under God" portion of the Pledge of Allegiance is subtly brainwashing people, while evolution is blatantly shoved down the throat of every elementary, middle, and high school student as fact. Hey, at least the concept that we all came from soup has been PROVEN!!!11
  • Atheists will go into another soapbox speech when they are compared to dictators or other extremists.
  • In their desperation to deny religion or belief of any sort, atheists will adopt skepticism so extreme that they'll refuse to state whether they're conscious or not.
  • Often dwell on religion more than theists.

Some Ways to Confuse An Atheist

  • Send them a link to an article on the Problem of Induction. Facebook religion status will revert to 'agnostic' within a year.
  • "If atheism is true, then our minds are reducible to physics. Since physics is fundamentally deterministic, we have no free will. Ergo, I have no 'choice' whether to adopt atheism or not, and you're wasting your time by trying to convince me of anything."
  • After the above argument: "When you say that there is no God, I have to ask: what compelled you to that conclusion?"
  • If our minds are unreliable, then where does mathematics get its consistency? And if our minds are unreliable, then why should we accept unprovable contemporary physical theories?
  • Surely, if evolution was not guided by a God, then we would not have evolved minds geared toward truth, only survival. In that case, where do you get off making blanket statements about the nature of the universe?
  • Inevitably, the poor atheist will begin to sputter about how he's heard all these a million times before. Of course, he won't provide a single worthwhile rebuttal. You'll get a lot of sarcasm and no answers.
  • Why do you try to say that I do the same thing when you're trying to disprove me now?
  • (do this one after a long debate and especially when the debate topic was one about souls and immaterial things.) During this entire conversation you have given me your ideals and ideas yet isn't this entire conversation just pointless since our thoughts aren't really real?

Miscellaneous Facts About Atheists

Atheists are very sensitive and go ballistic at the slightest mention of religion.
  • Atheism is to religion what Macs are to PCs: a trendy subculture for Vegans and unemployed weed-smoking losers.
  • black person can't be atheists IRL due to class restrictions.
  • If you were born a Jew and converted to Atheism, you are still a Jew. You also still did 9/11.
  • They have the ability to grow neckbeards at an accelerated rate.
  • They are smarter than you since they've browsed various skeptic's publications.
  • All atheists became atheists because they know they are going to Hell and want to hope desperately it isn't true.
  • Atheists get their limited knowledge of the Bible by only searching "Bible contradictions" on Google.
  • They believe in evolution thus they believe themselves to be hyper-evolved Sea-black persons that crawled out of the ocean.
  • Most atheists smugly spout things like "11 out of 10 people don't understand statistics." while they, themselves, make mistake after mistake while trying to interpret data collected by real scientists.
  • The few women who actually call themselves Atheists are fat. Really, really fucking fat.
  • Atheists are completely without morality and treat the rest of humanity like shit, whilst accusing theists of the same thing. When called out on this, they will invariably justify their self-serving behavior by crying about religious persecution.
  • Atheists are known to rage when they die on runescape or any online game, be sure to back away from your computer when this happens.
  • Atheists actually hate themselves just google famous atheists and what they said about other atheists.
  • Atheists due to lack of a life are in most corners of a the internet waiting to insult religion to vent their self-hatred.
  • Atheists love to blank this article, which is essentially the online form of their only argument (I.E: SHUT UP UR DUMB).
  • they are watching you while you're reading this article.

Atheist Quotes

Standard atheist's response to this article.

Just try to correct them on something and prepare to be blasted away with some SERIOUS FUCKING LOGIC!

   
“ 		 
Get off the fence faggot. You're just scared of making a decision; faith or facts.
  		„
  		 

—Atheist responding to an agnostic

   
“ 		 
Nothing is better than ridiculing Christian for their absurd beliefs and dogma.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
There are two types of men in this world. Intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
It should be noted that agnostics deserve very patronizing attitude, because they rarely understand what their position entails and come up with bullshit like "it's between theism and atheism".
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
After coming into contact with a religious man I always feel I must wash my hands.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
What still gets me to this day is the bullshit claims that modern science was only possible because of Christianity. That the Christian world-view is the only way you can have modern science. Holy shit, that really pisses me off.
  		„
  		 

—RAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEG

   
“ 		 
Atheism is the default position. Any other belief just proves you're a tool who has no individuality from the sweeping historical force that is organized religion.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
Uhhm, no, not that simple is it. Your whole decision making process is fucked if you put any faith into religion. No grey areas my friend.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
Sit on some more fences you indecisive bell end
  		„
  		 

—Atheist, referring to an agnostic

   
“ 		 
Underage pseudointellectual Christian who thinks he's intelligent in spite of being lied to his whole life. Man people like you piss me off.
  		„
  		 

—Atheist, referring to someone who didn't actually indicate what his belief was. Also, irony.

   
“ 		 
You're done, troll.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
Atheists don't have to prove anything. Period.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
I feel very attached to the idea of atheism, that we are free to do whatever we want. (Not that my parents buy into that) And there is no proof their is a god, so HA!!
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
...herd those goons into labs and perform experiments on them instead of on the animals. Wouldn't that solve the whole problem? No animals will be harmed, and this will be a good way to remove some anti-science goons from the gene pool. A whole new generation of lab rats will be born!"
  		„
  		 

—Evolved Rational, Nazi sympathizer

   
“ 		 
Well, fuck off and shove a brick up your ass, because who ever gave you the right to speak for me and for all the other non-appeaser atheists?
  		„
  		 

—Crackpot science-worshiping atheist

   
“ 		 
HAWHAWHAR YOU BELIEVE IN A GOD THAT DOESN'T EXIST!!! Well, see you at school.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
In atheism we give you a blank slate to write your on life. I wrote mine in my dads basement with YouTube videos that aren't doing shit.
  		„
  		 

—TheAmazingAtheist

   
“ 		 
If it takes a group to make you strong, not only does that make you cowardly, it means you are weak, and hiding behind other weak people, just like a fucking gang. This is the basis of religion. A mass of stupid people saying 'do as we say or i will kill you'. That doesn't make you right, that makes you a Nazi.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
"Not that x-tians care, since Hitler was the christian poster boy anyway. Atheism is not criticism, it is logic. Christianity is criticism, of everything that doesn't fit into its stupid little niche of stupidity.
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
this is a true symbol of the new church here in europe...good that I'm atheistical.
  		„
  		 

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Should they pride themselves on studying philosophy and shit like that, this might be relevant:

   
“ 		 
The atheists are for the most part impudent and misguided scholars who reason badly, and who not being able to understand the creation, the origin of evil, and other difficulties, have recourse to the hypothesis of the eternity of things and of inevitability.
  		„
  		 

—Voltaire

Videos: "Reason" & "Logic" are their BFF

Even though there is no genuine proof for or against God, atheists will fervently proclaim that God is an artificial construct even in the face of objective logic.

Previous Video | Next Video

4chan discovers the truth

How to troll your average Atheist

Polish that Dawkins pole.
Yes, it really is that easy.
  • Refer atheism as a religion and a belief. This will automatically enrage atheists.
  • If religion is the source of all evil, then why was it a theist who invented the scientific method? (Bonus points if you reveal the theist was a crazy Muslim scientist)
  • "Many mathematicians and scientists in the 18-19th century believe in God."
  • "Atheists help spread AIDS because they approve same-sex marriage"
  • "Prove God doesn't exist"
  • "It was an atheist that caused World War I that lead to World War II, the Arab-Israeli War, the Cold War, the Global War on Terror and the rise of People's Republic of China... just ask Gavrilo Princip's religion."
  • "Theist people kill more than a million people in a span of centuries, Atheist people kill more than a million faster, in a span of years if not months"
  • "Invite them for a session with an Ouija Board"
  • "It's okay, if I were you I'd be pretty mad at God, too."
  • "If evolution is true, why are there still monkeys?" (This one in particular will tell you whether or not you have found the rare breed of atheist that isn't completely retarded, since most educated people can answer it.)
  • Bring up the fact that evolution and the Big Bang theory are still just theories with plenty of flaws
  • Pretend to be really surprised and full of pity when the atheist mentions his lack of faith.
  • Complain about the bias against intelligent design.
  • "God did it...your science is NOTHING without God."
  • "Science is ALWAYS based on faith because you assume that logic and mathematics are true, even though they're unprovable."
  • Tell them "Jesus Loves them" and for extra lulz give them a hug and a bible and see how they react
  • Or just hug them. They HATE that.
  • "Hitler was an atheist."
  • "Stalin was an atheist." Bonus points if you mention to them about the Holodomor (Stalin's Holocaust).
  • Point out that their posts sound like evangelical preachers' rants, including their tone, intensity, rhythm and measure.
  • Ask them to explain the manner in which subjective experience arises from brain tissue. Inevitably, they will break down and say that consciousness doesn't exist. At this point you can just start laughing hysterically.
  • "I'll pray for you."
  • "Jesus said: Cast not pearls before swine."
  • "What up faith-cripples!" (Best to say when entering one of their forums)
  • "What makes moral relativism correct?"
  • "Atheists are never moral because they do not believe in God," followed up by "Morals are God-given not man-made."
  • Suggest that if you were down and out in Calcutta, you'd much rather see Mother Teresa than Christopher Hitchens.
  • If all else fails, Goatse, pain and fifty Jesus posts never go amiss alongside with ALLAH AKBAR!!!
  • Have feelings.
  • The way Christians get all of their arguments from the Bible, atheists get all of their arguments from The God Delusion. So saying something along the lines of "Maybe if you formed your own opinions once in a while, instead of parroting everything Dawkins spits out of his sinful mouth, you could truly see the glory of God!" is always worth a good try.
  • Atheists do not really hate religion just christfags. Tell them you are a Buddhist. If they start to attack your religion agree with them via this copy pasta "Yes I see how that could be, the teachings of Buddha taught me to be very open minded. I accept your argument, but Buddha was still right." When they find a person they can't argue with they reach a state similar to an advanced stage of rabies. Kick back and watch the lulz.
  • Give them an analogy (like this one): "Trying to disprove God with our narrow knowledge of physics is like being given only a hammer to build a house. Every problem looks like a nail".
  • Tell them to take the Atheist Challenge. As the atheist does not believe in anything science cannot prove, ask him to prove that the universe did not pop into being 5 seconds ago with the appearance of age, then to call his girlfriend and tell her that love is an illusion caused by chemical reactions. Post-conversational survival is a passing grade.
  • Point out that dark matter and dark energy, by their very nature, are impossible to detect and can only be hypothesized by secondary evidence. Just like God. Science believes in something it can't prove!
  • Apparently, atheism has its own definition of free speech: When I attack you, it's just criticism. When you attack me, you are practicing RELIGIOUS OPPRESSION AAAARGGH THE EVIL THEOCRACY!!!
  • Copy/paste info from conservapedia's article on atheism. (Such as atheists donate less to charities than christians).
  • Tell them they're going to hell because God hates fags
  • Point out that Friedrich Nietzche was in love with his sister, but gave up and started taking it in the ass because he couldn't get laid (srsly [1])
  • Imply that atheism is a form of liberalism. (refer to evolution as liberal,this always makes them rage)
  • Tell them that trying to disprove God within the confines of physics is impossible.
  • Ask them where all the delicious matter came from in order for the big bang to start.
  • This is the most important thing, so pay attention! Sometimes you will get a smart Atheist that will rebuttal with points that actually make some sort of sense. (Atheists rarely make sense. Your chances of finding one that does not spew the same garbage as his fellow atheists are scarcer than your chances of finding blue tiberium.) Instead of attempting to rebuttal with sense, you can do one of two things. 1)Tell him he's wrong and pretend like you're winning the "debate" 2)Tell him he's wrong and give another case for God's existence. Get him to the point where he feels he must combat your rebuttal by saying if he can't rebuttal it, you're winning. Rinse and Repeat.
  • Mention that atheism and satanism are the same thing

Videos to troll atheists with

File:Advice antitheist.jpg
Use these to troll atheists.

49 seconds of pure win.

R.I.P. Christopher Hitchens (1949 - 2011, if not 2010)

Kirk Cameron Disproves Atheism With a Banana

If God Didn't Exist, Peanut Butter Would Make Ants

Kirk Cameron Explains Atheism is Faith-Based

Dawkins Worship

theamazingatheist Gay With Chuck Norris

Atheists don't find this Half Hour News Hour clip funny.

an atheist is exorcized

Previous Video | Next Video

Atheists OL

Mr. Nifflekins demolishes the beliefs of theologians everywhere.
Do not be fooled. This fellow is actually a goat.
In this example, a YouTube atheist reacts to someone making a Wii Mii of Jesus. Very typical for an Internets atheist.
Truly at the forefront of rationality and freethought.

Whenever religion is brought up on any message board or forum anywhere, expect it to be flooded by over 9,000 hardcore neck-bearded atheists. They are world-renowned for shitting up religious discussion with posts that can usually be summed up as "ralijen sux" no matter how intelligent or rationalized the comment seems to the untrained eye. Atheists constantly whine about how religion is like a herd mentality meant to control the masses, yet demand blind compliance to their ideas.

In this example an internet group discusses atheism. Note how for once, the Christians seem like the sane ones. Also note the inability of certain users from this site to countenance the fact that atheists are frothy-mouthed bat-shit psychos.

Listening to angry atheist rants on the internet, one can detect a common sentiment or strain of thought running throughout. This sentiment goes something like this: "Atheists are inherently smarter than theists. All theists are ignorant and irrational because of the very fact that they are theists. Why bother engaging those stupid, dim sheeple in actual debate when they are so very, very ignorant?" This is why atheists perpetually come across as arrogant, whiny assholes.

In this delicious irony, Joe Atheist is even more full of shit than Jerry Falwell. Every wacko fundamentalist Christian at least admits their beliefs rest on faith. The atheist insists that he has serious logic on his side, yet refuses to even consider an argument that they don't agree with.

They have also yet to rationalize the minor problem of the origin of the Universe issue in this anti-theologic worldview of cause-and-effect, but that's okay because the universe has just always existed LOL!!1. If you push them hard enough, you can even get them to deny causality.

It is also wise to remember that no atheist can understand lulz, as lulz, being a corruption of lol, means Love Our Lord. It is therefore impossible for a godless heathen to understand.

Sources of drama

Many people hold their religious beliefs very strongly. Many other people hold their supposedly non-religious beliefs even more strongly. As we all know, conflicting beliefs result easily in delicious drama. Thus, Atheists are a prime source of drama, both as subjects and creators.

YouTube has a sizable population of Atheists on it, mostly represented by the local diocese, Rational Response Squad. You can check out their "Blasphemy Challenge" to see kids bummed about church and that their parents won't buy them iPods. You may even be able to spot a few rare African-American "Atheists"!


A Call For Fellow Atheists to Come Out of the Closet

Poor oppressed jesus hater *rolleyes*

Previous Video | Next Video

Even ED isn't safe from the Rampage of Atheists

Does this really come as a surprise?

Please visit the userpages of the following users and let them know that Jesus fucking loves them hard. God Bless.

See Also: The BAWWWWWing and flamewars this article started in ED.

Famous Atheists

File:Cleverbot atheism.PNG
You must respect other people's beliefs. Luckily atheists have no beliefs so there is no need to respect them.

See Also



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